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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel like I'm his slave

113 replies

LeighanneKelly86 · 05/08/2021 19:32

Just a rant... Am I unreasonable to think he should at least clean up after himself?
We have a baby, and other children. I'm currently on maternity leave but usually work 30hrs a week around school hours etc.
I literally always do everything, and I mean I literally even have to put his own shoes away once he's come in.
He's never once made our baby a bottle, he's now 9 months old, he's never fed him, never bathed him or put him to bed, he doesn't look after or cleaned up after his own children that visit. I have to do everything. I get the children to bed and then have to come and do dinner whilst he lays on the sofa; then I have to take his plate out and do the dishes! Even when I was working it was all down to me; now I'm not - it's just an excuse for him. He literally doesn't even make the bed after he has a lay in which is another thing as he's never once got up with the baby, or even feed him during the night when he was newborn; thank god he starting sleeping through at 5 weeks or I would literally have been a zombie.

He thinks as he works that's it, I do everything else. He doesn't even empty the bins, oh and he will just leave rubbish on top of the kitchen bin and not even open it to put it inside!! Leaves dishes all over the side... am I unreasonable to think that he's lazy? Nothing will change when I return to work as he says he will still work more hours. I'm exhausted all the time. Any advice?

OP posts:

ufucoffee · 05/08/2021 20:27

Why do you keep saying 'I have to'. You don't have to. What would happen if you didn't put his shoes away or make the bed. There is loads of stuff you don't have to do. Tell him you're not the maid. See what happens when you stop.

LatentPhase · 05/08/2021 20:28

He’s a misogynist pig.

Are you married? This is what divorce is for.

Just think of what life could be like

three less children to think about (him, his dc).
No resentment
Less shopping, washing, cooking, tidying
Self esteem up from on the floor
No more wondering why he doesn’t give a shit.

Happy days!

And I would not worry about him ‘wanting custody of the baby’ he clearly doesn’t give enough of a shit

QueenStromba · 05/08/2021 20:28

Stop feeding him and doing his washing at a minimum - if you can stop doing something without it impacting on you then stop doing it.

Fireflygal · 05/08/2021 20:30

Are you married? What is house situation?

Reality is he doesn't need to be fair or reasonable as you will just do it. All you can do is tolerate it, refuse to do his share which includes caring for his dc or confront him on a regular basis which isn't good for the dc.

He doesn't see you as equal and I suspect his attitude is in other areas as well.

Can you go stay with family for a week so that he has to pick up chores?

Tallisimo · 05/08/2021 20:32

Clearly he is a lazy, selfish, entitled arse. But look, why are you enabling him? His children come to stay! You leave him to look after them, cook for them, clear up after them. You don’t pick up his shoes or take his empty plate away and wash it. Actually, you don’t cook for him or do anything for him. Tell him you are going out and leave him to look after the baby.

This ‘might’ make him wake up. Frankly, I doubt it as any proper husband / father would be willingly sharing the load and not lying on the sofa slobbing while you do it all. But at least you’ll have given him a chance to change before you give him his marching orders.

mummytotwoboys0600 · 05/08/2021 20:42

I just think he’s got into the habit of sitting on his arse. I was furloughed for 6 months then went on maternity leave so I have just got on with everything and given him the idea that I’m happy. I’ve mentioned a few times that he doesn’t help me and he says, but I go to work. I didn’t sign up for being his, the house and everyone’s blooming slave.
I don’t want to leave him, we have a good relationship (well I think so, aside from the housework and child duties).
He has a full on job and he wants to rest when he gets home. His opinion is that I’m home and can do what I want and sit and relax at any point. I mean baby and children do not allow you to do that.
I just want him to acknowledge and realise that I do a full time job also. I’ve told him that when I return to work I simply cannot manage everything I do now and the 30 hours.
I can stop doing his washing and cooking etc but just seems petty to cook for myself. He is paying most of the bills atm because as you know smp is poor. Just feeling frustrated and hoping things will change when I’m back at work.

Anonanon1234 · 05/08/2021 20:48

Wow.

I can understand him feeling like he does work hard, seen as he does 50 hrs a week...however that does not give him the right to be a total lazy bastard. Not taking his own plate out etc, is just ridiculous.

Just stop doing it. Order a takeaway for tea, say you're exhausted from cooking. Or cook, eat and then let him leave his plate wherever..if they stack up, place them all in his side of the bed or in his car

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/08/2021 20:48

I don’t want to leave him, we have a good relationship (well I think so, aside from the housework and child duties).

What about it do you think is good?

His actions show he despises you. He literally thinks he’s too good to have to pick up his own fucking shoes and expects you to do it for him. That’s contempt.

This isn’t about having different standards of house cleanliness. You’re the one saying he treats you like a slave.

Do you want your children to grow up thinking this is how men and women behave? That dad gets to do whatever he likes and make as much mess as he wants to while mum runs herself into the ground?

He’s a useless, uncaring, disengaged dad. How can you love someone who refuses to feed his own baby? He’s a selfish horrible partner.

Again, how is ranting helping you? You described an awful situation, people are saying the obvious thing which is you and the children deserve much better, and your response is that he actually makes you happy. He doesn’t or you wouldn’t be here listing the massive amounts of work he makes you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/08/2021 20:48

This man is only with you to show his sexual prowess / ability to procreate and as a maid for him and his existing dcs.

You do have a choice not to be with him.

StillWeRise · 05/08/2021 20:52

how do you think he will react if , say, when he got home from work you said 'oh, me and the kids have already had dinner'
if the idea of doing this makes you feel a bit nervous then you really need to think about why

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/08/2021 20:54

What rest of your relationship? He works 50 hours then lies on the sofa while you serve him.

Get back to work then leave him. He will have to look after his children and clean his house then.

And this is a theme on here... men who find some poor woman to look after their older children and wait on them. It's so unattractive.

UnGoogled · 05/08/2021 20:58

You will have much less stress, mess and struggles without him around. He doesn't sound like he is a partner, an equal, a helper or a life enhancer. Surely that's what a partnership is about?

Rainbowpurple · 05/08/2021 21:00

Wow. He needs to learn how to look after himself. You are not his mum, and even my kids know how to use a bin properly. Speechless!!

crabbingbucket · 05/08/2021 21:01

What? How can you possibly find this man attractive?

mummytotwoboys0600 · 05/08/2021 21:04

Yes when I look at my situation as an outsider I don’t really feel like I am happy, at all!
This would be my second failed relationship, one child each; that’s why I’m clinging on to it. I just want him to change; and want him to see that he’s being unfair. I need to sit down and talk it through. When I’ve tried before he gets in mood and doesn’t talk to me for a day or two. I can’t win

WeatherwaxOn · 05/08/2021 21:11

As others have said, you do not need to put up with this disrespectful waste of skin. You'd be far better off without him.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 05/08/2021 21:20

So he gives you the silent treatment if you express that you're not happy....he's conditioning you, it's abusive. This isn't an equal partnership at all. It's an abusive relationship. What would he do if you didn't cook for him, or if you didn't clean up after him? Are you scared of what he would do/say?

AvantGardening · 05/08/2021 21:23

@mummytotwoboys0600

Yes when I look at my situation as an outsider I don’t really feel like I am happy, at all! This would be my second failed relationship, one child each; that’s why I’m clinging on to it. I just want him to change; and want him to see that he’s being unfair. I need to sit down and talk it through. When I’ve tried before he gets in mood and doesn’t talk to me for a day or two. I can’t win

Why would you stay in a failed relationship that makes you unhappy?

You can be a successful, happy single woman with two fabulous kids who know no one treats their mum like shit.

Reframe it. Successfully leave when it’s no longer good.

LabradorMama · 05/08/2021 21:26

This used to be my life. I was so unhappy but when I tried to tell him he just said that he worked hard, he earned the money, he wasn’t prepared to spend his downtime doing housework.
My life improved beyond measure when I left him. People used to say to me ‘how are you coping on your own with a baby, it must be so hard!’ The truth was my life was SO much easier without him, my workload more than halved overnight.
I’m six years down the line now and have met a wonderful man who treats me as an equal and sees us as a team. My ex found himself a much younger woman and has moulded her into the 50s housewife I was not prepared to be.
I can’t tell you how much better life got as soon as I left him. A man who had an ounce of respect for you would not treat you like this. You get one life, don’t waste it being a slave to this overgrown man baby

LabradorMama · 05/08/2021 21:26

‘You need to find the courage to leave the table when respect is no longer being served’

Polmuggle · 05/08/2021 21:28

The only person who can change this situation, is you OP.

I have to do it

No, you don't.

Tallisimo · 05/08/2021 21:31

You can want him to change all you like, and you can wish he would realise he is being unfair, but if you are honest, you know this isn’t going to happen. Decent human beings don’t behave like he does, they don’t need to ‘wake up and smell the coffee’.

I get that you are worried you already have one broken relationship behind you, but that’s no reason to soldier on with a second disfunctional set-up. I’m not going to call it a partnership, because that’s not what you have!

LatentPhase · 05/08/2021 21:32

He sulks when you raise this!

Please leave this gigantic arse. You’ll be doing your kids a massive favour.

LatentPhase · 05/08/2021 21:34

This relationship is already a failure in terms of respect. All there is now is to exit.

blacksax · 05/08/2021 21:36

Kick the lazy good-for-nothing bastard out.

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