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Original poster

Boyfriend gets annoyed when things aren’t perfect

67 replies

Stfutfu · 04/08/2021 21:44

I am in a relationship for 2.5 years. Because of covid / living in different countries until 8 months ago things have not been as serious but have become more serious over the last 8 months. At the very beginning of this relationship he admitted he had just broken up with his ex and was recovering from that break up, and there was quite a bit of insecurity on my part for the first couple of months about whether he was still hankering after her (although I kept it to myself.)

We don’t live together but see each other very frequently (2/3 times a week or more.) we are saying I love you, and he is very frequently in touch, reliable, kind to me.

I get a lot out of the relationship in terms of mental/physical connection. He is interested in my work too which is great for me as I work very hard.

He has one issue though which always causes arguments which I just fail to understand. If he perceives anything I say to damage how perfect our relationship is, or how perfect the situation is (say we are at a nice dinner and everything is great) he gets really really upset and storms off / gets grumpy/ sulks. I consider myself quite an intuitive person but I can never quite understand what has been so triggering to him.

He especially gets like this if I express any kind of insecurity. Say if I talk about how I feel I am not good enough for something (at work) or if I ask for reassurance from him: today for example, I am going on holiday and I asked him if he would see his ex if she was in town, while I was away. He got really upset and said how could I mention that when things are going so well. He stormed off and messaged me saying for him it was the equivalent of me doing a massive turd in the middle of the table, it showed “bad faith” and spoiled things and how could I deny or even question the perfection of our relationship for that thought to even run through my head. My response is always a bit surprised at the reaction and saying “ok sure. Sorry about that…” but he holds on to it. Shaking his head, sighing, muttering under his breath that he “cannot believe” I brought it up. That “how could I not feel” how much he loves me. And it always ends with him walking off and me following him.

I’ve started ignoring it and not giving him the response he wants and that doesn’t go down well either.

This happens quite a bit. I feel I am to blame but the things I say and the reassurance I seek is actually quite innocuous and normal for a relationship. I have had quite a few long term relationships so I am used to the usual reassurance dislodge. Another eg, last week he was away from me, got drunk and started texting me how much he was in love with me. I could not reply immediately and I actually have a different emotional temperament to him and express my feelings and love in other ways. He got very upset and sulked again, saying I had ruined “how perfect things are.”

Every time we have sex he says it’s perfect. Every meal is perfect, apparently I am perfect. My body and mind and spirit is perfect. But if there is any tremor in the force at all, I have ruined the perfection.

How toxic is this? And what does it mean? I can’t work out if it’s his own compulsion to have “perfect love” and the parameters of that are very fragile for him (his parents had a very acrimonious divorce) Or whether it’s just controlling. But I don’t understand what he is seeking to control?

OP posts:
Bigtoejoe · 04/08/2021 22:19

Can you imagine your whole life trying to ensure everything is perfect? Jeez, how would he cope with an actual problem? Seriously, life is far too short - get out now.

MaudTheInvincible · 04/08/2021 22:22

How tedious. Why would anyone put up with this?

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2021 22:25

@Stfutfu

Ok but can you explain???
He's unhinged. He's delusional. He is a living, breathing red flag.. The world he's living in does not exist. He is abusive and controlling and you need to get away from him. He will make your life a living hell.

FGS, op, you are an intelligent woman, you can see how fucked up he is, surely?

Physnicall · 04/08/2021 22:30

Run,

Thelnebriati · 04/08/2021 22:32

He's training you to walk on eggshells and be hyper vigilant to his wants and moods.

Please leave him, no one should be treated like this.

TheFoundations · 04/08/2021 22:33

That “how could I not feel” how much he loves me. And it always ends with him walking off

So, right here is him behaving in an unloving way, but having high expectations that you will somehow 'know' that he loves you, and that you will behave in a loving way to him.

What level of toxicity are you comfortable accepting in your relationships?
Why do you feel that you're to blame?

It's pointless trying to judge a relationship on what happens when things are good. Probably about 90% of random pairs of people could spend time together and have fun. Strangers. But if they started not getting on, they'd just lose interest in bothering with each other. And that's how it is in relationships. The closer you get, the more interested you are in working it out when things go wrong.

This guy has no interest in even acknowledging that things do go wrong, let alone care about your feelings enough to try to make it feel better for you both. It's massively dismissive of you, and of your relationship.

But I don’t understand what he is seeking to control

He wants you to be a puppet, on strings that he pulls, to agree with him and validate his feelings. He isn't interested in any part of you that doesn't fit his 'model'. He isn't interested in you feeling ok. He's interested in you fitting the bill to boost his ailing little ego.

merryhouse · 04/08/2021 22:50

Oof, I couldn't be doing with that.

Opentooffers · 04/08/2021 22:58

I will say that after 2.5 years together and 8 months closer together, it does seem a bit off to bring up an ex girlfriend just because you are going on holiday. But, is that because he's actively made you feel insecure about her? Is he still in contact with her, occasionally or at all, as far as you know? If he is, then he's maybe using that to keep you on the back foot, but if not, then you maybe have the issue, and he would have a fair point about a comment like that putting a dampener on things.
But that is just one instance you gave, and it seems like there are others which are more about him flying off the handle unnecessarily. At best, you don't sound compatible, you are bringing out bad sides of each other. It sounds like you both have anxious attachment styles - he's insecure about lack of perfection bursting the bubble and you're still bringing up his ex years later. It must be tiring for both of you - how tedious to be told x,y,z is perfect.
It's hard to tell off what you say how controlling he is. If he's fine about you going on holiday without him, he's not as controlling as some, but if you feel like you perpetually have to match up to his expectations, just end it, who needs that.

Fireflygal · 04/08/2021 23:07

He is not seeing you as a real person but someone he is protecting his ideals onto.

Sulking is conditioning you so you get back into line. He is very toxic but won't be toxic all the time. Given it's relatively early days he will only get worse.

You need to leave before you waste any more time with this man.

PickAChew · 04/08/2021 23:10

So, he has a stonking grant tantrum every now and then, to keep you in line.

Fuck that for a life.

Guineapigbridge · 04/08/2021 23:43

Relationship patterns learned from his parents. Not a keeper.

Cherrysoup · 04/08/2021 23:51

Unreasonable and unrealistic relationship expectations. He sounds extremely immature. Will he run away when you scream in pain during childbirth (should be a ‘perfect’ experience, like when Tom Cruise apparently expected Katie Holmes to not scream during Suri’s birth)

You cannot live up to his expectations, because you are human, not an alien. Escape now while you still can.

MushMonster · 05/08/2021 00:00

Right, this is some sort of messed up OP, I do see two different scenarios here:

  1. Example about you asking if he will see his ex: you are the issue here. Why do you mention the ex? Because you are insecure, because you do not trust him. I would find this off- putting, and I would not feel trusted, at all. He didover-react, by leaving. But I would say, good of him to point out straight away that this is not on for a relationship that has gone on for so long, and it is serious. The talk of exes should be long lost in the past. You should be focussed on now, and your future, together. Something is amiss if you are still wondering about the ex. I would say this to be a red flag for him regarding you, lack of trust.
At least they do see each other regularly? For work? Or same friends? That you did not mention in your OP.
  1. In the example where he gets upset because you do not reply straight away: that is his thing, and a red flag. This time for you. Too much hassle. I would call it a day.
I wonder though, if you ever got over the thought that he was still in love with his ex. Maybe it is actually you, your lack of trust, who is building this situation. By him over-reacting, or reacting weirdly to your suspiciosus attitude? Anyway, it does not sound good. At present, this relationship sounds like hard hard work.
BonesJones · 05/08/2021 00:09

Yeah I'd be getting off that crazy train ASAP.

Holothane · 05/08/2021 00:11

Time you left,

Ozanj · 05/08/2021 00:11

It’s really toxic. You need to leave.

SeaShoreGalore · 05/08/2021 00:17

If, after all this time, and all the good points in your relationships, you are still worrying that he will see his ex the minute he gets a chance - the relationship is doomed.

coodawoodashooda · 05/08/2021 00:21

@Motnight

He is training you to act in a certain way and punishing you when you don't. That's all you need to know.
Excellent post.
Terhou · 05/08/2021 00:22

He sounds like a controlling plonker. Life is far too short to deal with this nonsense, and men who sulk are incredibly unattractive. Bin him off.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 05/08/2021 00:29

you should've broken up yesterday and even that would've been way to long time to spend with him.
he's a narcissistic, controlling, gaslighting, love bombing so-many-red-flags-I-could-saw-a-bunting utter nightmare.

run fast, run far
he's bad news

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 05/08/2021 00:29

He doesn't see you as a real person. He has some ideal of you in his head and you will not be allowed to waiver from that. He will control your behavior so you stay this fake ideal person he wants you to be. Narcissism trait.
Bet he has a temper too.

ThinkWittyThoughts · 05/08/2021 06:35

I'd say first and foremost, he's trying to control the world around him, including his girlfriend. What questions she dares to answer, what she thinks about him, what she thinks about their relationship, how she feels about life in general.

Abusive people aren't abusive 100% of the time straight away. It ramps up, slowly. I'd say the last 8m have been part of his ramping up.

Do not fall in the trap. Just run.

There are plenty (sadly) of threads and posts in the relationships board that will give you an insight to where this is heading.

Thankfully you've already noticed the toxicity - keep hold of that knowledge and run as fast as you can. If he has keys to your place, get the locks changed. If he could possibly have access to your passwords, change them. Controlling people don't like losing the object of their control - so even if you think it's overkill plan a safe exit.

patootie1 · 05/08/2021 06:43

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TheNewBlack · 05/08/2021 06:54

Run. He’s terrifying. You can only ever fall off that pedestal and when you do you will see his true colours.

People like this don’t cope with the ups and downs of normal life. They seek to control events and people as that is where they get their power and sense of self. Who knows why he is like that (probably started in early life) but you’ve seen it so run….

Congratulate yourself on getting away.

TheNewBlack · 05/08/2021 06:57

PS. I met a man like this once. He was a cheat and a liar. If you can’t fulfil the perfection they are looking for you will be blamed for it and probably cheated on. And he will say it is your fault.