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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

GFs constant comparisons to my ex

45 replies

jones88 · 03/08/2021 13:55

Since ive been with my gf, she has been continuously bringing my ex up and comparing our relationships! Before we even got together she asked me loads of questions about my relationship with ex (under the guise of just wanting to know what kind of a man I am in a relationship etc) and now brings it up constantly!

Example - 'You obviously dont love me as much as you did ex as you used to spend lots of time with her on the phone and you dont with me'. How ridiculous is this? my relationship with ex was 5 years ago!

Example - 'You used to buy ex way more expensive gifts than you do me, are you sure you love me'.

and the worst - 'you must still be in love with ex as you moped around after your breakup, hope Im not a rebound.'

I know I made the mistake of telling her little things here and there about previous relationship when she asked but I had no idea she would use it against me.

She seems very insecure. my gf is the most attractive woman ive ever been with and she has no reason at all to feel insecure. I make her feel loved and have not done anything to make her think or believe I have feelings for an ex who I was in a relationship with ages ago! She did some snooping on Facebook and found the ex and delightfully told me 'you were the way more attractive one in that relationship!'. she constantly asks me who I find more attractive her or ex, whose body I like better etc. I am getting fed up of her.

to shut her up I said to her 'ive never thought of ex more than I have recently due to you constantly bringing her up'. and she didn't like that but CONTINUED!

the ironic thing is that, whilst ive not even spoke or have feelings for ex, my gf was busy talking to her own ex at the start of our relationship when we had a few hiccups. we got past this. at times she brings her own ex up which frustrates me. an example was I told her about an activity near her house which we can do and she said 'oh my ex used to love doing those kinds of things, he would have loved that'. I pulled her up on it and said imagine if this happened in the reverse order you would have gone bezerk and she said it just slipped out.

I just Dont Know why she acts like this. she acts as though she's the only woman I should have ever loved. I have spoken to her about this time and time again, she says sorry but will start a few hours later.

im beginning to think that maybe she is toxic. her life revolves around her looking good and being the best at everything. when she doesn't act like this, im really happy with her and ive never had this strong feelings for a woman before but im just feeling so drained from it all

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/08/2021 13:57

She sounds exhausting. Break up with her. Today.

annacondom · 03/08/2021 14:01

Oh gosh, she sounds like hard work. It doesn't sound like a healthy or enjoyable relationship. The trouble is, what she's afraid of (being dumped) is likely to be a self-fulfilling prophecy if she doesn't change.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 03/08/2021 14:02

The most attractive woman you've ever been with? She doesn't sound very attractive. At all. Presumably you mean physically. How tiresome.
Women who need to tear down other women's looks like this, are always bad news.

WhatMattersMost · 03/08/2021 14:31

Your girlfriend has problems, and you can't sort them out, nor can you ask her to stop, because her thoughts are compulsive. She needs help, or she'll simply move from one failed relationship to another because of her behaviour, which will only underline to her the fact that she has reason to feel insecure.

I would be leaving.

Umberellatheweatha · 03/08/2021 14:41

Just sounds like a standard narcissist to me (npd). Wants you to be caught up in trying to prove yourself to her constantly. That sort do that. They usually pick one thing out of - prove your innocence/loyalty/trust in them/love. And go over and over it. Driving you mad. Sucking you dry.

The more you focus on trying to prove you are right for them, the less you see that they are not right for you. They know this. Thats why they do it.

She sounds vile anyway. So what if she is good looking? Ugly souls outweigh the prettiest of faces.

Lovelybottom · 03/08/2021 14:44

"girlfriend I need to talk to you. I'll be honest I'm struggling with our relationship. I'm finding myself less attracted to you due to your massive insecurities and need to talk about my previous relationship. I don't know what to do. I've tried to reassure you but it's clear it's something you need to do for yourself. Do you think you can? Otherwise I don't see us working out."

PerpetuallyBaffled · 03/08/2021 15:21

@AnneLovesGilbert

She sounds exhausting. Break up with her. Today.
I agree with this advice.

Life is too short to be stuck with someone like that.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2021 15:23

You would have to be an absolute fool to stay with this woman. She is, and will be, nothing but a nightmare. Dump her today and move on.

SilverRoe · 03/08/2021 15:28

God she sounds exhausting. We all have insecurities but she seems to have enormous ones and a deep need to be ‘the best’. Which means she will judge everything, EVERYTHING, that you do and compare it to whatever standard is in her head. If she manages to get secure knowing she has ‘beaten’ your ex in terms of how affectionate you feel towards her, something else will come up.

Do you really want to have a relationship like that?

jones88 · 03/08/2021 16:27

I thought she would/could change but she just seems to be getting worse. She manages to turn any argument (about her insecurities) around to somehow be my fault and I end up apologising. When ive brought up the matter of her insecurities up she will always say 'well its your fault im insecure due to how you treat me compared to how you treated your ex' but she doesn't see everything I do for her. Im with her every weekend, cook for her, tidy up, take her places, spend most my wages on her and all she's focussed on is that apparently I spent more time on the phone to my ex! when I remind her of the things I do for her shell respond by saying 'so? you should be doing that anyway, its not a big deal'.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2021 16:30

People don't change, op. Stop wasting your time. You already know what you need to do.

BudrosBudrosGalli · 03/08/2021 16:45

She sounds like a totally vain, toxic pain in the arse. Get rid!

MushMonster · 03/08/2021 16:52

Insecure.
Apparently, attractive women do have it hard in love, as many want to be with them for their looks, instead of really loving them. So they do not get meaningful loving relationships.
Maybe she had father issues too.
Re-assure. Pull her up straight every tome she starts. Do not provide replys. Just say, you are doing the annoying comparing again.
I so much enjoy being with you when you let go of this (as you said in your post, really sweet, and deep).
If she does not change, she will drive you away.
Just make sure you do not give her any more fuel!

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 03/08/2021 17:01

Nice idea, but it's perfectly possible she hasn't got anything else going for her other than her looks.

starskey80 · 03/08/2021 17:08

Vain, toxic and a nasty piece of work.

Dump her.

starskey80 · 03/08/2021 17:09

Oh and stop spending all your money on her for fucks sake !!!

That's just bloody stupid.

NotWanting · 03/08/2021 17:11

She sounds dreadful.

She will suck your soul.

..and you are right, it is toxic.

RLEOM · 03/08/2021 17:12

How did your relationship start? You said you were getting to know her when you were getting over your ex - do you think that could've been the trigger?

Either way, she sounds exhausting. All you can do is reassure her and make sure you're not doing anything to trigger her. Personally, I couldn't put up with this. Also, if I were in her shoes, I couldn't put up with feeling that way all the time.

iklboo · 03/08/2021 17:16

Buy some new trainers and RUN FOR IT.

jones88 · 03/08/2021 17:30

@RLEOM no I wasn't getting to know her whilst I was getting over my ex... my relationship with my ex was a while back, its In my gfs head that she's a rebound. id maybe understand if my other relationship was recent but it was ages ago

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/08/2021 17:46

It sounds exhausting, end it!!!

Why are you spending most of your money on her???

jones88 · 03/08/2021 17:49

When we first got together, shed mention how her ex would always be on the phone to her, spend thousands on designer bags/shoes/trips for her, he actually bribes her with trips away and money when he wants to see her (after they broke up, I have actually seen a repulsive message he sent her once and not through snooping either) its almost like she wanted me to replicate his behaviour and when I haven't, she's immediately started bringing up the comparisons to my ex. Its a shame as I do get on with her and enjoy my time with her when she's not being so damn annoying

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/08/2021 17:52

If she's annoying after x months/years together believe me after 20 years you'll feel murderous! You should be in the honeymoon period still surely?

Umberellatheweatha · 03/08/2021 17:55

Its not insecurity- it's control.

You see it often on here, women excusing controlling behaviour as insecurity (even if it were, it still would not be reason to tolerate this behaviour). Well, it's the same thing and there are plenty of female abusers too. And yes, it is abuse.

jones88 · 03/08/2021 17:56

@RandomMess its funny you bring up honeymoon period as she has actually used this phrase to me saying that were should be in our honeymoon period and I should be on the phone to her more!!!!!

OP posts: