Mismatched sex drives causing conflict - help appreciated

[justabigdisco]

Looking for advice from anyone who has been through similar and actually managed to improve/resolve the situation. When I chat to my friends it seems to be a pretty common scenario but no one seems to have a solution.

Been married 10 years, together for 15. 2 primary aged kids and we both have professional fairly high stress jobs with no family support nearby (just to give some context).

It has been clear for a long time that my husbands sex drive is much higher than mine. He would want 3-4 times a week whereas I would genuinely be happy with ‘once in a blue moon’ when I felt like it. I honestly am not bothered in the slightest although I would like to be the kind of woman who wants sex more and feels more sexual IYSWIM? No medical/mental health/medication issues affecting things - it has been this way for ages although I’m in my 40s so aware that menopause is on the horizon and likely to make things worse rather than better.

We have had relationship counselling in the past and also a course of sex therapy which was quite useful in that it made us talk about things in a conflict free environment and we had to do ‘homework’ each week, but ultimately I feel like the outcome of the programme was ‘just have sex more’.

At the end of therapy we had agreed a situation where we ‘make time for each other’ every Friday night which basically means scheduled sex. I don’t mind this, as it seemed to be keeping my husband happy and to be honest I do enjoy it once I get going so it felt like a good compromise. However, resentment had started creeping in on my part and it started to feel like an obligation. It blew up on Friday because I said I didn’t want to. He claims to respect this but wants me to suggest another day if I don’t want to do Friday. I admit I had agreed to do this but I don’t. I just say I don’t want to (usually because we are out/doing something else - when we’re at home it does usually happen).

I feel like I’m the one who has made all the effort to improve things by essentially committing to something that I don’t want to do (although I want to want to!). When I asked him on Friday what compromise/effort he has made, his answer was that he ‘has put up with less than he wants’ and amazingly, that he has ‘resisted being unfaithful’ like that deserves some sort of medal. I don’t feel there have been real improvements in the emotional intimacy / non sexual physical intimacy which is what I wanted to get out of counselling.

Thanks to all who have read this far. I guess what I want is to have regular sex (as it does help the relationship, I have to admit) without it feeling like an obligation and actually looking forward to it each week. Then I’d be less likely to say no. I genuinely don’t know how to change things. Advice welcome.

It doesn’t seem like you can change yourself just your situation: if you don’t want sex very often and your husband does then would you consider an open marriage or a don’t ask don’t tell arrangement? I think otherwise you probably need to consider leaving him because it’s not fair to both of you- you’re having sex you don’t really want and he’s not having sex as often as he wants

Is all your sex just piv? Maybe try other ways of being intimate more often to see if that’s more enjoyable for you

I do feel for you OP as mis matched sex drives are so difficult to resolve. The fact is that you are not that bothered and he is. I am quite shocked at his statement "resisted being unfaithful".....that, to me is a veiled threat that I would be furious at. No wonder you are feeling resentful. If my partner had said this to me then I would have shown him the door and said "fill your boots then....off you go!", but you are wanting to fix this. Have you had personal therapy? Sometimes talking through resentments on an individual basis might help with this next stage in your relationship. Looking at the scenario you have made lots of effort and the results of having scheduled sex seems to improve your relationship which is a good sign. Again, I think its just keeping communication going and rescheduling another sex night if you aren't up for it on a Friday. Sadly, it does seem so automated when you have to schedule it in which is so sad on both of your parts. The only advise I can give you is to keep talking, keep scheduling and see if these things improve. Go and seek personal therapy to deal with resentments and keep an eye on perimenopause. That can make any sex drive you have completely disappear and your husband needs to understand that and be supportive of that until you find HRT or other alternative medication to help you through that. At the end of the day you if your sex drives are mis matched then he has to come to terms with it however much you have had help/therapy/time.

Do you orgasm when you have sex?

I'm in the opposite situation and it's awful. I think you need to find a compromise that works for both of you (would fortnightly be better for you?) Or have an open marriage, or split up.I dont think it's fair to expect someone to live without sex, or with so little sex (once in a blue moon). That's not a relationship, it's a flatshare.
Most people who comment are likely to be on your side but I think you are being unfair to your husband. Such a low sex drive isn't natural. I speak as someone who has been in a sexless marriage for 8 years now and it's hell.

I think he’s right that he compromised - sorry him accepting the date night and so on is less than he wanted so it IS a compromise. But the unfaithful comment was a horrible thing to say.

It’s hard to know what to advise of you genuinely enjoy sex when you do have it. I guess - do you have physical intimacy without sex being on the table? Hugs, kisses, physical closeness etc? And is the sex night always about him getting sex? Because that’s kind of putting all the focus on him and his needs. What about yours? Does he does sexual or physically intimate stuff for you where there isn’t an expectation of PIV sex?

It’s easy to say that @zurala — problem
Is if you suggest splitting up many partners don’t actually want to— they just want your sex drive to magically increase and sometimes even with help that just doesn’t happen. I actually wanted to split because I no longer really want sex and accept that’s not fair - but H was very upset and against it and yes we do get on well— that honesty on my part though hasn’t stopped him still persisting, groping my bum and waking me up etc and yet I offered a way out— there really are no easy answers

@Crikeyalmighty
He’s carried on sexually assaulting you after you’ve told him you don’t want sex. Hope that was reason enough to split up

Oh OP honestly if you don't want sex with him then let him go.

Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't find you sexually attractive is hugely damaging.

If there are practical/financial reasons to stay together then you really need to let him know its okay for him to get sex elsewhere, and agree the terms.

Such a low sex drive isn't natural. - there is no natural or normal. It is different for every couple - and, as we see above, for every person.

Feeling under siege to have sex when you do not want to is a nightmare - I speak from experience. Ditto to engage in porn-driven activities that you do not like. The truth is that the more you feel pressured the less you will want to engage with sex, even though you might really enjoy it when it happens.

But you try telling a randy man that you want to discuss it all in a sensible way and see what happens!

I do think that for someone with a very high sex drive, then once a week scheduled sex probably does feel like a compromise.

You are the one that changed it. He asked for a day that may be more suitable (not an increase in frequency) and you refused.

You say you want regular sex, but do you? Because you also clearly don't want any. I'm confused.

Clearly you don't actually want sex every week? Obviously scheduled sex isnt always a perfect option, but it seems unscheduled sex was causing you both such resentment that you had to go to therapy. So going back to that would just be deja vu, and cause massive issues again.

Not wanting the same frequency of sex as your partner does not mean you do not find them sexually attractive; it simply means you do not want it as often.

If every marriage where the sex drive was out of synch resulted in separation, there would be very few intact marriages. Marriages consist of two individuals - inevitable they will feel differently about a lot of things, including sex. Compromise in every sphere is what is needed. And respect.

I feel like I’m the one who has made all the effort to improve things by essentially committing to something that I don’t want to do (although I want to want to!).

Well that’s not true, is it. Every time he has not had sex when he wants to is a compromise for him.

You can’t and should not have sex if you don’t want to. That’s non-negotiable. So the options are:

A. Your husband commits to having very little sex for the rest of his life.
B. You end your marriage and you both try to find partners with a similar sex drive.
C. You have an open marriage.

Would you be willing for your husband to have other sexual partners if you stayed married?

I'm in a similar boat, OP. Can't see how we'll keep going.

I seriously think you can't win with mismatched sex drives.
I actually think going your separate ways would bring you the peace you deserve and the shags he wants (surprisingly, he may not ever achieve 4 x a week with anyone but at least he can't blame you!).

@BrilliantBetty. Sorry Betty— it’s hard isn’t it because I genuinely mentally don’t want sex, but I don’t want an open marriage either because feelings creep in and I think it’s actually harder than separating. It seems my h would much rather not separate but sit and simmer at the lack of action with occasional pestering.

I'll 99% guarantee that if option B is chosen, her sex drive will come back.

Resentment is the death of relationships. I think you need to recognise that you are both actually making compromises, and view this as a shared issue that you’re working together to resolve. I recommend reading seven principles for making marriage work by Gottmann - it’s not specifically about sexual issues, but it really tackles resentment and communication issues.

I’m in the reverse situation so I can see now hard it is on both sides..not sure what the answer is. I fantasise about being unfaithful because honestly when you feel totally rejected and undesired by your partner I think it’s natural for the mind to wander and crave intimacy and connection. Sex is an important part of (most marriages) so it’s not unreasonable for him to want it but you also can’t force yourself to want it so not sure what the answer is. Have you always had a low sex drive even when in your 20s etc or has it changed over time? It could be worth exploring the reasons in one on one therapy...there could be a reason for it or it could just be how you are.

@category12 raises an interesting point - is sex as much about you as it is about him getting off?

I had a really low sex drive following the birth of my second child, and BFing for 2 years didn't help. DH and I also went to sex therapy and the counsellor essentially said that if I wanted to increase my drive I had to enjoy it as much as him. So yes we scheduled sex but DH ensured that I orgasmed every time. And it wasn't always about PIV sex which I also welcomed. We're about 2 years on now (DS2 is now 4) and once I was orgasming regularly I wanted more. So thing are far better for both of us now.

That being said, DH has never thrown the "could have been unfaithful if I wanted to be" card in my face.

I really feel for you. Not sure I can suggest much more than you have already tried. Perhaps consider what you find sexually attractive and what the environment you would need to be surrounded by in order for sexual desire to grow. Do you value sex differently and understand its meaning differently? I guess it's possible that you are incompatible on this issue and may need to consider if you would be better apart.

I am with someone who has a higher sex drive but how we value and the meaning of sex to us is in balance. It enhances the physical and emotional intimacy we already have, we must both want it, our attachment is secure (and not dependent on sexual contact), my pleasure is just as important as his and sex is not a big driver in our self esteem (these will be different for everyone). If my partner changed the level of our emotional connection i.e threatening infidelity or putting too much pressure on me then the environment would not be conducive with the way I experience sexual attraction (I e through deep emotional connection and emotional safety). I know my partner has a higher sex drive so I might check in with myself more often to ask, am I up for contact right now? Is there an opportunity here to be closer? but that is driven from my need to connect not my fear of him disconnecting.

This is my experience as a lower libido partner so cannot say what the experience would have been for others on the other side so am interested to hear their views too.

I cant see how this relationship can continue. He is compromising and you are to a certain extent. Maybe you should split and find partners who are more matched in the bedroom department. It would be better to go with that option than him being unfaithful and finding somebody who makes him feel desired

OP you don't want to have sex at all and your compromise was once a week.

Your husband would like sex several times a week and his compromise was once a week.

You are under no obligation whatsoever to have sex you don't not want. You have counselling and that was something you both agreed. It's a 'date night' scheduled for once a week and probably to try and spark more romance and intimacy. It's obviously not working for you and your husband has no right to demand you change the date for him. You're not a sex robot.

Don't have sex you don't want to have. I can't imagine your husband staying in the relationship as complete celibacy at 40 wouldn't be acceptable for most. You've had counselling and tried to find a mutually beneficial solution but it's not working for you.

Tbh think you’re expecting too much in wanting it not to feel like an obligation. You’re both compromising, and you inevitably feel a bit “obliged” is part of your compromise.

We have scheduled sex. Every other day is our compromise. I try and stick to it as much as possible (but my DH is a reasonable man, and obviously every other day is quite a bit, so sometimes I grant myself a pass).

I treat it a bit like going running. Usually don’t particularly look forward to it, but know I’ll probably enjoy it when I’m doing it, am glad of having done it afterwards, and long term benefits make it absolutely worth it (you have said yourself the relationship benefits).

I totally understand the feeling of “wanting to be someone who wants more sex” but I think it’s v v normal for women especially not to be that bothered after a certain point in a long term relationship. And I also think it’s normal for most men in long term relationships to want regular sex. So compromise is very very often going to be necessary.

Hope you are able to resolve it to both of your satisfaction.

I had a similar situation with my husband for years so I know how difficult it can be. We also reached a compromise of once a week though we didn’t have a “set day” as such, but we agreed at least once a week. However, I did consider that my husband was compromising too, because he would want sex most days. I think you should try to see that your husband is also compromising, it is not just you who is not getting exactly what they want.
In my case our problem kind of resolved itself as my husbands sex drive waned a lot in his mid 50s which tbh was a relief to both of us and now we have far fewer arguments as are more like best friends. So this may or may not happen to your husband eventually but in the meantime I think it’s important not to see your husband as a bad person for wanting to have sex with you, or to feel resentful. Imagine how resentful he would feel if you stopped having sex with him beyond once in a blue moon.

I would get your hormone levels checked. You may need some help. I’m over the menopause now, but wish I had tried HRT and testosterone to help with sex drive, it would have helped my marriage stay on track.