Out of order?

[messylove]

I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years and have two kids. I am really paranoid about my body and won't let him see me naked or get undressed in front of him. He says this is weird and I shouldn't be like that. He says he isn't exactly an oil painting and isn't bothered being naked in front of me.

I know he watches porn and the girls are all thin and attractive. I look nothing like them and I know he will be put off when he sees me even though he says he finds me attractive which I'm sure is a lie to make me feel better. Am I being out of order?

It's not out of order at all - it's your body and you have 100% autonomy over it. It's sad though is that you feel unable to be comfortable in your own body. Baz Luhrman puts it brilliantly;

"Enjoy your body, use it every way you can
Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it
It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own"

If you do want to get more comfortable being naked (both for your own confidence and for your relationship) start small. Talk to your partner about your favourite bits of his body and ask him about yours - neither of you are allowed to mention anything negative.

Get a full length mirror, lock the door and spend 30 minutes a day admiring yourself - do silly poses, shake your arse, pout at yourself, have fun!

Ask him to take photos of his favourite non sexual parts of you - maybe shoulders or your hands. All these things will help you get your self image in a more realistic perspective.

People can fancy more than one thing in people though. I like muscles on a guy but I also like dad-bod for example.

I think the bigger issue is that you shouldn't have to go through life feeling this way about yourself. Also, this body insecurity might present itself in other ways and that could be passed down to your kids.

Perhaps you could start taking some practical steps to feel better about yourself. It could be something like going on a diet. Or even just spending 10 minutes naked infront of a mirror every day and making yourself look and say things you like about yourself. The later is something that was done on a social experiment btw and most ppl became far more comfortable in their own skin by the end of things.

I do not think it's fair to compare men's and women's bodies. It's not the same thing.
men don't have the same pressure to be good lookin, nor have their valie ever been in their look, billion dollar industries/plastic surgery isn't pressuring men. And there are A LOT of ugly/average/can’t even see more than hairy asscrack men in porn.
It’s just not the same. The history is not the same.

But to the op, you are not out of order, do whatever is best for you.
Also, van you talk to your partner about his porn use?
I think if he was supportive, he would stop using it.

[quote messylove]@Sarahlou63 that is a good point and I honestly don't have the answer to that question. I don't watch porn and he knows that. He isn't bothered about being naked and doesn't really have any gripes about his body whereas I do. My body has changed so much after having kids and I just don't have the confidence to be naked. I won't wear a bikini on holiday either. I suppose what I am asking is, is it out of order that I don't allow him to see me fully naked? [/quote]
Is it out of order to not let him see you make because you're self conscious? No.

Would I be in a relationship with someone who wouldn't let me see them naked? Also no.

Your feelings are valid to you and you shouldn't do anything your uncomfortable with. Equally that level of discomfort around your partner does not singalong a happy or healthy relationship.

I don’t think you’re out of order but i do think you’re focusing so much on how you look you’ve forgotten about feeling. If you keep your bra on for example during sex then you miss that full skin to skin closeness, the joy of touching and being touched, the pleasure that can bring you both - and the intimacy of it. I feel that if your sex life is good generally - as in you like the way he touches you and how sex with him is then can you try to focus more on sensation? Get out of your head and into your body and how wonderful it can FEEL, not whether you look like a model or something.

@Polmuggle can I ask, why would you not be in a relationship with someone who wouldn't be naked in front of you?

Here we are again ...... bloody porn. And there are folk who think it's fine. It isn't.

I am a married man, married before Sep 11th was a meaningful date. My wife is a larger lady - probably could halve her weight and still not find herself in the underweight BMI category.

With the kids around naked times are thinner on the ground - it just makes the desire stronger. Yes there are other women around who are younger and slimmer, but who cares when I have my around ? I love her and have no interest in other random bodies whatever they look like.

i dont think your out of order or being unreasonable, because its your body and your allowed to show it to whoever you want or dont want to.
However it does break my heart slightly that you have gone through the absolute miracle of growing a tiny human inside your wonderful body and its left you feeling less amazing. It sounds like you need some more body positivity in your life, and to stop comparing yourself to unrealistic people on porn! As mentioned above, there will be things you find attractive in a man that your DP probably doesnt have, do you love him any less? No course not!

It sounds stupid, but the best thing to do is change your mind set. I use to be self concious because i put on weight. But i made a point of looking at myself naked every day and pointing out atleast 3 things i liked about my body that day.
'Since ive put on weight, i finally have a curvy waist'
'i really like the way my hair looks today'
'my bum looks amazing in these trousers!'

Self love is so important, and making a concious effort to find the parts of yourself that you love instead of noticing the parts you want to change honestly does wonders for your mind set and your confidence! women are amazing, and you are even more amazing for carrying humans inside of you, embrace and honour your body that allowed you to do so! :)

@messylove because a relationship is about trusting the other person. Trusting them not to judge you or be mean to you. Trusting them to love you and find you attractive. Trusting them enough to be vulnerable and open. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship without those things.

If my partner didn't let me see them naked it would be because they thought I was going to be cruel to them about how they looked, or judge them for it. I don't think I could be with someone who thought so little of me, even if rooted in their own self esteem issues.

It's your body so you can show as much as you like!

Your body is amazing, it holds you up, it gives you children, supports you, gives you life. Without a body you wouldn't know if you felt emotion, wouldn't feel pleasure or joy, couldn't hug your children, feel the warmth of holding your morning coffee. All of those things happen regardless what it looks like on the outside. Intrinsically, your body has value and access to it is therefore a privilege. Someone receiving access to your body, has to accept it just as it is. There's no alternative.

Do you want to show him your body or is it driven by him?

Your belief that your body is flawed, will drive the way that you perceive his feedback. You will be looking for a reflection that he agrees with your belief which will reinforce the behaviour of hiding it.

Write a list of all the things that YOU would like to be different in this situation and rank them from most distressing and least distressing to change, think small and start at the least distressing. For me it was, wearing something different to bed and letting his hand rest on my stomach if I was hugged etc. I didn't tell my partner what I was doing but built up slowly from there. It takes time but it needs to be a mix of respecting your own body, owning your body as it is and gradual exposure.

No where in your posts do you talk about fancying him. Do you find him sexually attractive?

@Mischance

Here we are again ...... bloody porn. And there are folk who think it's fine. It isn't.

Yeh, I want to ask the OP, why in your head is it ALL about what he thinks of you. How HE views YOU.

Do you think about how you view him? He's no oil painting and he's aware of that so he has some self-awareness, but he's participating in the dynamic that creates the problem that affects him. But he is continuing on with the dichotomy. Porn for himself. And its legacy on your sex life.

Are you at all turned off by his decision to keep on watching porn?
Does that seem like he's compartmentalising? Does it seem like he's aware enough to understand the dynamics here but he's still watching porn? Does that seem selfish at all? At best he is willfully compartmentalising even though he has an understanding of the fact that he's not an oil painting but that you (for some reason????????) feel very self-conscious in front of him.

Ask yourself, are you at all turned off by his willful compartmentalisation ??

Fantastic post PearlFriday, it's funny isn't it how we only ever focus on our own 'inadequacies' and never seem to consider how much of how we're feeling is actually being driven by our partner's behaviour. I find men who watch porn a complete turn off, not because I'm jealous or insecure or a prude but because it makes me think less of them and I struggle to fancy them, in short they give me the ick. I think you need to turn this round in your head OP, you're not inadequate because he watches porn, he is! If he didn't watch it then you wouldn't have that thought in your head that you're being compared would you? So if you are 'out of order' in not letting him see you naked maybe he needs to think about why, you're supposed to be a team so if there's a problem surely he needs to help you fix it?

That's a great point @PearlFriday and @CardiOfDoom Ive mentioned how it makes me feel to him and he said 'well I never see you naked!' He also said if it bothers me that much he wouldn't watch it!

Op would you feel the same if he didn’t watch porn? Genuinely? Would you compare yourself to other women?

Porn is a real trigger on here for some and as soon as you mention it it sends some posters sky high. So it’s hard to see answers that aren’t surrounded by hysteria about porn

Out of order is the wrong term, of course it’s not out of order, you should never do anything you’re uncomfortable with. However you clearly habe significant issues surrounding body image and self esteem.

On a seperate note men watch porn not because they want to look at slim women and compare them to their partner, but because they want to watch the sex. They aren’t going wow look at her flat tummy or shit like that.

@messylove I think you're focused on something that isn't quite right in terms of him finding porn stars attractive so he won't you.

I find Brad Pitt in fight club attractive (who doesn't). My husband does not look like Brad Pitt but I absolutely find him attractive

Sounds more like an issue with your own body rather than his view on it.

Oh same! I want a man I can respect!!