Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Jealous partner?

46 replies

GetSporty · 05/08/2021 19:58

My partner of three years has told me of being jealous of me. We don't live together. Since we got together his life has been fairly stable, couple of job changes but no real change in salary etc. He rents a house and has a small amount of savings.

In the same time, I've had promotions, started to earn a fair amount more and have my own home and a much better life than him financially. He knows I haven't had any 'help' with this, I'm a single working parent and I never had any divorce payout.

I was really surprised when he said 'envious'. I dont think he meant it in a mean way, more that my successes have made him feel bad and that I may replace him. I've tried reassuring him, have even suggested we could live together at some point, with me buying the house. I've even told him it's just a 'job' etc but I can understand he feels some hopelessness as realistically he's unlikely to have any drastic life changes now.

I dont know what I can say/do to reassure him or make him feel better? It would be very cruel to lose a partner you love simply because you are in a much better financial situation and they feel insecure by that.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 05/08/2021 20:02

There’s a difference between jealous and envious. And it’s not clear if he’s said he thinks you’ll leave him because you’ve got more successful in your job or if that’s you wondering he thinks that. Does he compliment and celebrate the good things in your life or does he take it as an insult to him?

Maybe he’s just saying he’s impressed by what you’ve achieved and he thinks highly of you. Maybe he’s resentful and is trying to punish you by threatening to end your relationship. Hard to say.

If he’s not happy with his own life what’s he doing to improve it?

GetSporty · 05/08/2021 21:39

Thanks, he's said he fears I will leave him because I'm doing better as time goes on, better job, house etc, whilst he sees his own life as struggling.

He usually compliments when I get a success, for example a new job, but then he seems to wince a bit when talking salary etc. He says it makes him feel bad that he's doing less well. It seems to be a big issue to him, whereas I don't see it as an issue to me, he has other strengths...

In answer to your question, he hasn't done a great deal to 'improve' his situation, he's a bit restricted unless he gets a promotion. He seems depressed with his life.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 05/08/2021 21:48

FFS, op, I could scream. Why are you trying to "reassure" this man about anything? Why is it your job to make him feel better? He's an insecure twat with no motivation who takes his insecurities out on you. He knocks you down so you feel as though you have to lift him back up. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

TheFoundations · 05/08/2021 22:29

@Aquamarine1029

FFS, op, I could scream. Why are you trying to "reassure" this man about anything? Why is it your job to make him feel better? He's an insecure twat with no motivation who takes his insecurities out on you. He knocks you down so you feel as though you have to lift him back up. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.
Wow. Drama.

OP, is your partner insecure in other ways, and is it problematic for you, or do you just wish he felt better?

It's really up to him to look after his self esteem. Has he suggested what he expects you to do? Does he want you to not do well?

GetSporty · 05/08/2021 22:36

@TheFoundations yes he's insecure in other ways, I can see he has low self esteem and often says things like 'I don't know why you love me'.

He's made no suggestion as to what he expects me to do, I think its more about how he views himself that's the issue, but it seems likely to threaten the relationship, he's given up in a way.

OP posts:
Twobirdsinatree · 05/08/2021 22:41

I wouldnt feed into this by engaging with it actually... just change the subject. Its dangerous to allow someone to think they have the right to feel negatively about your achievements. Dont apologise for your success. Hos insecurity isn't your responsibility. This won't be a healthy relationship if you are constantly trying to reassure him... thats a bad dynamic to get into. Dont entertain it when he says things like 'I dont know why you are with me'
Obviously engage with him in a positive way and say you love him etc when he's not being like that... but honestly I wouldn't get sucked into that reassurance cycle because it could (im not saying it definitely will) end up becoming abusive because he may become validated in his jealousy if you act like he has a right to be jealous.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/08/2021 22:53

yes he's insecure in other ways, I can see he has low self esteem and often says things like 'I don't know why you love me'

I don't know why you love him either. You can do so much better. Find a man who is actually proud of your accomplishments, not this twat who resents you for them.

QueenBee52 · 06/08/2021 01:33

@Aquamarine1029

FFS, op, I could scream. Why are you trying to "reassure" this man about anything? Why is it your job to make him feel better? He's an insecure twat with no motivation who takes his insecurities out on you. He knocks you down so you feel as though you have to lift him back up. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Sorry but I agree with this...

its very manipulative if him.. woe is me.. poor me.. take me with you.. save me..

what a turn off 🤢

QueenBee52 · 06/08/2021 01:35

@Twobirdsinatree

I wouldnt feed into this by engaging with it actually... just change the subject. Its dangerous to allow someone to think they have the right to feel negatively about your achievements. Dont apologise for your success. Hos insecurity isn't your responsibility. This won't be a healthy relationship if you are constantly trying to reassure him... thats a bad dynamic to get into. Dont entertain it when he says things like 'I dont know why you are with me' Obviously engage with him in a positive way and say you love him etc when he's not being like that... but honestly I wouldn't get sucked into that reassurance cycle because it could (im not saying it definitely will) end up becoming abusive because he may become validated in his jealousy if you act like he has a right to be jealous.

Yip 🌸

Sparklfairy · 06/08/2021 03:42

What's that quote from that talk by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie?

We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls, "You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful - otherwise you will threaten the man".

You're already dumbing down your achievements to pacify this man. Stop.

GertietheGherkin · 06/08/2021 03:58

He sounds like hard work 🙄

It sounds like he's testing you out OP... All this reassurance he needs... He's making sure you feel responsible for him!
All the poor "woe is me, my life's so tough"
It won't be long before he suggests moving in with you. He's thinking you'll do him nicely, good job/ salary/ own home.
He'll then sit back and let you keep him, as he's this poor hard done to little lamb. He's making no effort to improve his life. Don't you get sucked into doing it for him.

Chuck this one back 👍

TheFoundations · 06/08/2021 06:31

[quote GetSporty]@TheFoundations yes he's insecure in other ways, I can see he has low self esteem and often says things like 'I don't know why you love me'.

He's made no suggestion as to what he expects me to do, I think its more about how he views himself that's the issue, but it seems likely to threaten the relationship, he's given up in a way.[/quote]
You're not saying much about how you feel.

How does it feel to you when he says 'I don't know why you love me', or some other version of 'I'm too pathetic for this relationship'?

How does it make you feel about the relationship? Do you like being around this attitude? Do you feel he's concerning himself with offering you fulfillment and a happy life that meets your needs?

Also, if he has low self esteem, there's other things he could do than 'get a promotion'. Is his self view is made entirely of 'Am I successful at work'? Do you find it appealing in him that he has done nothing to make himself feel better? He could start running marathons or learn to play an instrument or mentor a football team or become a brilliant cook or learn everything there is to know about local history and start leading walking tours or join the GoodGym or.... I mean, are you really happy with a guy who would rather slump and say 'You're better than me.' and just quit trying?

What's happening now, when there's a relationship issue? You're worrying yourself over it and posting on a forum for advice; what effort is he making to get the relationship through this? No suggestions, did you say?

Hekatestorch · 06/08/2021 06:52

There's loads of fairly serious red flags here.

The 'I don't know why you are with me' is emotional manipulation. It's designed to get you to fawn all over him, tell him why he is amazing and reassure him that when you live together your money will be shared

I bet there's also 'you are too good for me' thrown in for good measure. When a man has said that to me my response is 'if you believed that and you genuinely cared about me, you would walk away. If you really believe you are dragging me down, but care about me you would walk away rather than damage me'. Then the relationship is usually done. Because either they have shown they are trying to manipulate me OR that they don't really care for my well being just their own.

You can't compare career success, unless you work for the same employer and met doing the same job. My best friend is a student, she returned to uni. In that time I have had huge promotions. She isn't jealous. She wants to be a midwife, my job has no baring on hers. She needs to take a particular route that I don't. I don't need to go to uni. She is working towards her own success, that's her focus.

To me, when people feel envious, it's because they don't think the other person doesn't deserves what they have. It's 'why not me' thinking. As though the other person was just handed several promotions and it's completely down to luck, but they just haven't had the same luck. People who are envious, get wrapped up in that, rather than looking at how they can improve their own position.

Its not your job to make yourself smaller or make him feel bigger, because he he doesn't know how to handle this.

And why on earth are you offering to pay for a house for you? Would you really buy a house, you put all the money up and put it in joint names? Why? To make him feel like he has something? He will have it because you bought it. That won't help. And if he leaves you, you could find you and your child having to move to give him his money.

And if its not joint names, he will be constantly digging that, it's actually just your house. And this will get worse.

And your home would be at risk if the relationship broke down?

This relationship is heading 2 ways. You end up, spending your life trying to make him feel better about your success, while he plays the sad little boy....but also while benefitting from your success.

Or he will benefit from your success and then end up resenting the fact taht everything he has is mainly down to you.

If he is too insecure, to be in a relationship with a woman who earn more, he shouldn't be in it. You dshouldnt be in a relationship with a man, that makes your successes all about how bad it makes them feel

Hekatestorch · 06/08/2021 07:02

t would be very cruel to lose a partner you love simply because you are in a much better financial situation and they feel insecure by that.

No, it would be cruel to you and your child to stay in a relationship with a man, who pretends he wants more financial success but doesn't do anything about it. A man who instead of accepting that he isn't really that fussed trying to bring his partner down instead. A man who is hoping to benefit from his partners success but also wants to make her feel bad about it. A man who wants a successful woman, but thinks a successful woman wouldn't want him if he was honest that he just can't be arsed buy is happy to live off her success, so goes down the route of 'make her feel sorry for me, then she can't leave me'.

Shoxfordian · 06/08/2021 07:30

He sounds like a loser
Dump him

AhNowTed · 06/08/2021 07:31

I agree with the PP.

There's nothing wrong with being with a man (or woman) who just wants to coast along and has no real ambition.
We can't all be captains of industry.

The problem here is, he wants to coast along but resents the fact that you don't.

OP my DH is a coaster. I'm the driven one. At times I've earned 3 times his salary, and he couldn't care less.

He on the other hand is far more self contained and happy in his own skin. I need success at work to "validate" me - he doesn't.

He certainly wouldn't drag me down to make himself feel better, and that's your problem.

GetSporty · 06/08/2021 08:55

Very helpful points! I think he was comfortable with me when we first met because he earned more, whereas as time has gone on my life has got better whereas he's had job issues etc. He's said occasional things like 'your ex probably earns more than me' which also suggest he worries about his 'status' in earnings.

In answer to your questions, the dynamic has already shifted to me doing most of the 'reassuring' and almost a bit of a caretaker type role with him. I haven't chosen this, I try to give him confidence in other ways, but he often has money problems etc and will be in a crisis, sometimes asks my advice. He's never asked me for money.

Recently I had good reason to suspect he was cheating. When I confronted him he minimised it and seemed desperate to keep me. So it seems he doesn't want to lose me, even if he 'doesnt know why I love him'. I agree that the way he phrases this is designed to have me 'justifying' my love.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 06/08/2021 09:01

I haven't chosen this

Take responsibility for you, just as much as he needs to take responsibility for him: You choose this every day, because you know he's like this, and you choose to stay with him.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/08/2021 09:10

Oh Lord! I was going to explain how my DH and I supported each other and have been both the hgher earner and the unwaged one, with no hard feelings or envy.

And then you posted Recently I had good reason to suspect he was cheating. When I confronted him he minimised it and seemed desperate to keep me. So it seems he doesn't want to lose me, even if he 'doesnt know why I love him'. I agree that the way he phrases this is designed to have me 'justifying' my love.

Walk away. Whatever the truth of him that all sounds exhausting, unstable, unfair, etc.

You can choose not to want to continue with a relationship that pisses you off. So just tell him - it's all over now, baby blue!

Hekatestorch · 06/08/2021 09:12

Recently I had good reason to suspect he was cheating. When I confronted him he minimised it and seemed desperate to keep me.

So it's not just the money issue?

Honestly I would be very concerned he is manipulating you into a position, where he is benefitting directly from your money, while doing whatever he wants. By gaining your sympathy so you don't pull him on poor behaviour.

He is asking your advice so you know how bad his money problems are. So you again feel bad for him. He feel insecure about your exs wage and your wage. But also tells you about all his money woes?

Of course he won't ask you for money. Of you offered he would do the 'no my pride won't let me' but then take it. Or let you start paying for more and more things so he has spare cash to sort his money problems out.

Who pays for things when you go out? Because if he has money problems, it must be you? Or do you not go anywhere and do things together?

You can't give him confidence in other ways. Because his focus is on your money. Its not confidence building he wants from you.

You say you have become his caretaker that will only get worse. You also said you told him you would get you a house together, by doing that you are choosing to be his care taker. And i wouldn't be surprised if within months of that he suddenly loses his job in odd and mysterious circumstances.

RantyAunty · 06/08/2021 09:22

He has low self esteem.
If he doesn't like himself he certainly can't like or love anyone else.

Never be barb the builder for a man.

He'll either become a leech both financially and emotionally or he'll be jealous and resentful and cheat to put you in your place and find someone more on his level of self-loathing.

JonahofArk · 06/08/2021 09:24

@Aquamarine1029

FFS, op, I could scream. Why are you trying to "reassure" this man about anything? Why is it your job to make him feel better? He's an insecure twat with no motivation who takes his insecurities out on you. He knocks you down so you feel as though you have to lift him back up. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.
I agree with this wholeheartedly.

If he's that bothered then he can get off his arse and put the work in to improve his lot.

He wants you to feel like shit-he doesn't want you to be proud of your success and to enjoy it. Classic inadequate man bringing a successful woman down with his behaviour.

I couldn't put up with this whining.

layladomino · 06/08/2021 09:27

So he was happy when he earned more. He's showing you that he thinks the proper order of things is for him to earn more. Cos he's a man you see. Please don't feed that illogical and mysogenistic view.

The way he is acting is deeply unattractive. There is nothing wrong, of course, with one partner earning more than the other. Our worth is measured in much more complex ways than how much we earn. The appropriate response of a good partner, when someone gets a promotion / pay rise is to celebrate and be proud of their achievement.

He has managed to turn this in to being all about him. You reassuring him. You feeling guilty for professional success. He is at best very self-centred and at worst a manipulator.

This won't change unless you stop pandering to it. And tell him you will no longer pander to his insecurities. You aren't comparing yourself with him, but if he feels the need to do so then it's on him to improve his own position. It isn't your job to big him up and reassure all the time.

He sounds like he'll suck out all your energy until you can take no joy in your accomplishments.

JonahofArk · 06/08/2021 09:27

@GetSporty

Very helpful points! I think he was comfortable with me when we first met because he earned more, whereas as time has gone on my life has got better whereas he's had job issues etc. He's said occasional things like 'your ex probably earns more than me' which also suggest he worries about his 'status' in earnings.

In answer to your questions, the dynamic has already shifted to me doing most of the 'reassuring' and almost a bit of a caretaker type role with him. I haven't chosen this, I try to give him confidence in other ways, but he often has money problems etc and will be in a crisis, sometimes asks my advice. He's never asked me for money.

Recently I had good reason to suspect he was cheating. When I confronted him he minimised it and seemed desperate to keep me. So it seems he doesn't want to lose me, even if he 'doesnt know why I love him'. I agree that the way he phrases this is designed to have me 'justifying' my love.

So he's a broke, whiny, needy man who you think has been cheating on you.

What are you doing with this man? Why do you value yourself so little that you are prepared to put up with this behaviour?

Wjevtvha · 06/08/2021 09:27

I would be cautious of this man; during mine and DHs relationship my career has really gone up amd I earn more than him now (although not now I’m part time) and he’s always championed me and been really proud rather than envious as we’re a partnership rather than in competition to be compared. Don’t make your achievements seem less to make him feel better, tel him you love him for him but don’t pull yourself down

Swipe left for the next trending thread