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Original poster

Out of order?

44 replies

messylove · 04/08/2021 22:44

I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years and have two kids. I am really paranoid about my body and won't let him see me naked or get undressed in front of him. He says this is weird and I shouldn't be like that. He says he isn't exactly an oil painting and isn't bothered being naked in front of me.

I know he watches porn and the girls are all thin and attractive. I look nothing like them and I know he will be put off when he sees me even though he says he finds me attractive which I'm sure is a lie to make me feel better. Am I being out of order?

OP posts:
Jesskir89 · 04/08/2021 23:52

Bump

username18702 · 05/08/2021 00:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ripley1977 · 05/08/2021 00:05

I dont think you're being out of order, I do think it might time to seek counselling or something though re your body issues. Sorry you feel like this it must be awful. An ex of mine wouldnt take off his t shirt in front of me, I said he didnt need to worry about me that I loved and fancied him but he just didn't feel comfortable so I didnt push it anymore, it didn't bother me overly and it wasnt the reason we split up. Porn for most ppl is just there when you "need" it and forgotten right after IMO, you're real and there and I'm sure he means what he says. Positive affirmations can help I did this myself years ago, it feels silly at first but the repetition really works. All the best OP Flowers

DerAlteMann · 05/08/2021 00:06

I don't mean to sound nasty OP, but I think you need to talk to someone about this. You are "out of order" and need professional help. I think what your DP says is true.he does find you attractive otherwise why would he stay with you?

Ripley1977 · 05/08/2021 00:06

*be time

ShitShop · 05/08/2021 00:08

It’s not out of order to feel how you feel. His response seems a bit unsympathetic but it must get wearing if your loved one is so down in themselves and you’re constantly trying to big them up.

I also hate being naked in front of DP so we use a candle at bedtime for very soft lighting and I try and sneak under the covers before he can see me, although I usually fail! After 10 years I still don’t feel sexy or attractive but he’s still here and clearly still fancies me so I have to accept that I’m wrong here and I’m clearly a sex goddess!

Original poster
messylove · 05/08/2021 00:09

@DerAlteMann because it's not all about sex in a relationship he might want to stay with me because he loves me?

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 05/08/2021 00:10

The way I'd look at it, is that the men in porn usually have better bodies than the men watching too. Better if porn didn't exist, but that's not realistic. If it's a fantasy escapism thing occasionally and just in the moment, I can tolerate/ignore it ( though not agreeing with its exploitation). If it starts influencing real-life bedroom behaviour, I'd be gone.

Original poster
messylove · 05/08/2021 00:12

@username18702 yes we have sex but I don't get fully naked. I have tried talking about this with a councillor but it hasn't changed how I feel. I take medication too.

OP posts:
Daydrambeliever · 05/08/2021 00:15

I don't think you are ”out of order”. You talk about your partners use of porn at the same time as talking about your body issues. Are the two more connected than you say? It may not be as simple as you or him comparing you to the women in porn, it may be about how his use of porn affects your self esteem and your feeling wanted and desired.

Have you always been self conscious or is it more recent. Have you had partners you felt confident with?

Original poster
messylove · 05/08/2021 00:26

@Daydrambeliever I haven't always been as self conscious as I am now. It's more since I have had children.

OP posts:
Daydrambeliever · 05/08/2021 00:30

Is it to do with your body or is it to do with your role as a mum?

username18702 · 05/08/2021 00:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Daydrambeliever · 05/08/2021 00:39

I'm not sure that it's helpful to diagnose op with a "condition". There could be many reasons she doesn't want to get naked or none at all. A supportive and loving partner might not use porn if he believed it had a detrimental impact on his partners self-esteem.

Original poster
messylove · 05/08/2021 10:42

@Daydrambeliever it's to do with my body

OP posts:
Sarahlou63 · 05/08/2021 10:53

he says he finds me attractive which I'm sure is a lie to make me feel better

Does he lie about other things? Or is this the only thing he lies about? Why are you so sure he's lying?

Candlesinthewind · 05/08/2021 11:09

I think it is very common to feel differently about our bodies after having children. I put loads of weight on when my DC were little/young - comfort food etc and I remember feeling just the same. I felt ashamed of my body which was nuts considering what it had achieved. My husband really didn’t care - he missed the intimacy of disinhibited cuddling and stuff rather than my previous shape. But it took me ages to believe him IYSWIM. If you can’t face him ‘seeing’ you naked - and I remember that feeling well - then maybe try to find other ways to rekindle that feeling of intimacy and acceptance. I’m sure I’ll be judged for my choices but what worked for me was buying a couple of Lacy but long nighties, candlelight and wine. Oh and changing out of sight 😀
It didn’t last for ever, that feeling because the penny eventually dropped that DH really wasn’t bothered about my body like I was. Once I was through the toddler years I had the energy to address diet etc and felt lots better about myself. DH was pleased - for me - but so long as we still felt close he wasn’t that bothered either way.
Be kind to yourself - your body has done a great job and if/when you want to try to get back to somewhere more similar ( probs never the same) to your pre-DC body you have the rest of your life to do it.

Original poster
messylove · 05/08/2021 11:13

@Sarahlou63 no he doesn't lie about other things (not that I know about anyway!)

It makes me think that he's lying about this because he watches porn with slim women who he obviously gets off watching. I know he finds women with small boobs attractive and I have large boobs!

OP posts:
DuchessOfDisaster · 05/08/2021 11:32

[quote messylove]@Sarahlou63 no he doesn't lie about other things (not that I know about anyway!)

It makes me think that he's lying about this because he watches porn with slim women who he obviously gets off watching. I know he finds women with small boobs attractive and I have large boobs! [/quote]
I think the porn would worry me more than anything, and I would end a relationship with a man if I knew he was doing this.

ZestyMaximus · 05/08/2021 11:38

He enjoys seeing naked women in porn. Maybe it's the fact they're happy to be seen naked that is attractive to him, rather than what they look like naked?

Sarahlou63 · 05/08/2021 12:32

I'm guessing your boyfriend doesn't have more than a passing resemblance to the men in the porn he watches, especially as he says he's 'not exactly an oil painting'. Porn isn't about breast sizes, fit bodies and enormous penises - otherwise no one would ever have sex ever again and humanity would die out.

Yet he's happy with being naked around you, even with his completely imperfect body. Why can he do that and you can't?

Polmuggle · 05/08/2021 12:36

[quote messylove]@Sarahlou63 no he doesn't lie about other things (not that I know about anyway!)

It makes me think that he's lying about this because he watches porn with slim women who he obviously gets off watching. I know he finds women with small boobs attractive and I have large boobs! [/quote]
But surely you find men with a chisels jaw/) pack/ height/ good arms whatever attractive, and him? Finding the 'ideal' attractive doesn't stop you from fancying your partner.

Original poster
messylove · 05/08/2021 12:44

@Sarahlou63 that is a good point and I honestly don't have the answer to that question. I don't watch porn and he knows that. He isn't bothered about being naked and doesn't really have any gripes about his body whereas I do. My body has changed so much after having kids and I just don't have the confidence to be naked. I won't wear a bikini on holiday either. I suppose what I am asking is, is it out of order that I don't allow him to see me fully naked?

OP posts:
CardiOfDoom · 05/08/2021 13:08

It's incredibly liberating when you finally realise all the stuff you worry about wrt body image, comparisons to porn etc really don't matter, it's just a shame it doesn't happen for so many of us til quite late in life. This is about your self esteem OP and that's what you need to focus on, purely because you will be happier, not because you're 'out of order'.

First thing is to stop putting yourself down in your head, it was a revelation to me when I realised I would never dream of speaking to anyone the way I spoke to myself in my head. The things I used to think about myself would be classed as bullying/abuse if I'd been saying them to someone else so I don't know why I thought it was ok to say them to myself! So I stopped, every time I caught myself thinking something negative about myself I would consciously overlay the thought with something positive. It was hard to start with, I struggled to even find nice things to say about myself but I started small and it got easier the more I did it.

I'm now at the point (20 years in with DH but better late than never Grin) where I can be stark naked in broad daylight with him and I genuinely don't care, I feel beautiful even though I'm 2 stone overweight, have a post-baby body and am hurtling towards 50. He loves me, fairly evidently wants to have sex with me and, most importantly, I love me. You can change this OP and it's worth every ounce of effort it takes to do it Flowers

Run2000km2021 · 05/08/2021 13:10

You are not out of order OP, you are completely entitled to your feelings and to have your own boundaries! HOWEVER you shouldn’t have to live like this!!! You deserve to feel happy in your own skin, and not to feel like you have to hide from your partner! I bet your partner DOES find you attractive, why else would he be with you?!?

The men I have been with varied greatly in how they looked. It never once bothered me if one was balding/somewhat overweight/short or whatever! I am attracted to them as a person, not because they resemble a magazine cover!!!

What HAS bothered me though is men who are not confident about their bodies, and constantly put themselves down. That in itself is far more off putting then some stretch marks or whatever! Perhaps that’s just me.

You owe it to yourself to love and appreciate your body, I highly recommend some more therapy🙂

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