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Original poster

Jumping in headfirst and regret

56 replies

Intheround123 · 06/08/2021 15:58

I met a man last year and we fell in love and decided to move in make a go of it. He lived about six hours away but was keen to sell and start a new life with me. We spoke of marriage, mortgages and cars and growing old (er) together. It is the first time I have truly fallen in love. It all happened very quickly……too quickly I know see.

Shortly after he sold his property I found out he had lied about his age by 6 years. He said it was due to his fragile ego so after discussions and promises I decided to go forward with it. In hindsight I should have told him to stop the sale. A few weeks ago I started digging around his past (he still had some old flings/girlfriends on his social media). I don’t like digging but it was prompted by a conversation about who I followed and yes, I appreciate this all sounds quite immature. Anyhow, he has assured me I am the love of his life etc but before me there was a decade of relationships (no more than 1 yr to 18 months) with women around 20 years younger than him. I think both that and the age thing have activated my insecurities and I feel myself shutting down. I have tried to discuss this with him but he says they were just ultimately disappointing relationships and it was always meant to be me. I am not so much interested in the women but that it is not a pattern he will return to. I am still 8 yrs younger than him but it just feels different now.

My past also has things I am less than happy to discuss but I would always do it if I felt it would help my partner understand me any hike I got to be where I am at this point in time. I know men can feel exposed etc but he was an open book in the first few months.

Another thing was he said how much he wanted to marry me and to pick a ring but I didn’t feel comfortable sending him links. It felt less than romantic. When it came up again he said let’s pick a date and then it never happens. I think if someone wants something to happen they make it happen. I am just backing away as each day passes.

The issue is I should have taken my time but I got swept up in the romance and he is a good man so I took a chance. I sometimes feel I will sabotage the relationship to stop the anxiety I now have in it. Not sure what there is to say but I feel better having tapped this out.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/08/2021 19:14

He is absolutely lovely but something is off.

While I don't think he sounds very lovely, it's worth you also remembering that even if someone IS lovely, you can still have the feeling something is 'off' and that 'off' feeling simply be that they aren't right for you.

For whatever reason. You don't need to justify it or have it meet an official threshold. Sometimes, we go all in too quickly before we know someone and as we get to know them we simply realise they aren't someone we want to be with long term.

That's ok. It's not mean, it's not nasty, it's not cruel. We are trained as women to people please and it's absolute madness when you really step back and think about it.

You're uncomfortable and unsure about the relationship. You know he is an accomplished liar because he's done it to your face for six months. You know he has a thing for women 20 years younger to the point he spent a decade dating women that much younger than him. You know he is happy to pay for just food and the difference in council tax rather than putting anything additional in the pot in a meaningful way. You know he's eased off changing that now his feet are under the table...

You know enough to know this isn't a keeper!

category12 · 06/08/2021 19:14

Feet under the table, lining his own pockets while you carry him, proven liar and future-faker. That's what's off with him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/08/2021 19:15

@category12

Feet under the table, lining his own pockets while you carry him, proven liar and future-faker. That's what's off with him.
Bingo.
litterbird · 06/08/2021 19:16

Glad you have come to your senses before marriage, buying houses etc etc. Reading your post made me feel a little queasy. You are right, something is off. Its too fast, it feels like he played you very well, you may have subconsciously wanted all the romance, song and dance of falling in love amazingly fast and you went with it. I would suggest you ask him to move out. Your gut is always correct.

Disneycharacter · 06/08/2021 19:21

ask him to move into rented for a while as you need to take things at a slower pace. say you need to really get to know him. Youve known each other less than a year and are setting up home together? crazy

Shitapillar · 06/08/2021 19:26

Decent nice people don't allow the person they love to pay all the bills. They just don't. Would you if it was the other way around?

Pokske · 06/08/2021 19:30

If you feel something is "off", it is your gut warning you.
I have had this strange feeling as well and began to look out for strange things, at the same time rationalising that he was okay despite a few white lies.
If you get the "off" feeling, please do not ignore it. You will find that your gut feeling, your instinct, was right all along.

Monr0e · 06/08/2021 20:22

"Feet under the table, lining his own pockets while you carry him, proven liar and future-faker. That's what's off with him"

Definitely this. He is taking complete advantage of you for his own benefit, a person who loved you and saw you as a partner would want things to be equal and fair. You are allowed to change your mind. For any reason. Tell him it was too soon, you want your home back and then consider if you actually want to continue dating him if he continues to live local or if this is it for you.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 06/08/2021 20:26

Trust yourself.

Original poster
Intheround123 · 06/08/2021 21:08

He has a very large following on social media due to his profession. He is high profile in his field and has good friends. I keep thinking maybe I have got it wrong. He is so kind but he says lots of words and there is very little action although he has sold his home of 12 years to move in with me. I feel like I am questioning my sanity. The problem is I did not take time.

What is reasonable to ask someone to pay? It does not help that most of his stuff is in boxes - it is like he is trying this on for size and can just up and go when it does not work out. Given I am on full sabotage mode. It won’t.

OP posts:
category12 · 06/08/2021 21:12

Yeah, you're wowed by his popularity, words and big gestures, but where's the substance?

How has he sold his house so quickly? Do you have proof it was his?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/08/2021 21:18

He is so kind but he says lots of words and there is very little action although he has sold his home of 12 years to move in with me

Reframe this. Seriously. He has the HUGE financial benefit of a house sale payout and is now living rent and mortgage free...

Graphista · 06/08/2021 21:45

are you familiar with the concepts of love bombing and future faking op?

Think it might benefit you to learn about them

quizqueen · 06/08/2021 21:56

Any intelligent person with an ounce of sense would have just rented out their house rather than selling up and moving to a completely different area to be with someone they hardly knew. Then you could have shared a house for a while to see how the new relationship went. You should have suggested this to him instead of falling for this forever love at first sight stuff. Now the novelty is wearing off and it sounds like you are seeing the real him. You need to have a frank conversation with him

Journeynotdestination · 06/08/2021 22:19

My ex narc and cocklodger is doing this with his new ‘love of his life’. He was an abusive, lying, cheating user who frequented sex sites and prostitutes. Serial ‘monogamist’ to tens of women. . He’s moved in with her in less than a year. She’s a wealthy widow so no wonder he’s got his foot through the door so fast. Not the same guy is it?

DownTownAbbey · 07/08/2021 06:31

"Feet under the table, lining his own pockets while you carry him, proven liar and future-faker. That's what's off with him"

^ this, and

are you familiar with the concepts of love bombing and future faking op?

^ this

Don't get married, it's not a romantic gesture it's a legal contract that ties people and property. Sounds like he doesn't want to share his own assets so hopefully that's off the table anyway.

Don't let him pay off your mortgage. Your home will become his house.

Never forget that it was his decision to sell his house and move. If it doesn't work out and you want him out you do not have to feel guilty at all. He knows that relationships have a habit of not working out! I'd also be interested in whether he used the same technique on past girlfriends - lie about age, love bomb, future fake etc.

Listen to your guy!

DownTownAbbey · 07/08/2021 06:36

Also he shouts you down when you raise issues that effect you? That's not very lovely, is it?

MyOtherProfile · 07/08/2021 06:42

Trust your instincts.

And you don't want to be with a man you can't talk to about important things, do you?

CornishTiger · 07/08/2021 07:16

Was his house actually his or a rental.

Get yourself on zoopla.

Original poster
Intheround123 · 07/08/2021 09:56

Hi yes he owned the house and is financially better off than me. I have asked him to go away for a few days. He just says he does not know what I want from him. He is shut down and is acting as if I am the one with the issues. He has not understood one thing I have said.

I feel disconnected from him now…….and terribly sad.

OP posts:
AnxiousAndUnraveling · 07/08/2021 10:01

If he was genuine he’d respect your decision. This all seems very odd.

AnxiousAndUnraveling · 07/08/2021 10:02

And of course he’s acting like you’re the one with the issues because he’s not getting the easy ride he thought he would do he’s trying to turn it on you.

HollowTalk · 07/08/2021 10:05

This "successful" man is living rent-free with you and just buys food? And of course he eats (presumably) more than half of that anyway?

You must be INSANE!

Get rid of this lying cocklodger asap.

Original poster
Intheround123 · 07/08/2021 10:41

He asked me prior to moving in to work out what I wanted finance wise. It happened so quickly that I just thought that would be fine until we started looking for our own place. He made it clear he would be happy with whatever I decided. So I have sort of set myself up for disappointment but whatever there are other, non financial issues.

I do feel there has been some love bombing though. It had not really occurred to me before.

OP posts:
category12 · 07/08/2021 10:45

He asked me prior to moving in to work out what I wanted finance wise. It happened so quickly that I just thought that would be fine until we started looking for our own place. He made it clear he would be happy with whatever I decided

Yes, but any decent man would take some responsibility here and go "oh hang on love, that doesn't seem very balanced or fair on you". He's not an innocent lamb who doesn't know what things cost - he apparently had his own house and paid his own bills beforehand.