He's so angry

[ChiChi16]

DH has been staying in a local hotel for the past 7 weeks. He was asked to move out because he had an emotional affair from Nov - May with a work colleague who is based abroad. DH fell head over heals in love with her almost immediately and they tried to end their EA a few times but he couldn't let her go. I think the EA ended mid April when I saw messages on his phone to her and I confronted him and called her about it. She went over the top and kept crying that she was going to kill herself because she had had enough (I dont know why she was so upset as when they were caught out before she would tell me to give him another chance). After this, DH was asked to move out and he did for 6 weeks, when he came back we agreed we would give the marriage another go but on the day he came back he asked to sleep in the spare room which caused another big fight between us. Since then he had been cold and hardly spoke to me (he carried on sleeping in the spare room). Every time i tried to speak to him he would tell me that he didn't think the marriage would work and that he was happy to live by himself in the spare room, we tried this for a few weeks but it was too much for me and after having a panic attack which his family were called (they live a few doors down) and his mum was told about his affair and I repeatedly asked him to leave (i was very upset). He was not happy but left, since then, I have tried to speak to him and he does not really give me any time and he seems to be getting more and more angry when i call, He wants to come home and we live separately in the same house but we remain civil for our DD17. I have said this will not work for me and he now says i am preventing him from being there for our DD who is very angry and upset with him.
I am finding it really hard to move on, I still love him and wish he would try and talk to me in a calm way. He does not call or text me but does try and remain in touch with DD who occasionally will pick up his call. He blames me for every argument that we have had in the past and has repeatedly told me the marriage no longer works for him but he still wants to move back.
How do i move on from this? Where is the anger coming from? He had the EA and yet he is so angry at me, only this morning when I called him at 7am he was shouting and so very angry.
The OW is 25 and he is 54 - i think he is still in love with her although they are no longer talking to each other. Is he blaming me for ending it? They both know it was never going to amount to anything because of the age difference and living in different countries - And they have never met!
I think of him all the time, we have been married for 23 years and been together for 30 years. If i give him time, will he come to his senses? 23 years is a long marriage to throw away but I can't seem to get him to talk to me. We used to talk everyday but now the longest we've not spoken is 6 days and that ended with me calling him.
What do I do? I really dont want to give up but he seems to have dumped me without a care.

He's in love with somebody 29 years younger than him, whom he has never met, and he's quite willing to throw away a 30 year relationship. Why on earth would you fight for someone who isn't worth fighting for? It takes two to maintain a marriage and he clearly doesn't want to.

He wants to come home and we live separately in the same house but we remain civil for our DD17

He wants to do this for the sake of his wallet, not for anyone else. He probably sees the house as "his" and doesn't want to lose his investment. From his behaviour toward you, it's clear he isn't trying to save the marriage, just his comfy life.

Start getting copies of his financial documents, bank statements, pension statements - get your ducks in a row. Then divorce him.

If he starts work at 7am then he should be working not taking personal calls

disentangle your head and get on with your life. Anything else is a waste of your time and headspace.

He is cheating with a woman young enough to be his daughter.

What would it teach your daughter if you took him back to live in the guest room and “be civil”?

Ask yourself what you would want your daughter, sister or mother to do in your situation.

Of course he wants to come home & live in the spare room, he then has carte blanche to conduct his love life in the comfort of his own home with you still doing the cooking, cleaning & probably his laundry to boot, and of course he's very angry because your scuppering this by quite rightly feeling this isn't right and a total head fuck, consequently he will now have to dig deep in his pockets to provide himself with a home. Please set your DD a good example of how to conduct yourself with dignity and self worth when a relationship collapses.

Your language is incredibly passive, OP.

"He was asked to move out"
"After this, DH was asked to move out"
"after having a panic attack which his family were called"
"his mum was told about his affair"

I'm assuming you were the person who asked him to move out, who told his mum (not sure about who called his mum when you were panicking.)

You're coming across as a passenger in your own life, letting him set the course and tell you what's happening. Fuck that shit! He's made it clear he wants out, you get in there and take action. No he doesn't get to avoid selling the marital home and splitting the equity with you (and if you sacrificed your career to raise DD, then you're entitled to a bigger payout), nor avoid splitting his pension pot.

So the first thing you do is STOP doing any housework for his benefit. No laundry, no cleaning, no cooking, no life admin. You are no longer a team, he's made that clear, so he doesn't get any teamwork.

The second thing you do is to gather all information about finances you can. Current approx value of house versus amount left on mortgage. His annual salary including all bonuses. His pension statement. Any investments such as other property etc. Your salary inc bonuses and pension statement. Then you take this lot to a solicitor and find out exactly where you stand and what you can realistically expect in a settlement.

Right now he sounds determined to run out the clock until DD is 18 - not for her benefit, but so that he doesn't have to pay maintenance. Think he wouldn't do that? Think again. Have a read through these boards. This man has been lusting after a woman only a little older than said DD. He is currently wearing lust goggles and harbouring huge resentment towards you for "spoiling the fun". He will leave DD in the dust, then blame you for "turning her against me".

Get your plans in place and in motion before he leaves you high and dry with a disadvantageous settlement.

And don't for gods sake do the Pick Me Dance!
www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

Sorry if this sounds a bit brutal - I know you must be hurting and feeling totally adrift. Taking action will not only prevent him shafting you, it will also, hopefully, help you feel more in control of your life and more positive about making the future you want for you and DD

Oh god buy him some leather trousers and a stpid car and let him go embarrass himself turning up on OWs doorstep. Think how tragic hes being and move on to part 3 of your life.

OP I think you are a past me. Married 23 years but together for nearly 30, children similar age. Eight years previously he had had an affair and persuaded me to give it another go but it never really worked. I couldn't feel the same about him and he blamed me for ... well, being me and not the OW as far as I could work out. He left at a time which suited him better and talked to me as if I were a stranger. It was bewildering - he remarried within weeks of our decree absolute.

That was 18 years ago - I am happy now, I don't have to second guess his mood or consider him at all. I know the prospect of all the upheaval is scary, but in a year or so it could all be done and you will be free - and he can have as many bad moods as he likes, it won't affect you. Your DD may well be away at college/uni and can organise meeting up with him herself. Do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling like this?

His anger is similar to a teen having a tantrum because they have been stopped partying and doesn't like the consequences of his behaviour.

He is angry with you because...you made him end the affair, you threw him out, he is living in a hotel, you told his mum, you had a panic attack, you won't let him see his daughter, he has to sort his own meals, he doesn't have his favourite chair..

When you want to portray yourself as a victim the list of reasons for being angry is easy to create.

Have you seen the midlife script?

The cause of this is his entitlement and emotional immaturity. Will he change? Unlikely...if he had a role model in his life to tell him he's being an idiot,maybe but I think these men have usually checked out and to fix this he would need to own his behaviour. It is much easier on his ego to blame you.

He has outright rejected you but still wants to benefits of a family home. It’s over and he’s treating you appallingly - like some kind of handmaiden. I’m your shoes I’d file for divorce and get the house on the market. That might help focus his mind a little and realise that he can’t just run roughshod over you.

He is in love with someone else OP. He wants to move back home because you will do all his cooking and cleaning for him because you are desperate to get back to a norm. You will be his scivvie whilst you fawn after him. He will then get back on line and chat to her or some new ones he connects with. He has checked out of this marriage I am afraid and its now down to you to stop phoning him to ask how he is at 7 in the morning and get on with your life. Work on your self worth and esteem and move on.

The marriage is over; get a divorce and split your assets and both move on.

The best revenge is letting the 20 something OW deal with clipping his yellow overgrown toenails and sleep farting.

There’s no fool like an old fool — he knows it too and that’s why he is angry OP. You’ve ‘shat on his strawberries’ by discovering his seedy habits. . You need to end it— once he has had a taste of ‘the buzz’ he will be at it again with someone else I’m pretty sure, certainly if he’s mentally checked out and it sounds like he has.

Stop. Ringing. Him. You are trying so hard to fix something you didn't break. He should be grovelling & crawling after you - not the other way around. And how deluded is he that he really thinks a 25 yr old would want to marry him - he's her dad's age fgs! You're scared of living a different life, but fgs don't put up with this behaviour. You deserve a lot more. And your daughter will respect you more if you put your foot down rather than being walked over.

@StormTreader

Your daughter is 17, way too old for you to have to put up with his crap "for the sake of the child", shes an adult.

He's angry because he had a nice cushy life and now hes losing the nice house and the maid service because his lies have been exposed.
If he's got any self awareness at all, he'll also be embarrassed at chasing after a woman half his age.

This says it all.^

@ravenmum

Where is the anger coming from? Typically, when someone has an affair, they have to justify it to themselves so that they can maintain their own image of themself as a good person even though they have done something horrible. The simplest way to do this is to blame their affair on the person they are deceiving. Deciding that their partner is horrible kills two birds with one stone: it gives them a good reason for their affair, and explains why it is OK to treat the partner badly, as they deserve it. This new story is built up partly subconsciously, and partly because they have to tell some sort of story to their OW or OM - and come to believe the story themselves. Another element is just that you are the obstacle standing between him and a 25-year-old. Plus, you are angry. And the best means of defence is attack. It muddies the waters and puts you on the wrong foot, so that in the end you start apologising and begging to him.

Yes this. There’s probably a bit of insecurity in there too because he might have hoped the EA moved to a physical relationship but clearly the 25 yo doesn’t think it’s worth all the hassle for an old man.

The best thing you can do OP is divorce him. Get legal advice asap before he can start hiding money

His expectation that you can be separated but live in the same house is unreasonable. It's the easiest option for him clearly. Your dd is not a baby either and could live perfectly happily with parents who aren't together and live separately.

@HardStaringBearFromDarkestPeru

I know you've been together a very long time but please just think about this. He's in love with a woman who was 7-8 years old when your daughter was born. Age-wise they could've been in primary school at the same time. He has no respect for you or your daughter.

Nice. Working a pre pubescent angle into it as if he's a paedophile. He's in his 50s, she's in her 20s.

@ZestyMaximus

You're right, 23 years is a very long time. Please don't waste a 24th year of your life like this.

This. Sorry OP.

Ugh,

He wants to be back in the house so he can throw you out of it when your daughter leaves for university. Probably thinks he can sell it and move to be with the internet woman or have her move in with him, happily ever after, whilst you live in a shitty bedsit somewhere else. And if this woman doesn't take him, he'll just move onto the next one, more likely one easy to reach by car.

Divorce him.

If i give him time, will he come to his senses?

Give YOURSELF more time, and you'll realise you are worth more.

The thing is, you can never get back to where you were.
His anger is a lazy way to justify his actions.

I bet if you think carefully, you'll remember loads of times when you had to bend and shrink to make him happy.

It will take both of you to be fully committed to save the marriage. He clearly doesn't want to.

Save your dignity, start the divorce and look after yourself. Your dd is entitled to feel upset at him, she's an adult and as such you don't have to stay with him for her sake, it's up to your dh to sort his relationship with her, you don't have to facilitate it.

I'd let the 24yo have him.

She'll soon tire of him.