Atmosphere is better when DH not home!

[Mouth]

The atmosphere in our house is much better when DH is not there!
Anyone else find that?

He tends to order the DC around a lot (which sometimes is needed, but not all the time). He will also often play one DC off against the other and constantly grumbles about what everyone else is doing, with little put-downs, as though his choices are the only right ones.

He tends to go away for hobby-based weekends (mountaineering and other sports) quite often and I usually feel better - lighter, bouncier, happier, more free - when he's away and I pick up the same vibes from the DC. They often behave better when he's not there too.

It really annoys me that he comes back from his weekends away and the first things he does is tell the DC off for not making a big fuss of him on his return, then he will pick up the dustpan and brush and start sweeping the kitchen floor grumbling that the house is 'a disgrace' or similar. And it's really not!

He is also extremely pleasant to other people - people like neighbours, acquaintances, his work colleagues, it's like he can't do enough for them. I wish they could see the cantankerous version!

We both work; we both do house work; I do most of the planning and work relating to the DC and schools, etc. He can be nice but I see less and less of that side of him.

I know there is a good cop-bad cop element to lots of family's dynamics and there is possibly a bit of that going on but I find myself wondering if I'd/we'd be happier without him? Wondering if this is a common thing? Are some people just grumpy around the house?

Have you told him all this?
Playing dcs off against each other is awful.
I’d point all this out to him calmly one day and tell him that you and dcs don’t want to live like that anymore. See if he’s willing to step back and make any changes.

Thanks for the response Salem.
No, I haven't told him this but the more I'm waking up to it, the more I'm starting to make comments when he behaves like this (especially the playing DC off against each other stuff). I think he has noticed my comments and it's maybe making a bit of a difference - but yes, I think I'm might have to raise the issue in a more serious way at some point. Hey ho

It’s common for abusive, controlling men to behave like this. Have a look at the Freedom Programme, and the book Living with the Dominator. It might be enlightening.

Sure, I started feeling the same, long time ago. This was one of the red flags for me to start digging. Few therapy sessions later I realized that I wanted a divorce. My STBX moved out on the first. Sure enough the house is much more peaceful and happier now. I fee like a big weight has been lifted of my chest and I can finally breathe. Good luck op!

He was away for a week, week after last, and it was like a breath of fresh air (literally) him not being here. Just me and my boys, and we were all so much more relaxed. I want to tell him I preferred it without him here, but how do you do that kindly? I've just come in from work and he's already draining me with his constant moaning about work (he works from home, in the living room, there's no escape) so I've rescued my littlest and we're keeping out of the way in the garden. How do you end things nicely? :(

I don’t think it’s a common thing. In our house we are all relaxed with each other, DH and I are very much a team, no one puts anyone down. Teens are ticked off if they haven’t done school work or are rude to each other, otherwise it’s a happy atmosphere. DH has a very upbeat disposition and we like him being in the house. I would really mind if my partner was nicer in public than at home with their own family. I hugely value living in a supportive relaxed home, my parents did their best but didn’t get on and avoided each other as much as possible. I hated the tension.

I worked with a woman with a husband like this. As the kids got older & started to push back, she often found herself agreeing with them. The H got more & more controlling, she didn't want to leave tho. It went ever downhill, resulting in huge & longlasting emotional damage to the kids.

She did leave, she's not the same tho, caused her real problems. Get on this now, take the advice I think you'll get here.

Mouth

Are you and 19Bears the same poster?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Your children and you would be better off without him in their day to day lives. This is how abusive men behave; he is wanting power and control over all of you. Such men too hate women, all of them. Street angel, house devil is quite a useful expression here; image is all important to such men.

I would be planning your exit from this with due care and attention. He won't remain nice particularly if you're planning on leaving him and will want to "punish" you for doing so. This does not mean you cannot and shouldn't leave him all the same.

He's abusive OP, ltb life's too short. I lived like this and over a year on from kicking him out its still like every day is a holiday and the kids get on wonderfully.
Men like this don't change it's who they are, think about, he makes the effort to be nice to everyone else bar the people he's suppose to love.

I don't see why you need to be kind about it. It sounds like he needs to hear some home truths

But I imagine it won't change so you should separate

Sounds like you’d all be better off without him…he’s abusing your children

As an adult it's your choice to live with someone who is controlling and demanding and 'cantankerous', but it's not a very nice way to grow up for your children. If they seem happier when he's not around, that's rather serious.

Once my ex left the atmosphere in our house was much lighter and relaxed. He was more financially controlling than a physically controlling presence within the home. He never complained about mess as such, but towards the end I would watch him enter the room after work, whereupon he would straighten the curtains and plump up the cushions. I used to watch him silently, regular as clockwork. I also used to hate meal time as when we all sat down together invariably there would be some issue, I used to end up losing my appetite a lot.

I can empathise totally and agree that you will be much happier in a non toxic atmosphere
It’s incredible
Mine used to go away on hobby weekends (we later found out with OW) and it felt like a holiday for us

Hi @Mouth ... I hear you! My ExH used to be EXACTLY the same (bar the sporting weekends away). I'd dread his key going on the door as the whole atmosphere would change in the house, like a big black cloud had descended... he was always super critical of the house and kids (and me!) sly put downs disguised as "jokes" (I was always the butt of the joke). Just basically a complete arse to be around. And yet I stayed... ironically it was him who said he was unhappy and left. I'd say I didn't realise how unhappy I was in the marriage until he walked out.

He too couldn't do enough for friends/neighbours. He'd leave me struggling with 2 DC and a car load of shopping to run over to help a neighbour 🙄 I describe him as a "shiny shit". Looks great to outsiders but look closely and....!

Good luck with your DP. Hope he bucks up before you decide enough is enough! x

And now I'm sitting in the bathroom just to get out of the way. He's been ranting about how climate change is being talked about too much, and muttering on even though he can see I'm annoyed. And now I can hear the sound of one of his Jordan Peterson videos booming up the stairs. I long for those lovely relaxed days of a couple of weeks ago, just me and the kids. Like you said @notaprincessimaking the dread of the key in the door....same as hearing him come up the stairs knowing that's the end of any comfortable time in bed. I can only sleep when he gets up in the morning. I treasure that half hour or twenty minutes. To not even be able to look forward to going to bed after a long day, that's not what I want from life. Yet he'll talk cheerfully to me about Lionel Messi while I'm making the tea, go around humming to his music, laughing at stuff on his phone, seemingly oblivious to the fact I'm in despair trying to work out how we can split up. He feels like a combination of a black cloud and some kind of hovering fake happy blanket of pressure suffocating me. I want the feeling of freedom back.

@19Bears

And now I'm sitting in the bathroom just to get out of the way. He's been ranting about how climate change is being talked about too much, and muttering on even though he can see I'm annoyed. And now I can hear the sound of one of his Jordan Peterson videos booming up the stairs. I long for those lovely relaxed days of a couple of weeks ago, just me and the kids. Like you said *@notaprincessimaking* the dread of the key in the door....same as hearing him come up the stairs knowing that's the end of any comfortable time in bed. I can only sleep when he gets up in the morning. I treasure that half hour or twenty minutes. To not even be able to look forward to going to bed after a long day, that's not what I want from life. Yet he'll talk cheerfully to me about Lionel Messi while I'm making the tea, go around humming to his music, laughing at stuff on his phone, seemingly oblivious to the fact I'm in despair trying to work out how we can split up. He feels like a combination of a black cloud and some kind of hovering fake happy blanket of pressure suffocating me. I want the feeling of freedom back.

Why are you staying with him?

You asked how to end things nicely, there is no nice way of divorce, but you can't spend your whole life in misery because you're afraid of not being nice. It's rip off the plaster time, you just need to grit your teeth and get it over with

It sounds horrific I was always please DH was back from a weekend away.

The relationship is dead and he's making your family miserable why not end it?

Why can't you look forward to sleep? What's happening there?

I do want to get it over with @dreamingbohemian I've gone round and round in my head for so long, I've just got to do it. He makes me feel like he hasn't done anything 'wrong' and that if I react negatively, it's my fault for being miserable. And then I wonder maybe what he's done isn't so bad and that I'm overreacting. And then the circle starts again.

OP i have a DH a bit like this. He does so much for other people (especially the elderly) but won't go out or do anything for us as is too stressful. He looks after several elderly relatives and gets shopping for our neighbour but if I ask a favour (ie to pick up a pint of milk on way home or look after the kids so I can go out) he won't do it. His excuse is I am capable of doing things for myself the elderly are not. Last week was total hell as he was off work and having him home was awful - you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. So much happier when he isn't home. I think secretly he likes the control and helping less able people gives him more control. I feel guilty for getting cross sometimes because he does so much to help other people. I just feel his own family should come first but we don't.

Even the title is enough that he should be a STBXH. Unless maybe you make it clear to him that he has to up his game or it's over.

@shellstarbarley It's also taking youu for granted, thinking he doesn't have to make as much effort for you as he does other people etc.

I find myself wondering if I'd/we'd be happier without him? Wondering if this is a common thing? Are some people just grumpy around the house?

You know you'd be happier without him @Mouth , as you're happier when he's not around. It's unfortunately quite common in men. I can say from first hand experience that it's very damaging for people to grow up in this atmosphere. My sister and I have both been left with anxiety disorders etc, I've hardly ever been able to work.

OP, get your ducks in a row first.

Get organised.

Then move.

He sounds awful.

Very hard to come back from preferring your husband not being around.

Much better for the children to have one peaceful home.

@Mouth
I was the child in your situation, living with a father that was exactly as you describe your husband. I was the oldest and I remember how the atmosphere used to change as soon as my fathers key went in the door. Any laughter would stop, my mum would rush to make him a drink etc we would all wait with baited breath to see what mood he was in when he came home. Most of the time it was a bad mood. As a child I never quite knew what I did wrong. He was always miserable, annoyed and cold. Me and my mum and siblings used to go out for walks most evenings to get away from him. I remember sitting constantly at a train station just watching trains come and go as my mother didn't want to go home. Any days out/trips/Christmas/birthdays were ruined by him and his bad vibe. Things would have been so much easier if my mother had of left.

I am now an adult with 3dc of my own and they are still together. He is still the same. He will act like that if on the very rare occasions he comes to my house. It's always about him, he won't come on family holidays with us, so my mum will come without him. He won't come over for Christmas or birthdays and if he does, the same drop in atmosphere happens. Please leave him for the sake of your children. It has really affected me and it still does now. My DH is completely different but if he is even a little bit irritated when he comes in from work I feel anxiety. It has had a massive impact on my life- not least because my mother is still with him! I love my father but I cannot understand why he is this way

I grew up in a home like this. My father’s work would require for him to be gone for 1-2 weeks at a time and then home for a few days. I would start feeling sick to stomach and absolutely dread the day he was coming back. Even my mom felt the same. I was married and lived with my ex husband for 4 years and honestly just don’t see myself ever living with another man.