DP- can't work him out, need help to understand.

[Clouds88]

This is just one example. My bil is poorly and I'm telling DP the latest and how he's not good. Anyway, at the end of the conversation I said "I wonder if niece would ike to come this afternoon to bowling with us" I'm thinking it would give them some resbite. DH then says really loudly "why don't you ask niece? How would I know if niece wants to come? Why don't you ask her" I then said I was just saying it as I wasn't sure if it was OK with you. He then started ranting "well, why didn't you just say to me, can I ask niece today? I'm fed up of trying to second guess everything, I've had it all day with people at work too"

I'm so confused...I'm so upset at what I actually did wrong. I was almost thinking out loud when I said I wonder if niece wants to come.

Is it me? 🤔

@Clouds88

I'm not very practical so I get that's irritating.

Not being practical should not be irritating him as much as it is. And there's usually way more than one way to do things. That does sound a little bit controlling tbh.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

He says I don't listen to him when he tells me how to do things.

More than a whiff of misogyny about this! If only these pesky women would listen to men about how to cook and clean! Simultaneously thinking you should do those things 'right' because you're a woman and thinking you should listen to his instructions because he's a man. Yuck.

He sounds like he's eroding your confidence and makes you feel unloved. Is that an accurate assessment?

If so, is any relationship worth that?

No, that's definitely not it. He's annoyed with anyone who doesn't do something in the way it should be done. There is only one way to stack a dishwasher, or if you don't do something a certain way then something won't work efficiently etc..

What do you mean you don't do it right?

Do you damage things or leave things in a mess?

Or is it fine what you do, it's just not the way he would do it?

Well he's wrong there for a start.

I stack the dishwasher differently to my husband. He thinks he is right. I think I am. Both ways are adequate. Both ways I additionally mean things need to be rewashed but most if the time everything comes out fine.

I am sure if I asked friends and family they would all have their own ideas about how best to load a dishwasher.

I don't watch him load the dishwasher and he doesn't watch me load the dishwasher and no one is any the wiser 😊

Unless you are loading the dishwasher such that it breaks it or NOTHING is getting clean, he's being completely unreasonable and overly critical.

*occasionally not additionally!!

@RavingAnnie

What do you mean you don't do it right?

Do you damage things or leave things in a mess?

Or is it fine what you do, it's just not the way he would do it?

Well, I guess there are certain ways things should be done so they work right, so I will take a bit of blame on that front and I do have a habit of leaving lights on and things like that

He has apologised now and says he's just so exhausted from work and the stress of it. Think it was the straw that broke the camels back. I'm going to try and be more direct and see if that helps. Thanks everyone xx

There is only one way to stack a dishwasher, or if you don't do something a certain way then something won't work efficiently etc

Except that's not true, is it?

Because plenty of us in relationships stack the dishwasher / do the hoovering / clean the bathroom in different ways to the other and the results are perfectly acceptable.

He sounds like a bully.

As I asked, does his approach and communication style make you feel anxious? Is it eroding your confidence?

If yes, is a relationship worth that?

@Clouds88

To me though, me saying "I wonder if niece would to come" warrants an answer a long the lines of "that would be nice, do you want to ask if she would like to?" End of conversation and no argument!!

This is telling to me. I wouldn't want to have to jump through this hoop of what I should say either. Instead of just saying you want her to come or asking if he minds, you tried to bait him into asking you if you want to invite her. I would find that really annoying. Just cut to the chase.

My mum does this. She will say things like "I wonder if such and such..." but it's really meant as a subtle hint. I've learned to read the subtext which really means "is it ok if..." or "how about we ask so and so if...." and because I'm so used to grasping the subtext, I actually saw nothing wrong with what you said. Your partner's reply would have pissed me off. It was obvious what you meant so why do you have to be so direct?

Glad he has apologised now.

I have sympathy with him here. It’s annoying to have to figure out what question you’re being asked and it’s annoying when other people don’t do household things things right. But it sounds like you can figure it out between you. Maybe just try to do things his way if it matters to him.

@Clouds88

I'm not very practical so I get that's irritating.

Is he like this with other people OP? That's what you have to ask yourself. Is he like this with family and people at work, or is it reserved for just you?

The meaning was obviously, we're going bowling. Might be nice for niece to come given having bad time. However it is a change of her plan. Shall we invite her or would you prefer to keep it as original plan?

Your phrasing was totally standard.

The dishwasher and hoover stuff he's being a dick. If it bothers him that much he can do it and you can do some that he does that doesn't have a 'correct' and only way.

He works. Unless he never ever has to communicate with anyone else then I'm sure he is suddenly able to understand perfectly standard use of language. If his job involves any kind of space shared with others- office, factory floor, retail, etc etc then I am also sure he doesn't kick off about things not being done his way

He's being mean to you OP. Whether as PPs have said he's tired and taking it out on you, or he's just being a sod.

DH just finished 7 days of earlies up at 445. Gets v tired. He has a nap, lumps around. He doesn't do anything like this.

The amount of oh he's tired/ bad day at work always surprised me. You're tired/ bad mood... Don't take it out on your family. It's shitty.

I'm more concerned that he's convinced you that his way of doing things is always 'right' and other peoples / yours is therefore wrong if it's different. That's ridiculous! There's more than one way of doing most things, and if you disagree who says he's always right??

My DD has very fixed views of how to stack the dishwasher - and to be fair she does have a knack for very efficient stacking. But she doesn't criticise how I do it - and if she did I'd stop and tell her to finish the job off herself.

Mr DH and I have different ways of doing certain jobs, but we keep our noses out when the other one is doing it.

Your DH needs to understand that he doesn't have the final say on how things are done in your house.

Instead of just saying you want her to come or asking if he minds, you tried to bait him into asking you if you want to invite her.

Jesus Christ. Have you never started a sentence with ‘I wonder…’? When did people get so boring and simple?

If you like someone, you pick up the conversation thread and go with it.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Someone can be a moody prick without being an abuser. And it would be ok not to want to be with a moody prick!

I would hate to live life thinking like I was always annoying my partner, it's a horrible way to live self esteem wise and must be impacting your confidence. That's not what love looks like.

This.

If he is roaring at you regularly then you are in an awful situation and you should wonder why you would want to be with someone who clearly dislikes and needs to be a rude prick to regularly.

Sounds awful.