When is it the right time?

[Kiwiholmes]

So I messed up due to being insecure and I never had the chance to explain so I’ve written a letter to my ex but the last message I received from him was that he never wanted to hear from me again :(
I however don’t want to walk away with out saying what I have to say because we’ve not been able to sit down and talk a out what happened. The problem I face is I just don’t know when the right time to send this message? Am I doing the right thing? I just miss him so much 😞

I just want to say I’m so sorry for what I did I’m not sure I will ever forgive myself for my actions. I never intended it to hurt or upset anyone I did what I did because I was worried that things were too good to be true. We’ve both been through hurt and bad past experiences when it comes to relationships and I would never want to put someone through what I’ve experienced.

This all purely stemmed from when I came back from yours last and went to delete my app for good, I noticed your tinder location had moved. I started to worry that Id found myself completely invested in us and because of how strong my feelings were I got scared and questioned myself what if he doesn’t feel the same. My heart sank as I was so wrapped up in us I thought my world was going to be turned upside down once again. That was the trigger for what I did. There was no other motive or reason other than I thought you were still active and I hadn’t been shortly after we met. It was completely wrong of me for doing that and instead I should have just spoken to you and communicated my thoughts. There was never anything more in it I never communicated with anyone on it and never intended to, it never even crossed my mind. I had no need or want to because I was truly in love and unbelievably happy and scared to loose that again, because I never imagined it would happen the first time it did. My biggest insecurity came from us not being an ‘official us’ as silly as it sounds because I was ready to take that step and looking forward to seeing where life took us as partners in crime (not literally). I wanted to have that conversation with you on Saturday to put my mind at ease over what I thought would have been an evening we’d never forget. But I chose completely the wrong way to go about it. I’m sorry for contacting your friends and family. I made a fool of myself and lost everything in the process.

I can honestly say I fell for you very early on. You never failed to put a smile on my face every single day. And the night of the wedding was truly special, I couldn’t have been more in love with you. I hope with all my heart this isn’t the end for us but just a blip that we can work to overcome this together with time.
I enjoyed every single moment we spent together from paddle boarding in the docks to raking the stone out on your drive there was never a moment I wasn’t happy. I started and ended each day no matter what went on with a smile because you made me smile. Even my friends and family noticed Id got my sparkle back. Just being with you made me the happiest girl on the planet. I missed you a lot when we weren’t together but I knew that it wouldn’t be forever. Seeing you on facetime always made me so happy no matter what time of day or where I may have been. But I also looked forward to the day Id be able to say good morning and good night to you next to me every day. I was prepared to stand by and support you no matter what and go through anything life threw at us with you not matter how tough it got. I would always be there. It may be naive of me but all I ever did was care about us and our future, but maybe I cared too much, Id fallen in love. I’m so sorry for what I have done. I completely understand how you feel about my actions. All I can do is hope the love we had for each other is strong enough to get us through this.
Take care of yourself and little P, with all my love x

What have you done exactly?

Please tell me little P isn’t his penis

OMG! That is full on, how long was this unofficial thing? If you send that, you will come across as desperate, and a bit unhinged. I think a long period of being single and counseling will do you some good as you are being way OTT for something that was not even official.

Keep away from OLD, well away, it's not for you.

He's asked you not to contact him. Why do you think your needs are more important than his?

I’m sorry for contacting your friends and family.

Oh dear what did you say to them?

He's specifically asked you not to contact him, I think that if you truly care for him you need to respect his boundaries. If he decides one day to talk to you again, then give him your letter. I think you need to accept what has happened, learn from it and move on.

Do not send it. This will not go the way you are hoping - if anything it would give him more reasons to be wary of getting involved.

Little P is his dog.

I thought he was still active on tinder we'd been seeing each other for around 5 months and so I set up a fake account on my old phone for no other reason but to see if he would pop up and he found it in my draw. I only did it for my piece of mind there was no other motive in it but he completely lost it with me in anger and walked out. That was the last I herd from him other than him sending me a message saying he never wants to hear from me again. In which he initially blocked me on instagram but then unblocked me the next day.

Honestly, what you're wanting to send is scary.
Just leave it.

I rang his mum because I just didn't know what to do Id never seen him react that way and I felt awful id messed up and didn't know what I could possibly do to fix it

Leave him be.

So, he wants you never to contact him again, but you think that the most important thing is to get the timing right about when you contact him again?

He's told you when the right time is: Never.

Why are you asking a forum? Do you think that we will know better than him about what he wants?

You are 100% fully, completely, and comprehensively ignoring his stated feelings. Leave him alone, and work out why walking away is so hard for you.

Are you saying He found an old phone on your drawer? And turned it in and looked at Tinder on it?? And you then contacted his friends and family??

And what are you talking about 'There was never a moment I wasn't happy'?

You set up a fake account to snoop on him.

Love's young dream?

Leave him alone, he’s told you in no uncertain terms that he does not want further contact from you, respect that. Don’t just ignore how he is feeling and what he is saying for the sake of your own feelings.

The night of the wedding?
Do you mean someone else's wedding? I'm so confused

Yes - he told me that night he thought he was falling for but at that point id already completely fallen for him just not said anything because I'm scared of being hurt

That email is terrible. Don't send it.

Aside from being full of cheesy cliches, it doesn't sound like an apology, it sounds like a pity party with you trying to justify your actions.

Don't send it, you'll cringe in a few years time.

For god's sake, just leave him alone.

If I've read your posts correctly, you were only together for five months. Contacting his friends and family is stepping into stalker territory. Actually, all of your actions would be big red flags for me.

Don't send him your message. He doesn't want anything to do with you.

Claw back a little bit of dignity, and maybe work on the issues that have caused you to be so insecure.

If someone asks you to never contact them again, that is what you need to do.

You're asking "when is the right time?" - the answer is never. You've blown it.

A man did something very similar to me years ago and I went from being annoyed at his insecurity to outright detesting him. Like you, he even went as far as contacting my family (who obviously thought he was I need of help) and eventually reported me missing to the police. I wasn't missing.

5 months is no time at all. Stay single until you have worked on your own insecurities instead of rushing back in.

In the nicest possible way you sound too much.

He’s given you a very clear message not to contact him again. If he wanted to contact you he would have done.

Draw a line under it, delete his number and consider counselling.

@Chibbles

That email is terrible. Don't send it.

Aside from being full of cheesy cliches, it doesn't sound like an apology, it sounds like a pity party with you trying to justify your actions.

Don't send it, you'll cringe in a few years time.

This. 100% this.

Agree with everyone else.

And that itnsounds like a pity party and that you're trying to justify what you did.

Just accept that you fucked up and respect his wishes and boundaries. Do not contact him.

If someone sent me that, I'd be concerned tbh that that wasn't going to he the end of it.

All I can do is hope the love we had for each other is strong enough to get us through this.

Esp this bit!

I don't block people. I like to know if someone is trying to contact me so I know how worried to be about their behaviour. It wasn't an invitation to contact him again. He's just keeping am eye on your activity and communication. That's not a positive sign.

As much as anything, his friends and family would think he was insane to give you another chance and they're never going to think highly of you. You need to keep the shreds of dignity you have left and leave him alone.

You rang his mum? How well do you know his mum?

You also said friends and family. Did you you contact someone else?

You thought he might be on tinder, so tried to cat fish him?

He said he doesn't want to hear from you again, so you called his mum. And now thinking about when is a good time to send a long rambling message about why you were so devious and thought ringing his mum was a good idea.

You aren't even being honest. You don't have to even go into tinder to delete the app. You certainly don't need to look at his information. You looked at his tinder for a reason.

Honestly, OP, if he was a friend of mine I would tell him to not engage and and to maybe involve the police if you continued to try and contact him, after he told you to leave him alone. This is isn't ok. Most people would advise, that's the beginning of an abusive relationship.

@WhereHasMyMojoGone

Agree with everyone else.

And that itnsounds like a pity party and that you're trying to justify what you did.

Just accept that you fucked up and respect his wishes and boundaries. Do not contact him.

If someone sent me that, I'd be concerned tbh that that wasn't going to he the end of it.

All I can do is hope the love we had for each other is strong enough to get us through this.

Esp this bit!

I don't block people. I like to know if someone is trying to contact me so I know how worried to be about their behaviour. It wasn't an invitation to contact him again. He's just keeping am eye on your activity and communication. That's not a positive sign.

As much as anything, his friends and family would think he was insane to give you another chance and they're never going to think highly of you. You need to keep the shreds of dignity you have left and leave him alone.

Why would he need to keep an eye on my activity if he doesn't want to hear from me again?