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Original poster

Yes or no to last minute free time?

33 replies

Wobbleroo · 07/08/2021 08:56

DH isn't very organised with his time and will mention wanting to do something with friends or do a hobby right at the last minute.
I find myself saying that it's not good timing a lot and he doesn't go and will get resentful. I then feel really guilty because I want him to go and do things, but it will be when we've made plans already or I'm doing something myself. He thinks I just don't want him to do anything which isn't the case at all, I enjoy having a bit of space tbh!
Tomorrow, I'm going away for the day and then overnight with a friend, which has been planned for a month. Then yesterday, he asked me if I minded him going to an event for the day today, a few hours drive away, which would mean him not returning home until the early hours. Planned in, this would be fine, but he's supposed to be leaving at 8am tomorrow morning to take the DCs out with his parents for the day to a theme park which his parents have organised. He has to drive 1.5 hours each way and he will have only had a few hours sleep.
I've said I don't know if it's a great idea when he'll be tiring himself out and then driving on the motorway with DCs but I also feel really hypocritical if I say no hwen Im going away with my. friend.
There are loose plans for today, but they can easily be changed to accommodate him, I'm just not sure he's thinking through the timing very well considering he has a full on day with DCs tomorrow.
He could probably have mentioned this earlier, like every other time he does this and maybe have had a quieter day with the DCs instead. He just doesn't manage his time very well at all.
Any thoughts?

OP posts:

category12 · 07/08/2021 09:05

I feel like you're acting like his mum a bit.

It's really up to him - presumably he can come back earlier if he thinks he needs to.

As long as he is fully aware of when he's supposed to leave for the trip with the kids and doesn't have a history of letting them down, just take a step back and stop mummying him.

category12 · 07/08/2021 09:07

I mean christ, he's a full grown man, he can make that sort of decision about overtiring himself by himself. He's not a toddler.

Original poster

Wobbleroo · 07/08/2021 09:13

I can see why my post comes across that way, that I'm mummying him. He's crap when he's tired and had little sleep, but refuses to admit it. His concentration is awful and I worry about road safety as he'll speed completely unaware that he's doing so as he'll zone out in a daze when he's had little sleep.

I agree, even in this post, I sound like I'm mummying him. But, it's just the truth of our situation and living with and observing him for years.

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/08/2021 09:14

Surely part of the joy of being an adult is that you get to make your own decisions and sometimes that includes making decisions at the last minute. This seems like such a non-issue, he can make his own mind up about whether he’ll be tired or not the next day.

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/08/2021 09:16

If he’s that bad a driver then your issue is that you need to report him to the police and the DVLA. It sounds like a bad night’s sleep could turn him into a dangerous driver, his last minute planning is irrelevant.

RandomMess · 07/08/2021 09:16

If you are genuinely concerned about his safety driving on little sleep then tell him that.

You need to put up a shared calendar a physical one and refer his "requests" to the calendar. "Well what else is booked in on the calendar".

category12 · 07/08/2021 09:17

OK, so that's the dynamic of your relationship.

You do run the risk that unless it's a dynamic that he enjoys, he'll eventually declare you controlling and leave you.

WimpoleHat · 07/08/2021 09:20

You’re clearly a planner and he’s a last minute sort of person. And I think that you both have to accept that about the other. So, yes, you are being a bit unreasonable in that you are expecting him to “plan things in” as you do. Imagine it were the other way round - you ask if you can plan to have a night away with Sarah in September. And his response is “Who knows what will be happening in September? Wait and see if it’s convenient the day before”. You’d be spitting. I think that you just have to accept that he’s different and try to accommodate him.

Karwomannghia · 07/08/2021 09:23

Asking you puts you in the position of being his conscience and organiser which means it gets to be your fault when he’s left things too late. I can totally see how that’s developed and as mothers we often end up doing this as we are usually our children’s conscience and organisers. However it hurts and annoys more when a grown adult then turns it round to make it you being a meanie! So make the arrangements you make in writing somewhere obvious and when he tells you a plan ask him to write it there too, so when it comes to asking you about something last minute, say check the calendar and leave it to him. It will take a while to get used to and he’ll probably double book himself but longer term it’ll stop being your fault, you can blame the calendar!

Apeirogon · 07/08/2021 09:31

Is there any other solution, eg his parents doing the driving tomorrow? Or him doing this activity next weekend? Rather than just saying no, try to make it work. Then he can see you're not just stopping him for the sake of it.

Nextchapterofmybook · 07/08/2021 10:11

There has to be consequences for his actions. If you are sloppy and unorganised then that means you miss out. Lesson learnt. He’s funnelling his ‘anger’ at you but he needs to be angry at himself

SStopRaisingHim · 07/08/2021 10:25

I recommend a joint calendar.

It does sound like a parent/child relationship especially him asking for permission or at best you’re his PA.

Liveandforget · 07/08/2021 10:34

I don't understand why posters are accusing op of mummying her dh. Surely as a parent he is not in a position to slope off for last minute days out with friends, as that would make op the default parent? That sort of thing has to be discussed and planned for in advance where there are young dc involved.

And would anyone allow their dc to be driven around by a sleep deprived parent who is known to not cope well in those circumstances?

category12 · 07/08/2021 11:05

It's mummying because she's taking the responsibility for whether he should go and he's asking permission like a child. It's a convenient dynamic for him but one that he will likely grow to resent, and likely OP too, for being pushed into being the sensible "killjoy" all the time.

I think there's room for flexibility in family life occasionally, as long as it's respectful and goes both ways.

He's a full grown adult man - he should be capable of deciding whether he'd be too tired to drive the next day.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 07/08/2021 12:11

Surely as a parent he is not in a position to slope off for last minute days out with friends, as that would make op the default parent? That sort of thing has to be discussed and planned for in advance where there are young dc involved.

I know plenty of people who do - they just plan that the kids might have to go.

I like to be spontaneous, I don’t plan everything in advance. I wouldn’t see a problem with going out tonight, I’d trust myself to get myself home in a decent condition to do what I need to do tomorrow, too.

If he can’t do that, it’s a much bigger problem than him making last minute plans. You’re basically saying he can’t take responsibility for himself, and that he’d put his children in danger as a result… and those are hefty problems.

Apeirogon · 07/08/2021 12:50

But @Liveandforget to be fair the OP is having a day out tomorrow (including overnight) and he is being the 'default parent' then.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 07/08/2021 12:52

does he have ADHD?

Takenoprisoner · 07/08/2021 13:02

@Apeirogon

Op says her day out was planned a month ago, so dh is looking after dc that day. Default parent is when one parent is assumed to be around to look after dc without prior discussion, on a day where both parents aren't at work etc. So both should be around, however one goes off on a last minute day out assuming the other parent will be at home.

Opentooffers · 07/08/2021 13:08

So as he is an adult, it's his decision whether to chose or the other or do both. If he decides on both and fails, that is his problem to sort out, reflect upon, and do things differently next time. This is how we all learn, by managing him you actually stifle his learning.
Did he tell you he was doing something today? Ask if it was ok? Or ask for your opinion?
I think the correct response would be, it's doable in theory and it's up to you to decide how to proceed. Too much deciding for him or offering up opinion is not going to help future growth and keep him reliant on you and breed resentment in the future.

girlmom21 · 07/08/2021 13:37

So he's doing an activity all day with the kids tomorrow while you're out but he's not allowed to do something for himself today because you're worried about him being tired?

Let him do what he wants...

WhereHasMyMojoGone · 07/08/2021 14:01

@girlmom21

So he's doing an activity all day with the kids tomorrow while you're out but he's not allowed to do something for himself today because you're worried about him being tired?

Let him do what he wants...

This.

You can't tell him what he can and can't do.

Catlover1970 · 08/08/2021 00:35

Life is all about a bit of spontaneity even when you have kids. Too much planning and scheduling sucks the fun out of life. He needs to man up and you need to stop repressing him

Alcesalces · 08/08/2021 05:54

So many people unconcerned about being tired and driving. I would not be happy about the trip there but the trip back after a day at the theme park would have me very worried. Being spontaneous is fine but doing something you know is dangerous is just bloody stupid.

In PILs position I'd also be annoyed if they have planned a pleasant day out with their son and grandchildren and they find he's less pleasant to be with because he's so tired.

Wallywobbles · 08/08/2021 06:08

Do you have a shared diary. If not set one up and then leave him to it.

When he asks just say look in the diary. I'm not here but you need to work out if your plans possible.

Gladioli23 · 08/08/2021 06:31

I'd be very twitchy about someone who is badly impacted by lack of sleep driving my children for several hours after a very late night.

I'd feel frustrated that he couldn't see that (unless he can and e.g. it's actually particularly an issue when he's been drinking and he's not planning to drink) and that because it related to safety I couldn't really leave him to make his own errors. Is he really that dangerous after a bad night's sleep? Could he leave his event a little early so he can sleep better, and/or leave a little later?

Definitely agree you need a calendar.

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