Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers - who were/are your fantasy mothers?

[Fantasyfamily]

Anyone else with a Narc mother have a fantasy mother growing up? Having a low point at the moment having had to resume contact with my Mother as my DF is at end of life. And I’m menopausal so my emotional state is heightened. All my life I’ve retreated into my head where my mother couldn’t hurt me and I built myself a little safe world in which I had a lovely mother….Which got me thinking today about my choices of fantasy Mother (you know, the one you should’ve had rather than the one you got ) Over the years she has changed. When I was young/teens she was a combination of Judy Blume (the books! If only she’d been actual mother but she gave to me my knowledge of sex Ed/relationships/friendships for which I will be eternally grateful) ; Delia Smith (my mother was a shit cook, homemaker and hostess so I think Delia represented my yearning for those things, plus she had kind eyes on the telly and was actually responsible for teaching me how to cook from the telly ) Linda Evans/Krystle Carrington from Dynasty (just so beautiful, had an amazing social life, wore lovely clothes and seemed kind ) ; Wendy Craig (she looked like my friends lovely mum plus she was very kind to children in the tv show ‘Nanny’) ; Julie Waters (so funny, looked like she’d create a happy home) more recently I realise she’s morphed into Mary Berry (career still going strong, lovely relationship with her daughter, kind Grandmother) and also for similar reasons Judi Dench but with added naughtiness .

Just me? Or did/does anyone else have a fantasy mother/family

@Justilou1

Oh you poor thing… I went through all this at the same time. Closely followed by her six year decline and death. Much cruelty along the way. You have my empathy!!! I love Emma Thompson’s character in Love, Actually. (Without the shitty husband). So warm and batty. Quite the opposite of mine. Pretty much anyone capable and willing to put their kids first and listen and care… Not minimize or turn it back to themselves as a deflection. Big hugs!!!

Ooh yes great character, warm and batty hehe. Choked me up these posts, can completely relate. One of my friends mums is lovely, theyve got a great relationship I would have loved that. At the moment Its Mummy Pig, I also love Grandma and Grandpa pig lol!!

My friend is in her 60's, she's from New Orleans. She has a beautiful, sonorous deep voice. Shes so clever and loving and deep. When she asks me "and how are you honey?" I just feel so important, like she really wants to know. I love her so much and I love my own (difficult) mum but when I talk to my 'spiritual mum' I feel understood and safe. My real mum needs a lot of coddling and patience. She's not really there.

I've had a few 'spiritual mums' in my life actually. Some women just have such immense love that they can 'adopt' others. Thank goodness for these women!

Phylicia Rashad (Mrs Huxtable on the Cosby Show). She still is, to be honest.

One of my teachers at school. I used to daydream about marrying one of her so s so she would be my MIL! Then my tutor at Uni. Then I lost my way for a while. Now, my psychoanalyst, but in a rather different way.

Great thread btw thank you. Feel less alone with it as I did so often feel everyone else had an ok or good mum.

My Auntie Karen. She was successful as a Nurse in the NHS - children's, then MH. She married Uncle Bob who was in the navy.
Both were so kind, always! They always had a very warm house where the heating was on constantly, their double sided fridge was always full of nice foods and snacks.
As I got older..... they took me in when I needed it, always made me feel a part of their immediate family. They used to take us on holiday camping! Auntie K always listened, always. She listened when I was a teen, in my 20's, 30's, and still does now. Uncle Bob would too. They are the most wonderful parents, and that's why their two children (who I've always been jealous of) love them so much. This doesn't do them justice.
Auntie K and Uncle B are also STILL lovely to my husband and our three children. Love them.

Not sure I had a fantasy mother because I didn't realise until I was 47 that I had been summonsed in to the role of daughter but denied any communication or connection. My mother doesn't rant abusively at me though, it's not like that. She just gives me the silent treatment if I try to do anything that contracts her rosy perception of herself.

I have dealt with it in the last four years by disonnecting. I don't need to connect with her any more. Once upon a time it seemed really important, but now it seems ridiculous that I ever looked to her for connection and communication and empathy. She is so rigid in her thinking. She is playing the part she was given and it's like with the play in its last act, I've told her to play a different part. She can't do it. Ok.

Good luck OP. It's all - encompassing I find. I went to work, I aome home, I sat with the kids, watched tv, made dinner, but I was thinking about her and how rigid she is and how she wo't say sorry ALL THE TIME.

I've detached a lot now. And that seems like cold heartedness to them. Coouldn't carry on caring about them though.
xx

Mine would be Frankie from Grace & Frankie

@RickJames
“I’ve had a few 'spiritual mums' in my life actually. Some women just have such immense love that they can 'adopt' others. Thank goodness for these women!”

Love this!

My Grandparents were my fantasy parents and I'd try to look for evidence of this and that my mother was a wayward sister instead of my Mum.
From age 12/13 I used to fantasise Richard Madely and Judy Finigan were my Mum and Dad.

From age 12/13 I used to fantasise Richard Madely and Judy Finigan were my Mum and Dad.

Me too!! For years.

I'm always been attracted to real life mother figures - women who have wisdom to share or are warm and nurturing.