Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers - who were/are your fantasy mothers?

[Fantasyfamily]

Anyone else with a Narc mother have a fantasy mother growing up? Having a low point at the moment having had to resume contact with my Mother as my DF is at end of life. And I’m menopausal so my emotional state is heightened. All my life I’ve retreated into my head where my mother couldn’t hurt me and I built myself a little safe world in which I had a lovely mother….Which got me thinking today about my choices of fantasy Mother (you know, the one you should’ve had rather than the one you got ) Over the years she has changed. When I was young/teens she was a combination of Judy Blume (the books! If only she’d been actual mother but she gave to me my knowledge of sex Ed/relationships/friendships for which I will be eternally grateful) ; Delia Smith (my mother was a shit cook, homemaker and hostess so I think Delia represented my yearning for those things, plus she had kind eyes on the telly and was actually responsible for teaching me how to cook from the telly ) Linda Evans/Krystle Carrington from Dynasty (just so beautiful, had an amazing social life, wore lovely clothes and seemed kind ) ; Wendy Craig (she looked like my friends lovely mum plus she was very kind to children in the tv show ‘Nanny’) ; Julie Waters (so funny, looked like she’d create a happy home) more recently I realise she’s morphed into Mary Berry (career still going strong, lovely relationship with her daughter, kind Grandmother) and also for similar reasons Judi Dench but with added naughtiness .

Just me? Or did/does anyone else have a fantasy mother/family

Linda Bellingham from the bisto ads, or my friends mum who came in from work and made us tea whilst we played in the garden. Still can't work out why my mum was how she was, honestly don't know why she had kids tbh. And my dad too, they were both pretty uninterested parents. I genuinely didn't think my dad knew my name until he quite surprised me by siding with me during a massive argument with mum when I was about 14.

Sorry OP, it's crap isn't it? I think I still pretend my childhood was completely different. The truth hurts too much.

No I don’t have a fantasy figure, but now that both my mother and grandmothers are all long deceased, it is my grandmothers I think of when I am reminded of mothers. I even at one point would accidentally refer to my paternal grandma as ‘my mum.’

I only think of my own mother when asked a direct question about her.

When my mother died I stopped having all the nightmares and most memories started to fade. I don’t associate her as my mother now. She may have been my biological parent but a myriad of women in my life have filled that void.

My paternal aunt is almost like a grandparent to my children, indeed they love her as such.

I think the point of me saying all this, is you don’t have to have a fantasy mother. There may be a woman who has been there for you in your life, a role model, confidante etc who you can think of as a mother-type figure. Therefore not leaving you to feel completely motherless. I know it’s not exactly the same, and they may not have been able to help you much because of distances etc, but it’s helped me heal.

I didn’t want a mother. I actually wanted to go into care.

My paternal grandma was the closest thing I had to a real mother growing up, by which I mean one that had time for me and enjoyed being with me. It makes me sad that I can't think of a single instance of laughing or having fun or feeling safe with my own mum.
Anyway I don't have a fantasy mother. I didn't know that mothers were meant to be kind and loving. It was a revelation when I went to friends houses and realised how different they were to mine.
I think my fantasy mother now is probably me! I have done some 'inner child' work where I meet, comfort and care for my child self and reassure her that she is loved. Every time I do it it very healing.

There was an older women in work who was very kind to me and our immediate boss was like a father figure for me. It was a lovely workplace and I only left because I had to emigrate.

Sometimes I imagine a kind couple as my parents in my home city and I occasionally day dream of what it would be like to visit them and have a functional family of origin.

I have a happy family of my own now 😊

Oh you poor thing… I went through all this at the same time. Closely followed by her six year decline and death. Much cruelty along the way. You have my empathy!!!
I love Emma Thompson’s character in Love, Actually. (Without the shitty husband). So warm and batty. Quite the opposite of mine. Pretty much anyone capable and willing to put their kids first and listen and care… Not minimize or turn it back to themselves as a deflection.
Big hugs!!!

@SomethingChief

I like the sound of that - how do you work on your inner child if you don't mind me asking?

OP you have my sympathy. I only put up with my narc mum because it's the only way I'll see my lovely dad. I have chats with myself before I see them and often have a massive cry afterwards to get it all out. It's very hard.

I don't have a fantasy mum but have had various older female figures in my life that have been very important to me in one way or another.

I have a narcissistic father. At the time, I don't think I thought about it, but now, when I see how much my DCs adore/idolize my DH, and how he would do literally anything for them.... I wish that's the dad I had had.

Caroline Quentin and Dawn French for me growing up

I had to resume contact with my mother when my beloved Dad was dying two years ago, so you and Justilou also have my sympathy.

The consequence is that I now steel myself for a weekly duty phone call to my mother, because I gave a promise to my Dad in his final days. She doesn't know that's the reason, of course, and I don't know which version of my mother will answer the phone. If I wasn't strictly teetotal, I'd down a double gin before every call and a triple gin after it.

If there is one piece of advice I can offer, it's this. When emotions are running so high at such a desperately sad time, please don't make promises that it will cost you to keep.

As for my dream mother, well that would be just about anyone - fictional ones on TV, friends' mothers, anyone really. 💐

My Nan or great auntie, they were like mums to me, knew my mum was highly critical of me and I was miserable at home. Left home at 18, NC with mum permanently in my thirties. Becoming a mum, made me realise she was an abuser she was and that wasn’t my fault.

I went more local with kind teachers and friend's mother's.

I used to pretend I was the love child of Shania Twain and Jon Bon Jovi!

I also had a lot of imaginary siblings to ease the loneliness.

Well I’m over my early morning pity party and thanks to everyone who posted. Loving the thought of the amazing hair any love child of JbJ and Shania would have

Yes to those of us who had lovely teachers who noticed that we had shit parents. They made such a difference and without a doubt education was my ticket out of a toxic home.

@TedsFederationRep that is tough. My DF has dementia and is also recovering from a stroke last week. He’s unlikely to place the same burden on me that yours placed on you. Poor man has had a dog’s life married to my mother but then again He has enabled her behaviour all these years…

My mantra is to lead a full life. It serious pisses my mother off who is consumed with jealousy. My sibling is the golden child who is only interested in the money to be gained after my DF passes on. It’s all quite tawdry really.

Recently my DH and I went for dinner with another couple. The wife also had a narc mother. She sat with her at the end expecting an apology for the years of abuse. She gone none. She described it as ‘the shittest ever ending to a book’ let that be a lesson to us all..

My fantasy was to become an orphan.

My sister! Haha. Would've been possible too. But then she is a worse Narc than my mum these days so probably for the best. Hers was Debbie Harry.

Another one who’s paternal grandma is amazing.

My mother is just her mother all over… Sigg

I often wish that my Mum's best friend was my Mum. She's so interesting and leads a really full life.

My mum is so obsessed with control that she barely does anything any more because she has to micromanage everything. She's made her life so small and boring - yes still has mad delusions of grandeur. It's really sad, or would be, if she weren't so horrible.

Such an emotional thread for me to read and hugs to all you survivors. For me like some other posters I also wanted to go into care. Or even a children’s home. I also begged to be put into boarding school. I didn’t ever imagine having a mother who would love me and care for me. That seemed an impossibility. I often used to plan to run away but was actually too scared of my parents’ anger to follow it through (the irony).

I always adored Bea Arthur in the golden girls and wanted her to be my grandma or mother figure. (Age-wise she’d be in between) I also find myself drawn to real-life parent figures. My ex’s boss and his wife were lovely and I used to imagine what it would be like to have them as parents. I feel a bit the same about some of my neighbours now.

I had a narc mum and abusive dad and only one half-decent grandparent. I’m in my 50s now but the longing for a lovely mum hasn’t gone away. I feel a bit teary just writing that. and hugs to us all.

I remember going on a school trip away aged 10 and friends being homesick. I didn’t understand what they meant.

I also had a kind teacher who listened to me when I was having MH problems and phobias at about 13. She just listened and then asked how she could help. It blew my mind that she was putting my needs and feelings first. That really helped me because I realised not all adults were like my parents.

My Aunt (Mum's sister). My Mum doesn't like women. I used to envy friends who had kind loving mothers

My teacher at primary school. Megan in Casualty. And my Aunty S.

When I was little, I used to wish Sarah Greene off Saturday Morning Superstore would come and claim me. As I got older, I just wanted Social Services to stick me in a home as having a Mum felt like an enormous pain in the arse.

I used to spend a lot of time at my best friends house from the age of 4 and I would pretend in my head that they were my family. She is still my best friend over 40 years later. She and her family saved me and I have gone on to have a rather splendid family off my own.

I will mother anyone and everyone. Looking after people makes me happy.

My aunt. She was kind and glamorous, and my two cousins look like me. I used to spend a lot of time with them when I was younger and loved it when people used to say we looked alike or assumed we were sisters. A few years ago, I was visiting my Nan in hospital and one of the nurses was chatting to me, saying that I was clearly one of X’s girls, that she hadn’t seen me before, and could I get my Mum to bring in a clean nightie for my Nan when she came in tomorrow. It made me feel like I belonged to the family.