Partner keeps borrowing money even though he earns a lot more than I do

[Laurashakey]

Hi all,

I need some advice because it’s coming up to my maternity leave soon, and I feel stressed about money situation.

Long story short, I’ve never had a father who would buy me things when I was little, and my mum was not the richest either. I started working when I turned 14 years old to be able to afford my own luxury such as clothes, make up, etc etc.
I have always been managing my funds pretty well and since I rememebr I have always had some money put aside( savings) so if anything happens or if my car breaks, my main account funds finish, I at least can have my savings to help me manage by until I get paid again.
My partner has recently started being self employed( May time) he earns around 38K a year where I only earn about 19K per year. Since May he has been borrowing money from me which it was fine at first as I didn’t mind helping out while he gets his career going, UNTIL he would pay back and then again lend half of that money from me, while being in his overdraft and not to mention he gets paid every two weeks, with me it takes me a month to get paid with my job.
He does not want to show his bank account to me as he says that as long as we can get by I don’t need to worry, I don’t think he spends his money on any pointless stuff as we are always together pretty much and I don’t see him buying new clothes or anything ever so I am very confused.

He gets paid around £1250 every two weeks, £200 his overdraft that he always finds himself in, over £100 for his car insurance, food shopping as well, petrol, his phone Bill like once a month, he says he needs to be paying off his work equipment also each month as he works for building sites and had a lot of equipment to buy back in May but I am not sure if he is actually paying it all back now or what’s happening, surely the payment would only be paid once a month, and he gets paid twice a month?
He also pays our rent which is £525 a month, and I pay everything else like gas electric, council tax, life insurances, water, broadband etc etc, which we all know I will be left with nothing by the end of the month after maternity pay kicks in. He keeps saying he will be chipping in for the other bills as well, but how can I be sure?
Do not get me wrong please, he does treat me to meals or pay for food shopping by himself sometimes, but after all of that he is broke again and asks me for money anyway.
I am due to go on maternity leave from October and I am absolutely dreading it as I don’t know what our financial situation will be like, he hasn’t proven to me that I can rely on him financially, and whenever I bring it up he tells me I don’t trust him, but it’s nothing to do with trust at all, I just need security for myself and my child. He keeps saying we’re gonna be rich this and that, every week since July he’s been saying that on two weeks we will be rich and you won’t have to lend me money anymore, that’s been said since July, and he is still lending money off me. If I wasn’t having a baby I would not mind at all of course but it’s just the financial security that I do not feel..I am so scared and stressed and he knows that. It got me to the point where I just want to spend all of my savings and tell him ‘got nothing sorry you need to start saving up’ but then I need to think of my child, I need to have some money for Christmas, If anything happens to my car and child is ill and needs to be rushed to the hospital etc I need some money to fix it. This money is meant to be based around my child. The only reason why I have ever told him about my savings was for somebody to feel proud of me.. now I regret it.
Not to mention we also have a dog which is a shar pei( a lot of health issues they can struggle with) and I am probably end up spending all of my savings anyway when something happens to her which of course wouldn’t think twice of doing but then me and my child are screwed.
Has anyone got any advice please or even any benefits help for myself I don’t know if I can afford to live off £152 a week, is there any other help I can have from the government? It’s probably hard because I live with him and he earns a good amount of money so that’s what they will look at..

@Laurashakey - please read @AmberIsACertainty's post carefully.

You are in a very vulnerable position, and this is going to get worse after your baby is born. The time to discuss finances - and preferably also marriage! - was before you became pregnant. But this ship has sailed.

If this was an honourable man who cares about his family, he would be open about his finances. He would contribute proportionately according to his earnings. FFS he earns twice as much as you! He is responsible for two-thirds of the costs associated with his child and childcare, and your loss of earnings whilst you are on maternity leave, and all the other costs of living.

Does he at least have a will naming you as beneficiary? Life assurance? Are you named as beneficiary of his job-related benefits, such as his pension?

No? I thought not. This man isn't decent father material. And that's before we get into what he might be spending his money on. You will never be able to have a proper, secure family life with him. You'll always be worried, feeling that you don't matter, that he puts his selfish wants before everything else.

You need to come up with a plan to go it alone. You'll be infinitely happier, as will your child.

Look, either he's got plenty of money and just wants some of yours or he's buying shit with his and keeping it a secret. That could be porn or gambling - can't think of anything else, sorry.

What I think you should do is demand your money back and then live separately while you are on maternity leave. He's not going to support you. He thinks you should support him, really. He's not going to change into someone who suddenly resolves his problems and has loads of money.

When you say that he pays the rent and you pay the bills, do your bills come to an equal amount? It seems to me that someone paying a flat rate (rent) will be better off than someone paying variable rates (bills.)

Two words jumped out - trust and rich. I would be concerned about a gambling habit.

Breaking promises to not borrow again too. Oh and the "it's ok as long as we get by" comment.

If it is genuinely because he is less experienced in money matters, sit down and go through everything. Explain he will have to be even more in control of his finances now he's self-employed. Perhaps he's just adjusting to his new working status?

However if he still refuses to show his bank statements, this is a huge red flag.

"He keeps saying we’re gonna be rich this and that, every week since July he’s been saying that on two weeks we will be rich and you won’t have to lend me money anymore, that’s been said since July, and he is still lending money off me."

Did you ask him what he means when he says this? Is he gambling?

Please don't lend him anymore money.

You sound like you have a good base in financial budgeting

And yet in this scenario - you are behaving very weakly indeed

Assert yourself before your baby comes along OP. Sharply

You are having a baby together.

You need to find out where his money is going.

Who is he going to borrow money from when you're on maternity leave?

Does he have a gambling problem? Why is he always borrowing money from you? Have you ever actually asked him?

This has disaster written all over it.

He won't be helping you out when the baby comes, he will be providing for his family!

I'm very dubious about the "we'll be rich" comments. It's future faking at its finest. Either he's gambling or he's manipulating you in to believing his bullshit about what your future will look like if only you stick with him.

This won't get any better. It'll only get worse.

Try to sit him down and make a budget, but I think to be honest you're flogging a dead horse.

You'd be better off alone claiming universal credits. The reason you can't claim is because it is assumed that your high earning partner will support you. But he isn't.

He does not want to show his bank account to me as he says that as long as we can get by I don’t need to worry

1. But you do worry
2. But he can't get by (without dipping into your savings)
3. But you're about to have higher expenses and a drop in income due to mat leave
4. But you shouldn't be having to support his excess spending every month

...so he shows you his bank account or the answer will be 'no' from now on.

Hi all thanks for your advices.

I have sat him down and he showed me his account.
Turns out he is just embarrassed by the amount he spends, he doesn’t want to look bad in my eyes. Looks like he is still paying off some credit cards.
I said I will help him budgeting the money and we have made a list of all the incomings and outgoings.
Fingers crossed all will work out.

Fantastic news OP!

Okay so at least he's been honest.

Not sure about the embarrassment though... he wasn't too embarrassed to ask you for money? So has the money he's been asking you for been for historic credit card payments? Or is he using his credit card each month and having to pay it off?

Good luck, OP. I hope it's onwards and upwards from here.

You need to stop! I was in your position whilst pregnant and I thought because I was helping him he would help me with expenses for the baby. He kept promising me we would have money. The struggle (my struggle) would be worth it. He took all my savings and he didnt support us. He was and is a leech.

You need every penny for you, the baby and your dog.

@Laurashakey

Because I am scared that when I am on maternity I will be taking his money technically, and he will have to help me out, so if I don’t help him out then I will feel awful when I ask him for money when on maternity.. sad true about being independent you think you just have to handle everything yourself.

Are you having his baby? Will you be looking after his baby while you are on maternity leave? Have your earnings gone down because you are on maternity leave with his baby?????

@Laurashakey

Because I am scared that when I am on maternity I will be taking his money technically, and he will have to help me out, so if I don’t help him out then I will feel awful when I ask him for money when on maternity.. sad true about being independent you think you just have to handle everything yourself.

Oh right Is it not his child?

If it is his child then you’re not taking his money? You’re off work because of your joint child
So you take joint responsibility for that.
You lose your income from work and he loses some of his wages to make up the shortfall.

Why are you so confident about how much money he’s making? Stop lending him money, start saving but keep it to yourself he doesn’t need to know.
Move your other money too.

You’re having a child together. If he respects you as an equal partner then you should be able to discuss finances

I hope you pointed out that constantly borrowing from his much lower earning and pregnant partner should be the most embarrassing part of this!

Ops partner has managed to blow all his money, bury his head in the sand, to ‘borrow’ money from his pregnant and lower earning partner, to see her becoming more and more distressed by this, failed to provide for the family he’s created
And still has op worrying about how ‘embarrassed’ he is and helping him.

Though notably he was not embarrassed to say he had blown all his money and he needed some of hers, nor was he embarrassed enough to simply stop spending all his money

Interesting.

I think he’s gambling, what with him keep saying “don’t worry, we’re gonna be rich”.

I'd want to see those credit card statements. Is it historic debt, or stuff that's being charged there still every month? Gambling? Reckless spending on anything else? Don't be fobbed off with half a tale OP.

Agree with pp. I'd insist on seeing credit card statements/all statements.

Actually, I don't think I could trust someone who overspends so much and is then happy to ask for loans from me. It shows compulsive behaviours, secretive habits and bad money management, not things I want in a partner.

As pp said, this could be financial abuse. Op, I don't think it's your own interests to stay in this relationship.

Ex was terrible with money, it's taken me years to build up savings, I'm very cynical now.

@ZealAndArdour

I think he’s gambling, what with him keep saying “don’t worry, we’re gonna be rich”.

Yeah don’t ever believe anyone who says this until the money is in your bank account. Even then I’d want to move it around a bit first to be sure it’s real.

My whole childhood my dad talked about when we’d be rich. He’s not a gambler but he had grandiose expectations. It kind of sucked realising that ‘when’ was never going to come! At least I wised up and got a good job. He retired eventually on a very small pension, luckily his wife is a bit more secure and they moved to her cheap home country. He can’t afford to live in retirement where he raised us so I’d probably have had to take him in if he hadn’t remarried. All because he sucked at money management!

Op, I'm glad you have sat down together. I read the earlier posts which were very dramatic.

I suspect he thinks he has more money but 38k is not going to make him rich.

As he's self employed I assume he is currently paying tax via an umbrella company and will need to submit tax return to claim tax relief on items (tools) he has bought for the business.

If he isn't having tax/NI deducted he needs to know this fast!!!

He also needs to consider a pension but hopefully with your help you can steady the ship first.

Going elf employed from PAYE might make you feel richer but remember he also won't get paternity leave and holiday pay so he needs to factor that into the calculation.

Finances can be a big bone of contention for many couple and especially when a new baby arrives as costs go up and income goes down. He has to be realistic and know he isn't rich or even comfortable if he has debts.