Partner keeps borrowing money even though he earns a lot more than I do

[Laurashakey]

Hi all,

I need some advice because it’s coming up to my maternity leave soon, and I feel stressed about money situation.

Long story short, I’ve never had a father who would buy me things when I was little, and my mum was not the richest either. I started working when I turned 14 years old to be able to afford my own luxury such as clothes, make up, etc etc.
I have always been managing my funds pretty well and since I rememebr I have always had some money put aside( savings) so if anything happens or if my car breaks, my main account funds finish, I at least can have my savings to help me manage by until I get paid again.
My partner has recently started being self employed( May time) he earns around 38K a year where I only earn about 19K per year. Since May he has been borrowing money from me which it was fine at first as I didn’t mind helping out while he gets his career going, UNTIL he would pay back and then again lend half of that money from me, while being in his overdraft and not to mention he gets paid every two weeks, with me it takes me a month to get paid with my job.
He does not want to show his bank account to me as he says that as long as we can get by I don’t need to worry, I don’t think he spends his money on any pointless stuff as we are always together pretty much and I don’t see him buying new clothes or anything ever so I am very confused.

He gets paid around £1250 every two weeks, £200 his overdraft that he always finds himself in, over £100 for his car insurance, food shopping as well, petrol, his phone Bill like once a month, he says he needs to be paying off his work equipment also each month as he works for building sites and had a lot of equipment to buy back in May but I am not sure if he is actually paying it all back now or what’s happening, surely the payment would only be paid once a month, and he gets paid twice a month?
He also pays our rent which is £525 a month, and I pay everything else like gas electric, council tax, life insurances, water, broadband etc etc, which we all know I will be left with nothing by the end of the month after maternity pay kicks in. He keeps saying he will be chipping in for the other bills as well, but how can I be sure?
Do not get me wrong please, he does treat me to meals or pay for food shopping by himself sometimes, but after all of that he is broke again and asks me for money anyway.
I am due to go on maternity leave from October and I am absolutely dreading it as I don’t know what our financial situation will be like, he hasn’t proven to me that I can rely on him financially, and whenever I bring it up he tells me I don’t trust him, but it’s nothing to do with trust at all, I just need security for myself and my child. He keeps saying we’re gonna be rich this and that, every week since July he’s been saying that on two weeks we will be rich and you won’t have to lend me money anymore, that’s been said since July, and he is still lending money off me. If I wasn’t having a baby I would not mind at all of course but it’s just the financial security that I do not feel..I am so scared and stressed and he knows that. It got me to the point where I just want to spend all of my savings and tell him ‘got nothing sorry you need to start saving up’ but then I need to think of my child, I need to have some money for Christmas, If anything happens to my car and child is ill and needs to be rushed to the hospital etc I need some money to fix it. This money is meant to be based around my child. The only reason why I have ever told him about my savings was for somebody to feel proud of me.. now I regret it.
Not to mention we also have a dog which is a shar pei( a lot of health issues they can struggle with) and I am probably end up spending all of my savings anyway when something happens to her which of course wouldn’t think twice of doing but then me and my child are screwed.
Has anyone got any advice please or even any benefits help for myself I don’t know if I can afford to live off £152 a week, is there any other help I can have from the government? It’s probably hard because I live with him and he earns a good amount of money so that’s what they will look at..

So why are you lending him money?

This relationship needs to end because he is irresponsible with money and is using you for money. Or he's saving his money while living off you. None of those are qualities of a decent partner.

It gets worse. You have a child. You need to prioritise your child ahead of this man, at the moment, you're not.

If you live together and are having a baby together, you need to be transparent about finances. You need to see his bank accounts and you need to sort out a budget

In your situation, I would put my savings into an account without instant access & say you want to get more interest from it. That way it won't be available for him to fall back on. Then I'd say to him, he's going to need to learn to manage his money better because as a family you're going to be reliant on him during your maternity leave. Whatever happens, hang on to your savings.

Oh christ, you're not married? He's already financially abusing you, this isn't going to get better. I think you need to prepare yourself for single parenthood and probably a very short mat leave.

You will almost certainly find he'll shaft you for maintenance (very easy to hide income when you're self employed)

This man does not see you as a partnership. You're a cash cow. Don't lend him ANYTHING else and change your passwords and pins.

That is not right.
Get pet insurance for the dog - have a look at bought by many.
Can you sit together and make a list if your outgoings and have it all come out of one joint account where you both contribute into? Better visibility like that. Then everything is paid and his spending money is his spending money only and he has no reason to borrow anything.
Tool repayment etc should be part of his business accounts.
Also, if he keeps saying things like you’ll be rich in two weeks etc, could he be gambling??? If so you really need to know asap.
What is your housing situation?

Because I am scared that when I am on maternity I will be taking his money technically, and he will have to help me out, so if I don’t help him out then I will feel awful when I ask him for money when on maternity.. sad true about being independent you think you just have to handle everything yourself.

I’d try and find out what’s going on with him financially. Does have debts and is he paying them off or just paying off the interest.

No you won’t be taking ‘his’ money. You should have a partnership and you will take a massive hit for going on mat leave.
Ideally you should have a joint acc where both contribute pro rata to earnings and all payments are taken out of. It just gives more visibility of your outgoings.
I predict you will have a parent role in this relationship.
And check up on gambling :(

@Perching thank you for your advice.

I have been saying this for ages and he was meant to sort this out, but he still hasn’t.
I think this is something I am going to have to talk to him about today and do, because I shouldn’t have to stress over things like that.
No he doesn’t, he just earns good amount of money, I think maybe he just does not realise how much he spends, and spends his money until he even gets the money, I am not sure.
It’s good we always manage to pay bills on time, he is a good man he does work hard 100%, I am just scared that when I go off on maternity we will struggle, because there will only be some amount that I will be able to put towards the bills.

Wrote out a HOUSEHOLD budget - not what you pay/need but what the whole household costs are, including savings and any debts you know about, like equipment. Is he saving up for his tax bill if he’s self-employed?

Then sit him down with the budget and what you’ll get on maternity pay and make him listen.

And stop lending him money.

I stopped reading when you said he won’t show you his accounts. I’d insist on it.

He did have debts before, as far as I am aware he has paid everything off now mostly, but is still paying for his tools from work, apparnelyy he can claim the money back for tools from the government but not until next tax year, he doesn’t come from a good household if that makes sense, so never really had the role model to show him how to manage life in future, my role model has always been my mum I learnt to be independent and good with money due to her.

Assuming your baby is his, he will not be helping you out when you are on maternity leave, he will be supporting his family, which is what decent patents do.
Do as a pp suggested, have a joint account for all household expenses, including child related spend, then any other money is yours to do with as you please. Do not lend this man any more of your money.

You’ll need to sort it then if he doesn’t.
Also make sure that business expenses and personal expenses do not mix, does he have an accountant?
And also just a word of warning - cracks in any relationships become canyons when you throw a baby in the mix, don’t know why. Iron out these things now.
And please consider pet insurance. If you don’t have a slush fund/self insure, you NEED pet insurance.

Make a to-do list before baby comes and remind him that playing the mother
role in a relationship is deeply unsexy!
Dress it up as getting your ducks in a row/life MoT.
Cheapest deals for gas/elec/mortgage
Wills sorted
Pet insurance.
Check your credit scores. It’s free. You’ll see unpaid debt there. Think carefully if you want to be financially linked.
Joint acc with all direct debits moved over.
Savings plan towards house deposit etc
Then whatever is left - personal spends/personal savings.
Business - tools/assets/tax bill/tax deductibles/indemnity insurance etc.
When are you going back to work? Career progression? Extra qualifications to up your earnings?
Good luck! Don’t waste your precious mat leave with this, sort it now x

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Oh christ, you're not married? He's already financially abusing you, this isn't going to get better. I think you need to prepare yourself for single parenthood and probably a very short mat leave.

You will almost certainly find he'll shaft you for maintenance (very easy to hide income when you're self employed)

This man does not see you as a partnership. You're a cash cow. Don't lend him ANYTHING else and change your passwords and pins.

This. Sorry OP. He's not a good man. From now on refuse to tell him how much is in your bank account, savings account or purse. If he asks for money say you've none left and be vague if he asks what you've spent it on. You don't owe him an explanation or a lend. Why would he organise his own finances when he knows you'll bail him out? Be less helpful and if you want security bin him off. At least going it alone you'll know exactly how much you have coming in each month and can budget accordingly.

If you do stay with him, when you're on maternity leave, don't accept paying "your share" of the bills and being left with nothing. This child belongs to both of you, he can pay all the bills, both of you should have spending money. Look into the cost of childcare if you went back to full-time work. That's the "wage" you're owed each month. And on the evenings/weekends he should pull his weight with childcare and housework. That you're home all day is irrelevant.

If he wants it as "what's his is his and yours is yours", then when you return to work he should pay over 50% of all expenses as he's the higher earner, including all children related expenses (don't forget clothes and toys!).

So it doesn't become "childcare costs £600, my share of utilities and food is £175, my wages are £800 so I'm working all month for £25. While he earns £1600 pays £525 rent and £100 utilities, buys his dinner at work and fritters the rest".

Instead it'd be more like "childcare is 600, he pays 400 childcare plus everything else, I pay 200 childcare, and we both have 600 left each month after all bills are covered".

If he wants it 50/50 he also needs to sort out flexible working, so that's not all on you. The drop offs and collection from nursery should be shared, as should taking time off for child sickness and teacher training days etc. Basically, if he wants it to be "what's his is his and what's yours is yours", then his career/ability to earn needs to be impacted just as much as yours, so you both have equal chance at maintaining and building/progressing a career. Otherwise, he needs to accept that yiire sacrificing your career for the sake of his, so his wages is now "family money" to which you have equal access (pay into a pension for yourself from his wages too) including seeing the bank statements etc.

The above is Dreamland though and will never happen, which is why you should LTB. He's already using you as a cash cow, future-faking with all his talk of "we'll be rich" to manipulate you into handing over your money in the present, talking about "helping out" with bills as if he's doing you a favour.

In reality, you're ruining your career progression and ending your freedom, two things that won't happen to him because he'll refuse to let it and make you the default parent, all because you're doing him the favour of having his DC. Know your worth OP and don't let him forget it.

Something is going on that he doesn't want you to know about re his finances. Pay day loans, gambling, only fans or drugs? It makes no sense that he is in this constant cycle of borrowing money from you if he is the higher earner, and refusing to show you his accounts is a red flag. I would absolutely refuse any further loans if he pushes then push back with wanting to see his accounts so you can understand what's going on and the need for the money.

I think he does need to be transparent with his finances as he can't seeM to manage them. Especially if you're having to bail him out all the time

Stop giving him money. There are so many red flags that this man has a big gambling problem so do not get a joint account as advised or get married, you stand to lose everything. If he won't show you his accounts and set a budget with you (my guess is he will say he will do it "later" and later never comes) then there is a very high possibility he is wasting thousands gambling and is lying and hiding this from you. Your attirudes to saving and spending are too different which is a major, major problem. Along with his lack of transparency and reckless behaviour these are all red flags for someone who will bleed you dry and leave you penniless. Be very very careful.

I think some PPs on this thread are scaremongering. Some people are ashamed and frightened of their money management skills and he may be embarrassed about his situation. You are a financial unit and when you take maternity leave, you and your partner will need to see it this way more than ever before. It is not HIS money or indeed YOUR money. You need to work out an income and expenditure sheet including debt repayments for his business. Both of your income is included and you approach your outgoings together. You can get advice from your local CAB or online at the Money Advice Service. If he doesn't commit to this and continues to borrow without explanation, then you have a problem.

You shouldn't trust him. He's taking the absolute piss. Get rid and you'll be better off. Stay with him and and you'll always be broke. Been there!

They are not a financial unit as they are not married. He can take and take and take and then disappear, nothing the OP can do.

Ask him for full disclosure. Then work out a budget - savings, debts, spends etc.