"like most relationships we have had our ups and downs"

[DillonPanthersTexas]

Often as part of the scene setting preamble on the relationship boards the above sentence is trotted out. I have always been intrigued as to what precisely this means, arguing, being emotionally distanced from each other, affairs, abuse?? I can't help but feel at times it is a deliberately nebulous term to mask perhaps some crap behaviour from the OP before they start being critical with some aspect of their DPs behaviour. Apologies for the random Sunday morning musings. Thoughts?

I agree. Ups and downs can mean anything, disagreements about where to go on holiday to out and out abuse. It's often used to gloss over horrific acts that should have people running like the wind.

I can't help but feel at times it is a deliberately nebulous term to mask perhaps some crap behaviour from the OP before they start being critical with some aspect of their DPs behaviour

What on earth do you mean? It's long been established that all Mumsnetters are completely beyond reproach, and in every single instance it's the DP who is in the wrong, in it's entirety.

I mean, really?

It’s surely all relative? I’m assuming some people would put up with horrendous behaviour in exchange for what they perceive as the “highs”.

It’s a very variable phrase - I’d say it applies to all relationships but if I said I’d be referring to things like: moving in together during lockdown and the strain of adapting to family life while WFH/homeschooling; issues with finances due to varying employment situations/differences in earnings; different needs for socialising and time alone etc. But none of these have caused arguments, name-calling, cheating, just some stress that needed to be worked through. Maybe one party feeling a bit grumpy for a week or so and needing to reconnect consciously at the end of it.

Other posters use the phrase to mean affairs, blazing rows, separations and all sorts!

I have wondered this, too. I do think it can be a bit of a euphemism. Or perhaps there are lots of people in crap relationships who think they're in normal relationships, in which bad behaviour is the norm but explained away as ups and downs. Some of the posts I've seen on here would suggest that. It's really sad to read what some women put up with and think is standard behaviour.

I think ups and downs are code words for stress and difficulties. Life is stressful and most people react negatively to stress which can lead to people feeling fed up and not themselves. I do think we are living in difficult times which will affect people in different ways.

I've always thought it's shorthand for saying 'ofcourse I don't expect my relationship to be perfect, we've had to deal with the usual mix of illness, work stress, bereavement, worries about children's exams etc'

But now you've got me thinking - I've assumed that because that's my idea of normal ups and downs. But it is relative, and someone else might mean - affairs, drug addiction, fights. I won't look at that sentence the same again!

I suspect that of anyone feels the need to use that phrase, then those ups and downs must be reasonably substantial.

I just thought it meant, I knew a marriage wouldn’t be pure joy, contentment and happiness.
That they have had arguments and felt distant at times. Other times felt closer and supported, that they have wondered occasionally “do I really know you” and other times thought you are my rock! That they have weathered things like financial strain, emotional upset, bereavement and differing opinions.

@saraclara

I suspect that of anyone feels the need to use that phrase, then those ups and downs must be reasonably substantial.

Same.

No one's life or relationship is without its 'ups and downs'. That's a given.

Unhappiness at work, redundancies, bereavements, disagreements, babies etc. All those things put additional pressures on a relationship. We all know that and so I don't think the phrase means that because we all know life isn't plain sailing for anyone and no one is going to agree with anyone else on every single thing etc.

I always assume it means something that they've chosen to 'work through' something that other people might have thought, "Fuck that for a game of soldiers!" about - so infidelity of some kind or another, being stood up, new bf/gf going on a three day bender... I generally assume it means inappropriate contact/communication with another person.

@LizJamIsFab

I just thought it meant, I knew a marriage wouldn’t be pure joy, contentment and happiness. That they have had arguments and felt distant at times. Other times felt closer and supported, that they have wondered occasionally “do I really know you” and other times thought you are my rock! That they have weathered things like financial strain, emotional upset, bereavement and differing opinions.

This is what I'd think from that statement. Life isn't always smooth, sometimes you get on great, sometimes there's distance and stress and low level bickering. I wouldn't use it for my marriage. I'd hope most people hadn't had our downs.

@LizJamIsFab

I just thought it meant, I knew a marriage wouldn’t be pure joy, contentment and happiness. That they have had arguments and felt distant at times. Other times felt closer and supported, that they have wondered occasionally “do I really know you” and other times thought you are my rock! That they have weathered things like financial strain, emotional upset, bereavement and differing opinions.

This is what I’ve always assumed too, as it’s been my experience of “ups and downs”. And while I agree it may well be a smokescreen for bad behaviour - on either side - I do also think some OPs include it to stave off the otherwise-inevitable “did you expect marriage to be a rose garden / are you always perfect OP?” comments that some MNers seem unable to resist.

It’s similar to someone describing really shit behaviour but then saying he’s a great dad as though that makes up for it all

In my relationship it means depression and anxiety problems, money being tight/job issues., dealing with loss and arguments about chores etc. Different to abuse.

I always read it as OP saying "on some level I am aware that this is a terrible, terrible relationship and I ought to LTB". But maybe that's the cynic in me.

I’m also super curious about this in real life when people put it on Facebook as part of an anniversary status, or say it in a speech or something. I am very nosy though 😁

My (18 year) marriage has never had ups and downs.

Our lives have had ups and downs, but our marriage has only ever been supportive and caring through lives stresses.

Whenever I read the sentence I assume the writer has a crap marriage.

Good point FATE

To me it means it's not always been easy but they have managed to work things out to that point. Things being little things such as arguing over chores to bigger things such as difficulties they dont wish to share.

Your relationship has never had rough patches, OP?

I feel like that’s a bit worrying in itself.

Interesting!

"ups and downs" I would always assume DC issues - disagreements over getting dc assessed. Just typing that I realise it's not the norm!

My marriage was certainly an "up" initially. I was incredibly happy. Then he turned. So that was "our" down. I tried talking, counselling, it didn't solve anything so I buggered off.

Your relationship has never had rough patches, OP?

At the risk of sounding smug, in 14 years no. We have disagreements but not blazing rows, we talk things through, we don't swear at each other. We have had the stress of IVF, job losses, sick parents and other shite life throws at you but we have been pretty damn solid and we definitely bring out the best in each other. We have not had prolonged periods of either one of us acting the twat or feeling unfulfilled or unhappy. Not sure if that is weird.

No it’s not weird, or smug. It’s something to be very grateful for. But many a woman has said that, not knowing what was around the corner.

I wouldn't say mine and DHs relationships has ups and downs. Yeah we bicker at times and sometimes things can be stressful (three kids aged 5 and under during a pandemic etc) but these things last minutes really and aren't anything that could be considered a 'patch'. We are generally on an even keel and content with each other.

However, I have been married before and that was the definition of a rollercoaster. We were either super-great or really really not and there wasn't much in between. So I do know what people mean when they say this stuff. As to whether the ups/downs are a particular persons fault I'd say it depends. In my case my DH was a chronic binge drinker and I pretty much checked out of the relationship because of it, so I was distant and avoidant and used to spend unhealthy amounts of time fantasising about us splitting up. So I wasn't a great wife either...

@Konyeshno

I always read it as OP saying "on some level I am aware that this is a terrible, terrible relationship and I ought to LTB". But maybe that's the cynic in me.

This. This is what I think it means.

I don't think never having ups and downs is anything to worry about btw, I actually think it's pretty healthy to have a stable relationship.