Boyfriend freaked out and moved out

[Dehlila09876]

My boyfriend and I have been dating 6 years and living together for 4. He’s 29 and I’m 36. We had agreed that we wanted to have kids and get married - a conversation that started about 3 years ago. Neither of us has any children. Given the age difference, we had agreed to wait a couple of years so he’d be late 20s and could have a chance to few established at work etc etc.

Recently he’s been avoiding talking about this and has been very reluctant to make any clear plan for the future e.g. getting married, deciding when to starting TTC. Up until this point we genuinely have been really happy and able to deal with problems through talking and resolving things together.

Two weeks ago it came to crunch time, as I’m aware that I’m not getting any younger and have been wanting to talk about the risks of delaying ttc any longer. He told me that he doesn’t know what he wants anymore, and that although he previously thought we had a great relationship now he is questioning us as couple. He wouldn’t talk it through with me any further and spent three days behaving as though I was invisible, so I asked him to move out and go get his head straight.

Now I haven’t heard from him in over a week and I’m fed up of being stuck in this limbo. I haven’t contacted to give him space to work it out by himself.

My instinct is that he’s freaked out really hard after realising that we really do need to be looking at ttc in the near future and now he’s running from any kind of further commitment.

I think he would be such a great dad and that we would be a great parenting team together - if he could get over this paralysing fear of the future!

Any advice on how to go forward? I’d like to try and resolve this with bf but certainly not at the expense of abandoning my hopes for a family and a committed relationship where the other person is excited about a future with me too. Has anyone else been in this situation? What happened?

Would welcome sensitive comments please, not looking for really harsh word :)

He got together with you when he was 23 and you were 30. That is a massive age gap in your early 20s.

He's changed a lot and he's changed his mind.

I think it's easy to say he 'very clearly isn't ready' if you're not the one whose happiness is tied up with having children with him. I also think 29 is old enough to actually have a conversation about it with someone you've lived with for 4 years. That's why people are saying he's stringing OP along. By leaving room for hope he is not being explicit enough.

I do agree you have to move on though OP.

I'm sorry, but I'd say he feels your relationship has come to a natural end and he was probably relieved when you asked him to leave. If he really loved you he'd have argued that he didn't need to sort his head out, he loved you, he wanted to stay, he was sorry he'd ignored you for three days. I don't think there's a future for you and him.

Your age gap is really big when you’re at different stages in life. He was barely in his 20s when you met him. You were almost 30. By the time he is ready to have DC in his early 30s, it may be too late for you. The ability to conceive decreases and the risk of pregnancy complications/foetal deformities increases after the age of 35.

You cannot force him to have DC. It sounds like he’s at very different stage in life to you. I’m sorry it took 6 years to find this out.

It’s just different life stages, he was only 23 when you got with him, you thirty, so it was always a good possibility this would happen. However he’s not saying he is questioning if he wants kids, he’s questioning if he wishes to stay in the relationship, and he’s giving very strong unmissable signals he doesn’t. I’m really sorry.

It might turn good but I think there’s a good chance that he was considering ending it and this has given him the push he needed, as he doesn’t wish to commit further.

Give it a timeline, maybe it is fear, but the signs are not good, I’m sorry.💐

I’d also add you need to listen to what he’s saying. He’s said one thing and you’ve translated it to something totally different. None of us know him you do but from what you’ve written it feels like you’ve not heard what he has said,

I think he mig it be having an affair

He doesn’t want children, he knows you do therefore he’s questioning the relationship.
Considering he’s not contacted you sounds like he is not changing his mind.

The first thing you need to do is think about whether you can compromise on not having children. If you can’t then I would give him a ring and confirm that it’s over.

Whether or not he's having an affair doesn't matter. He's told you who is and what he wants or rather what he doesn't. If you have to sit a man down to 'talk it through properly' he's just not that into you and he certainly doesn't want a child. Sorry OP but it really is best to know now. I'd move swiftly on. Don't waste any time.

I’m sorry lovely, but as much as I’m not someone who says things like ‘you’re not getting any younger’ you know exactly what you want in terms of having children and you’re 36 - a wishy washy boyfriend ain’t going to make the cut. This bloke is too young and hasn’t been back to you even by text in a week. Hard as it is after 6 years of being used to someone, Cut your losses and meet someone on the same page

This is so tough for you but better to find out now I guess.

Better to find this out now rather than later. I think you need to decide how badly you want a child and then do the right thing.

It took me years to conceive and until I did I didn't really feel like a proper woman. It's hard to explain when you want something so badly how it can affect every part of your being.
He's not 'the one' is he? If he was he would be on board with you.

@MySecretHistory

It’s a big age gap He was 23 when you met. I wasn’t the person at 29 that I was at 23

An age gap that no one would blink at the other way around….