Am I expecting too much?

[Offtothepub]

Name change as nobody irl knows I am ‘seeing’ someone.

We have been getting to know each other from OLD for the past 4 months and we have met up 4 times in the past month. We have great chemistry and I really like him a lot.

We have already settled into a comfortable routine that he comes to mine once a week on his day off work (he works 10 hour shifts in the day 6 days a week and a 3 hour night shift 3 times a week). He will stay for 2-3 hours and we have a good time and amazing sex don’t get me wrong, but it doesn’t feel enough. We speak on the phone at least twice a day too. I want him to come over more often and stay the night, but he can’t because of work.

We have spoken about progressing to an actual relationship and that we have strong feelings for each other, but it seems to be me that has to make the first move with everything. He is very shy and I’m understanding of that, but it would be nice for him to take control once in a while. We have spoken about going on a date which never happened either, and I know if I brought it up it would get arranged but I don’t want to raise the subject.

At the moment I can envision our relationship would be weekly visits for sex and not much else. If he meant everything he said about having feelings for me it would be nice to feel special but he obviously doesn’t feel it’s necessary. I told him how that made me feel and he said he will prove how much I mean to him, but I’m yet to notice any changes.

Am I expecting too much too soon? I am scared I am wasting my time on someone who will never allow more to happen, but of course I don’t want to rush through it all before he’s ready if a month is too soon to expect ‘sleep overs’, regularly seeing each other and going on dates on top of work hours and distance.

Are you sure he’s not married/living with someone?

This doesn’t sound like a relationship, it sounds like a woman being used for sex.

Sorry I'd be very suspicious he's probably married. Nobody works those shifts.

Agree. Why hasn’t he taken you out?? Why always at your place??

You sound like this is not what you want. Expecting a proper relationship where you go on dates and do things other than have sex is not expecting too much. Be prepared to bin him if he is not willing to change things up. And do some sleuthing to see if he is in another relationship

Definitely not married and definitely working those hours, it’s too outing if I say how I know

If you never actually go out and do anything and things haven’t progressed at all, I don’t see the point. It’s just meeting up for sex otherwise.

4 "dates" in and you've already settled into a routine where he comes over once a week for sex?

You've set the bar incredibly low. I would knock that on the head straight away. Next time he suggests coming over say no that doesn't suit, why don't we go to the cinema/for a walk/for a meal instead.

Stop being so completely available to him and start stating what you actually want to do. And also consider if long term you are happy with a relationship which consists of spending 2/3 hours a week with your partner.

Those shifts sound illegal

So you have only met four times or fpur times last month?

Regardless, be wary of “shy” guys. Clearly he is not too shy to sleep with you.

Why don’t you go to his house? Why don’t you suggest going out. If you want to go out make house visits infrequent and go for dinner, films, walks etc.

You’re more of a hook up, and you’re letting it happen.

Stop participating by accepting crumbs. Be busy. Very busy. Don’t be available for comfortable easy nights at yours.

If he can’t be bothered then this ‘relationship’ will go the way it maybe needs to. The bin.

Oh goodness I dont think you are seeing the wood for the trees. This is just a FWB scenario going on here. Thats not what you want....I would just say that this is not what you want and raise that bar OP as this is just breadcrumbs of coming over and sex. Not a relationship at all.

This is a booty call, not a relationship. 70 hours work a week is ridiculous

@Offtothepub

Definitely not married and definitely working those hours, it’s too outing if I say how I know

But surely that was the point of the name change?

I don’t drive so it’s easier for him to come here and he works 3 separate jobs, one of which a good friend of mine works with him there (he doesn’t know we’re friends). I know he is being honest I just don’t like the set up we have and when I told him I want more he said he we will and we need to take it slow, as you’d expect to hear in any relationship but I’m feeling anxious nothing will progress because I’ve made it too easy for him.

If a relationship is what you want, don't sleep with them until they've taken you out on dates a fair few times and you've discussed what your both looking for in terms of a potential relationship from the outset. He's not dating you which should be a bare minimum and not staying over night means he doesn't want anything more than a quick shag and go.
Alarm bells for taking it slow, too slow for anything to ever come of it but happy to sleep with you while you hope for more.
It's not worth it

Him popping round once a week for a shag isn't "taking things slow". He's having his cake and eating it.

I think there's a couple of things going on here.

4 dates in is very soon to be getting serious and expecting more.

He might be moving at a much slower pace, despite have strong feelings for you.

He doesn't come across as a great communicator as he would have told you where you both stand already.

A relationship in its infancy should be totally fun. This sounds full of anxiety. You both don't sound like a great combination, even if you get over these first bumps.

Thank you for telling me what I needed to hear, I will have a think and make a decision from here

He's working 72 hours per week? Why, just why?

That aside - he's just there for the sex, sorry, but he is. It might be great sex, but I doubt he's there for the relationship potential

Don’t tell me, you’re cooking for him as well.

Perhaps carry on for a while longer if you like him to see if things do develop but stop being available for sex and nothing more ...unless that arrangement suits you too, of course.

I’ve got two words for you OP -

Give Crazy Ex Girlfriend a go on Netflix and use it as a How Not To guide to dating.

Well the arrangement doesn't work for you (I don't blame you, it wouldn't work for me either), so you have to walk away surely?

I’m feeling anxious nothing will progress because I’ve made it too easy for him.

Well, of course, and that's exactly what has happened. You're his once a week shag and he has to provide absolutely nothing. No commitment, no investment, no interest in making sure you're happy.

Not to mention his ridiculous work hours. That's another red flag.

Four months in, this routine would not work for me. Why would you be happy with a settled routine ahead of a proper relationship?

Maybe he doesn't have more to give. I'm afraid that you are setting your bar really very punishingly low.

Is that what you would want, for a daughter, friend or sister ?

You have made it too easy for him. And if you were happy with it that would be fine. But you're not, so it's ok to say so.

As for taking thi gs slow but happy to have sex then bugger off

You've physically been with him for what? A grand total of 12 hours tops? Imagine if you stuck with him, would you still be ok with this a year down the line.

You will never meet someone more suitable and available for you while you are waiting around accepting the scraps from his table.