Atmosphere is better when DH not home!

[Mouth]

The atmosphere in our house is much better when DH is not there!
Anyone else find that?

He tends to order the DC around a lot (which sometimes is needed, but not all the time). He will also often play one DC off against the other and constantly grumbles about what everyone else is doing, with little put-downs, as though his choices are the only right ones.

He tends to go away for hobby-based weekends (mountaineering and other sports) quite often and I usually feel better - lighter, bouncier, happier, more free - when he's away and I pick up the same vibes from the DC. They often behave better when he's not there too.

It really annoys me that he comes back from his weekends away and the first things he does is tell the DC off for not making a big fuss of him on his return, then he will pick up the dustpan and brush and start sweeping the kitchen floor grumbling that the house is 'a disgrace' or similar. And it's really not!

He is also extremely pleasant to other people - people like neighbours, acquaintances, his work colleagues, it's like he can't do enough for them. I wish they could see the cantankerous version!

We both work; we both do house work; I do most of the planning and work relating to the DC and schools, etc. He can be nice but I see less and less of that side of him.

I know there is a good cop-bad cop element to lots of family's dynamics and there is possibly a bit of that going on but I find myself wondering if I'd/we'd be happier without him? Wondering if this is a common thing? Are some people just grumpy around the house?

@19Bears

I do want to get it over with *@dreamingbohemian* I've gone round and round in my head for so long, I've just got to do it. He makes me feel like he hasn't done anything 'wrong' and that if I react negatively, it's my fault for being miserable. And then I wonder maybe what he's done isn't so bad and that I'm overreacting. And then the circle starts again.

This bit got my attention Mine was similar - our problems started with children and our parenting styles are just very different which ultimately was the trigger The going up to bed to have some time to myself is very familiar (not because of anything bad but just to get away) Me and the kids on our own - it was so calm and with him there he'd be expecting them to react to orders with no comeback or opinion - they are amazing kids but we've taught them to have opinions and independence then he gets frustrated when they don't just do as they are told immediately rather than treating them like humans (obviously they do sometimes have to just do it but I'd always listen to them)

Anyway - that was one thing which I probably could have lived with but when I spoke to him about it it always escalated as he always turned it on me - it was me who had a problem etc - it was me who was acting crazy - and he could not ever admit to anything he had done.... well he would about a week later as I refused to engage with him. He'd bring up random things from years ago to attack me with - he would make false claims and say they were true even though I knew they weren't

This is what made me separate - I would have gone out of mind and it was already starting - screaming into a pillow was the start.

Sorry I'm high jacking the thread

So in answer to your question about telling him - it's hard but what's the alternative ? Living like that for the rest of your life ?
I still feel guilty and probably always will but you are important too and you deserve to be happy.

I feel free now and life with the kids is calm - I see less of them but the time we have is ten times better

I had one like this. Note the psst tense

Haha Jordan 'kemit' Peterson? Is he 12? Leave immediately

Mine was like this. Sucked all the joy from the house. He used to work away quite a bit such a relief when he went, dreaded him coming home.
But life and soul of the party and always helping others.
I only realised how bad it was when we split, I burnt some oven chips and instead of getting a lecture from him my son just said ‘don’t worry I’ll get some from the chippy’ it made me cry.

I think slightly grumpy, selfish, stuck in their ways, stuck in a rut middle-aged men are fairly normal. Middle-aged women are often more outward looking, engaged with other people and willing to try new things.

I don't think that's what you're talking about here though. Sounds like you're talking about a 'fireside devil'. A controlling status-seeker who is a tyrant at home, delight in the community.

Abusive, get rip ASAP.

My DH is like this. He comes home from work and it’s like a black cloud. Weekends are the worst. I start dreading them from about Wednesday onwards.

It was really brought home to me a few months ago when he said, “I love being at work, we laugh and joke all day!”. So different to how he is at home.

Playing one child off against another is truly awful.

My DM used to do this frequently and we grew up disliking each other. It causes an awful lot of damage.

You're allowed to leave for any reason.
The occasional niceness does make you question yourself but also you've been around this for so long, it has become normal.
Him being gone is a taste of the reality of how much better it will be if you split.

Do you have a real life friend to confide in?
You could just find out more about divorcing, in case you want to later.
Gather up paperwork and see where your finances are. Ring around to find a free session with a solicitor.

Here I am today, absolutely wrecked at my desk after watching the clock round til 4.30am because of the snoring and lack of space. Head is pounding. If only we had a spare room. I usually have to resort to asking my DS9 to come in to my bed one night a week so I can have at least some sleep.

@BrozTito Yep. He has a thing for Ben Shapiro as well, but he seems to have stopped watching him since I pointed out that whenever he would put one of his videos on, both me and the kids would leave the room. He could not see that he was literally driving us all away until I lost my temper (for once) and made it clear. Still, it hasn't stopped him with JP it seems...

@RantyAunty I don't know if this is all over the country, but I've found it so hard to get in touch with solicitors over the past year and a half. Not only have they only been offering phone sessions, I haven't found ANY offering a free half hour, and most are actually full and cannot take any more clients. I've only just managed to get an appointment (half hour on the phone) this week, and unfortunately it's with someone I spoke to almost two years ago and who made me feel more stuck than ever. I am desperate for the no fault law to come through. It will be so much easier.
I'm so sorry to all of you who are stuck with someone you'd rather not have around. How did we come to this? :(

I can totally agree with what you're saying. My H is miserable, but insists he's not, only close family see this side of him. Yet when he rings his friends he's laughing, cracking jokes etc, puts the phone down and pow its back to reality. I'm leaving him but he's trying to talk me out of it, he's very controlling and has to be right all the time. He also keeps threatening with"i might as well be dead" statements, trying emotional blackmail. He won't sell the house so I'm waiting for a rental property to come up. My stress levels are through the roof.

Thanks for the replies folks - sorry for the huge delay in me coming back to this. No, I'm not 19Bears, but sounds like they are having a similar experience.

Yes, I'm taking stock of the situation and making a loose plan. I feel like things need to change soon. It's the constant low level bossiness and unnecessary grumpiness that is causing me stress. I thrive on harmony and not chaos so this just rubs me wrong. I don't like to see DH pally with one DC one day and the other the next. It's like divide and rule. Banter is one thing but constant digs is just plain bullying. I do step in when I see this happening - but why should I have to? And what happens when I'm not there?

@Xstitcher1959 I have had those kinds of comments too - constant reminders of how men his age are those most likely to commit suicide and how it's 'just his (insert one of his hobbies/sport) keeping him from topping himself' (he's said this kind of thing in front of the kids once or twice). I'm certain there is no way he is actually contemplating this at all. It's just another way of trying to keep us worrying and uneasy. Passive aggressive and needy - but he is the one getting all of his needs met!!

I'm glad I have woken up to the situation as when you are busy, you just plod on with life and if nothing extreme happens, you just get used to things and carry on. This has been more of a drip-drip effect but think I'm getting my act together now and am gathering strength and information so I can make a change.

Thanks again to all who have responded and best pf luck to anyone in a similar position/

You need to end things. Put things in place. Your children deserve better

I just can't fathom a parent going away for a whole weekend to pursue their hobby while the other holds the fort at home - and then complaining!!!!

I just can't fathom it. It's like someone g complaining that they won the lottery or sth!!

Following with interest - I have elements of this at home. H will be grumpy and complain about mess and do nothing to assist. Constantly making little digs about how I spend too much time on my phone, how I do bedtime with dd, how it's messy (yes, we live here!), how I don't give him any affection (if I didn't feel so exhausted from the constant work/home/dd then I'm sure I would have more capacity for it!)

My parents always had a spotless house and were brilliant parents in many ways (still are) but my dad's needs for everything to be perfect was quite stressful. Even now, visiting with my kids is stressful.

So now, when my kids are messy in their own rooms, I force myself to be relaxed about it most of the time because I want them to be comfortable in their own home and not get stressed everytime I knock on their door.

Him going away and then being critical and putting kids up against each other isn't acceptable.

Sorry I know this is an old thread.

I'm going through a similar issue as what’s described in the OP. I’ve tried to speak to my partner on countless occasions about having zero patience with the kids and constantly stressing about the most trivial things.

It was fine when our kids were young as it was only me that got the brunt of it. But now our oldest is 8 years old and is picking up on it. My partner has tried to ease up but every now and then they have an episode which bring everyone down and really impacts on my own mental health whilst I’m trying to stay positive in front of the kids.

its getting harder and more frequent, and I’m not so certain staying together is actually the most beneficial option for the kids anymore.

I feel like I’m in too deep and can’t really see the end goals in either scenario. Not sure how to proceed. We’re typically a really open people and communicate really well about our feelings AFTER any argument has passed. But these conversations don’t seem to have any impact on their behaviour over the long run.

Anybody got experience as to how either scenario might play out. Really don’t want the children resenting me either way