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Relationships

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Original poster

Boyfriend freaked out and moved out

38 replies

Dehlila09876 · 03/08/2021 15:32

My boyfriend and I have been dating 6 years and living together for 4. He’s 29 and I’m 36. We had agreed that we wanted to have kids and get married - a conversation that started about 3 years ago. Neither of us has any children. Given the age difference, we had agreed to wait a couple of years so he’d be late 20s and could have a chance to few established at work etc etc.

Recently he’s been avoiding talking about this and has been very reluctant to make any clear plan for the future e.g. getting married, deciding when to starting TTC. Up until this point we genuinely have been really happy and able to deal with problems through talking and resolving things together.

Two weeks ago it came to crunch time, as I’m aware that I’m not getting any younger and have been wanting to talk about the risks of delaying ttc any longer. He told me that he doesn’t know what he wants anymore, and that although he previously thought we had a great relationship now he is questioning us as couple. He wouldn’t talk it through with me any further and spent three days behaving as though I was invisible, so I asked him to move out and go get his head straight.

Now I haven’t heard from him in over a week and I’m fed up of being stuck in this limbo. I haven’t contacted to give him space to work it out by himself.

My instinct is that he’s freaked out really hard after realising that we really do need to be looking at ttc in the near future and now he’s running from any kind of further commitment.

I think he would be such a great dad and that we would be a great parenting team together - if he could get over this paralysing fear of the future!

Any advice on how to go forward? I’d like to try and resolve this with bf but certainly not at the expense of abandoning my hopes for a family and a committed relationship where the other person is excited about a future with me too. Has anyone else been in this situation? What happened?

Would welcome sensitive comments please, not looking for really harsh word :)

OP posts:

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 03/08/2021 15:39

Give him a time limit (in your head) and if he hasn't contacted you by the end of it you move on?

It's not unreasonable to think carefully about whether having children is the right thing for you and if you have what it takes to be the parent a child deserves. Tbh if more people did that we'd have far fewer abused and neglected children! But you can't wait forever and shouldn't be expected to. After 6 years together I suspect that not knowing what he wants is a lie. He does know but he is being cowardly.

gamerchick · 03/08/2021 15:39

Unfortunately he may not be ready for years and time isnt on your side. That's the reality of the situation OP. You have some choices to make.

Hes left you hanging already for years, do you want to take the risk until your childbearing days are behind you and he goes and starts a family with someone else? It's happened time and time again.

Sampafie · 03/08/2021 15:44

Hes left you hanging already for years, do you want to take the risk until your childbearing days are behind you and he goes and starts a family with someone else? It's happened time and time again.

He hasnt left her hanging. It literally says they BOTH decided to wait until he was older. If OP wanted kids earlier she could have initiated this right after they met or at an earlier time in the relationship. Albeit i do agree. The odds of him taking a few more years and then having a baby with a woman in her 20s are very high. OP knew this when she got into a relationship though, its just sad hes still too scared to say what he needs to. Dont pressure him OP, the age difference was never in your favour

Opentooffers · 03/08/2021 15:47

If he doesn't see a future after 6 years of being with you, he isn't ever going to. Sorry, but to avoid wasting more time that you don't have, the best thing is to move on asap.

AlternativePerspective · 03/08/2021 15:49

At least he’s been honest. Far better that he admit he’s not ready for kids than have kids he doesn’t want.

And given you asked him to move out I’m not sure why you think he should be the one to get in touch?

You’ve told him to go, so he has.

All this waiting for him to make the decision on his own sounds like game playing to me. If you want to have a conversation then have a conversation. If he’s told you that’s not what he wants and you’ve told him to move out then let him go.

PearPickingPorky · 03/08/2021 15:50

You're falling for the sunk costs fallacy. He's stringing you along and treating you terribly, and he can because he has all the power.

Cut your losses, walk away, find someone who wants the same things you do.

CagneyNYPD · 03/08/2021 15:53

I would be contacting him to arrange a discussion about the practicalities. Do you rent or own? Joint or on your own? What will happen to his stuff?

Make it clear that you either find time and space to talk everything through properly or finish. Shape up or ship out.

DinosaurDiana · 03/08/2021 15:53

Sounds to me like he doesn’t want kids yet.
Perhaps time to think about moving on to someone who is at the same place in their life as you.

Zilla1 · 03/08/2021 16:10

Putting TTC to one side, regarding your relationship, you asked him to move out and he did this to get his head straight and he's gone radio silence and you want to know where you are and don't like the current uncertainty. Regarding how to resolve this, you can choose to contact him and ask him whether he plans to keep in touch while he's getting his head straight or you could wait for him to get in touch or you could decide to move on. All have their pros and cons. I'd be tempted to ask him whether he plans on getting in touch.

Good luck.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/08/2021 16:14

this is so sad for you but this sentence jumped out at me. When you tried to discuss it, now he is questioning us as couple. He wouldn’t talk it through with me any further and spent three days behaving as though I was invisible

I think his behaviour forced you to react and ask him to move out, but your idea was for him to clear his head and then discuss it I think

Unfortunately he's shown no willingness to do that or make any firm decision. He's still treating you as if you are invisible.

He's leaving it up to you to make the running to sort this and forcing you into a decision. Its an underhand way to go about it.
Do you think he needs more time? or that you should contact him and ask him to stop messing around and give a straight answer does he want to continue or not?

Notashandyta · 03/08/2021 16:14

Could he be having an affair?

MySecretHistory · 03/08/2021 16:38

It’s a big age gap
He was 23 when you met.
I wasn’t the person at 29 that I was at 23

Rozziie · 03/08/2021 16:43

@MySecretHistory Indeed. I remember being 29 and the very cute barista at my work coffee shop asking me out and at 22, he was just far too young. That's a massive age gap in your twenties. 29 is still relatively young for a man to be starting a family these days, if he's a professional and living in a city, especially.

TooWicked · 03/08/2021 16:43

I think he’s already ended the relationship, he just hasn’t had the guts to tell you. There is no future, or certainly not one involving children, with this man. Sorry OP.

ThePlantsitter · 03/08/2021 16:48

Wow. You haven't heard from him for a week? I realise that time is not on your side, but I wouldn't want to have kids with someone who would be able to completely ignore someone whom they've lived with for 6 years.

I think it's unfortunate but acceptable if he's changed his mind, but an inability to even talk about it is an absolute dealbreaker. Having children is hardcore and tends not, in the short term, to improve people's communicative abilities. I'm so sorry. I think he's behaving abysmally.

MoonlightWanderer · 03/08/2021 16:55

I also wonder if he’s met someone else.

He’s not exactly fighting for you here. I think you may have to accept that it’s over.

GoWalkabout · 03/08/2021 16:59

I think it's normal to have a panic about bringing a child into the world. I think you need to be clear what you need - to ttc this year or break up. And then within that discussion be compassionate to him and if he is willing to talk, to try to come together not pull apart with the hurt of it.

SunshineCake · 03/08/2021 17:02

This relationship is over.

Well done on not sacrificing your desire for marriage and children to stay with one man who isn't the one for you.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 03/08/2021 17:04

@TooWicked

I think he’s already ended the relationship, he just hasn’t had the guts to tell you. There is no future, or certainly not one involving children, with this man. Sorry OP.

Yes sorry OP but I think this too. He's taken the out you gave him (not being critical, you did entirely the right thing) and I imagine as far as he’s concerned you’ve split up

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 03/08/2021 17:06

If it was 'right' you wouldn't be in the situation you are right now.

I'm sorry if that's a bit blunt, I'm not sure how else to word it.

Any pressure you put on him now to decide, to talk, to commit, will just backfire & it will turn in to 'you pushed me into it'.

For whatever reason, he doesn't want to make future plans with you right now.

I know it's hard, bloody fucking awful, but you need to move forward without him. It's the only thing to do that won't backfire

He's not talking, but he IS showing you where he's at with this.

I'm sorry, I know how much it hurts💐 (but it's worse when they agree to what you want, so they don't lose you, but it all falls apart in the future because they didn't really want the same thing at the same time)

2bazookas · 03/08/2021 17:08

Sorry, I don't think "going forward" is going to happen. He's been uneasy for a while and now he's made the break he#s not coming back.

Original poster

Dehlila09876 · 03/08/2021 17:15

Thanks all. It’s been helpful to see from an outside perspective. I think it’s true that he is not fighting for the relationship and it’s really disappointing that he hasn’t been willing to sit down and talk honestly with me about any of this. The relationship I want is with someone who can be truthful and face problems together even if we find that we can’t solve them.

In response to the question is he having an affair - I really don’t think so - we’ve been living and working in the same space for the past 1.5 years due to pandemic related work from home circumstances.

I think I see the way forward clearly now. This is so sad :(

OP posts:

ThePlantsitter · 03/08/2021 17:17

TakeYourFinalPosition · 03/08/2021 17:19

I was you, 7 years in and he wasn’t sure.

I proposed (not fancily). He declined. I figured that was a pretty strong indication of what he wanted; and we split.

Thankfully, I was 26, and he was 28. I’m now 31, married, with my first child on the way at the end of the year.

He knows. He might well be sad about not being ready and knowing this is crunch time… but he does know.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2021 17:23

He very clearly isn't ready for children, and it's absurd that anyone would hold that against him or say he's "stringing you along." He's only 29, and it can take years more before you really know what you want from life. Also, it's not his fault that you're 36 and that time may not be on your side.

Sadly, you both have to move on.

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