Struggling to cope with dp's chronic illnesses and mental health

[Exhausted5487]

NC for this but regularish poster. I've been reluctant to post on here about this after seeing a pp get ripped to shreds for being honest about struggling with living with someone with chronic illness. But I have nowhere to chat and I'm just need to find others experiencing the same.

My dh has multiple complex chronic illnesses that mostly flared up when dd was a baby, along with depression and anxiety. It is so hard being the one who is well and carrying everything, it's so had a knock on effect on me and my health.

Last week we went away with family and sadly he had a big flare up of his conditions. He didn't want to constantly sit out on things so he was often there but just sat looking miserable and not engaging. This was because of how he was feeling but he also sometimes acted really childishly about things he didn't like (sat sulking at a lunch he didn't like - probably thought it was subtle but my mum commented on it to me). If he was feeling well he wouldn't have been like that but I think feeling so rough just made him act like that. I was really annoyed though and embarrassed.

Fast forward to seeing us chatting about the holiday and me reassuring him that people knew he was ill and didn't judge him on that. I brought up the lunch though as I wanted to talk about it. He is now lying in bed utterly depressed because he thinks he's an awful human being.

It is just so hard constantly having to be the strong one. I know no relationship is perfect but I feel so jealous of other people we know who had in equal (amd healthy) relationships.

This might sound like I don't care about my dh but I do and I know how hard it is for him. I love him and he is a wonderful man that has been through hell the last few years.

However I just feel completely overlooked as a partner supporting him. I can't find anywhere on mumsnet for partners/family of people who are ill. But surely I'm not the only one that struggles and would love an outlet. I don't feel I can be honest about things with dh or any friends/family but I am struggling so much.

Exhausted5487 your husband is very lucky to have you. I hope you can find a way of taking care of yourself and your needs and your husband can get some support to manage how he is responding to his illnesses. It is incredibly hard and you really need to take care and not burn out.

Treating yourself - arranging babysitter or something all the DCs are at at once so you can do something nice for yourself - hair/ massage/ sport whatever. I always felt guilty 'wasting' my money on something unnecessary because I was brought up with little spare cash. But you need to value yourself.

I know how hard it is to live with someone who suffers chronic illness. If my experience is anything to go by - You have to be always the strong one. Always thinking of everyone else before yourself. Often the one who has to bring in the income, do the lionshare of looking after home and family, support and look after someone who's ill, fight battles on their behalf (such as with healthcare providers) and generally be the emotional support for you both (as well as any children). I appreciate this won't always be the case for everyone in this situation. It is exhausting, and so easy to forget yourself and ignore your own wellbeing (which isn't good for any of you).

You also can't help but see yourself as a carer, and the dynamic in the relationship unavoidably changes. That is noone's fault.

Essential to making it work is communication, both being honest - and allowing the other to be honest - and also being aware of the risks to the wellbeing of the 'carer'. That means the ill person has to do all they can to control and improve their health situation, and to seek extra help if they need to, for example if they are depressed or anxious. They have to avoid being in constant 'patient / victim' mode. I know that many people with chronic conditions do manage it, but for some people it's hard to avoid.

Unfortunately your OH isn't allowing you an honest conversation, which is really unfair.

Something someone said to me when I was in your situation - just because someone is ill, it doesn't mean that all their actions can be attributed to the illness, and it doesn't mean that they can't be the strong one sometimes, and it doesn't mean they don't have to consider your feelings just as much as you consider theirs.

I feel for you both, and I know there are no easy answers.

I think if your OH is seeking as much professional help as they can, and recognises this is hard for you too, then there is a chance. But they have to allow you honest conversations, and take as much responsibility for your wellbeing as you take for theirs.

[quote Exhausted5487]@bagel but do you not ever have an off day where you regret how you've acted? I know I have and I'm not having to cope with half what you or my dh has to.[/quote]
Yeah but I usually just retreat into myself, I don’t sulk or take it out on other people.. I have a son with autism and learning disabilities as well as myself to cope with so I find being angry and moody doesn’t do anything to help except make everything worse. Maybe that’s a learning thing though!