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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Jumping in headfirst and regret

56 replies

Intheround123 · 06/08/2021 15:58

I met a man last year and we fell in love and decided to move in make a go of it. He lived about six hours away but was keen to sell and start a new life with me. We spoke of marriage, mortgages and cars and growing old (er) together. It is the first time I have truly fallen in love. It all happened very quickly……too quickly I know see.

Shortly after he sold his property I found out he had lied about his age by 6 years. He said it was due to his fragile ego so after discussions and promises I decided to go forward with it. In hindsight I should have told him to stop the sale. A few weeks ago I started digging around his past (he still had some old flings/girlfriends on his social media). I don’t like digging but it was prompted by a conversation about who I followed and yes, I appreciate this all sounds quite immature. Anyhow, he has assured me I am the love of his life etc but before me there was a decade of relationships (no more than 1 yr to 18 months) with women around 20 years younger than him. I think both that and the age thing have activated my insecurities and I feel myself shutting down. I have tried to discuss this with him but he says they were just ultimately disappointing relationships and it was always meant to be me. I am not so much interested in the women but that it is not a pattern he will return to. I am still 8 yrs younger than him but it just feels different now.

My past also has things I am less than happy to discuss but I would always do it if I felt it would help my partner understand me any hike I got to be where I am at this point in time. I know men can feel exposed etc but he was an open book in the first few months.

Another thing was he said how much he wanted to marry me and to pick a ring but I didn’t feel comfortable sending him links. It felt less than romantic. When it came up again he said let’s pick a date and then it never happens. I think if someone wants something to happen they make it happen. I am just backing away as each day passes.

The issue is I should have taken my time but I got swept up in the romance and he is a good man so I took a chance. I sometimes feel I will sabotage the relationship to stop the anxiety I now have in it. Not sure what there is to say but I feel better having tapped this out.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 06/08/2021 16:11

Sounds a bit fast - how often had you met before he sold his house? How old are you both? What's the rush?

ravenmum · 06/08/2021 16:12

Why didn't he take you to the jeweller's for the ring?

Bananalanacake · 06/08/2021 16:17

Has he moved in with you, is it easy for him to move out if you want him to.

Funnylittlefloozie · 06/08/2021 16:20

Whats your housing situation now? Have you bought together? Does he work? Do YOU work?

To be honest, this doesn't sound like a wonderful relationship. It was founded on lies, he seemed lovely but now you're seeing him for what he really is... just end things and move on. There are 3.5 billion men in the world, this one is rubbish, there are others.

QueenBee52 · 06/08/2021 16:33

Sounds too fast OP..

you are allowed to say he needs to find his own place 🌸

Sampafie · 06/08/2021 16:33

He sounds like he is running away from something TBH.
Something similar happened to a friend of mine, great woman, doing very well in her own right business wise, met a man and he basically uprooted his life and moved in with her then they bought a house together and were married before any of us knew what was going on. He also took her surname. Turns out he had some shady business dealings that were online and linked to his old name and he wanted a fresh start. She had two kids in close sucession with him and we all fear that we are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like he might leave her high and dry and broke and be on to the next woman when he's wrecked her life but we are keeping a close eye on him. It just all seemed so desperate on his part and we should have known he was hiding something. Be careful OP

Dancingsmile · 06/08/2021 16:46

He's moving 6 hours away from where he lives. What about his job ?
Does he have children ?
I would worry someone would throw a life away and move hours away on a whirlwind romance. That's a red flag if nothing else is.

Original poster
Intheround123 · 06/08/2021 17:21

Thanks so much for responses. I really do appreciate this space to be completely honest. His job allows him to live anywhere. He works in a respected profession and is successful. I work full time too and the same for me. I am 49 - him 57 (had told me he was 50 and maintained that one for six months - I found out rather than him telling me). He is lovely and is well loved by his friends (some of whom I have met). He has no children.

The rush was we fell in love and did not want to waste time although no time is wasted when getting to know someone and whether it is right for you. The age thing was a massive red flag and the younger girls/fragile ego.

He just less keen to pin things down (marriage etc) but no need I guess as I let him move in. I continue to pay all bills as they would have remained the same and he covers all food costs. I am starting to resent him. I hand tried to talk and he sort of shuts down.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 06/08/2021 17:45

Ask him to move out 🌸

Bananalanacake · 06/08/2021 17:58

I also think it's very suspicious when a man gives up his whole life to move in with someone he's known less than a year, doesn't he have any friends or hobbies. Hopefully he's not a cocklodger if he's got a good job.

Original poster
Intheround123 · 06/08/2021 18:02

Ha no but I do love that term. He is financially set up and has many interests. He just wanted to go all in with me and us and to be honest had I been able to I would have moved up to his had that been an option but maybe not with such speed.

OP posts:
category12 · 06/08/2021 18:02

He is a cocklodger if he's just paying for groceries.

category12 · 06/08/2021 18:07

He's sold up his place Hmm (are you sure?), he's living with you and paying for nothing but groceries, and he has a good wage?

He can live with you for a couple of years building up a fat savings pot and then move on to the next woman. I bet this is his tried and tested Modus Operandi.

COCKLODGER.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/08/2021 18:11

Sorry, op, but he saw you coming. He is nothing but a con man and you are funding his lifestyle. Please, wake up and throw the cocklodger out.

SilverRoe · 06/08/2021 18:14

But he is a cockfosters. Good wage and isn’t paying his share? Nice set up for him, no wonder he was so keen to move in. How can you respect a man who won’t even contribute fairly?

Bananalanacake · 06/08/2021 18:26

Do you lose your single person discount on your council tax? he should at least cover that. If his previous relationships have lasted less than 18 months it looks like he does the same thing,,, pays abit for food and saves the rest of his income. Did he sell or rent out his other house.

Pokske · 06/08/2021 18:27

Oh dear !
This reminds me of someone I met. He had a respectable job and wanted me to move in with him after a very short time (which I didn't because I have my own property). I soon found out he had lied about his age by 6 years (55 instead of 61) and had a hole string of females in his past.
After a few weeks, he started to want control over me (when I saw my friends, when I read, when I had to get up if was was staying at his, ...) and started strange arguments out of nowhere.
I left.
By accident I came across an article about covert narcissists and my blood ran cold. The article described my experience in detail.
Please look up "covert narcissism". This is a mental state of people, who take advantage of everyone they come across and suck you dry - mentally, physically, emotionally.
Mine was extremely rich, but I took my own food to his because "he was not going to keep me fed".
Do NOT let yourself be abused !

Pokske · 06/08/2021 18:28

"whole" not "hole"

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/08/2021 18:36

Its one thing to never discuss your age at work, but when you are moving in with someone and planning to share your life with them, then its quite a big deal not to let them know that you are only 7-8 years away from retirement. Selling your home and moving six hours away from where you used to live is also quite a big deal to take on so quickly. The two things together would give me pause for thought.

If you are both living there and both using the gas, electricity etc.. then although you say its not increased the bills, he's gone from paying bills to no bills, no rent, no mortgage - just a hefty sum in the bank from his house sale, whilst you pay for all his living costs except food. That doesn't seem like an equal partnership.

How do you benefit? Does he do half the housework?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/08/2021 18:39

If you are both living there and both using the gas, electricity etc.. then although you say its not increased the bills, he's gone from paying bills to no bills, no rent, no mortgage - just a hefty sum in the bank from his house sale, whilst you pay for all his living costs except food. That doesn't seem like an equal partnership.

This. And you now know both that he is a liar and that he has an established pattern of relatively short term relationships with much younger women. It's ok that both of those things have changed how you see him and that you now want out.

Lying about his age by six years for six months is fucking mental.

I wouldn't want to be with a liar, full stop. The previous roundabout of women 20 years younger would give me the ick too.

OrchestraOfWankery · 06/08/2021 18:50

He only pays for food?

Original poster
Intheround123 · 06/08/2021 18:59

Again thank you so much for your responses.

It all happened so quickly that I just thought if he paid for food and the difference in council tax that would be fair as my household bills did not change and they haven’t to be fair but it just feels like his interest in looking at properties and getting wed has eased off. I didn’t even want that stuff until he kept going on about it. He has even suggested paying off my mortgage but he has a habit of saying things and then nothing is followed up. I know it sounds weird but it is just a feeling I have. He is absolutely lovely but something is off.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 06/08/2021 19:07

He is absolutely lovely but something is off.

If you feel that way then something is definitely off. Don't ignore your instincts, ffs.

Sampafie · 06/08/2021 19:07

OP I understand you probably feel trapped to a certain extent because you now live with him, but you need to trust your gut
Im not one of those Lose The Bastard touters, but your sixth sense is telling you something.
He is absolutely lovely but something is off.

Something isnt right and you cant put your finger on it. We as women are often taught to give people the benefit of the doubt when we feel something is off about them from the get-go. Please dont make that mistake. Take some time apart maybe go to a friends for a few days or tell him youre visiting a relative and go to a hotel and SORT YOURSELF OUT. You need to figure out what it is thats giving you that tingly feeling. Its manifesting in him not keeping his word or future faking as they call it, but theres an underlying character issue thats driving that behavior and you need to figure out what it is. You are NOT married to him and its not too late to tell him you need to put the brakes on this. Im worried for you. Please be safe Flowers

SarahBellam · 06/08/2021 19:13

It sounds like you have the ick, and I don’t blame you. Have you googled him beyond looking at his FB profile? Does he do what he says he does? Is the house he says he sold listed in the Land Registry? If he has a limited company is he listed in Companies House?