Am I expecting too much?

[Offtothepub]

Name change as nobody irl knows I am ‘seeing’ someone.

We have been getting to know each other from OLD for the past 4 months and we have met up 4 times in the past month. We have great chemistry and I really like him a lot.

We have already settled into a comfortable routine that he comes to mine once a week on his day off work (he works 10 hour shifts in the day 6 days a week and a 3 hour night shift 3 times a week). He will stay for 2-3 hours and we have a good time and amazing sex don’t get me wrong, but it doesn’t feel enough. We speak on the phone at least twice a day too. I want him to come over more often and stay the night, but he can’t because of work.

We have spoken about progressing to an actual relationship and that we have strong feelings for each other, but it seems to be me that has to make the first move with everything. He is very shy and I’m understanding of that, but it would be nice for him to take control once in a while. We have spoken about going on a date which never happened either, and I know if I brought it up it would get arranged but I don’t want to raise the subject.

At the moment I can envision our relationship would be weekly visits for sex and not much else. If he meant everything he said about having feelings for me it would be nice to feel special but he obviously doesn’t feel it’s necessary. I told him how that made me feel and he said he will prove how much I mean to him, but I’m yet to notice any changes.

Am I expecting too much too soon? I am scared I am wasting my time on someone who will never allow more to happen, but of course I don’t want to rush through it all before he’s ready if a month is too soon to expect ‘sleep overs’, regularly seeing each other and going on dates on top of work hours and distance.

Need to take it slow?? But it's fine to have sex with you?? Double standards or what??

Yep agreed with others…wands to take it slow but happy to pop in for a shag once a week.

My Idea of taking it slow, is meeting someone for dates outside my home, not just being in my home for sex.
Best of both worlds for this guy, no input or effort that a relationship requires, just a hook up on his terms. do yourself a favour, give him his marching orders, treat yourself better if he wants you he needs to put himself out a bit.

It’s actually so annoying when people do this. Being happy to be as intimate physically as you can be, to get naked and literally (sorry for the crudeness) insert your most intimate body part into someone…yet the thought of an actual emotional, intellectual connection is like whoa there let’s go slow!!! Ridiculous.

Taking it slow????!!!!! You are having sex after 4 dates. What does he define as taking it slow? Does he mean he wants to go fast on the sec front, but slow on the emotions / being available front?? Hmmmmm.

Please walk away from this one. He's showing utter disrespect. Alternatively, if you want to stick it out a bit longer, tell him you agree that you were rushing things, and you were both rushing things physically, so you'll go back to meeting up for dates but nothing physical. He's absolutely right - better to save that until you are both emotionally invested and in a proper relationship.

See how he responds to that idea. The cheek of the man!

Next time he comes over, just say you're starving but can't be arsed to cook, so you've booked a table at your local Indian, and go from there. Why all this tentative planning stuff?

Expecting too much? no accepting too little.

Have you ever been on an actual date? not even your first date?

As an outsider I'd say he's using you. Two ways of looking at that; why would you want a relationship with someone who is using you? and why have you allowed this to happen?

As for changing the dynamics now after the fact, well, that's almost close to impossible. It never works. The scene is already set! make last time the final act and learn from it.

He sounds like a money grubber. He wants paying for his time and he doesn't value his time with you much unless he's using it to get exactly what he wants: sex.
He will have very little to spare for you, OP. I bet he is tight fisted too.
This would not be good enough for all of us on this thread. What does that tell you?

Do you actually go on dates? Also unless you are stalking him or tracking his phone you don’t know what shifts he works and those definitely sound illegal. My guess is he is either married or with a partner and sees you on the side sorry.

Shy? Taking it slow? Behave, OP.

I agree with other posters. 'Taking it slow' means getting to know each other before you commit to things like meeting each other's family, moving in together etc. It doesn't mean never going out on dates!

There's no 'right' level of expectation. Or of any feeling. What you feel is the right level of feeling for you. The trick is in finding people to spend time with (friends as well as partners) who don't make you question whether your level of feeling this is 'too much'.

Think about the person you're closest to; does it ever cross your mind to think 'I'm being too x/y/z in this relationship', or would you ever post on a forum to ask if you were being too much, in that relationship? These questions just don't arise in healthy relationships.