When is it the right time?

[Kiwiholmes]

So I messed up due to being insecure and I never had the chance to explain so I’ve written a letter to my ex but the last message I received from him was that he never wanted to hear from me again :(
I however don’t want to walk away with out saying what I have to say because we’ve not been able to sit down and talk a out what happened. The problem I face is I just don’t know when the right time to send this message? Am I doing the right thing? I just miss him so much 😞

I just want to say I’m so sorry for what I did I’m not sure I will ever forgive myself for my actions. I never intended it to hurt or upset anyone I did what I did because I was worried that things were too good to be true. We’ve both been through hurt and bad past experiences when it comes to relationships and I would never want to put someone through what I’ve experienced.

This all purely stemmed from when I came back from yours last and went to delete my app for good, I noticed your tinder location had moved. I started to worry that Id found myself completely invested in us and because of how strong my feelings were I got scared and questioned myself what if he doesn’t feel the same. My heart sank as I was so wrapped up in us I thought my world was going to be turned upside down once again. That was the trigger for what I did. There was no other motive or reason other than I thought you were still active and I hadn’t been shortly after we met. It was completely wrong of me for doing that and instead I should have just spoken to you and communicated my thoughts. There was never anything more in it I never communicated with anyone on it and never intended to, it never even crossed my mind. I had no need or want to because I was truly in love and unbelievably happy and scared to loose that again, because I never imagined it would happen the first time it did. My biggest insecurity came from us not being an ‘official us’ as silly as it sounds because I was ready to take that step and looking forward to seeing where life took us as partners in crime (not literally). I wanted to have that conversation with you on Saturday to put my mind at ease over what I thought would have been an evening we’d never forget. But I chose completely the wrong way to go about it. I’m sorry for contacting your friends and family. I made a fool of myself and lost everything in the process.

I can honestly say I fell for you very early on. You never failed to put a smile on my face every single day. And the night of the wedding was truly special, I couldn’t have been more in love with you. I hope with all my heart this isn’t the end for us but just a blip that we can work to overcome this together with time.
I enjoyed every single moment we spent together from paddle boarding in the docks to raking the stone out on your drive there was never a moment I wasn’t happy. I started and ended each day no matter what went on with a smile because you made me smile. Even my friends and family noticed Id got my sparkle back. Just being with you made me the happiest girl on the planet. I missed you a lot when we weren’t together but I knew that it wouldn’t be forever. Seeing you on facetime always made me so happy no matter what time of day or where I may have been. But I also looked forward to the day Id be able to say good morning and good night to you next to me every day. I was prepared to stand by and support you no matter what and go through anything life threw at us with you not matter how tough it got. I would always be there. It may be naive of me but all I ever did was care about us and our future, but maybe I cared too much, Id fallen in love. I’m so sorry for what I have done. I completely understand how you feel about my actions. All I can do is hope the love we had for each other is strong enough to get us through this.
Take care of yourself and little P, with all my love x

Why would he need to keep an eye on my activity if he doesn't want to hear from me again?

Because people behaving like you do tend to escalate, if they know you are escalating they can get the police involved quicker.

Better than having you escalating, when they have no clue and then they turn up at your work, or mums or own house.

@Hekatestorch

Why would he need to keep an eye on my activity if he doesn't want to hear from me again?

Because people behaving like you do tend to escalate, if they know you are escalating they can get the police involved quicker.

Better than having you escalating, when they have no clue and then they turn up at your work, or mums or own house.

Yes, exactly this.

You are planning on contacting him with a lengthy email when he has told you not to.

I would like to know whether someone is trying to contact me but can't or whether they are respecting wishes.

Otherwise, they might turn up on my doorstep/place of work/local pub and cause a scene.

@Hekatestorch

You rang his mum? How well do you know his mum?

You also said friends and family. Did you you contact someone else?

You thought he might be on tinder, so tried to cat fish him?

He said he doesn't want to hear from you again, so you called his mum. And now thinking about when is a good time to send a long rambling message about why you were so devious and thought ringing his mum was a good idea.

You aren't even being honest. You don't have to even go into tinder to delete the app. You certainly don't need to look at his information. You looked at his tinder for a reason.

Honestly, OP, if he was a friend of mine I would tell him to not engage and and to maybe involve the police if you continued to try and contact him, after he told you to leave him alone. This is isn't ok. Most people would advise, that's the beginning of an abusive relationship.

I only spoke to his mum. We used to go for lunch together and she would come round for dinner every Sunday I was there. I only rang her after he went into a complete rage because I didn't know what to do. She said that the one side of him id not see was when he gets a bee in his bonnet it takes him a while to settle down. I didn't contact any of his friends I had no need to I can only think he was implying about replying to their instagram stories but I've unfollowed them all and wouldn't have done so. He sent me the message not wanting to hear from me again after I went to pick my stuff up from his the following day in which I didn't speak to him I just asked him to leave it outside the door. It wasn't until later that day I received that message.

In essence, he unblocked you so that he can appropriately safeguard himself and his family should it be necessary.

And they will all end it and sit around saying, "FFS! An actual crazy ex girlfriend!"

Do you want that?

@Hekatestorch

Why would he need to keep an eye on my activity if he doesn't want to hear from me again?

Because people behaving like you do tend to escalate, if they know you are escalating they can get the police involved quicker.

Better than having you escalating, when they have no clue and then they turn up at your work, or mums or own house.

Ohh ok. I would never just turn up he lives around 70 miles from me and I wouldn't want someone to do that to me. If he wanted to see me he knows where to find me.

@Kiwiholmes you need the space. Not for him but for you. You sound way too deep in it and need to unattach yourself from him.

Maybe with time he can think things through and he may realise he misses you. Maybe he wont.

But smothering him wont work op you Need to RESPECT what he asked of you. Especially if you love him as much as you claim to. Dont suffocate him it will only have the opposite effect and push him away.

If you generally cant resist but to send himself I would send him a message along the lines of

"I want to respect what you asked of me so I will no longer contact you, however I want you to know if you ever want to talk I am here." That doesnt impose your feelings onto him in an overbearing way and still let's him know you are there. Then you place the ball in his court and let him come to you.

If he does you want it to be on his behalf anyways otherwise it wount be genuine. No one wants someone to contact them only because they are being hounded or pressured. Leave the poor guy to it and see what happens.

I would never just turn up he lives around 70 miles from me and I wouldn't want someone to do that to me.

But he doesn't know that. And if you cross his boundary by emailing him, how is he supposed to know how far you would go.

Plus...

I’m sorry for contacting your friends and family

And

I didn't contact any of his friends

Which is it?

If he wanted to see me he knows where to find me

Then leave it at that.

Op you only knew his mum through him, and you hadn't been with him that long had you?

That really wasn't OK. I think he is pretty set on not wanting to hear from you. He didn't message in anger. It was the day after you picked your stuff up.

That's plenty of time to calm down and think. Just leave it.

Don't send that....

You went on tinder to delete the app and discovered his location had moved.
You then became concerned that he might be still looking for people on tinder. You'd been together for 5 months at that point and you were still not "official" but you wanted to be.

Honestly, I think you should just chalk this one up to experience and not get too invested too fast in someone on OLD who lives 70 miles away. It sounds like he wasn't in the same place as you regarding what he was looking for in this particular relationship with you.
You made a fake tinder account.
He found out about this.
He then became really annoyed with you and split with you. Is this correct?

Perhaps he reacted so badly because he was actually still active on tinder and was trying to turn it round on you by claiming that it was you who was looking for other men?

So what did you do to mess it up? Had a liason with someone else!

@Marineboy67

So what did you do to mess it up? Had a liason with someone else!

Nothing ever happened with anyone else there was no third party involved. I just wanted to see if he was still active.

Time and space OP, can't recommend it enough.

I just wanted to see if he was still active

Can you not see that this means you didn't trust him? If you trusted him, you wouldn't have to check things behind his back. You'd just ask him and he'd tell you.

The relationship failed as soon as you had the suspicion that he was still on Tinder, before you even did anything about it. And quite possibly he sensed your suspicion, and the obsessiveness we can all see, and understandably wants nothing further to do with you. Sending him long, detailed messages about how much you love him and how you justify your actions will compound those negative feelings he has about you.

OP, block him on everything to avoid temptation. I understand the need for closure so maybe writing down everything here will have helped. Take a break from dating. In a few months you will be glad you let it all go.

I think you need therapy to equip you with the social skills you need to conduct a
Relationship. This man has run for the hills - let him go. Definitely don’t send that email!!!!

Just chalk up to experience and move on
He is a cheating prick if he still has his profile on Tinder

It may be naive of me but all I ever did was care about us and our future, but maybe I cared too much, Id fallen in love

Bloody hell, this is right out of the emotional manipulators handbook I'm afraid OP. 'I only did it because I love you so much'.

Your apology is very much about you and your feelings and not about taking accountability.

To the point that you say you're sorry specifically for contacting his 'friends and family' but now say you just rang his mum once... which isn't the same thing at all and clearly isn't the truth or you wouldn't have mentioned friends and family. You'd have said 'sorry for calling your mum' or similar. So what actually happened?

This is a really bad idea. You sound extremely full on and are taking things way too far by sending this essay as he has asked for no more contact.

He gave up on the relationship upon finding something relatively fixable and explainable. But he wasn't interested in salvaging anything. Most likely one foot was already out the door and this was the reason / excuse he's run with. Either way it's over.