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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

treated like an object by DH

33 replies

acatcalledsally · 07/08/2021 06:02

Fuming at DH and wondering if I am overreacting? He works where he is dealing with the public in a place I go for leisure purposes (and have done before he was working there). Today I am going to be there swimming and was also going to say hello when I was there. He blatantly said that he didn't want the people he is working with to me me looking like I did after swimming and that he likes to "show me off" not have people seeing me all bedraggled. He then tried to back track a bit and say he is at work and needs to concentrate and be professional. To put this last comment into context about 2 months ago I was at his place of work and saw him with a colleague. I was polite but didn't make a fuss, talk for long or kiss him etc. On that occasion he tore strips off me later in the day for being "off" with him. When I said he was at work, surely he didn't want me to kiss him as etc he said he didn't give a toss about that, wanted the attention (and again made a comment about wanting to show me off) - on this occasion clearly my looks met with his approval! He tells me I am beautiful a lot but it is always on his terms and little controlling ways about how I look - for example telling me my hair needs washing (and will say it like "are you going to shower before you go out - your hair needs washing) or "why are you wearing that, it makes you look frumpy/fat/etc - why don't you wear xyz you look really nice in that. I am not someone who dresses up to the nines everyday but equally I am clean and well presented. I know people want their partners to look nice but I think he oversteps the mark into controlling and I am so cross about his comment last night that I haven't slept well thinking about it. We have been together 26 years with 2 teenage daughters, and this thing about how I look has really been going on for several years now and is really getting me down.

OP posts:

frozendaisy · 07/08/2021 06:16

I would roll my eyes and say "geezz going for a swim shouldn't be this hard"
As for the other comments I would try oh shush, everytime until he stopped or tell him you intend to always do the opposite until he stops because you are not a Barbie doll.

seensome · 07/08/2021 06:20

I'm not surprised you're feeling down, how do you respond to his comments?
My advice would probably be the beginning of the end but I would confidently say, I'm happy with how I'm dressed/presented today if you don't agree that's your problem, tell him to put the time and effort into his own appearance rather than criticising you.
He does sound like an awful shallow man, you could do much better than stand for being treated like this and just because it's been a long time it doesn't mean you need to stay with him and put up with it.

Weenurse · 07/08/2021 06:20

Some people are very concerned with how things and people look.
I think that reflects on them and their self confidence and not you.
Is he insecure? Is there something in his up bringing that has led to this?
I would just acknowledge him if I see him, but not seek him out or change my behaviour.
This is said by a woman who lives in track daks and whose DH used to be very superficial about looks, but has changed his ways.
Good luck 💐

Longdistance · 07/08/2021 06:21

If my dh commented on the way I dress, or look he’d get a swift ‘fuck off’.
Jeeze, he’s got a massive ego.

EccentricaGalumbits · 07/08/2021 06:21

You're not overreacting, he's a dick.

LampBookPicture · 07/08/2021 06:30

I was really surprised when you mentioned how long you'd been together. I honestly thought you might be young twenties. It's very immature. Has he always been like this? He sounds like an arsehole.

Shoxfordian · 07/08/2021 06:41

He sounds very controlling
Is he like this about other things as well?

GalaxyGirl24 · 07/08/2021 06:52

I'd be quite hurt and upset! Surely after a swim his colleagues aren't expecting you to wade out like a Bond girl!!! He's controlling and needs to be told that you'll look how you want to!

Binnaggy · 07/08/2021 07:00

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

felulageller · 07/08/2021 07:03

Omg I thought you were going to be early 20s!!

He's abusive. What have your DCs seen/heard growing up with an abuser like that?

TheAverageUser · 07/08/2021 07:03

That's hurtful and he seems (as PP have said) very immature with this preoccupation with how he's perceived when he's with you and how you reflect him. It's all just so childish and vacuous.

Is he preoccupied with his own image and looks or particularly yours?

Onlinedilema · 07/08/2021 07:07

Have you tried batting it back to him?
You 're not wearing that shirt are you?
I hope you are not not wearing trainers when we go out?
Why don't you eye your hair, it doesn't suit you grey?
If he questions it say well you do it to me, so stop doing it to me then.

Mix56 · 07/08/2021 07:14

Surely you say, "I am not an object, I will dress in exactly what I want" or "I just got out of the pool, if its a problem I will simply not interact at all when you are at work" or
"Shall I change my name to Barbie?" you can call me Barbs for short
Vile

Guineapigbridge · 07/08/2021 07:16

It's giving me Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner vibes, this story

Whattodoaboutnothing · 07/08/2021 07:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MerryMarigold · 07/08/2021 07:26

When I got to the 26 years you've been together I was . I thought you were a very young couple and he had some growing up to do. I think in the context of 26 years, the comments about washing hair/ wearing clothes are ok. Hopefully you have a level of honesty and intimacy which can handle that. Even the comment about swimming...I assume you know he likes to show you off and that this has been very much a side of your relationship for 26 years that you've maybe enjoyed and pandered to. If you really disliked it, why would you put up with it for that long?

If this is a trait which has recently started with him, that's very odd. If it's only just starting to bother you, why? Does he respect you as a person in other areas such as decision making for the family? Do you feel you can talk to him about problems and he listens? Or have you been an object for 26 years?

I'd seriously think about the context around this and whether it's really true that he treats you like an object. If he does then definitely speak to him about how disrespectful you find it.

JosephineDeBeauharnais · 07/08/2021 07:28

Just tell him that it doesn’t matter what you look like, middle aged women are invisible to all but their nearest and dearest

girlmom21 · 07/08/2021 07:30

Make a massive fuss of saying hello when you see him post-swim

BonesJones · 07/08/2021 07:33

This would be like a red rag to me. I'd be deliberately dressing to piss him off. You don't have to live like this. Who the everholy fuck does he think he is?!! But if you insist on staying with this creep, challenge every. single. comment. But I wouldn't want to stay with someone so shallow and misogynistic tbh.

TheFoundations · 07/08/2021 08:01

Horrible. He must be controlling in other ways too? I can't imagine that someone have this attitude, but only about looks. Being controlling is pervasive in a person's character.

Also, the fact that you're feeling the need to post here to see if it's alright to have your feelings indicates that you're the kind of person who might regularly think 'I'm upset, but it's just me being silly; I shouldn't be upset about this.'

There are no 'shoulds' with feelings. Do you often feel negative things about him but think you shouldn't?

Whatabambam · 07/08/2021 08:20

Is he having an affair at work? I'm just wondering if he only wants to be seen with you when you look good (in his eyes) in case the OW is around. If you didn't look spectacular then he has less competition for the OW's affections. Sorry if it's a curveball but it might be worth considering

CreateACulture · 07/08/2021 09:51

He sounds very superficial. Every time he comments tell him to fuck off. I've been married for 37 years and would not tolerate this at all.

Topseyt · 07/08/2021 10:12

Those remarks would have drawn a very firm "bugger off" from me, and did so back at the beginning of my relationship with DH.

DH pulled this shit once back then Once! Over thirty years ago now and he hasn't done it since. It happened when we were just going to the supermarket and he turned to me saying "Aren't you going to dress up for me?" For which I gave him very short shrift indeed. Told him that if I wanted to go to the supermarket in jeans and a t-shirt then I bloody well would regardless of what anyone else thought.

It is controlling behaviour. Don't allow it. Has he been like this for all of your 26 year marriage?

WallaceinAnderland · 07/08/2021 10:47

I would not want to be married to a man like that. It would make me very unhappy, sorry OP no suggestions other than to consider if you want a lifetime of this.

updownroundandround · 07/08/2021 11:20

Op there's got to be more history about this subject.

If you've only ever been 'allowed' to ''be seen'' in public when you're dolled up to the 9's because he's said so, then you need to say.

If this is a sudden change in him, then I'd actually be thinking he's either having his own 'issues' about how he looks, and is 'projecting' this onto you, or he's having an affair at work and simply doesn't want you near the place. Neither are good.

If he's always been controlling about what you wear and how you look, then maybe you've finally just had enough of that shit ?

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