Jealous partner?

[GetSporty]

My partner of three years has told me of being jealous of me. We don't live together. Since we got together his life has been fairly stable, couple of job changes but no real change in salary etc. He rents a house and has a small amount of savings.

In the same time, I've had promotions, started to earn a fair amount more and have my own home and a much better life than him financially. He knows I haven't had any 'help' with this, I'm a single working parent and I never had any divorce payout.

I was really surprised when he said 'envious'. I dont think he meant it in a mean way, more that my successes have made him feel bad and that I may replace him. I've tried reassuring him, have even suggested we could live together at some point, with me buying the house. I've even told him it's just a 'job' etc but I can understand he feels some hopelessness as realistically he's unlikely to have any drastic life changes now.

I dont know what I can say/do to reassure him or make him feel better? It would be very cruel to lose a partner you love simply because you are in a much better financial situation and they feel insecure by that.

There are a lot of red flags flying OP. He seems very manipulative and is seeing how far he can push you.
There have been posts here in the past of strong, successful women who are now a shell of themselves because of their manipulative partners. Don’t become that person. Think of your child, keep your money and assets safe for them and their future. Do not move this guy in with you. He is not the right person for you. The more you write the worse he sounds. Get your own boundaries in place and stop listening to his ‘woe is me’ crap. Stop pandering to him and feeling bad for him because you got a promotion. Get emotionally tougher

He just sounds like a standard woe is me covert narcissist tbh.

Never dull you shine for anyone.

Relationships should lift you up. Not pull you down.

Perhaps he wants to marry you so that he can be entitled half your house, wage and pension. Be wary.

Get rid if this waste of emotional space

My ex cheated on me 'because you earn more and it emasculated me'.

Funny his solution to feeling emasculated wasn't to work the same hours as me or as hard as me. It was to shag someone else.

Pathetic.

'You're too good for me' / 'I don't know why you love me' on repeat should be a massive red flag. Always. Because if someone really thought that they wouldn't want to be in a relationship with you as they'd know it couldn't be a healthy and equal one.

This guy is a manipulator. He makes you feel bad for doing well but is very happy to enjoy the fruits of your Labour and has you constantly cheerleading him while he doesn't do so for you. It's fucked up and unhealthy.

You need to take ownership of your part in this, recognising you should have walked away instead of pandering to him, so it doesn't happen again in a future relationship.

This one should be over, especially if there's also suspicion of cheating!

I think you need to stop being so reassuring and compassionate OP, as he doesn't seem to be responding to that well. Instead I thing you need to be quite firm and say that he needs to stop whinging and move into the 21st century. He should earn more than you just because he's a man, really? Tell him you don't find misogyny attractive and if he wants to be "good enough" for you it will involve moving past his ingrained sexism.

Did the cheating thing get resolved?

the relationship dynamic makes me feel uneasy ... its the beginnings of an abusive relationship.. He's laying the foundations to control you.. manipulate you and dominate you.. he's trying to hold you responsible for keeping his ego massaged... making him feel like a man.. whilst putting yourself down every single day.. you wont be allowed to celebrate your good success because it upsets him..

honestly .. I'd kick this RAT to the kerb 🌸

Thanks for all the comments, I'm finding so useful and insightful. I think the 'decent' into being so 'supportive' of him happened during lockdown, when he was having problems at work and seemed very keen to have my time and energy to help him solve/support.

I would agree that tbh, he is using his 'jealousy' etc as an excuse for bad behaviour. He seems to get worse, not better too, recently it's been a bit like he is enthusiastic and loving with me when he feels like it, but quiet/inattentive/leaving me hanging when 'busy'. Is this narcissistic behaviour? When I've suggested we could call it a day he becomes very eager and insistent on his love for me, wants to make it work etc.

I suppose the answer is that I need to move on...it has been a very gradual slide and he's definitely known which buttons to press.

Descent not decent, sorry!

Blimey. Does he have any good points?

I think you've outgrown him OP. Time to move on.

Is this narcissistic behaviour

Doesn't matter. He could be an angel. If he makes you feel shit, he still needs to go. Don't waste your energy on getting specific about what's wrong with him.

It doesn't matter what label fits his behaviour - what matters is that it's making you feel pretty shit, taking the shine from your achievements and has you acting as caretaker for a manipulative man who isn't a cheerleader for you, the woman he's meant to love.

This isn't a healthy, happy, sustainable relationship in which you can thrive. Time to end it and move on

If you like him enough I'd bother having a single conversation with him, along the lines: envy is actually a really healthy emotion as it helps you see what it is you want in life. If you;re not envious of Olympic athletes it's because that's not where your interest lies. But if you envy my job promotions and salary then you are ready to take those steps in your own life. Get focused. Read up on how to succeed in your field of work. Or look for a different field where promotion is more likely. Set goals and learn how to reach them.' Then wait and see if he acts on the advice.

It's not supposed to be this hard 🌸

Aquamarine said it better than I can.
He's not a nice person.

As pp have said, it doesn't matter what category of dickhead he is. He is a dickhead, regardless.v

Putting the cheating aside for a moment... How can you love someone like this? If he isn't happy, then he needs to take steps to sort that out, not whine at you and be passive aggressive about whether you love him. He will just drag you down with him, emotionally speaking. The lack of self respect he has would kill any feelings I had. And not because he earns less or isn't as successful - that doesn't necessarily matter, it's how he is dealing with it that is the problem.

As for cheating, why are you accepting that?

Just dump. His dramas and moods will suck the life out of you, and not in a good way!

He sounds a bit batshit if you ask me! I personally wouldn’t want any woman I was involved with to feel anything other than the greatest pride in her accomplishments with me being her biggest cheerleader!

If by some arbitrary metric it meant she was more successful than me so-fucking-be-it. I’d just look at it as I had exceptional taste in women. I’d look at self esteem issues as entirely separate to my partner.

I’m sure we all have our moments when we’re with the right person that we almost have to pinch ourselves for feeling so lucky, but it can all be fuel for self improvement. I’d personally use a more successful partner as motivation to do better and not in a competitive sense.

Hmm meant to say inspiration not motivation at the end there.

The more that's said about him, the worser he sounds.

I earn 5x more than my DH, it's never been an issue. He is very successful in his own field and earns well. He's a constant support to me, he genuinely loves to see me 'shine'. Never let anyone dull your shine OP. This man has an agenda... Remove yourself from it, for yours and your DD's well-being, emotionally and financially.