She won’t be happy for me

[Flowerpicnic]

To cut a long story short I met someone 6 months ago online and we spent 2 months talking every day. We got to know each other very well and went on a first date which was great. We were inseparable after that. Then suddenly he ghosted me for 3 weeks. He eventually whatsapp me to say he had been busy with work and other excuses. He hurt me so much but I was relieved he hadn’t disappeared so I accepted his excuses although realising they didn’t add up. I was paranoid he was seeing other women and was keeping me on the shelf if he needed me at a later date. The contact became less and I felt like I was chasing him. I decided I had enough and sent him a WhatsApp that I am refusing to allow him to treat me with such disrespect and I will no longer speak to him. My best friend was there for me throughout this and although I never got over him, she made me see clearly how unacceptable his behaviour was. I realised by this point I’d fallen for him hard and I couldn’t stop how I felt although I didn’t trust him. The WhatsApp worked and he has put in more effort than before for almost 2 months now. We talk every day again and see each other most days too. I know despite my insecurities about other women or that he didn’t want me, I need to put those fears behind me and enjoy our relationship. My best friend is angry that I am still talking to him never mind dating him and she will not accept our relationship or meet him. I understand she was concerned for me how hurt and I upset I was by the ghosting, but I wish she would be happy for me that it has worked out so far. Can anyone help me please? Even if it’s just to tell me that you agree with my friends behaviour. I must admit I am over the moon with happiness right now so perhaps I am missing her point after so long.

I think your friend is just worried that he is not the one for you, and that he will play you up again.
It is not a great beginning, but you can never judge the book by its cover.
If he is making you feel happy and confident, then he has an interest.
You do sound too smitten. Watch out! Enjoy, but keep an eye on him.
Your friend will come around if your relationship blossoms.

It is hard supporting someone you really care about, piecing them back together only to watch them throw themselves off the same cliff again.
That's her perspective, her support was there when you needed it and she doesn't have any feelings for him (except the negative ones she acquired through you) so she isn't thrilled with your choice.
Whether your 2nd chance trust turns out to be a mistake as she sees it or a lovely deserved chance of happiness remains to be seen.
I think you should talk to her recognising this and reassure her you understand how she feels but ask her to agree to disagree and keep it a neutral subject until some more time has passed. If she hears that you're not just ask swept up in it, no thinking going on and that you recognise he was lucky to get another chance but there won't be a third, that might reassure her.
Meanwhile if she can't be happy can she please not make things difficult in the meantime.

Thank you it’s good to hear it from her perspective without her shouting and being negative. I would feel the same but after 2 months I feel he has proven himself that he is a good person and if he does hurt me again I will know that he wasn’t the right man for me. I am the sort of woman that needs to try everything to its limit before giving up so she may be correct about him but I will regret it if I walked away just because she wanted me to.

Shouting at someone isn't a great way to conduct a relationship, if she can't discuss a disagreement without that then I'm not sure she'd in a position to judge the quality of s relationship tbh.
However, that aside, in most situations a dose of understanding usually goes a long way to improving things. If it doesn't it's time to weigh up if a mutually respectful relationship can be had...

Your best friend had to listen to you moaning about how horrible this man was, she was relieved you got rid of him, and now you've taken him back. I would be as disappointed as she clearly is. This man treated you like shit, fed you nothing but lies, and now you're with him again. It's baffling, honestly. Don't expect her to be around when it all goes tits up again, which it will. This man showed you who he really is early on and yet you don't believe him.

aquamarine makes a valid point, 2 months is nothing really from an earning back trust point of view.

I agree with your friend.

As you get older you will realise something.
Men will come and go, but a true friend will always be there for you.
All to often we get swept away with the notion of love, and so may times we put this man first, and friends second. In actual fact it should be the other way around.
Good luck with your relationship, but remember this man ghosted you, and that's very telling.

I am the sort of woman that needs to try everything to its limit before giving up

Sadly, what this means is you have very low standards. You are willing to be a doormat no matter how bad their behaviour is, you are willing to always put yourself last under the deluded notion that the man will somehow miraculously change. This is not an admirable trait, it's more like an anchor around your neck.

I don't agree with pp that friendships matter more than men. The RIGHT man will share your life, finances, body, children, home and be wiping your arse in old age when you can't do it yourself. No friendship will offer that.

Having said that, it can be frustrating to see friends make mistakes when dating and not be able to do anything. But while I have no idea if your man is a good one or not, I do know that a good friend is always supportive of your decisions even when they disagree (unless it's abusive or criminal) and can offer advice but understands you are under no obligation to take it. Unless you have put her through years of terrible, abusive relationships, it seems a bit much to get so annoyed after just a few months. She is entitled to her opinion, but no one really knows what happens between a couple so you can't force your views on someone.

For now, I would focus on your relationship to ensure he is a good man. There is no need to disclose every detail of your romance to your friends. In fact, don't, because even if you forgive him, they will only remember the bad stuff. In time, when she sees you carry on being happy, she will come around. And if she is a good friend, will still support you if it all goes tits up. She may find it too emotionally exhausting atm to deal with you, that's ok. Take space and if it's true friendship, you'll both reconnect again.

I had this with my friend of a decade. My current bf and I had some teething problems at the start. And broke up. I was very sad for a few weeks but we got back together and it's been over a year now that we've been happy with plans to move in together. My friend was there for me during that early split and very against us getting back, convinced he was a dick, stopped talking to me. However I had other friends who were supportive, understanding that sometimes you need to figure things out yourself. She and I took 6 months to reconcile, but I've realised it was because she had a tainted view of men she tarnished my bf with and a lot of her anger was projection of her own trust issues. So now I don't discuss my relationship with her at all and our friendship isn't quite the same. But we are friends. I'm very glad I took a punt on my bf because he's the best man I know. Yours may or may not work out, but at least you will never wonder 'what if' as far as he's concerned.

I am the sort of woman that needs to try everything to its limit before giving up

This is not something to be proud of.

Your friend thinks he’ll vanish again and that you’re a mug for trusting him which you probably are

Is this a pattern with you?

I am the sort of woman that needs to try everything to its limit before giving up

Huge personal red flag for your own behaviour here.🚩

Would it be fair to say this isn’t the first time your friend has had to help support you from picking up the pieces? I suspect she’s had to put up with a lot over the years if the above quote is your approach to relationships.

Trying to force her to accept him seems futile and you’ve made your choice - you need to accept she’s made hers.

Thanks for all the replies
This is my first relationship in 11 years so no she hasn’t had to put up with this before
I’m struggling to understand the issue with me not giving up on something until I fully tried, I don’t like having regrets and if things go wrong I know I still won’t wonder what may or may not have happened.
We’re taking things slow and he’s doing what he can to regain my trust. I’m not fully over what he done to me but I chose to forgive and try again. I don’t tell my friend all the details in fact there are many things she isn’t aware of good and bad. She is my oldest friend of 17 years so I honestly thought she would just be supportive of my choice as I always am with hers.

I don't think there is anything wrong with leaving a relationship when you are ready, only you know what is really between you. Ghosting is a red flag but maybe he genuinely regrets doing that. Time will tell.
If you have a chat with her and she can't at least be neutral, you'd have to ask her why that is. Tell her what you've told us that age doesn't have the full picture and you're glad to have her care enough to be concerned but that you are going on with it eyes open.

I’ve got a similar situation with my best friend at the moment, so apologies if completely irrelevant / any projecting I do. I’m the best friend in my situation!

My friend is dating someone and she is head over heels with them. This is the third chance she’s given him, when broken up and in tears to me she’s described him as cruel, manipulative, etc. I won’t go in to details but I have an extremely poor view of him.

Our friendship is suffering at the moment. The main reason is because we were both single we used to speak multiple times a week, not for hours but for example if her daughter was at her half hour karate class she might phone me to pass 15 minutes of the wait in the car.

Since seeing this bloke her calls have disappeared completely, not just because the man is a difficult subject but she doesn’t need to call me as she has someone else to tell her news, and that hurts.

So one of my questions is - have you stopped contacting her like you used to and she is feeling hurt? In that case if you care about her can you contact her and apologise (if you can, if you feel like that can get it on track?) and have an honest talk? I think what @PieceOfString said is closest to how I think you can manage it, and say let’s be neutral and hope time will tell he won’t do something similar in the future. If my friend said I’ll be honest with how it’s going, if he doesn’t do anything wrong after 3 months could you see about feeling more positive I’d be more understanding.

Hope that helps, sorry again if irrelevant, main thing is see if you can have an honest talk to get friendship back on track. That’s what mine needs!

Thanks for the view from the other side, we still speak the same amount every day nothing has changed in that context

My best friend went through a rocky patch in their marriage and I heard a lot about that, helped her navigate her feelings etc. Happy to do that.
Now they are in a much better place, she is content and for that reason I treat him with respect and cheer her on. Inwardly I dislike him and can't see that ever changing because, of course, he has repaired nothing with me (any why would he) and now she's happy I don't hear all about the good stuff.
Of course, I'm not daft and know this so I keep my feelings to myself and my head knows my emotions on the matter are my best guide to my words/actions to her.
The perspective of the friend is so different to the person in the relationship even when (or maybe because) you're close.
To help myself I enquire about things from time to time when it would not be pouring and what I hear reassures me and helps me not give him the side eye. 😆

My emotions are not my best guide.

I’m struggling to understand the issue with me not giving up on something until I fully tried,

It's the fact that you shouldn't be having to try, because you weren't the one who did anything wrong.

Basically, you 'trying' here means 'Trying to forget how shit this man is comfortable making you feel.' aka 'ignoring loads of red flags'. It's up to you if you want to do that, but don't expect her to watch while it goes wrong again. If this man was interested in your wellbeing, he wouldn't have done the hurtful things he's done already.

As a matter of interest, why do you think you have to I know despite my insecurities about other women or that he didn’t want me, I need to put those fears behind me and enjoy our relationshi? What's wrong with the other options like choosing a different man who doesn't have form for treating you like shit and making you feel insecure, or staying single and focussing on why you would re-enter a relationship that hurt you so much?

I am the sort of woman that needs to try everything to its limit before giving up

God how sad. And here we have exactly why so many women are in shit relationships with men who treat them like crap.

This mans been lying to you and cheating on you, binning you off when something better comes alone, using you as the fall back and I’m sure you know it’s going to happen again soon. I don’t believe for one moment you’ll just shrug your shoulders and say oh well he wasn’t for me when he does. You’ll be devastated and then just keep hanging on. But this time you won’t have a friend to support you.

As a pp said, it’s so hard watching someone make the same mistake again and again, becayse they are desperate for some bloke.

The only thing I can advise is to try to keep your friendship. The over whelming odds are you will need her soon

As the Corrs rightly sang. Players only love you when they are playing.

I suspect your friend is disappointed you have given this guy another chance despite the red flags he has already shown. Its hard to be happy for someone you care about who is being taken advantage of.

He sounds like a typical narcissist. Love bombed you at the beginning to suck you in and then ghosted you when he got bored (and as you already suspect deep down, was then chasing other women).

2 months is nothing in the grand scheme of things, he's just got you back in the love bomb cycle because you are good supply. The fact that you took him back despite the way he hurt you was a test, which unfortunately you passed.

Read up on narcissm and trust that it's more likely your friend of 17 years has your best interests at heart rather than this wanker who has already dicked you about. She can see the dynamic objectively whereas you are now stuck in the cycle of a toxic relationship that is clouding your judgement.

It might be helpful to see your emotions as red flags, OP, rather than looking at other people's behaviours as red flags. Look at what you're trying to overcome in order to have a relationship with this man. You're trying to overcome your own defenses. Your instincts are saying 'I can't trust him'. Your instincts are saying 'He ghosted me, he might do it again'. Your instincts are saying 'I worry there might be other women.'

Why are you so keen to over ride these feelings, which come from your own in-built self protection system, in favour of deciding that his on/off behaviour will definitely be all on, forever more? Why do you want to over ride the fact that he has made you feel awful in favour of the fact that now he says he'll always make you feel good? Why is your natural emotional warning system of so little importance to you?

Tbf to OP, if her friend dumps her because in 11 YEARS she's decided to give a man a second chance for the first time, she wasn't much of a friend to begin with.. and the friend too will lose her support network in OP, it goes both ways. Bloody hell if we all got rid of friends because we didn't like their decisions, we wouldn't have any friends. It's also extremely emotionally manipulative to threaten to end a friendship because your friend won't do what you want. If your friend were your bf, you'd be told to LTB for being controlling.

I find the narrative that no one ever fucks up in dating and deserves a second chance, bonkers. The fact that 50% of marriages end in divorce means there's a whole bunch of relationships that everyone's friends and families have approved of (and paid for in a wedding), that have STILL ended. So clearly, friends can't predict human behaviour or how relationships will turn out. Or no one would end up with a partner who cheated on them after years of marriage.

This wasn't an established relationship where he cheated on her. They were dating, it was very early days, he flaked, he came back and is now attempting to put the effort in. Maybe he means it, maybe he doesn't. That's for you to find out, OP. Given it's also been Covid times and everyone has been a hot mess emotionally, where even established relationships and friendships have suffered, it's reasonable to think someone may have had second thoughts.

OP, you need to do what's right for you. There will be a lot of projection on Relationships boards but no one knows you or your bf better than you do. Given this is your first relationship in a decade, you will learn and grow and do it in your own time. And if you get hurt by it, big deal, that's love and life, nothing you won't bounce back from.

@todaysdilemma

OP hasn't suggested that the friend might 'dump' her. She said the friend is angry and doesn't want to be around the bloke.

Nobody has said that nobody 'fucks up' in dating.

Nobody has said friends know best re dating.

Nobody has said he cheated on her within an established relationship.

Did you post on the wrong thread by mistake?