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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help needed with CF ex and suitcase

70 replies

Lilyargin · 03/08/2021 23:32

My DD (16) has just come back from her first visit to her Dad in a year. She borrowed my suitcase which he broke while taking her to the station by dragging it over cobbles and charging around. He is the sort of man who strides ahead and expects people to run behind him.
So, he broke the case by knocking a wheel off. DD asked him to stop and go back for the wheel which he refused to do. Instead of apologising, he asked where it had come from. When she said China, he said it was "cheap crap" and that what comes from buying stuff online. DD said it had actually been bought in China on holiday and he asked which shop. He wasn't asking so he knew where to get a replacement! He does this, leads conversation down blind alleys to confuse and divert attention from the main issue. Anyway, no apology, harassed and stressed DD who had to continue her journey (5 hours with a change of train) with a suitcase which no longer can be wheeled.
I have a broken suitcase and not a word from ex. This is a man who believes he has better manners than anyone else.
My question is, how do I broach this and how do I deal with the inevitable blind alley diversion tactics/rudeness which raising this will unleash?
I just feel I can never get my point across to people who aren't following normal rules of behaviour. I'd like a new case, I'd like the wheel back (it could possibly be mended), I'd like an apology. I know none of this is possible.
I suppose I'm asking for help with dealing with a narcissist, aren't I?
Sorry this long and thanks for reading. Any tactics gratefully received, Mumsnet!

OP posts:

Original poster

Lilyargin · 04/08/2021 13:22

KurtWilde you are spot on, it’s the cheeky fuckery of it that irritates. He hasn’t even acknowledged (to me) that it happened. I’d never dream of not apologising and offering a replacement if I broke someone’s stuff. I’d rather he held his hands up and said sorry than a replacement but that is never going to happen, and asking him to apologise would be perceived as an attack on his ego whereas asking for a replacement is practical. I’ll still get a no, but at least it will making him acknowledge that he did it.
Lying witch I think I’ve phrased it wrong; I’m not really looking for put-downs, I’m looking for ways to navigate his trickiness.
It’s great to get other people’s perspectives. I’ve focussed on the case because it’s an object and if I get in to how he treats DD it will be perceived as an attack and not help her at all. Maybe I’m second-guessing him too much. I don’t think about him that often but this incident has annoyed me.

OP posts:

KurtWilde · 04/08/2021 14:04

@Lilyargin totally get where you're coming from. Unfortunately with people like this we know we're wasting our energy.

RedRec · 04/08/2021 14:06

OP, I hear you. My ex is exactly the same - it could have been him and his behaviour you were describing.
Whatever the outcome of this (and you have had some good ideas and suggestions), I think you ultimately 'win' by having the closer relationship with your daughter. It is definitely that way with me and my 17 year old daughter. You said that you think she is gradually 'getting the measure of him' and you should take some comfort in that knowledge. And you have your dignity intact.

Couldhavebeenme2 · 04/08/2021 14:17

I assume dd is teenage due to 500mile train journey independently. She very soon will realise what a tosspot he really is and appreciate the relationship for what it is. I promise.

Disengage. Completely. You will not win this battle, not even slightly, and it really isn't worth the fight - nothing you can possibly do or say will change his attitude.

Treat your dd to a new suitcase, or see if you can find somewhere that will fix it. Be the bigger person - your dd has already been shown what little respect her dad has for her stuff, if you go out of your way to fix/replace it, she will see that too.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 04/08/2021 14:20

If my dc took anything from my home exh sold it. Toys /clothes /trainers....
Even expensive stuff his dps had bought the dc.
He wasn't hard up.

SixesAndEights · 04/08/2021 14:43

My advice echoes some other PPs. Buy a new one and send him an invoice.

Just say "attached invoice for replacement suitcase". Very short and business like. Don't engage any further. You know he won't respond, but it does at least leave this particular ball in his court.

Then don't give it another thought. Your daughter will soon tire of him, and eventually he'll not be in your life at all.

Fireflygal · 04/08/2021 15:56

If he's narcissist then you won't be able to guilt him into replacing it or get him to change.

He will see it as something he has to win so will not take accountability. If you use emotion such as letting him know you or daughter is upset he will revel in your unhappiness and loss. He will like the idea he has caused you loss and see it as your Karma.

I have to sit on my hands after my dc come back from their narcisstic father as otherwise I'm tempted to email him. The best approach is silence and then he hasn't got any insight into your feelings. Remember they use your emotions against you.

Promise yourself you'll do nothing for a few days and by then the frustration will disappear. I am often so outraged on behalf of the dc but have to have radical acceptance that nothing will change

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 04/08/2021 16:04

I totally understand your feelings OP but if you message him about the case but not about his treatment of DD, does that not potentially give her the message that things matter more than she does?

(And she's already getting that awful message loud and clear from him.)

I know that's not how you intend it AT ALL. But I think picking this battle potentially sends her a damaging message.

Original poster

Lilyargin · 04/08/2021 16:13

Thanks for everyone’s insightful advice. Now that almost exactly 24 hours have passed since I learnt about the broken case, I am less annoyed than I was.
I totally get your point @Fireflygal and I know if I message him he will take delight in being disobliging. I suppose I need to accept that there is no point - but it’s really frustrating!

OP posts:

Fireflygal · 04/08/2021 16:43

@Lilyargin, it is so frustrating but I now know he will never do the right thing (unless it's for image management or there is a positive outcome for him).

Each incident helps to cement the realisation that he is narcissist (and it wasn't you) however I grieve and get upset for my dc. I have to sit with the feelings, rant in a safe place and then acknowledge how hurt I feel for my dc who deserve so much better. I usually say that to my dc who are also older but still question why their dad doesn't act "normal".

CardiOfDoom · 04/08/2021 18:17

There is no cure for your irritation about the suitcase OP and nothing you can do or say will make him pay up, apologise or take any responsibility for it. His lack of care for his DD (letting her struggle, refusing to go back for the wheel, rushing her/being impatient in the first place etc etc) however will come back to bite him on the arse because you get out what you put in with kids and there will come a time when he deeply regrets not building a strong relationship with his DD. It's a bittersweet revenge from your perspective because it means your DD has missed out on being close to her dad too but at least she will always have you. Who will he have if this is how he treats his 'nearest and dearest'?

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 04/08/2021 21:11

His lack of respect for your (HIS) DDs suitcase and not even acknowledging it is dreadful. You've accepted he won't replace the suitcase- I get that pick your battles and all BUT.....you say you can't call him out on HIS treatment of HIS daughter at the station....why can't you tell him it was wrong, that she is upset about the suitcase, that she had a 5 hour journey with a change to endure.... I would tell him. You know he won't admit it or whatever, but at least you tell him with the acceptance he won't do anything about it but you have stood up for your daughter and her feelings. There's no need to engage further, if he even does respond to you.

Original poster

Lilyargin · 04/08/2021 22:54

Wise words @CardiOfDoom, thanks, you’re right.
@Hiphopboppertybop99 I will do as you suggest. As well as standing up for DD, there’s no request for him to enjoy refusing as it’s a statement of fact. It will really annoy him though as he can’t take criticism (and will no doubt try to turn it round to DD - she wasn’t hurrying enough or had packed too much etc etc) but I will just ignore.
Thanks everyone, I know some others suggested the same approach earlier but I wasn’t in the right frame of mind then! This thread has really helped

OP posts:

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 04/08/2021 23:08

@Lilyargin - I get it, you have to go through your emotions (anger, frustration, sad even) first etc then, play your response. He didn't need to rush DD through the station, if he hadn't it probably wouldn't have happened. Parents just don't do that then try and blame their child. You know that, but like you say, you're stating facts he doesn't have a defense and he most definitely should be called out on it. Good luck.

Twillow · 04/08/2021 23:24

I'm glad (in a way) that it's not just me that has to put up with this kind of behaviour! Currently dealing with a case of entitled twattery and I know that he is just desperate for me to engage so he can enjoy standing his ground, and I spend half the day thinking exactly what I would love to say to him but...I know it's pointless so am holding back for my own sanity!

Original poster

Lilyargin · 05/08/2021 06:26

@Twillow yes! I go from thinking I’ll say this/that/there’s no point/he’s getting away with it again/I’ll say this/that/there’s no point /he’s getting away with it again on repeat when a case of twattery occurs.
I find it hard to accept that there is no point.
Luckily he lives 300 miles away, DD sees him a few times a year (less since covid) and I rarely have to speak to him.
Prick.

OP posts:

GrandmaSteglitszch · 05/08/2021 11:18

The point is to tell him that he has treated his daughter badly.
And for you and DD to have the mindset that you do stand up for her.

It's good that you're going to go that way now.

bigbaggyeyes · 05/08/2021 11:30

Luckily he lives 300 miles away, DD sees him a few times a year (less since covid) and I rarely have to speak to him.
Prick

As this is the case I might give him a 'what for'

'Just so you know DD got back ok, despite having to lug around a heavy suitcase as a result of YOU braking it, with no thought to how she'd cope on her own, and the costs involved to replace it, great parenting by you as always' And maybe add 'you prick' at the end.

bigbaggyeyes · 05/08/2021 11:32

Breaking not braking

layladomino · 06/08/2021 20:01

I was thinking along the same lines as @dogfan - you would point out in your message that you know he won't do the right thing cos you have the measure of him and you know he'll dodge being responsible for something.

That way he faces the dilemma of replacing the suitcase, or proving you right.

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