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Original poster

Why does doing the right thing hurt so much?

43 replies

SerenShine · 06/08/2021 23:48

Hi. I've just broken up with my lover after 4.5 years together and feel so angry and sad.

We met online and live in different parts of the country. Several times my partner has asked me to move to be with him but I haven't felt ready. He asked me to marry him 18 months ago and I told him I'd love to be his wife one day but I didn't want to get married yet.

He took that badly and we went through a rocky patch. During that time he got involved with someone he works with. We finished for a while but I loved him enough and wanted to forgive him.

It hasn't been that easy because they still work together, he line manages her and I've really struggled to be ok with that. He told me he would look for another job. He had a few interviews but no success and then Covid hit. The job hunting has dried up but he put plans in place to create another tier of management between him and her.

He has been so supportive and loving and generous over the past 15 months but I can't let what happened go.

Every time I see him online on WhatsApp I wonder if he's messaging her. He has shown me his phone a few times to reassure me.

This past year has been really tough on us but I've realised how much he means to me. I told him last week that I wanted to be with him and he told me he needed time to decide.

This devastated me. We've had a really distant week from each other.

He's been away with work and I've felt so paranoid and insecure. Because he's been angry with me.he hasn't called or messaged like he usually would and that just made me withdraw.

He's been on WhatsApp loads during the week but has barely messaged me and has taken ages to respond to messages and it's just made me feel so insecure, particularly as he's been staying overnight.

We met today to talk and it was wonderful being together. But as soon as we're apart I turn into this neurotic, needy, paranoid thing and we've ended up arguing via message and I've ended things.

I can't live like this anymore, always worrying about who he's messaging, wondering why he isn't replying to me.

I know he has lots going on with his children (from a previous marriage) and has been supporting them, but I can't be reasonable or logical.

I know I have been a nightmare of a partner. Am I right to end things? I love him so much. But I can't cope with the insecurity of living apart.

I just feel angry. With him over how he's behaved over the past week. With me for not realising how I felt sooner. And now we're over.

Sorry for the life story...

OP posts:
omgthepain · 06/08/2021 23:55

@SerenShine
If you don't want to move in and be nearer him or marry a meter 4 years and he's had relations with someone he line manages (which apart from being very unprofessional) isn't great for you then I'd say there wasn't really much point in you being together in all honesty

It's not going anywhere and it's been making you anxious and unhappy and life is too short to feel like that

I think you've done the right think your have to think of yourself ❤️

Sarahlou63 · 06/08/2021 23:57

Oh you poor lovie - have a hug from me. It's really difficult being logical and reasonable when you've got a million illogical and unreasonable thoughts running through your head. Do bear in mind that he might have those same irrational thoughts running through his own head.

Can I ask why you felt you weren't ready to move in with him?

StrawberryPuff · 06/08/2021 23:57

Walk away from this. And look into attachment styles if you haven’t already.

LtDansleg · 07/08/2021 00:01

It’s been 4 years op, how much longer do you want him to wait?? His life is passing him by. He’s waited nearly half a decade and you’re still not ready to move in with him. He proposed a year and a half ago and you say you want to get married, but not yet. What are you waiting for? He’s patiently waited for you to commit, but you haven’t. It’s time to let him go so he can find someone who wants him, and you can find someone who wants a permanent causal relationship.

Original poster
SerenShine · 07/08/2021 00:01

[quote omgthepain]@SerenShine
If you don't want to move in and be nearer him or marry a meter 4 years and he's had relations with someone he line manages (which apart from being very unprofessional) isn't great for you then I'd say there wasn't really much point in you being together in all honesty

It's not going anywhere and it's been making you anxious and unhappy and life is too short to feel like that

I think you've done the right think your have to think of yourself ❤️[/quote]
@omgthepain thank you.. it's just a bugger when I thought I'd finally made up my mind to be with him

OP posts:
SheABitSpicyToday · 07/08/2021 00:04

Can’t say I blame him tbh. How much longer do you think he could wait??

Original poster
SerenShine · 07/08/2021 00:06

@Sarahlou63

Oh you poor lovie - have a hug from me. It's really difficult being logical and reasonable when you've got a million illogical and unreasonable thoughts running through your head. Do bear in mind that he might have those same irrational thoughts running through his own head.

Can I ask why you felt you weren't ready to move in with him?

@sarahlou63 thank you for the hug, much needed!

I think because we live so far away I wasn't ready to give up all of my security.. I loved him but wanted us to carry on as we were. I suppose that's quite telling perhaps.

It's only over the past two months that I've thought being together, giving it a shot would be a good thing. We're so good when we're together, he makes me feel secure and loved... it just doesn't take long for it to fall apart once we're both back home.

I just feel I can't carry on.. I hate the way I behave when we're apart.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 07/08/2021 00:07

Well he's not the one or you would not be posting all this on here would you?

Sometimes your gut tells you before you even know yourself. Cut him loose and find someone you feel 'right' with.

Original poster
SerenShine · 07/08/2021 00:08

@StrawberryPuff

Walk away from this. And look into attachment styles if you haven’t already.
@StrawberryPuff started looking at them this week after reading a post where I recognised similar behaviour.

I've never been like this with anyone before and I guess it's because I don't trust...

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 07/08/2021 00:08

And I mean this kindly OP x

Original poster
SerenShine · 07/08/2021 00:11

@LtDansleg

It’s been 4 years op, how much longer do you want him to wait?? His life is passing him by. He’s waited nearly half a decade and you’re still not ready to move in with him. He proposed a year and a half ago and you say you want to get married, but not yet. What are you waiting for? He’s patiently waited for you to commit, but you haven’t. It’s time to let him go so he can find someone who wants him, and you can find someone who wants a permanent causal relationship.
@LtDansleg I know it's been 4 years and he has been more patient than I've deserved.

I guess I'm struggling because I've realised I am ready to commit but now he needs to think about it and the past week has been so shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
SerenShine · 07/08/2021 00:13

@SheABitSpicyToday

Can’t say I blame him tbh. How much longer do you think he could wait??
@SheABitSpicyToday I know, he's waited a long time. I guess I'm finding it hard because I told him I was ready (finally) and thought that would make him happy.

It just hurts that it's all gone to shit.

OP posts:
Sarahlou63 · 07/08/2021 00:13

It might be a good idea to figure out why it falls apart, why you don't feel secure and loved when you're at a physical distance yet why you hesitated to move in together (putting aside the practical issues of jobs/housing/family/friends, etc). Can you accept that having asked several times, your partner might also have been left feeling rejected at your refusals and is now needing time to decide?

Original poster
SerenShine · 07/08/2021 00:15

@Anordinarymum

Well he's not the one or you would not be posting all this on here would you?

Sometimes your gut tells you before you even know yourself. Cut him loose and find someone you feel 'right' with.

@Anordinarymum maybe you're right, would I have delayed if he was the one.

I feel like that song send in the clowns.. I've decided he is but it's too late. Sorry, a bit dramatic!

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 07/08/2021 00:19

He's not right for you. You miss the nice things but when you are together the nice things don't happen.

Let it go. It's just not right. If it's like this before you commit and have children what do you think it will be like if you do ?

LtDansleg · 07/08/2021 00:25

I don’t think he’s right for you op. You didn’t really want to be with him for the first 4 years and 3 months, but now he’s starting to move on and see other people, the last 2 months you’ve suddenly decided you do want to be with him. From his point of view he’s probably thinking that you’re getting jealous and having a panic because he’s finally given up on you, and he’s probably right. Would you honestly have finally changed your mind right now if he hadn’t have started seeing someone else? I don’t think you really want to be with him

Savoretti · 07/08/2021 00:36

I think it’s quite telling that when you said you wanted to commit, you assumed he would jump for joy. When he didn’t and asked to think about it, you got grumpy and ended the whole relationship.
It reads like it’s your way or no way…

Also getting angry and ending things over text is not a sign of any healthy relationship-
Sounds very teenage rather than mature adults

uktrippin · 07/08/2021 01:03

You told him you needed time and he gave you years to think about it and then when he needed time you dumped him for not immediately snapping up your offer of commitment?

Sounds fair enough to me. The colleague stuff is a red herring

JustGiveMeGin · 07/08/2021 06:31

Well if guy had kept a woman dangling for years what do you think the advice on here would be? Sometimes you just have to piss or get off the pot Hmm

Erin36 · 07/08/2021 08:42

I don’t understand…surely if you love him then you are going to feel even more anxious now you have broken up. If the being apart makes you anxious, why split your self up even further?

cheeseismydownfall · 07/08/2021 08:47

I think some of these responses are missing a key point. OP, you haven't said why the default position is that you have to be the one to give up everything and move (I assume it is because he has children).

This is a huge imbalance. He just has to shift over in his bed to make room for you, whereas you have to leave friends (and family?) and your job. He is taking no risk whatsoever by asking you to move in with him, you are risking everything. Of course it is easy for him to be generous and supportive when he isn't actually having to lift a finger.

Then he cheated on you with someone from work? (you say it was a 'rocky patch' - this isn't the same as actually splitting up). And NOW he is saying that he needs more time?

Sorry OP but I think he sounds like a selfish tosser.

Sakurami · 07/08/2021 08:56

Well I get that leaving your friends, family, job, security is a huge thing. I mean I have done it for love but in hindsight, really shouldn't.

He can't leave because of his kids.

But it is also not a reason to have an affair. He should have ended it with op before seeing someone else.

Now that you know he has cheated , moving to be with him and giving everything else up is super risky imo.

Original poster
SerenShine · 07/08/2021 09:03

@uktrippin

You told him you needed time and he gave you years to think about it and then when he needed time you dumped him for not immediately snapping up your offer of commitment?

Sounds fair enough to me. The colleague stuff is a red herring

@uktrippin That's not why I ended things.

It hurt that it hadn't made him happy but I had told him he could have as much time as he needed. Of course I recognise that I have kept him waiting for years...

Why do you say it's a red herring?

OP posts:
Original poster
SerenShine · 07/08/2021 09:06

@Erin36

I don’t understand…surely if you love him then you are going to feel even more anxious now you have broken up. If the being apart makes you anxious, why split your self up even further?
@Erin36 I guess I feel the relationship isn't healthy.. I can't control how insecure and neurotic I become when we're apart. And it's not good for either of us. It felt it was the right thing to do.
OP posts:
WunWun · 07/08/2021 09:12

I could understand all this 'how long should he have to wait' comments if he hadn't fucking cheated on her.. ffs! That's hardly the point now, is it?

I don't know how you've behaved badly OP? Cheating on someone will make them paranoid, that's how it works. It sounds like you're well rid, although obviously it feels awful now. It will pass xx