Having to repeat yourself to toxic people

[FlatteredFool]

ExH is emotionally abusive and engages in lots of coercive control. Or tries to. I generally find I can put a stop to it with grey rock block. We are communicating well lately but he will ask the same question several times even if I've answered it and the text or email is there in black and white. If I cont answer again he says I've gone quiet or sends question marks. It's tiresome and I cba with him at all especially as he ignores a lot of what I ask him that requires a response How do you handle this kind of situation?

Don’t engage , if it’s in black and white just respond you’ve already answered. Then don’t reply to next email / text

"I answered that on [date]"

Broken record technique.

It's a technique to provoke a reaction from you.

No response is the only response.

He's getting a little aggressive now in his messages. I've still not responded. I don't mind anyone checking arrangements to make sure they've got it right but being asked the same thing by resending the same message is not going to alter my original response that I can clearly see in our chat history.

Personally I would say once "I answered that yesterday" and then ignore anything further on the subject.

If he blows up it's his problem - he's basically pushing your boundaries, trying to get you to dance for him.

If he's aggressive or threatening in his messages, say "if you continue to communicate aggressively, I will block contact and further arrangements will have to go through a third party" (I presume you have children together?) and if he's threatening, that you will go to the police.

Forward the original reply to him. Keep doing this with no other chat

Ignore. If he wants the answer and he's already received it in writing, he'll look for it. There's no 'right thing' to do that will get a non toxic response from someone toxic. Stop trying to take responsibility for the toxicity, and just distance yourself from it.

My ex used to do this too. I did what a PP said and just kept forwarding him the original email or text that contained the answer. Then he stopped doing it.

Do you have to engage? What is it you're talking about?

Forgot to add, i used to wait 24 hours and THEN forward the original reply.

How old are your DC?
Can you move communication to email?

I resend the original msg with no other input.

‘I’ve already answered this question’

That’s part of the grey rock toolkit.

If aggression escalated advise him you consider this harassment and will speak to the police.

Do you have a separate phone dedicated to communicating with him? That can help you feel in control.

I would send again because that is the quickest thing to do and takes least effort, send then forget about it until he asks again. If you engage or try to reason it will take up more of your time and headspace.

Yes, we have to communicate unfortunately due to dc. I've told him that I answered it and gave the date and time and he's asked me again ffs I'm ignoring it now.

Screenshot the original reply and send with no comment

@hedgehogger1

Screenshot the original reply and send with no comment

Yes, it's part of his mind games to get you to doubt your memory and a way for him to provoke you into a reaction.

I would do what pp suggested here.

I did that and then went to sleep. He's tried telling me of other arrangements we've made that I know we haven't but he's failed to prove the text conversation took place and I'm not searching back weeks to prove its not there. The onus is on him.

All contact via a 3rd party is probably the way to go, if contact directly with you is resulting in him being aggressive and accusatory. If you think it might be better for the children, do it. Sorry he's being an arse.

There are apps you can use for just communicating between estranged parents. If you communicate through that only, it might help as you won't have it getting mixed between other texts/Whatapps and maybe you could mute it.
Also you could screenshot previous answer and post it then mute.

Can you set up a shared Google calendar purely for the kids activities/schedule? Then all you have to do is say ‘check the calendar’ every time he kicks off?

If I cont answer again he says I've gone quiet or sends question marks.

So? just ignore him.

Oooh a shared calendar that sounds good but he's expect me to input everything and I won't do that so it sounds good but the reality would be more work for me.
I have to be very careful with him as he is quick to criticise and he is fighting for custody of dc which means I have to be faultless.

Shared calendar will help with this specific issue but if he wants to communicate with you in a toxic way, he'll find something else to piss you off about. You'll still need good techniques to maintain your BS boundaries.

You're allowed to "go quiet" - you're no longer in a relationship.