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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Trapped in marriage with no way out

44 replies

Elisemum · 07/08/2021 12:32

Hi everyone, I’ve no one to talk to and I’m trying to see what others think about my situation. Been married 3 years and have a 2 year old son and another son on the way. I don’t like being around my hunsband and he feels the same way. We don’t hate each other, we just simply don’t like each other and wouldn’t even be friends in any other situation. I know it sounds strange but there is no love anymore. I can’t leave him, soon I will have 2 children and my family and friends are in my home country, I don’t have anyone here… also I wouldn’t do that to my son who is obsessed with his daddy. My DH is a great dad, loves our son and does a lot - he is a good person and I know he would make someone else happy, just not me… every time we have a fight he says he only married me becouse he didn’t want to be left alone with all his friends being married. And that I married him becouse I wanted children - which is the truth. We are both trapped in this loveless marriage and it makes me so upset (him too I think). He tried to treat me well enough but he just can’t help himself. I don’t have a driving licence and there is not a day where he doesn’t call me lazy and useless becouse I don’t drive.. 2 days ago I had to ask him to pick me up from shops as I’m 8 months pregnant and had done a lot of shopping for the new baby and was in pain and wouldn’t make it to the bus- he did pick me up but just wouldn’t stop telling me it’s my own fault for not driving and it’s not up to him to “give me lifts” and that I should just make it to the bus somehow. I don’t even cry anymore, at this stage im all cried out, I’d like to make my life happier and better but I just don’t see a way out…:(

OP posts:

Snowfalling · 07/08/2021 12:39

Op, so sorry to hear you're going through this.

He is not a nice person. A nice man would pick up his 8 month pregnant wife from the shops happily. He sounds absolutely awful.

Are you settled in this country? As in legally? Could you call women's aid for advice? There is help available, you're not trapped.

MartyHart · 07/08/2021 12:43

There's always a way out, you just can't see it right now.
If you split your son will still see his dad, if you stay in a miserable relationship your son will know you are both unhappy.
Keep talking to us, we're always here for you.

Original poster

Elisemum · 07/08/2021 12:45

Also maybe just to give another example: this pregnancy has been very difficult for me and now at almost 8 months I can’t really walk too much let alone carrying stuff. I get stitches and pains and I’m huge. I wouldn’t even dare asking him to go to a shop for anything for me so I usually just wait until he says he is going shopping and I ask him to buy few things for me and our son. He does it but always with a comment to say “I’m using him” and if I need something I can go to the shop myself… problem is the shop is 1km away and I simply can’t walk more than 200 meters… but he doesn’t understand that, he says pregnancy is not a “disease” and I should be able to live normally. Im staring to feel like maybe im really at fault here, I don’t know anymore…he never asks how I feel (I’ve been very sick and throwing up a lot), the other day he said it’s just not something that would even cross his mind… he says im using the pregnancy as an excuse to be lazy. I don’t need to tell you how it makes me feel, but it’s the lowest I’ve ever felt in my life. I try to be strong and not cry as I know it will only make me more miserable and will have no effect on him. I just don’t know what to do, maybe if someone else would tell me their point of view on this situation and if you think it’s my fault?

OP posts:

LIZS · 07/08/2021 12:48

He just sounds very unpleasant and unsupportive. Can you go back to your family? Who will look after your ds when you have dc2?

MiddlesexGirl · 07/08/2021 12:55

What are your finances like? Have you worked in this country?

Original poster

Elisemum · 07/08/2021 12:55

My family is in my home country. there is no way of me coming back there, I wouldn’t manage to be a single mum with 2 kids. Also it would break my parents heart if they knew about all of this :( I’ve lived here in this country for 12 years, my whole career is here, we have a house and a mortgage. He is a great dad and he loves our son very much, I know he will take great care of him when I’m taking care of the new baby. It’s just me who he has problem with. He tries but he just doesn’t love me and I can see it every minute of every day. Doesn’t it seem like a situation with no way of escaping?

OP posts:

Original poster

Elisemum · 07/08/2021 13:01

We can’t complain about finances, we are both working and have very good solid careers. But I don’t see myself as a single mother I just wouldn’t be able to do it:( I think he would be happy if I left
him and would be happy to support his kids - he said so. But he knows I wouldn’t be able to take care of 2 children on my own and that’s why he says he is being used.

OP posts:

category12 · 07/08/2021 13:02

Could you agree to separate amicably and co-parent in the same home for a while?

Take the pressure off having a relationship with each other and just concentrate on the children until you're in a position to live separately? Once you've had the baby, get as independent as you can financially and socially, learn to drive and decide what to do from there?

category12 · 07/08/2021 13:02

Why wouldn't you be able to look after your two children alone?

MartyHart · 07/08/2021 13:05

Not at all. You have a career. When your baby is born you can start making plans for getting out of this situation.
Lots of strong supportive women on here who can give you practical advice.
This isn't your fault, maybe you don't love each other but he is choosing to be horrible to you when you are heavily pregnant.
Could you get some shopping delivered so you don't have to go to the shop?
Do you have any friends you could talk to?
You don't have to go back to your home country (presuming your immigration status is secure). Plenty of women do it alone and do it well.
Please don't give up and accept this, you deserve better.
You don't want your son to think his dad's treatment of his mother is ok.

Solasum · 07/08/2021 13:07

Your husband has conditioned you to think you are useless. You are not.

Do you have British citizenship? If not, get it. It will simplify things later if you split.

Aim to start taking driving lessons as soon as you can post partum.

He is not a great dad if he is horrible to you.

MartyHart · 07/08/2021 13:07

You absolutely can do it on your own, you just don't believe it.

Original poster

Elisemum · 07/08/2021 13:07

Category12: becouse it’s just too hard. Hats off to all single mums out there who are doing an amazing job and in my eyes are superheroes! I just wouldn’t be able to do it and I can’t imagine how I would ever be able to look after 2 kids and work to support them at the same time

OP posts:

quizqueen · 07/08/2021 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

MartyHart · 07/08/2021 13:09

You get childcare, you might as well be alone you get zero support from him.

MartyHart · 07/08/2021 13:09

@quizqueen how is that helpful?

LIZS · 07/08/2021 13:11

It seems daunting now but if you have the financial independence you have options many others don't. He is not suddenly going to change.

Original poster

Elisemum · 07/08/2021 13:15

Thanks everyone for support. @category12 yeah an idea to separate and co- partner for a while from the same house might be a good one. It’s just such a sad existence I guess and such a sad situation to be in :( anyway I’ll have to figure something out sooner or later but it’s so very daunting I just can’t see a way forward at the moment :(

OP posts:

CardiOfDoom · 07/08/2021 13:17

I don't agree that he tries to treat you well, you're not even getting basic human kindness from this man and he shouldn't need to be in love with you for that. Once your baby is born and you're back on your feet could you speak to a solicitor about where you would stand if you divorced? Is it supporting yourself financially that makes you feel you're trapped or do you just not feel you could cope on your own? Staying for your DC is never the best thing for them, growing up with the unhealthy dynamic you describe will damage them a million times more than a divorce would.

MiddlesexGirl · 07/08/2021 13:18

There is a way forward. You just need time to get your head around it. To make yourself mentally ready. And to make sure you've got everything in place so you can do it when you're ready to.

bubblebubblebubbletrouble · 07/08/2021 13:19

I don't know if you are in the UK or what career you have, but I have been a single parent since dd2 was 5 months old (dd1 was around 4) well pretty much since she was about 2 weeks old but he moved out at 5 months and worked full time and it is daunting but I am living proof it can work especially if your husband is truly the great parent you make out and you are relatively financially secure. I mean career progression is on the back burner for now but I'm ok with that to enjoy childhood with the kids.
The added stress of an unhappy relationship will make everything harder. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and new baby - nothing's impossible

category12 · 07/08/2021 13:20

Of course it's daunting when you're heavily pregnant and have a two year old . But you have a good career and a house, so you're in a good position for changing things when you're ready.

Treezan82 · 07/08/2021 13:21

It's your choice, if being a single parent is too hard then by all means stay in the marriage. But don't tell yourself there is no way out, there is. You just don't want to do it because you think it'll be worse. For what it's worth, I have never heard of a person who regretted leaving a shitty, loveless marriage - no matter how hard being a single parent is.

You also seem to have a view that divorcing your husband means your children have divorced him too - it doesn't work like that. He will still be there dad, they will still be with him, he will have them on his own a certain percentage of the time. You just won't all be under the same roof.

Original poster

Elisemum · 07/08/2021 13:21

@quizqueen yes thanks I’ve heard of online shopping. This was just an example I gave. Another example: a week ago my husband went to a wedding and I stayed at home with our son. He didn’t contact me for almost 2 days, not even to check if I was ok… his phone was off for most of the time and while we argued about it he said it was dead and his charger was in the car. So to simply sun up: he just didn’t bother to go to the car to charge his phone just in case his heavily pregnant wife needed to contact him. When I cried and ask him why he said “he was sure I’ll be fine” and that he was just too hangover to go to his car, and he knew if there was anything wrong with me or our toddler I would have called one of his friends

OP posts:

Iusedtobesoooomuchfun · 07/08/2021 13:21

The only thing trapping you is you.

Of course you can look after 2 children. It would only be for 3.5 days week anyway if you did a 50/50 split. You can look after your own children for 3.5 days a week surly? Come on OP! Tell us what scares you or worries you about looking after the children on your own...

Start doing online shopping too. It will help massively. That way your aren't in pain trying to shop. Even if you have to use a different supermarket then you usually do. Get a delivery.

Do you want to learn to drive? That's up to you. But it dose make parenting easier.

If you have a steady income and will get 50% of assets you are in a great position there.

Sounds soulless and joyless. And I think you really need to start planning your way out.

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