Mismatched sex drives causing conflict - help appreciated

[justabigdisco]

Looking for advice from anyone who has been through similar and actually managed to improve/resolve the situation. When I chat to my friends it seems to be a pretty common scenario but no one seems to have a solution.

Been married 10 years, together for 15. 2 primary aged kids and we both have professional fairly high stress jobs with no family support nearby (just to give some context).

It has been clear for a long time that my husbands sex drive is much higher than mine. He would want 3-4 times a week whereas I would genuinely be happy with ‘once in a blue moon’ when I felt like it. I honestly am not bothered in the slightest although I would like to be the kind of woman who wants sex more and feels more sexual IYSWIM? No medical/mental health/medication issues affecting things - it has been this way for ages although I’m in my 40s so aware that menopause is on the horizon and likely to make things worse rather than better.

We have had relationship counselling in the past and also a course of sex therapy which was quite useful in that it made us talk about things in a conflict free environment and we had to do ‘homework’ each week, but ultimately I feel like the outcome of the programme was ‘just have sex more’.

At the end of therapy we had agreed a situation where we ‘make time for each other’ every Friday night which basically means scheduled sex. I don’t mind this, as it seemed to be keeping my husband happy and to be honest I do enjoy it once I get going so it felt like a good compromise. However, resentment had started creeping in on my part and it started to feel like an obligation. It blew up on Friday because I said I didn’t want to. He claims to respect this but wants me to suggest another day if I don’t want to do Friday. I admit I had agreed to do this but I don’t. I just say I don’t want to (usually because we are out/doing something else - when we’re at home it does usually happen).

I feel like I’m the one who has made all the effort to improve things by essentially committing to something that I don’t want to do (although I want to want to!). When I asked him on Friday what compromise/effort he has made, his answer was that he ‘has put up with less than he wants’ and amazingly, that he has ‘resisted being unfaithful’ like that deserves some sort of medal. I don’t feel there have been real improvements in the emotional intimacy / non sexual physical intimacy which is what I wanted to get out of counselling.

Thanks to all who have read this far. I guess what I want is to have regular sex (as it does help the relationship, I have to admit) without it feeling like an obligation and actually looking forward to it each week. Then I’d be less likely to say no. I genuinely don’t know how to change things. Advice welcome.

Tricky ,but OP you say I don’t mind this, as it seemed to be keeping my husband happy and to be honest I do enjoy it_ once I get going

which suggests to me that there is some possibility that you might enjoy it more frequently if there were more of a build up ? If your partner changed his Technique ?

We agreed on once a week as a minimum when our DC were young (20 years ago). And of course there have been occasions on which one of us did it to please the other rather than out of personal desire. Sex, like many other aspects of life, changes as you get older. It can become routine and less spontaneous. But routine sex is better than no sex. And if you persist you will find that sexual enjoyment continues well beyond middle age - we're still going strong at 63.

Thanks for all the replies, I really do appreciate the different points of view and it has helped me consider things from his perspective. To try and answer some of the questions. No, I wouldn’t consider an open marriage. I don’t feel as though splitting up is on the cards. I do appreciate what you have all said about the fact that he IS compromising. Fair point. However to clarify, he does say that he is happy with once a week and would be happy with less as long as he knows what the deal is. Fair enough I guess.

We don’t just do PIV and yes I do orgasm. I always enjoy it once I get going, and wish I would want it more but honestly if someone told me I could never have sex again I wouldn’t be too bothered.

I really don’t feel it’s perimen related, I have been this way for around 10 years. We did have sex more frequently when we were first together but doesn’t everyone? I feel he is unrealistic in his expectation that things would carry on that way forever (I was his first ever LTR).

He does say that we can do ‘other stuff’ and it doesn’t have to lead to sex (massage etc) but generally when we try that, I do get turned on and it does lead to sex so it’s hard to separate them out. No we don’t have a lot of physical intimacy - this is something I have struggled to accept and during therapy he agreed to try harder but nothing has changed. Perhaps part of the reason that I feel resentful.

I think that if there is no physical intimacy - hugs, cuddles etc. then it is only to be expected that you find it hard to engage in sex - women in the main need to feel close to someone before they have sex - and if sexual encounters are the only instance of physical intimacy, then this needs to change - and he needs to take some responsibility for that......he agreed to try harder but nothing has changed says a lot.

He is telling you what he wants from you, but not doing his bit to make that more possible. Physical intimacy outside of sex is even more important for someone who has low drive anyway.

He is being very unrealistic if he thinks that sexual activity continues at the same level of frequency and enthusiasm as the first flush of being together. Most couples shake down in some way to a realistic and mutually satisfying relationship on all fronts, as they recognise that time and children and life in general change around them.

I am sorry that this is such a problem in your life at the moment, but it seems to me that he is watching you compromise (once a week) without doing his bit to create the conditions within your relationship that would encourage you to want to engage in sex with him, rather than just fulfilling a perceived duty.

Yes this sounds exactly right.

Would he listen if you discussed this with him again?

How about a compromise where you ask him to be more physically affectionate throughout the week without any expectation of sex, to make you feel more desired and desirable and frankly, loved. It could be that you are only getting affection when he wants sex and that makes you feel used? Lots of women don't feel 'in the mood' but often end up enjoying sex once they go along with it. I wouldn't feel resentful about your once a week intimacy. Or ask yourself why?

But your husband is compromising.. once a week is a compromise for him.
You shouldn’t have sex you don’t want but he shouldn’t have a sexless marriage either (once in a blue moon IS a sexless marriage).
If you can’t compromise, it’s time to split

I dumped my partner because of this. The once a week thing was a compromise for us too.

I felt the day of doom approaching and dreaded it. It was awful. The sex was ok I just wasn’t horny unless it was mid month or the day before my period. So it was hormonal.

After we DTD I felt so good as I had ‘done my duty’ and ‘made him happy’ but I got sick of that and couldn’t take it any longer. I felt used and cheap. As though I was just a warm hole for him to use. He prattled on about ‘missing the closeness’ and other bollocks but I was into kissing cuddling and massage so he was talking crap. He just wanted a shag.

If you want to stay together I’d try Disney’s idea. Worth a shot. It may help. And set a massage night when nothing else is expected. And don’t get carried away. Perhaps the suspense and build up will help?

Just to throw something else into the mix - what contraception are you using?
I spent years thinking my sex drive was lower than it really was - tried various contraceptive pills, the injection, the implant and mirena coil
Due to long term menstrual issues I wanted to try without so DP had a vasectomy
I rediscovered my sex drive and then some - had no idea that all the contraceptive options had affected things so much
Sadly it didn’t stop my menstrual issues so eventually had a hysterectomy - but sex drive stayed higher and is only dwindling a little now I’m nearly 60

I went to a counsellor with my ex- not specifically for sex issues but it came up, a similar situation to yourself. One thing she’s said was this, and it really resonated with me:

Men need to have sex to feel loved, and women need to feel loved to have sex.

For me, the point of those “make time for each other” evenings was his golden opportunity to make you feel loved, so that you would want to have sex. Telling you you should basically be grateful he hasn’t cheated isn’t going to do that.

You fulfilled your end of the bargain to a point, and had sex to make him feel loved. It doesn’t sound like he is doing much to make you feel loved.

I feel sorry for your husband. I am in the same boat as him. My DH is the same as you - we just went 14 weeks with nothing.

I can't put in to words, the absolute pain and frustration that I feel on a daily (hourly) basis about this. I can resonate with his comment about being "not being unfaithful". I do ask myself why I am living a celibate lifestyle, when I could just get sex elsewhere. Is it really cheating if I'm not having sex with 2 people at the same time? I have not cheated btw, but feel that I could (maybe) if the right set of circumstances presented themselves. But I don't want to! I love and fancy my DH!

Also, for me, it's the lack of care on DH part that hurts me. He knows that he could just set aside 15 minutes a week for sex with me, and that would keep me ticking over - but he doesn't bother. I don't feel "heard". My sexuality is being silenced. Locked in a box and the key thrown away. I'm 51. I didn't want to be celibate at this age. But here I am.

I don't want to separate, as everything else is perfect. We are so close in every other way.

Unless you are in your DH and my shoes, you just cannot begin to comprehend, how utterly soul destroying it is, to be a sexual being, who is trapped in a marriage with a partner who is dead below the waist.

judgejudyrocks, what a sad and heartfelt post. It was reading something similar on here a decade ago that shocked me into changing my approach to sex with my wonderful DH (typical story, my sex drive has dropped away over 20 years and three children, whereas his is unchanged).

I just don't crave sex anymore (I'd like to, but don't - I think it is not unusual for women in a LTR) but I do absolutely want my DH to feel loved and desired. So I make an effort (summerbumpkin's running analogy is a very good one) and almost always enjoy it. Our relationship is 100% better for it.

That said, I only think this approach works if there rest of the relationship is very very good. If there are other sources of resentment then I think scheduled sex would become yet another one.

The "I've resisted being unfaithful" comment would do it for me, what the hell?! You can't guilt and threaten someone into sex they don't want! Would be over for me.. no wonder you don't want to sleep with him. I wouldn't want to sleep with anyone who said that to me. What does he want, a medal for not cheating???

@judgejudyrocks. I do understand how you feel , but I think the comment ‘dead below the waist’ is a bit uncalled for. There can be lots of reasons people don’t want sex with their partner , mental or physical— doesn’t necessarily mean they are dead below the waist - They may love masturbation etc- just not with their partner - it’s easy to say well split up- quite often the one who isn’t getting sex makes it clear they don’t want to split —even if the other person does and you end up still together but no sex. — I know plenty of people who to be frank are pretty dead above the neck too but we rarely describe people as such

I think the elephant in the room for OP and for so many relationships is ....most people most of the time, want a healthy active sex life. Expressing your sexuality and having your sexuality accepted by someone else, sharing that mutual desire and connection, is a huge part of an intimate loving relationship.

But often what switches us on to someone else loses capacity over time. This is especially true for women who need things like unpredictability, danger, mystery, novelty and unfamiliar attention to feel sexual. These things are very hard to sustain in a long term relationship. Add to that the daily grind, small resentments, sense of obligation and sexuality can grind to a halt. People (especially women?) might think they never want sex again, but find themselves single, and with a new person it all comes flooding back.
Sometimes a long term relationship is just too stable, predictable and stale to generate sexual tension.
In your case OP - I think you at least identify that some of that tension might come from a build up of physical affection and your DH should do more. Perhaps spend more time apart, more time resolving resentments, more time feeling attractive and desirable? Also seeing your DH as a genuine other person, not just your other half, but someone with choices and desires too? I suspect that might have been what he meant?
There aren't easy solutions I know- but all the alternatives are not easy either.

women who need things like unpredictability, danger, mystery, novelty and unfamiliar attention to feel sexual

Sometimes a long term relationship is just too stable, predictable and stale to generate sexual tension.

I think there is a great deal of truth in this. Its interesting that although men in general seem to have more of a reputation for affairs etc I think that women actually find monogamy harder. Perhaps the difference is that women are more likely to be content with settling for less sex if the rest of the relationship is good.

(I know that these are generalisations)

Isn't there a book called Mating in Captivity or something like that which deals with the paradox of the fact that positive things such as trust and security in a relationship have a detrimental impact on sex drive?

Just another way of looking at this. Might be worth thinking about.

Sex drives are not fixed things like the colour of your eyes. They depend on the relationship between the people but also within one person, how far that person is "in touch" with their own desire. Feeling desire is on one level exciting of course. But to desire it also to open the door to all sorts of other feelings - as soon as you desire something it can feel like you have a dependence, you have outsourced autonomy, and the possibility of frustration of that desire. Some people can manage that OK, but others have strong psychological and emotional defences. They prefer to feel no desire at all than deal with all the difficult feelings that desire brings with it. The person's conscious experience is of "no desire" and if you ask them "do you desire sex? (or whatever it is)" then they will answer honestly no, I don't, not really! But usually there is someone else around, another person, who they are in a close reln with, who is feeling "lots of desire!". Desiring for two.

In longer term relationships its common for things to get polarised like this - so that one partner holds all the other's feeling.

In this case sounds like your DH is the keeper of all the desire and needing. Perhaps you have given him your desire to keep too.

Obviously this causes difficulties - hence your post - but at some level this is perhaps more comfortable for you to cope with than the alternative - which is that you might be the needing, desiring one.

@zurala

I'm in the opposite situation and it's awful. I think you need to find a compromise that works for both of you (would fortnightly be better for you?) Or have an open marriage, or split up.I dont think it's fair to expect someone to live without sex, or with so little sex (once in a blue moon). That's not a relationship, it's a flatshare. Most people who comment are likely to be on your side but I think you are being unfair to your husband. Such a low sex drive isn't natural. I speak as someone who has been in a sexless marriage for 8 years now and it's hell.

I am you and have contemplated finding it elsewhere. I would keep this secret from my husband. Haven't done it yet but getting close

I can remember the shock of understanding when a friend ,referring to sex with her partner ,used the word intimacy .

This is why sexless relationships are more than a lack of sex,they are a lack of closeness .

I think looking for sex outside a relationship as an answer to a sexless relationships leads to another layer of problems .

@peridito

I can remember the shock of understanding when a friend ,referring to sex with her partner ,used the word intimacy .

This is why sexless relationships are more than a lack of sex,they are a lack of closeness .

I think looking for sex outside a relationship as an answer to a sexless relationships leads to another layer of problems .

Precisely. Sex is not simply a physical need it is an expression of love and commitment. The glue in a relationship. The feeling of closeness and a shared life together in an LTR is at its strongest after sex IMO. And a lack of sexual satisfaction tends to magnify other problems in a relationship.

I understand how difficult it must be on both sides here but if you genuinely can’t then you need to be more open and flexible about where he gets his needs from.

I would never say force yourself to do it if you don’t want to, make an effort yes, but forcing can damage yourself and build up resentment towards him which is never great in a marriage is it.

In my eyes you have two options here -

1. Allow him to have sexual (only sexual) relations occasionally outside the marriage. Under both of your own agreed boundaries.
2. Separate.

I do feel for a lot of people that physical intimacy is not just a want but a need in a relationship, and as much as it’s easy to stay faithful withholding it from someone who needs it in the long run is a sure fire ticket to cheating, which just breaks hearts and ruins lives in the long run.

The compromise is just that, it is a compromise and not a long lasting solution. Resentment on both sides will start to set in and reading your post it has already. He can't decide that you have more sex just like you can't decide that he has less. Honestly it is only going one way unfortunately.

But if sex is ”glue”, intimacy, expression of love etc.
How would it be okey for him to get from somewhere else?

And if it was just ejaculation, why couldn’t he do it himself?