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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why does doing the right thing hurt so much?

43 replies

SerenShine · 06/08/2021 23:48

Hi. I've just broken up with my lover after 4.5 years together and feel so angry and sad.

We met online and live in different parts of the country. Several times my partner has asked me to move to be with him but I haven't felt ready. He asked me to marry him 18 months ago and I told him I'd love to be his wife one day but I didn't want to get married yet.

He took that badly and we went through a rocky patch. During that time he got involved with someone he works with. We finished for a while but I loved him enough and wanted to forgive him.

It hasn't been that easy because they still work together, he line manages her and I've really struggled to be ok with that. He told me he would look for another job. He had a few interviews but no success and then Covid hit. The job hunting has dried up but he put plans in place to create another tier of management between him and her.

He has been so supportive and loving and generous over the past 15 months but I can't let what happened go.

Every time I see him online on WhatsApp I wonder if he's messaging her. He has shown me his phone a few times to reassure me.

This past year has been really tough on us but I've realised how much he means to me. I told him last week that I wanted to be with him and he told me he needed time to decide.

This devastated me. We've had a really distant week from each other.

He's been away with work and I've felt so paranoid and insecure. Because he's been angry with me.he hasn't called or messaged like he usually would and that just made me withdraw.

He's been on WhatsApp loads during the week but has barely messaged me and has taken ages to respond to messages and it's just made me feel so insecure, particularly as he's been staying overnight.

We met today to talk and it was wonderful being together. But as soon as we're apart I turn into this neurotic, needy, paranoid thing and we've ended up arguing via message and I've ended things.

I can't live like this anymore, always worrying about who he's messaging, wondering why he isn't replying to me.

I know he has lots going on with his children (from a previous marriage) and has been supporting them, but I can't be reasonable or logical.

I know I have been a nightmare of a partner. Am I right to end things? I love him so much. But I can't cope with the insecurity of living apart.

I just feel angry. With him over how he's behaved over the past week. With me for not realising how I felt sooner. And now we're over.

Sorry for the life story...

OP posts:

WunWun · 07/08/2021 09:13

Yeah, him cheating on her is a red herring... Fucking hell, some people in here have low standards.

SmileyClare · 07/08/2021 09:26

Yeah you're not neurotic and insecure, you just don't trust him because he cheated on you. It was a mistake to continue at that point. The relationship was damaged and can't be the same.

Of course it hurts but I think you'll very quickly start to enjoy the freedom of not obsessing over his fidelity.

SmileyClare · 07/08/2021 09:40

It's not really clear why he's so angry with you, and has withdrawn, ignored your messages etc? Just because you told him you want to commit or move in together?

I would guess he wants to keep you at arms length, seeing you infrequently and living at other ends of the country. I don't think it's neurotic to suspect he's continuing his affair. That's quite a logical conclusion based on his behaviour.

Usually when a partner is "confused" and doesn't know what they want, someone else is involved.

CornishPastyDownUnder · 07/08/2021 09:47

christ im sorry @SerenShine but im glad for you,i think you had a lucky escape.Talk about excess baggage! This man is totally confused about what he wants yet with a few decisive tactics has you running around like an emotional wreck after him.Sod that.It may hurt for a few weeks-but id take that to the gaslighting&uncertainty which wouldve inevitably followed any kind of deeper commitment or move to co-habit..Leave him to his nights on whatsapp&eorking his way through the staff..you are far more worthy than that

uktrippin · 07/08/2021 09:59

"Yeah, him cheating on her is a red herring... Fucking hell, some people in here have low standards."

calm down, sounds like they were separated and she never said he cheated or if she did I missed it. Either way it doesn't matter, the OP is focusing on that (the red herring) when in actual fact she should focus on the fact she's never wanted to commit until the difficult bit (saying goodbye and parting ways, which is what they should do).

Fucking hell, some people are really quick to read into comments and find things that aren't there.

Original poster

SerenShine · 07/08/2021 10:09

@cheeseismydownfall I would have moved because he has a very senior highly paid job and it would have been easier for me ro find another job. He wants to be accessible to his children but they are all adults and he was happy for us to find somewhere new to live together.

You're right, we hadn't split up when he cheated and since then I've found it hard to be on an even keel and even harder to agree to moving.

He has been really supportive during the past 6 months when I've been having a tough time and during that time I haven't helped by not wanting to talk about a future. Now I've got through that and an ready he has behaved in ways that have made me feel even more insecure. He's not completely at fault...

Thank you for your message, it's made me feel like I'm not being completely unreasonable and unfair.

OP posts:

Original poster

SerenShine · 07/08/2021 10:22

@SmileyClare

It's not really clear why he's so angry with you, and has withdrawn, ignored your messages etc? Just because you told him you want to commit or move in together?

Usually when a partner is "confused" and doesn't know what they want, someone else is involved.

@SmileyClare I was upset after I'd told him I wanted to be with him and got quite a negative reaction. He then went away for a few days and I hadn't known and it just really triggered me so was doubly upset and angry with him for not letting me know and he got angry with me for being so angry and upset. I guess we were both hurting and angry and the week just went downhill.

@WunWun thank you. I guess because I have been so needy and neurotic I feel that's not been fair on him. I have kept him waiting for a long time.

OP posts:

Sarahlou63 · 07/08/2021 10:24

Do you feel lighter having ended the relationship? Or are you regretting it?

If it's the latter then you need to consider counselling to figure out how to move forward. If it's the former then you've made the right decision.

Original poster

SerenShine · 07/08/2021 10:26

@uktrippin

"Yeah, him cheating on her is a red herring... Fucking hell, some people in here have low standards."

Fucking hell, some people are really quick to read into comments and find things that aren't there.

@uktrippin yes he did cheat, no we weren't separated. I did keep him waiting for a long time, I'm not denying that, but it's taken me a long time to try and get over the betrayal which hasn't helped us.

OP posts:

Original poster

SerenShine · 07/08/2021 10:27

@CornishPastyDownUnder thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

SerenShine · 07/08/2021 10:35

@Sarahlou63 I just feel a bit numb right now.. after so long I thought we were going to have a happy ending. I know he has not always felt secure because of my indecisiveness. We had such a perfect day together but I just get paranoid once we're apart and if I see him online when he hasn't messaged me I worry so much. It's pathetic isn't it.

OP posts:

Sarahlou63 · 07/08/2021 10:42

Pathetic is not a good word to use about yourself, but feeling the way you do is not helpful (to either of you) and the danger is that you might get stuck in a rut and carry over the behaviour to your next relationship; if indeed this one is truly over.

Happy to chat with you by PM if you're interested in figuring out this out.

SilverRoe · 07/08/2021 10:53

Thing is you have decided you want him after he went off with someone else. You’re anxious and worried. So how can you tell of you really want him or if it’s not just suddenly he is not available to you anymore? What if he quit his job, or stopped working with this woman and proposed again - would you actually want that if you weren’t so anxious and were secure in how he felt again?

Original poster

SerenShine · 07/08/2021 11:01

@SilverRoe that's a good point. It's been about 18 months since he had his fling... so I don't think it is that.

I think it's more that I've realised that despite our issues I do really love him and because things are so much better together I want to try. I don't think we can carry on as we are.

OP posts:

Fatherliamdeliverance · 07/08/2021 12:27

I was going to comment as cheeseismydownfall did and ask whether the onus was on you to drop everything and move to him. In that case, I don't think you were wrong to feel unsure, especially if his kids are adults therefore no pressing childcare need. Was there ever any discussion of compromise here or was the expectation just that you would be the one to move? I note you said it might have been harder for him to relocate but still, was it discussed? If not really, then I can understand your hesitation and also think he was in the wrong to cheat however long he had waited. He didn't have to wait. He could have said 'enough'.

layladomino · 07/08/2021 13:01

I'm shocked at some of these surprises. He proposed. You said you weren't ready (that's an entirely sensible response if you aren't ready). He then cheated on you. Which shows he wasn't ready for the marriage he was proposing.

To those saying you've kept him waiting for years so what so what do you expect.... you should never feel rushed in to progressing a relationship. Of course he had every right to finish the relationship if he wasn't happy with the speed you were comfortable with, but no. He didn't finish it. He just cheated. Then treats you badly. Then when you say you're ready to progress things he punishes you for some reason.

I wouldn't have been able to get past the cheating to be honest, but he's acting childish now and I think you'd be better off walking away. I think he's playing games and punishing you intentionally.

Original poster

SerenShine · 07/08/2021 13:02

@Fatherliamdeliverance I have to be honest there was a compromise available, we did discuss possible potential places ro live. Of course I never expected him to move completely in the opposite direction of his children and job so it would have definitely meant me leaving.

I know I have been unreasonable. Like you say though he could have decided enough was enough at any point. I'm not ending things because he now needs time but because things between us are so painful when we're apart I just can't carry on.

OP posts:

Original poster

SerenShine · 07/08/2021 13:07

@layladomino thank you. I never thought I'd forgive a person for cheating but I genuinely believe he was in a bad place and reacted in a way because he was hurting. But, it's so much harder to forget, particularly when he still sees her everyday.

I don't mind that he wants to take some time, it hurts, but I understand a little, vut yeah part of me does feel like I'm being punished a bit.

OP posts:

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