He's so angry

[ChiChi16]

DH has been staying in a local hotel for the past 7 weeks. He was asked to move out because he had an emotional affair from Nov - May with a work colleague who is based abroad. DH fell head over heals in love with her almost immediately and they tried to end their EA a few times but he couldn't let her go. I think the EA ended mid April when I saw messages on his phone to her and I confronted him and called her about it. She went over the top and kept crying that she was going to kill herself because she had had enough (I dont know why she was so upset as when they were caught out before she would tell me to give him another chance). After this, DH was asked to move out and he did for 6 weeks, when he came back we agreed we would give the marriage another go but on the day he came back he asked to sleep in the spare room which caused another big fight between us. Since then he had been cold and hardly spoke to me (he carried on sleeping in the spare room). Every time i tried to speak to him he would tell me that he didn't think the marriage would work and that he was happy to live by himself in the spare room, we tried this for a few weeks but it was too much for me and after having a panic attack which his family were called (they live a few doors down) and his mum was told about his affair and I repeatedly asked him to leave (i was very upset). He was not happy but left, since then, I have tried to speak to him and he does not really give me any time and he seems to be getting more and more angry when i call, He wants to come home and we live separately in the same house but we remain civil for our DD17. I have said this will not work for me and he now says i am preventing him from being there for our DD who is very angry and upset with him.
I am finding it really hard to move on, I still love him and wish he would try and talk to me in a calm way. He does not call or text me but does try and remain in touch with DD who occasionally will pick up his call. He blames me for every argument that we have had in the past and has repeatedly told me the marriage no longer works for him but he still wants to move back.
How do i move on from this? Where is the anger coming from? He had the EA and yet he is so angry at me, only this morning when I called him at 7am he was shouting and so very angry.
The OW is 25 and he is 54 - i think he is still in love with her although they are no longer talking to each other. Is he blaming me for ending it? They both know it was never going to amount to anything because of the age difference and living in different countries - And they have never met!
I think of him all the time, we have been married for 23 years and been together for 30 years. If i give him time, will he come to his senses? 23 years is a long marriage to throw away but I can't seem to get him to talk to me. We used to talk everyday but now the longest we've not spoken is 6 days and that ended with me calling him.
What do I do? I really dont want to give up but he seems to have dumped me without a care.

She was 25, he never met her and she lives abroad. What a fool your DH has made of himself. Does he not realise all a woman like that (if it is a woman, and not some guy pretending to be one) wants is money.

Your DH is an embarrassment and needs to be told. He is showing zero respect for you. In fact, he is absolutely taking the piss and you are apologising for it.

Honestly, kick him out until he sees sense.

Off topic, but I wonder if the OW actually knows how old he is?

Anyway OP everyone else has said it perfectly, you need to stop actively contacting him for at least a few weeks, and definitely don't agree to let him move into the spare room.

Your marriage is not going to recover from this. It is not a question of throwing 23 years away, as they weren't all bad and you got a DD out of it. It's about salvaging whatever years remain in your own life, to find contentment for yourself. From what you've said, your DH isnt remotely interested in your happiness, it is all about him.

Get some real life help, professional or a friend, and prepare for a conversation with your Dh about him moving out permanently

OP, I truly mean this kindly as you've had a huge shock and emotional upheaval, but this isn't about him coming to his senses - it's about you coming to your senses.

You need to give yourself time and space without contacting him or expecting to be contacted by him to realise that, while you are desperately sad and grieving the life and husband you thought you had () OF COURSE you have no desire to be with this cheating, shameless, angry, grabby man who has absolutely zero love for you and even less respect for you. That is the person you are dealing with now, whoever he was. or whoever you thought he was, before.

He didn't want to save your marriage. He's treated you like dirt under his shoe and continues to do so

He wants to move back in to resume his cushy lifestyle, because he doesn't want to lose the house and ideally doesn't want to lose face in front of the rest of the world. He could. not. give. a. shit. whether or not that would make things harder for you.

As others have said, he's firmly bought into the narrative that you are bad and deserving of this treatment, because otherwise he'd have to acknowledge to himself that he's done a horrendous and damaging thing to someone he made vows to and professed to love for his own selfish reasons.

I feel awful for you. But stop calling him. There is nothing to be gained or salvaged.

You might want to save the marriage, but your husband doesn't. I know that's really harsh but that's what you have to come to terms with. What he wants, is to do his own thing without having to face the realities or consequences of what he's done.

Rip the plaster off now.

It's over. There's nothing left to say. Instigate divorce proceedings.

@spotcheck

If i give him time, will he come to his senses?

Give YOURSELF more time, and you'll realise you are worth more.

The thing is, you can never get back to where you were.
His anger is a lazy way to justify his actions.

I bet if you think carefully, you'll remember loads of times when you had to bend and shrink to make him happy.

This is spot on.

It's out of your control, OP. The choice is not yours. Your husband has told you that the marriage is over and he no longer wants to be in a relationship with you.

The reason he wants to move back in is because he doesn't want a costly divorce. He wants to prevent you from having what is owed to you, and he doesn't care that this comes at the cost of your independence and wellbeing, and your ability to move on. He is prepared to keep you trapped in this half life until it no longer suits him, purely for his own selfish reasons.

You need to stop calling him. I'm guessing you want to stay involved in his day-to-day life and show him that you're hurting to induce some kind of guilt or regret on his side, or for him to demonstrate that he cares. This won't work. He doesn't care. All it does is chip away at your self esteem and give him further opportunity to mistreat you.

Stop being so passive and take back the power. I'm assuming all paperwork relating to financials is in the house? Take copies of EVERYTHING. See a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. Rinse him for all you can. The marriage is over. Your choice now is whether you continue to allow him to walk all over you and remain embroiled in this misery indefinitely, or whether you proactively take steps to make a happier future for yourself and get the best financial deal you can. There is no third choice whereby you fix the marriage and live happily ever after because your husband does not want that.

If he had any interest in saving the marriage he would have made an effort when he moved back in, even if he was staying in the spare room. Date nights, cups of tea, effort. None of this happened and he treated you badly.

When was the last time he showed you any kindness, when did he last make you feel special, when did he last take any interest in you, your hobbies, achievements etc. I’m pretty sure it was before all of this even happened.

Don’t try and fix him, you’ve tried, made an effort and been rewarded with more unkindness. There has been some good advice about sorting out the finances and mn is brilliant at helping navigate that. What you also need to do is focus on you, do you remember who you are, what you enjoy. It’s school holidays, why don’t you start by a girly day out with your dd, shopping, spa focus on what is important.

You’re not the one throwing away 23 years, he is and if he’s unresponsive to any efforts on your part start putting your efforts into creating a happy life for you. 💐

“He blames me for every argument that we have had in the past and has repeatedly told me the marriage no longer works for him but he still wants to move back.”
Why do you think he wants to move back?
Do you honestly think it’s to co-parent an almost adult woman or because he wants to live in his investment/home/retain all his assets? Your DD is going to Uni, what then?
How was the marriage before the affair?
He’s angry because you ended his fun and he’s checked out from your marriage, it doesn’t sound like he wants to save it. Have some self respect, he’s treating you terribly! I’d change the locks and stop engaging with him at all. Let him come to you when his anger has passed. If he isn’t going to give the marriage a second chance then you divorce.

OP it sounds like an exit affair. Some people have them when they want to end the relationship but are too cowardly to do it.

He's made it obvious that he's not interested in a reconciliation as he's put no effort into the relationship. He's also been with you for 30 years but he's not exactly on his knees begging or doing everything he can to make the marriage work.

As others have said this is his plan. He wants you to continue as housemaid while he stays in the spare room. Then when your daughter is off to university, he'll file for divorce.

OP, it's a massive shock to the system. Finding out about an affair is a roller coaster. Stop calling him. Stop chasing him. Stop asking him about his feelings. Do you know what they are? me me me me me me me meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

You'll look back on this and cringe. Read the chump lady: www.chumplady.com/

Once you've found your anger, see a good Family Law solicitor.

Sorry but I just would not want to stay with a 54 year old man who had an emotional affair with a 25 year old.

I just couldn't respect him any more.

Please, stop contacting him

All you are doing is making yourself upset. This cuntbadger couldn’t give a shit

Time to start divorce proceedings. If someone shows you who they are then you have to believe them

Would you let a friend treat you like this? Surely not. Why then let someone who should treat you better than any friend treat you like this? It’s madness.

I think uou need to stop doing the pick me dance op. I’m sorry, it’s seldom something a partner respects. The marriage is over.

As for the house this is different, it’s a marital asset and he will have rights, you can’t Chuck him out legally any more than he can Chuck you out. That’s a different animal. And it’s something you need to address with a solicitor.

No you shouldn't try and save it just because you've been together for 30 years. That's the sunken costs fallacy. He sounds absolutely awful, he's fallen in love with someone else (with a pretty sleazy age gap) and is now being horrendously disrespectful to you. You would be a fool to take him back, let alone actively fight to get him back.

I wanted to ask him how he was feeling

You know how he’s feeling: he’s pissed off that you won’t do what you’re told.

Stop contacting him. You’re making it worse.

Hope you have not been too put off by the calls to divorce instantly, OP. After just a few months, you're probably not quite ready to accept that your life for the last 30 years, and the future and old age you thought you had all that time, might be abruptly replaced by the totally unknown. And your life partner and best friend replaced by some kind of empty-eyed lizard. That's understandable.

Your husband has had a bit longer than you to paint himself a new picture of his future (he's gone for the fantasy genre). You'll settle into whatever your new life becomes, probably better than he does.
Even if he hadn't done this, you didn't really know what your future would be. Illness, unemployment, accident, etc. can turn things on their head overnight. People build new lives and settle into them.

Get yourself some support and advice in the real world. Apart from friends, there are professionals out there who make a living helping people in your position.

@username18702

OP it sounds like an exit affair. Some people have them when they want to end the relationship but are too cowardly to do it.

He's made it obvious that he's not interested in a reconciliation as he's put no effort into the relationship. He's also been with you for 30 years but he's not exactly on his knees begging or doing everything he can to make the marriage work.

As others have said this is his plan. He wants you to continue as housemaid while he stays in the spare room. Then when your daughter is off to university, he'll file for divorce.

OP, it's a massive shock to the system. Finding out about an affair is a roller coaster. Stop calling him. Stop chasing him. Stop asking him about his feelings. Do you know what they are? me me me me me me me meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

You'll look back on this and cringe. Read the chump lady: www.chumplady.com/

Once you've found your anger, see a good Family Law solicitor.

Thank you for that link! It is brilliant!

23 years is indeed a long time- it’s 92% of the time the woman he wanted to leave you for has been alive.

Honestly, OP, I think you need to speak to someone. He’s behaved horrifically and now you’re trotting after him looking for breadcrumbs of affection.

I’m not asking myself why he’s angry, I’m asking myself my you’re not?

Chump Lady is brilliant. She's very grounding.

This is kindly meant OP

All your husband wants is to live in the house, lead separate lives and not divorce (yet but he will rush headlong into it once he meets someone else more locally whereupon if your daughter is at Uni - worst case - he might try to move new love in and make you homeless).

Save yourself all this hassle. Start divorce proceedings now. You will get a more favourable settlement now when you have a child resident with you than further down the line when she has left home.

Thank you all for your replies. I will listen to my head and not my heart. He was my first boyfriend at school, we then had a 10 year break and found each other again, he was always the love of my life and I know I didn't always show it to him but I was always looking to him to make me feel that I was loved -he was amazing at the start but some of our arguments were never resolved and the bitterness took over (We are both Indian and our marriage was not arranged which his family never seemed to get over, I left my family to be with him and although they disowned me at first, thankfully they are all talking to me and a big part of my life now).
I will stop ringing him and get on with my own life, I have spent 9 months trying to fight for our marriage but it has been only one sided, he has shown no remorse and has continued to treat me badly.
I will most of the advice given to me but I wont look to divorce just now - unless he starts it. I will stop all contact and build myself up until i am strong again to finally end the marriage.
Thank you all again xx

I'm sorry. He isn't contacting you because he doesn't want anything to do with you as you've messed up his affair, kicked him out of his home, told his family and friends what an idiot be has been and are no longer taking care of him.

Get some counselling to help you through this, do not contact him and file for divorce due to unreasonable behaviour.

If someone hurts their partner, it is up to them to make the effort to regain their trust. It isnt up to you whether or not the marriage fails as you have nothing to make up for.

Good to hear that your family is there for you now.
You sound a lot more sensible than your lovestruck husband, OP. You may have felt like his love was propping you up over the years, but actually, sometimes a crutch like that can hide the fact that a person is perfectly capable without it. You could come out of this stronger than ever.

I’m pleased you’re reconciled with your family, hopefully they will support you through this.

Focusing on you and your dd is the right thing to do. Find you and build up your strength. But also build a portfolio of financial info, his salary, his pension, mortgage/rent details. Investments etc