She won’t be happy for me

[Flowerpicnic]

To cut a long story short I met someone 6 months ago online and we spent 2 months talking every day. We got to know each other very well and went on a first date which was great. We were inseparable after that. Then suddenly he ghosted me for 3 weeks. He eventually whatsapp me to say he had been busy with work and other excuses. He hurt me so much but I was relieved he hadn’t disappeared so I accepted his excuses although realising they didn’t add up. I was paranoid he was seeing other women and was keeping me on the shelf if he needed me at a later date. The contact became less and I felt like I was chasing him. I decided I had enough and sent him a WhatsApp that I am refusing to allow him to treat me with such disrespect and I will no longer speak to him. My best friend was there for me throughout this and although I never got over him, she made me see clearly how unacceptable his behaviour was. I realised by this point I’d fallen for him hard and I couldn’t stop how I felt although I didn’t trust him. The WhatsApp worked and he has put in more effort than before for almost 2 months now. We talk every day again and see each other most days too. I know despite my insecurities about other women or that he didn’t want me, I need to put those fears behind me and enjoy our relationship. My best friend is angry that I am still talking to him never mind dating him and she will not accept our relationship or meet him. I understand she was concerned for me how hurt and I upset I was by the ghosting, but I wish she would be happy for me that it has worked out so far. Can anyone help me please? Even if it’s just to tell me that you agree with my friends behaviour. I must admit I am over the moon with happiness right now so perhaps I am missing her point after so long.

[quote TheFoundations]@todaysdilemma

OP hasn't suggested that the friend might 'dump' her. She said the friend is angry and doesn't want to be around the bloke.

Nobody has said that nobody 'fucks up' in dating.

Nobody has said friends know best re dating.

Nobody has said he cheated on her within an established relationship.

Did you post on the wrong thread by mistake?[/quote]
This.

But the friend isn't threatening to dump her, she just said she couldn't accept this guy or want to meet him. It's galling to have to play nice with someone who has shit all over your friend so I can understand her POV

OP, I dread to think of what other bad stuff he's done that you couldn't share with your friend. Yes people make mistakes in relationships but this guy is showing multiple red flags. Ghosting for example shows huge issues with emotional maturity and low empathy.

@TheFoundations

Assume the below things mean posters think the friend WON'T be around (i.e will dump OP) if the OP carries on the relationship? And that is somehow ok in a friendship?

"Don't expect her to be around when it all goes tits up again, which it will. "

"It's up to you if you want to do that, but don't expect her to watch while it goes wrong again."

"You’ll be devastated and then just keep hanging on. But this time you won’t have a friend to support you."

Assume the below things means posters think OP is a mug for giving him a second chance? And that the friend can predict what he's going to do next - so does in fact know better?

"Your friend thinks he’ll vanish again and that you’re a mug for trusting him which you probably are"

"As a pp said, it’s so hard watching someone make the same mistake again and again, becayse they are desperate for some bloke."

"I suspect your friend is disappointed you have given this guy another chance despite the red flags he has already shown. Its hard to be happy for someone you care about who is being taken advantage of."

You're assuming, and, in fact, inferring a lot, @todaysdilemma, and essentially what you're saying is 'Don't trust your friend or your own gut instinct - trust what the untrustworthy man says'.

Also to say, that this is OP's first relationship in a decade, so the friend too is learning what are OP's own neuroses/insecurities/self sabotage behaviour regarding men. Given she hasn't been with one in 11 years. The friend actually has no idea what OP is like in a relationship anymore, or how she will cope if it ends - because even OP doesn't know.

So friend has not met this man, is basing her opinion on a 3 weeks of ghosting and OP's version of events - is it really too much to ask that she allow OP to make her own mistakes (given it's the FIRST time in 11 years), and be there to support if it falls apart.

@TheFoundations Well, yes, everything on this thread and MN in general is inferred...

Posters are also inferring he's a narcissist, lovebombing her, going to mug her off, has form for putting her friend through abusive relationships, her friend won't be around to support her. The fact is no one know what he or her friend will do - and can only offer different POVs.

If he wants to prove to you that he’s serious and wants to regain your trust, he should gladly accept that a friend is being a bit over protective of you. If he properly loves you, he will be glad that you have friends looking out for you and caring about your feelings, even if it is a bit difficult for him.

Well, yes, everything on this thread and MN in general is inferred

How is the advice given on the basis of what OP says 'inferred'?

There are no inferences in the advice that it's a bad idea to go back to someone who has badly hurt you within a few months of meeting you, has form for ghosting you, and who you feel a lack of trust for.

There are no inferences in the fact that OP's friend has every right not to see this guy, and that she hasn't said anything to OP about terminating their friendship.

The fact is no one know what he or her friend will do - and can only offer different POVs

OP hasn't asked for people's points of view on what will happen in the future.

You're right, pps are inferring various things, but your posts seem entirely abstract, and, on the base of your abstractions, potentially offering harmful advice to OP.

The facts are, he's hurt her badly, she thinks it's a good idea to go back to him, and her friend is uncomfortable about it.

@TheFoundations

What are you talking about? I've had 2 posts which have explained her friend's reaction and why she might be frustrated, explaining that IT IS OK for her to ignore her friend's opinion and go with her gut (which atm is making her happy having overcome her initial doubts), and that it is OK to make her own mistakes and still expect a good friend to be there. Along with an example of my own situation where my friend's own dating views were foisted on my relationship, and proven incorrect.

There is nothing abstract about that. And nothing harmful - this just a bloke she has been dating for a few months - the world won't swallow her whole if it ends. Getting upset over a potential break up for the first time in 11 years is hardly a toxic dating pattern her friend or posters need to be this concerned by.

My point previously that it is also OK to give someone a second chance, because your gut tells you there is something still there. If someone hasn't dated in a decade it takes time to differentiate what is an 'internal warning system', lust v real compatibility, and what is just insecurity/self sabotage/fear of getting hurt. That is a journey the OP needs to make for herself, and not rely on her friend's warning system that may not be best for her. A friend can point out the red flags and clearly OP is aware - but no one can and should make her feel bad for her choices (by yelling at her), certainly not a friend.

@todaysdilemma

I'm talking about the things you've said. You clearly don't get what I'm saying.

Not to worry. I'm not really posting it for you.

I’d also agree it’s not inferred and sadly I’d bet good money that the op has some more pain waiting for her from this guy. She’s known him six months, four of those he’s treated her like pure shit. I’m sure the friend heard a lot about that pain,

And now the op is all “over the moon” that the lying ghosting cheat is paying her some attention for a few weeks. When let’s face it, the reality is overwhelmingly he’s just waiting for the next best thing to come along.

Call me cyclical but when a man treats you this badly for the vast majority of your short relationship then nothing good is going to come of it.

Even if he's heavenly from here on in until eternity, he will always have prior form in this relationship for ghosting. That niggle of distrust doesn't go away.