"If you had been a better mother I'd have a proper relationship with my grandchildren"

[CoventryAgain]

Said my narcissistic mother who showed little to no interest in my children's lives. They are now adults and have no relationship with her. She criticised them on a regular basis although she rarely saw them because herself and DF moved some distance away. She never babysat or helped me. It was easier and safer to keep my children at a distance from her.

I posted a couple of years ago about her, she has given me the silent treatment for weeks at a time more often than I can remember. With the great advice I got then I have pulled back from her as much as I felt I could, going "grey rock". I haven't told her anything interesting about my life which I don't get the opportunity anyway as she brings everything back to talking about herself. I have sensed this has caused a frustration in her but she hasn't been able to figure out something to pin down and attack me, so this has been helpful for me.

Her health has got a bit worse of late, aged nearly 87, and if she wasn't at this stage of life I think I would go NC. However, I'm reluctant because I have a sibling who has created hell all of my life (I'm NC with them now) but mother has excused all sorts of poor behaviour. Yes, I'm the scapegoat. There will eventually be an inheritance, not very big, but enough to make a difference to my children and for me and DH to do something nice like get a new kitchen and a holiday or something. After 50 years of suffering at her hands I hate to think me, DH and our children would end up with nothing and sibling who has been so toxic would get it instead.

I was away with DH for the weekend and told her I was turning my phone off and going to chill out completely. She hardly ever phones me, always using the excuse she knew I was busy. When she does phone it's because she wants something. She tries to pretend that she doesn't phone me because she's only thinking of me??!

She is visiting a relative who lives not far from me so I drover over this morning to say hello. I could tell she wasn't happy as she was making a couple of sly digs like "I didn't phone you because you told me not to". Btw last time I was away for just one night and I was having a facial, when I came back there were 3 missed calls. Phoned her back in a panic as I'd spoken to her the night before and she pretended she'd forgotten I was away and it was nothing important.

Conversation turned to my children and she started making comments about they were strangers to her and I should have made them visit more and love her etc. etc.. Because, yes, it's easy to make children love their grandmother who can't stand the sight of them after 5 minutes and never visited except if she was in the area to see someone else. I didn't raise my voice but told her she needs to accept responsibility for her own behaviour and I said I had to go. She got up and jabbed her finger in my face shouting that if I'd been a better mother she would have a proper relationship with her grandchildren. I left and am at home shaking while supposed to be wfh. I've blocked her phone.

Not sure what I'm trying to achieve by posting but just had to kind of offload what happened. I suppose it's where do I go from here. Thank you for reading and sorry it's so long.

I’m glad you’re finding you can talk to people. I remember feeling the same when I realised that actually talking to people isn’t as bad as I thought it would be!

@Confused102 Yes, I do realise that. I would be fine about it if she left it all to charity. But not if she cut me out in favour of sibling.

@00100001 The money would make a big difference to my children and my father wanted me to have half of whatever. Sibling is as bad if not worse than mother and told me years ago they were going to contest the will so that they "would get everything".

@Feelingmardy Yes good suggestion, I was sorry I had said I was going away. If there is any relationship in the future, and that is a big if, I will be telling her virtually nothing about my life. When I said not a very big inheritance, I meant not in the millions, I do realise £250000 is a lot of money! Half of that divided between my children, keeping a bit for myself, would make a big difference to their lives.

OP explained that she wants her children to have most of the money.

Rather than antagonize her, can you simply be far less available OP? And make sure she doesn't get a reaction to her nastiness?

Even though she is 87, it could be years before she dies anyway, unless she currently suffers from ill health. Don't let her ruin your life in the meantime.

I’m sorry your mother is like this.
Think of it like an abusive relationship (it is but imagine it was your Dh). No amount of money would make me stay with some who treated me (or my dc) so badly.

If your children want her money, surely it's up to them to pay court to her, not you?

Money is a poor substitute for happiness and self-respect, OP.

I would simply be less available. And do not rise to any of her bait. Practice obfuscation. "Ah yes maybe so". " interesting point" are useful answers that give her nothing to get her teeth into.

I have had times when I've withdrawn from my mother. She was a bastard. But caring for her as she has become more frail has given me a kind of victory over myself and all my hurt. I'm glad I distanced rather than cut her off.

I don’t think you need to cut her out completely - especially if you want to keep in the will (may as well at least get some benefit out of having a mother like that). But you will need to work on your grey rock a bit more - telling her when you’ll not be available simply feeds the beast. She doesn’t call anyway - so what’s the point? It only serves to give her material to use to pick a fight over.

Call occasionally if you feel like it, ask about her but don’t tell her about you. Visit less - and consider bringing company when you do. My own mother is hideous but won’t make a scene in front of guests as she’s deeply concerned what people think. It’s very useful sometimes.

She sounds vindictive enough to live for another 20 years. If she goes in a home, her property/saving used to pay for care, you will get nothing anyway.

*Rather than antagonize her, can you simply be far less available OP? And make sure she doesn't get a reaction to her nastiness?

Even though she is 87, it could be years before she dies anyway, unless she currently suffers from ill health. Don't let her ruin your life in the meantime.*

This^

Honestly parents like that, you could do everything she wants and still get cut out of the will out of spite. I went NC with mine, she can shove any money frankly I don’t want it.

These comments are really helpful, thank you all very much. Seeing my therapist later and the comments have helped me focus. I feel quite like having been bereaved and think something has changed in my head in terms of this relationship. I'm absolutely not prepared to be abused and insulted by her ever again. She is still blocked on my phone and I feel no need to change this. It remains to be seen if she tries to contact me another way, she may not even realise yet as she has sent me to Coventry for up to 3 weeks on previous occasions.

When she has "apologised" in the past, it has been things like "we both said things in the heat of the moment". "I said I'm sorry, now lets say no more about it". "I must be wrong, I do everything wrong". She will then permit no further discussion and will not let me explain how I felt as a result of her behaviour towards me.

@Onelifeonly Yes, not antagonising her is the right thing, it's just hard to know how to do that! But I will keep as much distance as possible should there be any relationship in future. She does have significant health issues and medically probably shouldn't still be alive.

@Seesawmummadaw Thank you. Yes her behaviour has been awful for so many years, I feel quite stupid that I didn't realise how bad it was until a couple of years ago. I have been gradually distancing but this episode has me questioning, more than I ever have before, if I want any relationship with her at all.

@MrsBertBibby I haven't said to my children that I was planning on giving them most of any inheritance. Quite honestly, for a long time I have felt the need to protect them from her as all she did was criticise them. Thank you for your good advice.

@MyAnacondaMight Yes, I'm kicking myself that I said anything about not being available. Now I know! To date she has been rather like your mother, keeping her abusive behaviour out of sight of others, this is the first time the veil has dropped completely in front of a relative although they have had glimpses of her true nasty side recently.

@Onehotmess For sure. If she ends up in a home I think she would be even more unbearable at which point it would be easy to decide not to see her.

@Toodlydoo That's a risk for sure. There is no middle ground with her, I'm either the best daughter or the worst. When I'm the worst her fury is incredible. But she has always set great store by what she perceives other people's opinions of her to be. So for that reason I hope she won't do anything about her will which I believe is currently split half and half between me and sibling.

She will then permit no further discussion and will not let me explain how I felt as a result of her behaviour towards me.

OP, I know what you mean here. I have a sibling who is verbally abusive when things don't go her way or when she feels you have done something she (but not others...) consider 'out of order'. I've come to realise that it does not matter when she lets me explain how I felt - because she doesn't care anyway. She is so caught up in what she believes to her righteous indignation (once following me telling her I was going on holiday - on a holiday no more expensive than her usual ones) that she does not care to think of others. In reality if she did care, she would be able to figure out for herself how I felt when she insulted me. I think this is a hope you need to let go of. Your mother will never give you want you want. She will never have space to care about your needs when she is so busy focusing on just hers. I would guess that she probably had a difficult childhood? People don't end up like this without some trigger. But you don't have to make up for that. Just let go of the hope OP. It's false hope and it's hurting you.

As Atilla has said I wouldn't hang round for the inheritance as these sorts do use it has a bargaining weapon and then have the last laugh when they pop their clogs and you're left out of the will. Also care home fees can very quickly eat up any assets. There are no guarantees.

It became very clear to me that I would be doing all the running round after my toxic DM into her dotage whilst my golden child DB would sit back and pick up the inheritance. Now I am NC it is very satisfying to know that none of that will fall to me and it's up to my DB who is currently NC with her to fall in line if he wants the money.

My DD also has zero contact with my DM although she milked 'losing her grandchild' for all it was worth when I went NC. Has done bugger all to keep in touch with her though!?!

Any interactions that leave you shaking are best avoided. You really don't need this. She's thoroughly toxic and it won't get better.

Also her reaction to your comments about her lack of attention to her grandchildren and subsequent distant relationship is very telling. I am wondering if your other relation was witnessing a different story to the one your DM has been spinning. You certainly rattled her cage!

[quote CoventryAgain]@Confused102 Yes, I do realise that. I would be fine about it if she left it all to charity. But not if she cut me out in favour of sibling.

@00100001 The money would make a big difference to my children and my father wanted me to have half of whatever. Sibling is as bad if not worse than mother and told me years ago they were going to contest the will so that they "would get everything".

@Feelingmardy Yes good suggestion, I was sorry I had said I was going away. If there is any relationship in the future, and that is a big if, I will be telling her virtually nothing about my life. When I said not a very big inheritance, I meant not in the millions, I do realise £250000 is a lot of money! Half of that divided between my children, keeping a bit for myself, would make a big difference to their lives.[/quote]
Then your father could have ring fenced his half of the estate in your favour!
But he didn't, did he?
Pretty words mean fuck all.
No money is worth this.
She will promise you the moon on a stick and then in the end give it tall to Donkey charity.
That is assuming she doesn't have to spend it on a care home of course.
She seems to have the measure of you at any rate.
You'll keep coming back as long as she dangles enough money in front of you.

My sympathy OP. My mother is like this too. I hope you find the therapy helpful

@Theunamedcat

No inheritance is worth your mental health

This. Go low contact, to the point only conversations and put your own family and yourself first x

Honestly, OP, it sounds like you are emeshed in this situation because of money... but not through your mother...

You say that you tell her she should spend her money, you say that you wouldn’t mind if she gave it to charity, but it seems the line for you is if she gave it all to your brother.

You are tied into this not because of your mother, but because of your brother. It seems that is your issue, if you genuinely feel that you wouldn’t have any problems with your mother giving away all her money to charity.

Maybe that’s something to explore with the therapist...

@Feelingmardy Thanks, you get it! I met my therapist yesterday evening and when I told her I felt like I had been bereaved, she suggested that I am finally grieving my lost childhood and accepting there will never be a loving relationship with my mother. Yes, she did have challenges in her youth but refuses to accept it may have affected her in any way. She thinks her happiness is my responsibility.

@Dacquoise You've hit the nail on the head there about rattling her cage. I didn't go into it in my original post, but the relative who was there is a wonderful grandmother who has babysat, looked after and deeply engaged with her grandchildren and has a great relationship with them as a result. I pointed this out at my mother and she shouted that she knew I would turn it back on her. Which was when I told her she needs to take responsibility for her own behaviour, and she shouted that I needed to take responsibility. There's no arguing with crazy. So when I started to leave she escalated it to her final insult.

@Artdecolover When my father was diagnosed terminally ill he signed everything over to my mother, most of the "estate" is in the value of the house, so there wasn't much involved in doing that. I don't think he ever would have thought there would be a need to ringfence anything, he would have assumed my mother would be fair.
In relation to your comment "She seems to have the measure of you at any rate.
You'll keep coming back as long as she dangles enough money in front of you."
That's a really unfair and hurtful thing to say. I have spent all my life running at her beck and call and tolerating horrible abuse to me and my children. It may sound stupid but because it was all I had known, I didn't realise how toxic it was until I was referred for therapy almost 3 years ago. Since then I have continued to support her, keeping in touch although she only calls me when she wants something, bringing her to medical appointments etc. I realise now this support has been out of the classic Fear, Obligation and Guilt so prevalent in toxic families.

@Skybluepinkgiraffe and @julesover40 Thank you for your kind comments, it really lifts me that you have taken the time to post a nice supportive comment. Therapy was helpful, I slept well last night. I don't know if there will be a relationship again but if there is it will be pretty distant.

@Blackbird2020 Yes, I had a chat with my therapist about that. She completely gets it. I had a shit childhood. Sibling was the golden child, despite being fired from more than one job, treating everyone around him like they were dirt. Every job he got he said the boss didn't know what they were doing. Lost temper regularly and said horrible things. My mother would excuse it and say they didn't mean it. My parents would be told I'd said something about them that I hadn't, I would be told they said something about me that they hadn't. He created a situation about 20 years ago which ruined my family's Christmas and I went NC after that. The therapist explained that my parents failed me by allowing him to abuse me and it was the right thing for me to go NC. She understands that, having been treated so poorly whilst putting in a lot of effort in supporting my mother, if my sibling who did nothing to help, then got the benefit of whatever was left, I would really struggle with the unfairness of it. But if she left 100% to charity, I would not then be cut out in favour of another so although I'd be sad for my children, I wouldn't feel it was unfair.

💐💐
Thinking of you OP. Life is harder when those 'supposed' to support you don't. People with strong supportive families may never really understand that. But some people do and your therapist does. You are starting to understand the damage it has done to you too. But you can heal and learn new ways to relate to your mother's aggression and attempts to blame you for things which are beyond your control.