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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP- can't work him out, need help to understand.

41 replies

Clouds88 · 06/08/2021 13:39

This is just one example. My bil is poorly and I'm telling DP the latest and how he's not good. Anyway, at the end of the conversation I said "I wonder if niece would ike to come this afternoon to bowling with us" I'm thinking it would give them some resbite. DH then says really loudly "why don't you ask niece? How would I know if niece wants to come? Why don't you ask her" I then said I was just saying it as I wasn't sure if it was OK with you. He then started ranting "well, why didn't you just say to me, can I ask niece today? I'm fed up of trying to second guess everything, I've had it all day with people at work too"

I'm so confused...I'm so upset at what I actually did wrong. I was almost thinking out loud when I said I wonder if niece wants to come.

Is it me? 🤔

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 06/08/2021 13:51

I'm confused as to why you would think you were the one eith the issue here.

Has he form for being a total dickhead like this? Have you form for wondering if it's because you've done something wrong?

He sounds like a nasty person.
And you are not to blame for someone elsesnasty character.

It might be time to ask yourself whether or not this relationship is healthy. Because if someone is treating you like shit and yet, you're the one wondering if you've done something wrong..
..that points towards you potentially being in an abusive relationship.

LtDansleg · 06/08/2021 13:52

It sounds like he’s had a shitty day op, not that he should be taking it out on you. Does this happen often?

Umberellatheweatha · 06/08/2021 13:55
  • I should note that if this is a one off, he may just be having a bad day.

But the fact that you're so quick to wonder if you're to blame in some way for someone else being a complete dick...suggests to me that this might be part of a pattern.

Wellies54 · 06/08/2021 14:11

Does he always take what is said very literally? If he always understands language literally it must be frustrating for him trying to figure out what people mean which may explain the snappiness. However, also frustrating for you. Maybe a conversation about this would lead to greater understanding for both of you. I say this because I have several autistic family members who are very literal and can often be very pedantic about what I say. I just have to let it go if this happens and try to be as clear as possible.

LavenderAskew · 06/08/2021 14:47

What are you confused about you asked question and expected an answer to a different question.

Don't think your husband finding being asked a different question to the one you expected the answer to makes he a "nasty man"?

If it's unusually for him then it's just a bad day, maybe his day was full of people being unclear and indirect in their information and question. Yours was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I wouldn't dwell on it.

WhereHasMyMojoGone · 06/08/2021 14:54

It sounds like he's had a tough day.

Whilst that doesn't mean it's OK to shout at you, I know that, when I've had a mentally draining/cognitively overwhelming day, I find otndofficutp to soft through what someone has said to find out what they actually mean.

He is right, "do you think niece would.like to come out with us?" Is a different question to, "Do you mind if I invite niece.out with us?"

I find it quite irritating when people ask a different question to the one they want the answer to precisely because they're not happy with the answer they get.

And, if I'm already feeling low on mental energy...

It's OK for someone to be irritated or frustrated if you do something irritating or frustrating (like asking one question but, for some reason, expect the answer to another).

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 06/08/2021 15:06

I, too, think that
'Is it OK with you if DNiece comes with us?' and
'I wonder if DNiece would like to come with us?' are two separate and different types of questions.
And trying to figure out what the hidden / real question is, is exhausting - especially if you have to do it all day with all sorts of people. I try to remain calm.

bigbaggyeyes · 06/08/2021 15:12

Sounds like he's spoiling for an argument. What a ridiculous thing for him to get so animated about

WhereHasMyMojoGone · 06/08/2021 15:13

@bigbaggyeyes

Sounds like he's spoiling for an argument. What a ridiculous thing for him to get so animated about
It depends if the OP has a habit of asking a different question to the one she wants an answer to. That's really annoying!
Original poster
Clouds88 · 06/08/2021 21:01

@Wellies54

Does he always take what is said very literally? If he always understands language literally it must be frustrating for him trying to figure out what people mean which may explain the snappiness. However, also frustrating for you. Maybe a conversation about this would lead to greater understanding for both of you. I say this because I have several autistic family members who are very literal and can often be very pedantic about what I say. I just have to let it go if this happens and try to be as clear as possible.
Yes we often have these conversations where he doesn't understand what I'm trying to say and takes it out of context.
OP posts:
Original poster
Clouds88 · 06/08/2021 21:03

Well, he did apologise later on, he has had 4am starts all week so he is really tired. However this isn't the first time he gets snappy over things like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clouds88 · 06/08/2021 21:05

@Prokupatuscrakedatus

I, too, think that 'Is it OK with you if DNiece comes with us?' and 'I wonder if DNiece would like to come with us?' are two separate and different types of questions. And trying to figure out what the hidden / real question is, is exhausting - especially if you have to do it all day with all sorts of people. I try to remain calm.
Yes, this is what he constantly gets annoyed by. I know that he likes to know what is happening so that's why I wanted to put it past him.
OP posts:
Original poster
Clouds88 · 06/08/2021 21:07

To me though, me saying "I wonder if niece would to come" warrants an answer a long the lines of "that would be nice, do you want to ask if she would like to?" End of conversation and no argument!! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Clouds88 · 06/08/2021 21:11

I don't think I'm in an abusive relationship - he is generous, hard working, has never lifted a finger to me, doesn't control me at all he just seems to get very moody and agitated by a lot of things I say?

OP posts:
Original poster
Clouds88 · 06/08/2021 21:12

@Umberellatheweatha

* I should note that if this is a one off, he may just be having a bad day.

But the fact that you're so quick to wonder if you're to blame in some way for someone else being a complete dick...suggests to me that this might be part of a pattern.

It's not a one off. That type of conversation happens often :-( maybe I just irritate him
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/08/2021 21:21

Someone can be a moody prick without being an abuser. And it would be ok not to want to be with a moody prick!

I would hate to live life thinking like I was always annoying my partner, it's a horrible way to live self esteem wise and must be impacting your confidence. That's not what love looks like.

couchparsnip · 06/08/2021 21:24

He does sound like he prefers literal questions.
My DH is a bit like this too, he needs an actual question he can answer. With others I can say things like "I wonder if so and so would like us to visit" or "What's there to do in Liverpool" and a discussion would start.
If I did that with DH he'll just say "I don't know" in a "why are you asking me?" kind of way instead of carrying on the conversation.
If I ask questions he can answer like "Is it OK if we visit so and so next week?" or "Can you help me research things to do in Liverpool" then it works better.
It can get frustrating when I forget and treat him like a normal personSmile.
I suspect ASD but he's never gone for a diagnosis. Maybe your DP is similar?
On the other hand they could both just be dickheadsSmile

quizqueen · 06/08/2021 21:31

If he gets agitated all the time by what you say, maybe you speak in an annoying manner. It's hard to tell if he's the one at fault as we only have your side of the story.

Original poster
Clouds88 · 06/08/2021 21:43

@quizqueen

If he gets agitated all the time by what you say, maybe you speak in an annoying manner. It's hard to tell if he's the one at fault as we only have your side of the story.
Well today all I said was "I wonder if niece would like to come" I didn't say anything else, not sure how that in itself can be so annoying Confused
OP posts:
Original poster
Clouds88 · 06/08/2021 21:45

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Someone can be a moody prick without being an abuser. And it would be ok not to want to be with a moody prick!

I would hate to live life thinking like I was always annoying my partner, it's a horrible way to live self esteem wise and must be impacting your confidence. That's not what love looks like.

He's definitely moody. Always about things I don't do right like putting the cord around the hoover wrong, loading dishwasher wrong. He tells me he gets frustrated as there is only one way to do things right. He says I don't listen to him when he tells me how to do things.
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/08/2021 21:51

He says I don't listen to him when he tells me how to do things.

More than a whiff of misogyny about this! If only these pesky women would listen to men about how to cook and clean! Simultaneously thinking you should do those things 'right' because you're a woman and thinking you should listen to his instructions because he's a man. Yuck.

He sounds like he's eroding your confidence and makes you feel unloved. Is that an accurate assessment?

If so, is any relationship worth that?

JulesCobb · 06/08/2021 21:56

he just seems to get very moody and agitated by a lot of things I say?

He says I don't listen to him when he tells me how to do things

I wouldnt be marrying him or having kids with him. Id be looking to leave as i couldnt live like this.

EKGEMS · 06/08/2021 22:01

Seriously?!! He'd be doing the vacuuming, loading and unloading all the fucking dishes if he dared to critique me! He speaks like an asshole to you, is moody, he thinks he's a domestic god and you work for him? Fuck that-in my experience this insanity escalates until you're ground down into a shadow of your former self

Original poster
Clouds88 · 06/08/2021 22:03

I'm not very practical so I get that's irritating.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clouds88 · 06/08/2021 22:04

@EKGEMS

Seriously?!! He'd be doing the vacuuming, loading and unloading all the fucking dishes if he dared to critique me! He speaks like an asshole to you, is moody, he thinks he's a domestic god and you work for him? Fuck that-in my experience this insanity escalates until you're ground down into a shadow of your former self
He does do his fair share!! He doesn't make me do it all..when I do it, I often don't do it right.
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