Struggling to cope with dp's chronic illnesses and mental health

[Exhausted5487]

NC for this but regularish poster. I've been reluctant to post on here about this after seeing a pp get ripped to shreds for being honest about struggling with living with someone with chronic illness. But I have nowhere to chat and I'm just need to find others experiencing the same.

My dh has multiple complex chronic illnesses that mostly flared up when dd was a baby, along with depression and anxiety. It is so hard being the one who is well and carrying everything, it's so had a knock on effect on me and my health.

Last week we went away with family and sadly he had a big flare up of his conditions. He didn't want to constantly sit out on things so he was often there but just sat looking miserable and not engaging. This was because of how he was feeling but he also sometimes acted really childishly about things he didn't like (sat sulking at a lunch he didn't like - probably thought it was subtle but my mum commented on it to me). If he was feeling well he wouldn't have been like that but I think feeling so rough just made him act like that. I was really annoyed though and embarrassed.

Fast forward to seeing us chatting about the holiday and me reassuring him that people knew he was ill and didn't judge him on that. I brought up the lunch though as I wanted to talk about it. He is now lying in bed utterly depressed because he thinks he's an awful human being.

It is just so hard constantly having to be the strong one. I know no relationship is perfect but I feel so jealous of other people we know who had in equal (amd healthy) relationships.

This might sound like I don't care about my dh but I do and I know how hard it is for him. I love him and he is a wonderful man that has been through hell the last few years.

However I just feel completely overlooked as a partner supporting him. I can't find anywhere on mumsnet for partners/family of people who are ill. But surely I'm not the only one that struggles and would love an outlet. I don't feel I can be honest about things with dh or any friends/family but I am struggling so much.

There is somewhere but I can't remember the name...someone will be along soon and tell you.

My DH has MH problems so I understand how difficult it can be. Everything is a concession or a compromise. EVERYTHING.

If he gets grumpy, I can't complain or he'll descend.

I did think about leaving for a while...it's still in the back of my mind but he's improved lately.

Do you have kids too?

Please use very good birth control. Dont say you want a sibling for your child then have another baby which will make everything 100 times worse.

Exhausted - I’m sure people in similar situations will be along to give more practical advice. BUT, you are most certainly allowed to complain / get things off your chest. That’s necessary for your own mental health. And talking about your feelings is a healthy thing to do, so ignore posters who rip you apart for that. Often, talking about something makes it easier to deal with, even if the situation hasn’t changed. It sounds like you are doing a great job of holding things together in the family. Look after yourself

Being a carer is exhausting (and you are, whatever else you call it).
Your needs are always second.
You constantly suppress your true feelings.
You can't be yourself.
It's not an equal partnership.
You try to discuss things as equals then are "punished".

It's so hard and no-one who has been there would judge. I'm sorry you feel you'd be ripped apart.
In sickness and in health - easy to say, not easy to do.

Your feelings and your mental health matter. It's no way to live having to shut up and not talk about how you're feeling and how all this is affecting you.

It sounds like you'd benefit from speaking to a counsellor. It would be a safe and supportive place for you to talk and to work through your feelings.

It doesn't sound like your husband is capable of having a relationship (through no fault of his own of course). He isn't meeting your needs and you don't have that equal partnership that you crave and that you deserve.

I know it's hard but you need to start putting yourself first for a change. If you're not careful, you'll end up being ill yourself. If you become unwell, who will look after you?

I have a serious mental health issue and my opinion is that the sulking isn't a mental health thing, it's a character thing.

When I'm low I don't sulk about things.

Either I'm up to doing them, in which case I do.

Or I'm not up to doing them, in which case I sit them out and am happy for DH to do them and then tell me all about it.

Unless you're forcing him to do things he doesn't feel up to, which it doesn't sound like you are, then he needs to get his shit together.

I would be having a conversation about the fact that it's absolutely fine not to be up to doing certain things or not feel like you want to go to a specific lunch because of a chronic condition (mental or physical) but you don't make yourself go and then sulk through it.

Also the 'in bed with depression' because he got called out on his childish behaviour

I think there are some things going on here that are his ways of behaving and dealing with things that are seperate to his conditions. If these are impacting on his family he needs to go to a therapist and work them out.

"It doesn't sound like your husband is capable of having a relationship (through no fault of his own of course). He isn't meeting your needs and you don't have that equal partnership that you crave and that you deserve".

I agree totally with this. Op, it looks like yr Dh often has flare ups at times of stress. Life is full of stresses which suggests to me , this will be an ongoing feature of your life. I appreciate your DH's illness is not his fault but, the result is , this will affect you for the length of your marriage and yr DD while she is young. It will prevent you and DD from doing things , going places, having family experiences and limit you personally throughout your marriage if DH is to be , or wants to involved but then has these issues. You are carrying so much and it is not fair. I will probably get flamed myself for this but, i personally would not stay in this marriage. With kindness, his illnesses are effecting your own quality of life and to an extent your daughters. You only get one life and yours is being restricted. You can still be a good friend to your DH if you divorced and can co parent your DD. Life is short OP and sometimes you have to be a little bit selfish.

I agree with you girl71

I feel you'd both do better apart, being friends and coparents.

I brought up the lunch though as I wanted to talk about it. He is now lying in bed utterly depressed because he thinks he's an awful human being.

This bit is especially problematic, because you're unable to have an honest conversation about his behaviour without him turning it into an episode and therefore making you afraid to ever challenge him.

This tips it towards being manipulative and emotionally blackmailing, whether he's consciously doing it or not.

I'd be tempted to go up to him in his pit and tell him that he needs to get up and that he needs to stop this - that of course you love him and that of course he's not an awful human being, but you need to be able to say when he's behaving badly without being punished for it. Because you are being punished for it.

You can't endlessly tiptoe around him. He needs to take responsibility for his stuff and not put it all on you. I would look at relationship counselling together and whether there's support for you as a carer?

I'm chronically ill and agree with pp above, the sulking is nothing to do with his illnesses. It's just him being childish.

Your husband sounds very manipulative, and there's no excuse for that.

If you aren't happy, you need to leave him. Your life doesn't have to be this way.

I am the person with a number of chronic conditions here. However, I also echo girl71 that you might be better off apart and co-parenting and should seriously consider whether you can make this work. I will understand if my husband feels like this is the best decision to make for himself and our family (and in fact I have already brought it up) if my health continues to deteriorate.

Hi Exhausted.
I promise I'm not making this about me but I can somewhat relate. Kind of.

I have a long list of chronic lifelong conditions after a cancer diagnosis. I often get 'flare ups'. It can't change. I can't change it. I have to learn to live from it etc.

A MASSIVE thing in this is mindset (from your DH,) it's so easy to fall into that dark hole or 'I'm just going to spend my life in bed, sulk, Woe is me, it's so hard,' the list goes on. And those thoughts are perfectly fine momentarily but it's absolutely NOT fair on you to carry the load.
I have a 9 month old and a DH and I make sure damn well he knows he's not carrying the load. As if I have an off down day, he stresses too.

You need support. What people forget about is looking after somebody with lifelong illnesses, YOU as his support network are going through this too. Your DHs life is far from the 'norm' but equally, the same as yours. So your feelings and emotions are 100% valid.
He needs to have a 'get up and go' attitude or this will quite literally swallow him up and bring you down.
Yes it's not his fault entirely, but he needs to understand if he wants to sulk around, this effects you and you won't stand for it.

People walk on egg shells around people with chronic illnesses, I get it all the time.

But if I'm being a silly cow for the hell of it and me me me all the time, I'd like to be told. As I have a family and a DD that needs me, not just my husband.

Sending huge hugs. I'm sorry if I made it about me. I just wanted to see if I could give some help or advice

What is he doing about his condition? What responsibility does he take for his own wellbeing? If it's nothing then he is 100% expecting you to carry that burden, it's unfair and completely unreasonable. He needs to take a very active approach to his wellbeing (as we all should) and seek professional support if he needs it.

@fortunesfave it is exhausting isn't it. A couple of years back I wasn't sure whether I could keep going either. I was carrying so much anger but we worked through it and came out stronger. We do have kids so I'm very aware of the impact on them, as is he. Are yours aware of his mental ill health? I'm sorry you're going through it as well.

@dandy0911 thank you for sharing I work in healthcare and I definitely see people who come to be defined by their health and consumed by the unfairness of it. He is very much in that stage and he does know that but it's so hard to move from that. I also work with a number of people who have been through horrendous things but their mindset means that they look for what is good and seek to live life as best they can. It really does make such a difference.

Thank you everyone for your replies, I really do appreciate them. I really want our relationship to work and do want to support him. I think counselling, both for me and our relationship, is a really wise suggestion. He has had counselling but I never have but it would be good to have that safe space to process it all. We definitely need to find a way that I can call him out when he's being unreasonable. I agree that being depressed isn't making him sulk - but I guess i meant that feeling unwell led him to not make the best choices but we need to agree that I can tell him that if that happens. I justvget annoyed because I feel like I shouldn't have to tell a grown man to stop sulking.

@colourmeclear he is being proactive, he's currently under multiple consultants and in counselling. Most is stress triggered and we've been stuck in a very stressful situation. Drs are hopeful that his health would massively improve when that resolves so we are also being proactive in trying to change our situation.

Sorry if I've not answered everything but thank you for listening. He is in a better frame of mind now and hopefully we can have a more constructive conversation soon. He can be very self aware and honest but sometimes just crumbles. However I also know that I'm not a great communicator and avoid conflict so I hope counselling might give me the skills and confidence to put my own experiences and views across in a better way.

I have a chronic condition and, like others have said, it's about managing it. People live with all sorts of chronic medical problems, and they have to find ways of dealing with this. Some are obviously better at it than others, and I'm sure that everybody's health is individual to them, everybody's pain is their own and everybody's coping mechanisms are different.

But he has to find one. It's not good enough to expect you to have to deal with everything - and the retreating in depression every time you are tired or fed up or need to call him out on his behaviour is just manipulative. That would enrage me. He's using his illness as an excuse.

He didn't want to constantly sit out on things so he was often there but just sat looking miserable and not engaging.

Nobody wants the "spectre at the feast". If your illness flares up, then imo you DO sit things out and retreat to your own space because you're too ill to join in. You don't sit there glooming away like a bloody martyr making sure you spoil things for everyone else and that you put a damper on it so that no one else can enjoy the activity either. That's childish.

I have chronic illness. Multiple physical and mental health issues. It's shit and it feels like if it's not one thing it's another.

It's also really shit for my partner. Thankfully we don't have young children at home as there is a lot of pressure on him to earn the money and do additional things around the home that I can't manage.

Sometimes both of us act irrationally and inappropriately because life feels really hard and like there is very little pleasure in it and sometimes that gets too much for one of us. We try not to do this but when you are struggling these things sometimes happen. It's absolutely fine for you to bring it up but being "criticised" when you feel depressed and ill and useless could certainly send me into depressive episode so the comments that he's being manipulative aren't really fair. He sounds to me like his life is very hard and he's not coping. When you are not coping it takes tiny things to set you off or tip you over the edge. It also means you are just managing to get through your day; which doesn't leave much for anyone else.

It's so important though that you also try to look after you. I know it must be so hard to find the time. But I insist that however I am my husband keeps up with his exercise and yoga; phone calls and meet ups with family and friends, and sometimes goes for things like massages. Whatever he needs to try to destress and look after his own well-being. Those things may be different for you. Easier I know when there aren't young children to look after but is there someone who can take them once a week or something so you get some time to look after you.

I also think the counselling is a good idea and something I've thought about us doing so we can talk in a safe space about how my health affects us and so my husbands needs can be heard and we can work through that with a third party.

I feel a LOT of guilt about how my health affects us and what we can do and our relationship and that can really make it hard for me me to hear how he is struggling sometimes. Perhaps that's partly why your husband has taken to his bed.

PS the people saying leave him. Ffs whatever happened to in sickness and in health.

You have my sympathies because you are a human being. Some women in particular are really harsh on other women. It's often the #BEKIND lot who are lacking in empathy at times.

I just get annoyed because I feel like I shouldn't have to tell a grown man to stop sulking

No you shouldn't so stop. It's easier said than done, but some sulkers love an audience. Don't be that audience. If you think he's doing it to get attention in an unhealthy way, to get people to fawn at him at expense to themselves, remove yourself from the situation. Go for a walk, just don't be witness to it.

He is now lying in bed utterly depressed because he thinks he's an awful human being

You should be able to discuss things with someone without this happening. If it happens every time you call him out on something, or you just want a difficult situation, I'm thinking that this may be more deliberate than you might realise. It's designed to make you stop challenging him.

To exaggerate this to make a point - imagine if every time you had an argument with someone, tried to disuses behaviour you felt was negative or damaging, they went to their room and started to self-harm? How on earth would that be an equal relationship??? The other person (who cared about their partner and wouldn't want them to hurt themselves), would simply stop asking for things or asserting themselves, thus corning them into submission.

Also, how old are you, (approx) OP?

If you are tired now, I can't imagine what grey life you will have by the time you reach 50 or 60 and beyond.

Anyone else curious whether the illnesses are ones with self reported symptoms only? Mysteriously getting ill with multiple issues right when attention for father is at a low ebb...what you have is a narcissist, not an ill person. I'm just going to guess whatever chronic illnesses these are, they're vague symptoms and no bright line tests...am I right? Keep in mind you've said nothing one way or the other about it until now OP...if this is a prediction that pans out, consider this may be a manifestation of covert narcissism.

Yeah I agree with the others - he’s a selfish so and so, the sulking isn’t part of the illnesses.

I have lupus, Addison’s, kidney issues, a pituitary tumour and asthma. I wouldn’t dream of sulking over a lunch! If I felt very unwell I might stay home and rest but being a moody arse just isn’t acceptable.

@RavingAnnie

I have chronic illness. Multiple physical and mental health issues. It's shit and it feels like if it's not one thing it's another.

It's also really shit for my partner. Thankfully we don't have young children at home as there is a lot of pressure on him to earn the money and do additional things around the home that I can't manage.

Sometimes both of us act irrationally and inappropriately because life feels really hard and like there is very little pleasure in it and sometimes that gets too much for one of us. We try not to do this but when you are struggling these things sometimes happen. It's absolutely fine for you to bring it up but being "criticised" when you feel depressed and ill and useless could certainly send me into depressive episode so the comments that he's being manipulative aren't really fair. He sounds to me like his life is very hard and he's not coping. When you are not coping it takes tiny things to set you off or tip you over the edge. It also means you are just managing to get through your day; which doesn't leave much for anyone else.

It's so important though that you also try to look after you. I know it must be so hard to find the time. But I insist that however I am my husband keeps up with his exercise and yoga; phone calls and meet ups with family and friends, and sometimes goes for things like massages. Whatever he needs to try to destress and look after his own well-being. Those things may be different for you. Easier I know when there aren't young children to look after but is there someone who can take them once a week or something so you get some time to look after you.

I also think the counselling is a good idea and something I've thought about us doing so we can talk in a safe space about how my health affects us and so my husbands needs can be heard and we can work through that with a third party.

I feel a LOT of guilt about how my health affects us and what we can do and our relationship and that can really make it hard for me me to hear how he is struggling sometimes. Perhaps that's partly why your husband has taken to his bed.

PS the people saying leave him. Ffs whatever happened to in sickness and in health.

Thank you so much for your reply, you worded it so well. I do not believe my husband is being manipulative at all, he is unwell and that is so tough on him and us. I know everyone has zeroed in on the sulking behaviour but this is not how he always acts. As you said, you and your dh are both capable of acting inappropriately because it's tough...that's what happened here. He was present at those events because he was trying to do the right thing, he thought if he sat out of it then people would try to adapt what was going on to suit him and he didn't want to be the reason for not doing things. I do need to be able to talk about things with him though, especially when he is acting unreasonably. I thought I'd timed it right but he was mortified by the fact it was obvious to others. Counselling would really help I think, to find better ways to communicate together.

I stopped looking after myself because I was so exhausted by the kids but I need to make time for myself, that is also my responsibility and not just his.

@wombofonesown you may have had the best intentions with that comment but that is so insulting to people who battle chronic illness. They have to constantly face ignorance and judgement because people think they're making it up or just need to get over it. Just because something is "invisible" doesn't make it any less valid. His ill health is genuine, diagnosed and he lives with constant pain and exhaustion.

@bagel but do you not ever have an off day where you regret how you've acted? I know I have and I'm not having to cope with half what you or my dh has to.

What is bringing on the stress he feels which exacerbates things - is it emotional such as annoyance at others ? Or physical stress.