I feel like I'm his slave

[LeighanneKelly86]

Just a rant... Am I unreasonable to think he should at least clean up after himself?
We have a baby, and other children. I'm currently on maternity leave but usually work 30hrs a week around school hours etc.
I literally always do everything, and I mean I literally even have to put his own shoes away once he's come in.
He's never once made our baby a bottle, he's now 9 months old, he's never fed him, never bathed him or put him to bed, he doesn't look after or cleaned up after his own children that visit. I have to do everything. I get the children to bed and then have to come and do dinner whilst he lays on the sofa; then I have to take his plate out and do the dishes! Even when I was working it was all down to me; now I'm not - it's just an excuse for him. He literally doesn't even make the bed after he has a lay in which is another thing as he's never once got up with the baby, or even feed him during the night when he was newborn; thank god he starting sleeping through at 5 weeks or I would literally have been a zombie.

He thinks as he works that's it, I do everything else. He doesn't even empty the bins, oh and he will just leave rubbish on top of the kitchen bin and not even open it to put it inside!! Leaves dishes all over the side... am I unreasonable to think that he's lazy? Nothing will change when I return to work as he says he will still work more hours. I'm exhausted all the time. Any advice?

You stepped tight into tile when you started doing all the work to look after his own children before you had one together.

I would do household hours (incl childcare of your own baby), ‘clock on, clock off’ show him your timetable, and say ‘right, we have both worked the same number of hours this week we need to work out how we share the rest of the jobs’ and lie on the sofa.

The role model for your DSCs is terrible, your child should not see you treated like this.

You have 2 options to improve things; put in the fight to get him to step up, or leave. Or try to get him to step up and if it fails, leave.

Tactics I would try.

Any mess he leaves around, just put it all in a bin liner for him to sort out. Shoes, empty food packets, dirty washing.

Don’t put his kids to bed. Put your baby down and breeze off out. To ‘see a friend’, go to the gym, a walk, cinema, anything. Obviously give the SKids a big hug before you go, ‘have a lovely bedtime with Daddy’ etc.

Why are you tolerating this?

I know you're ranting, but focus on the issue.

I literally even have to put his own shoes away once he's come in.

This doesn't matter in the grand scheme.

He's never once made our baby a bottle, he's now 9 months old, he's never fed him, never bathed him or put him to bed, he doesn't look after or cleaned up after his own children that visit.

This does

I get the children to bed and then have to come and do dinner whilst he lays on the sofa; then I have to take his plate out and do the dishes!

Things to take into account. Does he work extremely long hours to provide for you, the two resident DC and two non resident DC. My DH works hard, but that's for us to reap the benefits. So I don't begrudge doing everything else, because he's very much pulling his weight out of the home.

However, he is capable of making a bottle for DTwins bed time as I'm cooking tea, because he likes doing things for them. And it takes one minute. He hasn't saved me loads of work, but just helping out in a little way because it's nice to lay them down to bed and then enjoy our evening together.

Housework wise, he does zero. And I could call him a lazy arse, but then earning wise, I do pretty much zero, so I am a lazy arse for that? He works equally hard outside of the house.

Because my most hectic times of the day are tea time and bed times, and this coincides with him coming home, a snapshot would look like a lazy husband sitting around waiting for his food while the frantic wife readies pyjamas and lays the table with the tea on. A snapshot an hour earlier, you'd see the hard at work husband closing his deals for the day, and me sitting with DTwins in front of the Gruffalo.

How are your days?

@WhiskeyGalore212

No offence bit youve done it with his kids and now you're doing doing with your own.

The dynamic should never have been established in the first place.

My dh works a demanding job abd hes done feeds,.late nights, nappies etc from day one.

What made you act like a 50s surrendered wife for him.

This.

Hard to change the dynamic once established but that is exactly what needs doing. How you do that is unique to each relationship and household.

I'm not for SAHM bashing. I am one, and I love it. Sometimes I get cabin fever, but that's more covid seemingly lasting forever than anything else.

I do get a little irked though when there's a apparently decent work balance between two people and one is unhappy because they see themselves as having a raw deal. This morning, between 7 and 11... I get up, dress DTwins, make breakfast for 5 whilst unloading the dishwasher. I then collect washing, load/unload machine, set the tumble dryer going, and then go back to clean the breakfast things. I run a bath which I'm in and out of in ten minutes while DTwins sit in highchairs. I go through cupboards and fridge and make a list for the supermarket later. I've scanned a medical form for DS and will need to post that later. I've swept the kitchen and picked up the toys from DTwins room and changed their beds. I've put all DHs and my clothes away and elder DS has snapped at me so I've handed him the bathroom cleaning stuff and told him to go and sort his bathroom out. I've taken the recycling out. I've set up DTwins cars to play. I've renewed an insurance. I've messaged DH, my best friend, my Nan. I've packaged up an Amazon delivery to go back. DH had to leave on the double this morning as he's got a meeting 2.5hrs away, so I've picked up all the stuff strewn across the bedroom as he got ready in a rush.

Or. I got the kids up. We've all had breakfast. DH has gone to work and I've done some housework.

I've also had 2 cups of tea, been posting away on MN, arranged a day out with best friend, and watched a bit of Harry Potter.

I think we can all make things sound how we want them too, to some extent.

He's one of those men who thinks childcare is work when he does it, and a rest when you do it.

You could try pointing out the double standard - ask him if he thinks you're also working all day looking after the kids. When he says 'no' - that's not working', you can say 'great, you can have "free time" with the kids this weekend while I go out for the day'.

He needs to acknowledge that childcare is hard work (I mean, he knows that really, he's just trying to pretend it isn't...).

@TwinsandTrifle did you not notice she's going back to work for 30 hours per week and doesn't expect any more input?

How embarrassing to tolerate this. What a disgusting example to all the kids. This male contributes absolutely zero except for ejaculating into women. There’s no need whatsoever to have standards so low. Discard the sperminator, obviously.

she's going back to work for 30 hours per week and doesn't expect any more input?

I didn't miss this, but it's not the situation right now. She's at home full time. This future situation is different. Because then they are both working hard, out of the house, all day. This wouldn't be acceptable for her to continue as she would be double working, so to speak, whereas he wouldn't. At the moment, mornings/breakfast and then bed/bath times are the busy times for OP, (because honestly, we all know as SAHM we have plenty of time for breaks throughout the day). And for DH, he's busy during the day and his downtime starts when he clocks off. They both put in the same hours throughout the day, just as different times, one in the home, one out.

When OP shifts from doing a full week of working in the home, to working out of the home, the void left, is then for both of them to split. OP you need a pretty frank discussion about this, as if you say nothing, you'll end up really resenting him. Or, with the extra money, outsource? A cleaner might be really handy.

Fuck that. You'll be much better off on your own. I had one like this, lazy shit, lying around complaining that "life was a lemon" while leaving me to do 100% of everything. They don't change, they are entitled pricks. Your post has made me so angry, please stop putting up with this. You deserve so much better. Make plans as to how you can manage on your own. I did it, you can too

@LeighanneKelly86

Just a rant... Am I unreasonable to think he should at least clean up after himself? We have a baby, and other children. I'm currently on maternity leave but usually work 30hrs a week around school hours etc. I literally always do everything, and I mean I literally even have to put his own shoes away once he's come in. He's never once made our baby a bottle, he's now 9 months old, he's never fed him, never bathed him or put him to bed, he doesn't look after or cleaned up after his own children that visit. I have to do everything. I get the children to bed and then have to come and do dinner whilst he lays on the sofa; then I have to take his plate out and do the dishes! Even when I was working it was all down to me; now I'm not - it's just an excuse for him. He literally doesn't even make the bed after he has a lay in which is another thing as he's never once got up with the baby, or even feed him during the night when he was newborn; thank god he starting sleeping through at 5 weeks or I would literally have been a zombie. He thinks as he works that's it, I do everything else. He doesn't even empty the bins, oh and he will just leave rubbish on top of the kitchen bin and not even open it to put it inside!! Leaves dishes all over the side... am I unreasonable to think that he's lazy? Nothing will change when I return to work as he says he will still work more hours. I'm exhausted all the time. Any advice?

He's have to do it if you stop doing it!

He's terrible OP, very lazy and it's inexcusable.

Have my first ever LTB

@TwinsandTrifle

I'm not for SAHM bashing. I am one, and I love it. Sometimes I get cabin fever, but that's more covid seemingly lasting forever than anything else.

I do get a little irked though when there's a apparently decent work balance between two people and one is unhappy because they see themselves as having a raw deal. This morning, between 7 and 11... I get up, dress DTwins, make breakfast for 5 whilst unloading the dishwasher. I then collect washing, load/unload machine, set the tumble dryer going, and then go back to clean the breakfast things. I run a bath which I'm in and out of in ten minutes while DTwins sit in highchairs. I go through cupboards and fridge and make a list for the supermarket later. I've scanned a medical form for DS and will need to post that later. I've swept the kitchen and picked up the toys from DTwins room and changed their beds. I've put all DHs and my clothes away and elder DS has snapped at me so I've handed him the bathroom cleaning stuff and told him to go and sort his bathroom out. I've taken the recycling out. I've set up DTwins cars to play. I've renewed an insurance. I've messaged DH, my best friend, my Nan. I've packaged up an Amazon delivery to go back. DH had to leave on the double this morning as he's got a meeting 2.5hrs away, so I've picked up all the stuff strewn across the bedroom as he got ready in a rush.

Or. I got the kids up. We've all had breakfast. DH has gone to work and I've done some housework.

I've also had 2 cups of tea, been posting away on MN, arranged a day out with best friend, and watched a bit of Harry Potter.

I think we can all make things sound how we want them too, to some extent.

Where's the bit where you work 30 hours a week as well? Because the OP does.

What makes this relationship good, exactly? He treats you with contempt, he thinks you're a skivvy and he's the master. Leaving his shit all over the place because he's too good to pick it up, but you're not. Even when you tell him you're exhausted and need help, he says no. How is this good?

OP doesn't work at the moment. She's planning to in the future, but her current situation is SAHM

@TwinsandTrifle

OP doesn't work at the moment. She's planning to in the future, but her current situation is SAHM

And OP's DH has already said he's not planning to change anything as he works more hours.

No @TwinsandTrifle she has not decided to be a sahp, the OP is on maternity leave which I think is different - she is at home to look after the baby NOT to pick up his damn shoes or when cannot be arsed to put stuff in the bin. Not even one bottle? Just bullshit, I don’t care if he is doing 50 hours a week.

Well, if you regard breaking up with someone a failure, if this relationship does end you'll each have had two failed relationships. Assuming his children were born of a woman rather than cloned from his body tissue.

Personally I regarded my divorce as something of a triumph. I worked hard enough for it. I'm proud that I eventually realised I didn't have to put up with all the nonsense. The failure was on the part of the other party, who failed to cherish me according to his vows. Promises and obligations cut both ways.

@TwinsandTrifle

OP doesn't work at the moment. She's planning to in the future, but her current situation is SAHM

Yes I am currently at home on maternity leave. He does work hard and I've always appreciated this which is why I do all I do. It gets me down that he will sit there on his days off and not lift a finger. He's never helped with the baby. The baby was planned and wanted by both. He was always hands on with his kids but they are older and I never saw him with a baby and hadn't realised the little he was going to do. we didn't discuss parenting roles whilst trying to conceive. He's never made a bottle, fed or put baby in bath or bed - he sees this as hard work. He watches me struggle through the evening with my other child too and just sits there even if he's not been at work that day. I will be going back to work in November and have "kit" days booked for later this month and September. I have mentioned a few times that I simply cannot do 30 hrs at work and still maintain the house, laundry and children all by myself. He has zero intention of stepping up and helping, nor will he agree for us to pay for a cleaner to assist. I thought it be best of both worlds, we get to spend more downtime together. He says "we have a cleaner" he obviously means me! I just came on here for advice as to how to go about getting him to understand that actually a baby, an older child and a house is a full time job without adding my working hours in. I wasn't here for a debate about roles within the home.

I'm with someone like this too, I feel like a slave, 2 kids, I do everything round the house even when I'm working full time too, they're a joke, sorry excuses for men. We just feel like we have to, I feel your pain, it's a horrible life.

I can't believe some of the entitled and downright rude comments on here. I'm so pleased there are so many of you with perfect partners, who feel the need to look down on someone clearly at their wits end and reaching out. Whatever happened to common decency and kindness? this lady has reached out for support and instead is told she has "enabled" this behaviour, she deserves what she gets and what example she is setting? Shame on you if you've posted anything like this. Vile people.

@NowEvenBetter

How embarrassing to tolerate this. What a disgusting example to all the kids. This male contributes absolutely zero except for ejaculating into women. There’s no need whatsoever to have standards so low. Discard the sperminator, obviously.

The only thing embarrassing is your comment. What an awful thing to say to someone reaching out for help. Your comment says more about you as a person then it does the lady reaching out for help. Shame on you.

No need to tag me Ruby , OP hasn’t bothered returning. You are welcome, I am one of the many victims of women who put cock before kids and am sadly all too aware of the carnage inflicted on kids by having deadbeat scum for fathers, and enabling mothers. Feel free to attack posters who cause miserable childhoods for new generations, since you’re into whining at internet strangers. Shame on you.