I am in a relationship for 2.5 years. Because of covid / living in different countries until 8 months ago things have not been as serious but have become more serious over the last 8 months. At the very beginning of this relationship he admitted he had just broken up with his ex and was recovering from that break up, and there was quite a bit of insecurity on my part for the first couple of months about whether he was still hankering after her (although I kept it to myself.)
We don’t live together but see each other very frequently (2/3 times a week or more.) we are saying I love you, and he is very frequently in touch, reliable, kind to me.
I get a lot out of the relationship in terms of mental/physical connection. He is interested in my work too which is great for me as I work very hard.
He has one issue though which always causes arguments which I just fail to understand. If he perceives anything I say to damage how perfect our relationship is, or how perfect the situation is (say we are at a nice dinner and everything is great) he gets really really upset and storms off / gets grumpy/ sulks. I consider myself quite an intuitive person but I can never quite understand what has been so triggering to him.
He especially gets like this if I express any kind of insecurity. Say if I talk about how I feel I am not good enough for something (at work) or if I ask for reassurance from him: today for example, I am going on holiday and I asked him if he would see his ex if she was in town, while I was away. He got really upset and said how could I mention that when things are going so well. He stormed off and messaged me saying for him it was the equivalent of me doing a massive turd in the middle of the table, it showed “bad faith” and spoiled things and how could I deny or even question the perfection of our relationship for that thought to even run through my head. My response is always a bit surprised at the reaction and saying “ok sure. Sorry about that…” but he holds on to it. Shaking his head, sighing, muttering under his breath that he “cannot believe” I brought it up. That “how could I not feel” how much he loves me. And it always ends with him walking off and me following him.
I’ve started ignoring it and not giving him the response he wants and that doesn’t go down well either.
This happens quite a bit. I feel I am to blame but the things I say and the reassurance I seek is actually quite innocuous and normal for a relationship. I have had quite a few long term relationships so I am used to the usual reassurance dislodge. Another eg, last week he was away from me, got drunk and started texting me how much he was in love with me. I could not reply immediately and I actually have a different emotional temperament to him and express my feelings and love in other ways. He got very upset and sulked again, saying I had ruined “how perfect things are.”
Every time we have sex he says it’s perfect. Every meal is perfect, apparently I am perfect. My body and mind and spirit is perfect. But if there is any tremor in the force at all, I have ruined the perfection.
How toxic is this? And what does it mean? I can’t work out if it’s his own compulsion to have “perfect love” and the parameters of that are very fragile for him (his parents had a very acrimonious divorce) Or whether it’s just controlling. But I don’t understand what he is seeking to control?