Best friend stormed out when boyfriend arrived (PRT 2)

[LouLou3002]

Hey all, sorry that it has been some time, so like an idiot I locked myself out of my other account and have had to create a new one to update.

For those of you who can't remember or that are new here, I had a family do some weeks ago, in which my best friend of 30 years attended but stormed out abruptly when my partner arrived, sort of making a scene.

Up until now, so it's been almost 6 weeks approximately, I've heard nothing at all from my 'friend'. For anyone wondering why I've let it go on so long, I've sort of been going through the motions, I've been careless - ready to cut my losses, angry - at the situation and how she acted and hasn't bothered to reach out, sad - that after 30 odd years of friendship, she didn't even bother to send a text to explain what happened, and then from the top again.

However, I bit the bullet and sent a text yesterday:
"Hey, I don't know why it has felt so awkward to text since the party, but it has. I am still very confused and unsure of what happened that night but I wanted to reach out to make sure you were okay and so you know I'm here to talk, I'm sorry, love you, always x"

(i don't know why I apologized, I guess I felt like a shit friend for not reaching out sooner, but I had my reasons!)

Some hours went by before I received a response, which has just thrown me off again because she seems so angry?
but do let me know what you think.

"Tbh I feel like this message is weeks too late. I’m over the situation and not even sure what you’re apologizing for? I can’t really be bothered to even get into it. But since you mentioned respect, you’ve got more for a guy that you've known 5 minutes but I hope that situation is working out for you. I have nothing more to say on it, so let’s just leave it at that"

As I said, I was thrown by the response in all honesty. I have NEVER disrespected her, ever, so I'm failing to see her point and I feel as though it's just an attempt to be spiteful and petty?

I did respond and just said the below but didn't receive a response.

"I didn’t message straight away because I was and have been angry and hurt too.
I didn't want you to go, as I told you not to. To say i don't respect you or have more for * is really unfair, it's not a competition. I do respect you, more than you realize clearly. As I said I’ve always got you, I don’t know why you assume any different."

For me, I feel angry again, I don't understand how in this situation she has embodied this victim's personality. I think it's unfair, a part of me thinks that 30 years of friendship is worth fighting for (although she hasn't responded) the other part is telling me to leave it now and to let it go.

Please do let me know your thoughts on this? so many people were incredibly helpful the last time I posted. I guess I just need some clarity.

Thanks,
Lou

Lou - that friendship is dead in the water.

Unless your BF is an absolute monster your BFF is actiing like a child, is jealous, downright daft.

Move on. You really don't need to feel so bad about someone elses hangups!

She's barking. I'd let the friendship go.

She sounds very jealous of your bf!! Xx

I’d definitely let it go, you’ve already been far too nice to her x

@CuriousaboutSamphire Thanks for the quick response!

Honestly, I do think that is the case, I just feel as though it is a real shame. I don't recognize her recently.

He really isn't a monster, which is what baffles me even more! it all does just feel so childish and I haven't got time for it.

@WildingFae Thank you!

@Luckymummytoone Right? I don't understand where the jealousy stems from because I have always had time for her. I don't know, I tried to handle the situation maturely, she's not ready to do that. So yeah ill leave it now x

Yes definitely not a mature response - just shows she’s still very much in the same head frame and hasn’t took any responsibility for her childish behaviour. I had a friend very similar to this! She turned very weird and we obviously don’t speak now, a shame but far less drama 🤭

Leave her alone now. You have your point of view, she has hers. Its done.

For what its worth, based on your previous thread I think there is a lot more to this than just writing her off as crazy. But realistically you'll never know now because she doesn't want to continue the friendship. You need to respect that and move on.

@Luckymummytoone Thank you, hun, I do think it is just childish and she definitely has not taken any responsibility. It is a shame when friendships end, but I guess it happens x

PinkyPunkyHairdoo I didn't write her off as crazy? from my other thread you would have seen I attempted several conversations with her over the 5 years he and I had been together, to find out what the issue was, I was never given an answer.

If she can not be honest and open with you about what lead her to behave in this way towards you, after 30yrs of friendship shows how much respect she has for you.
I would let the friendship go!

Perhaps it was too traumatic for her. Whatever it was you need to move on.

Your first text was fine but your second one was making it seem like you were looking for drama. Her response was to leave her alone as she had nothing more to say. You should have respected that. Your need to fight for the friendship doesn't trump her request to be left alone.

@Summer7 That's why I thought it was rich she mentioned respect because I have always been respectful. In hindsight, she wanted me to uninvite my partner so that she had my undivided attention when it was never about it. If it was her birthday I would understand, but at my mum's birthday and the anniversary of my dad's passing, I don't think it's excusable not even to get an apology.

@PinkyPunkyHairdoo I understand that and I can certainly respect boundaries if the relationship is over it's over and she will be left alone.

In our relationship, she often has mood swings and I just brush it off and accept it, so in this case, my response was more so sticking up for myself, her behaviour was shitty, she made herself the victim in this situation, I didn't.

Hi Lou,

You’re best rid of this friend, I was in the same boat a few years ago. We had been friends for over 15 years..I was always the single one for over 10years..could jump when it suited everybody else..but then I met my husband unexpectedly..everybody soon changed..as I wasn’t jumping and doing things to suit everybody else I was the bad one. But good luck to them all xx

I would be prepared to walk about from this stressful friendship but I would need to have my say -

Friend, I need to have my say here, feel free to ignore but if you want to reply I would be happy to hear it. I don't understand your last message. You behaved very badly the last time I saw you. It was my mum's birthday / dad's anniversary and you stormed off with no explanation. You have never given any justification for your attitude to my boyfriend. I am completely in the dark as to what your problem is. You are now adding the fact I haven't contacted you onto your list of grievances but I felt an apology / explanation was due from you. I reached out to you regardless as we have been good friends for a long time. I will leave it there now and if I don't hear from you accept that you are not prepared to share your reasons with me.

Your first text was fine but your second one was making it seem like you were looking for drama. Her response was to leave her alone as she had nothing more to say. You should have respected that. Your need to fight for the friendship doesn't trump her request to be left alone.

@PinkyPunkyHairdoo I saw it as OP has written in her OP, she is understandably angry at her friend making a social situation unpleasant for no apparent reason.

Also she doesn't have a clue what's going on and her friend's response doesn't let her know at all. Of course her friend has a right to be left alone. The friend, though, is accusing OP of somehow doing something wrong, disrespecting her. It is upsetting/frustrating to be accused of doing something wrong when you don't know what it is- someone actually storming out over nothing that OP's aware of.

Unless he's somehow abused/been unpleasant to her in some way @LouLou3002 I can't see any explanation for her actions. Though obviously that still wouldn't mean you did anything wrong as you don't know about it.

Or maybe it's just the age old story, that she thinks you don't bother with her now you have a boyfriend? (I'm not saying she's right in thinking that, but it could be an explanation.)

If she doesn't want to talk about it I don't see what you can do it. The more you push it the more aggro she'll get, as she'll see your claims that you don't know what you've done as insincere, because she thinks you do know and are knowingly 'disrespecting' her.

She comes across as a bit of a chav with anger issues TBH, unless there's something genuinely worth her being annoyed about that you don't know about, like he's slagged her off or abused her or something.

Are there any friends you have in common with her, who she might've mentioned what her problem is to, and they might be able to tell you?

she wanted me to uninvite my partner so that she had my undivided attention

Do you think she might fancy you?

In our relationship, she often has mood swings and I just brush it off and accept it, so in this case, my response was more so sticking up for myself, her behaviour was shitty, she made herself the victim in this situation, I didn't.

Well done for sticking up for yourself. If variations on these strops have happened in the past, not just about your boyfriend, it sounds like she has a personality disorder.

You've been with your bf for 5 years, that's not a flash in the pan. Your friend is jealous and isn't emotionally mature enough to be able to deal with it.

Just cut contact with her now, you've reached out with an olive branch, when it should have been her reaching out to you with an apology, she's thrown it back at you. You know where you stand, block and move on. She won't ever see this from any other perspective than her own. She thinks she's the victim and nothing you say will change that.

I think she may be accusing you of not respecting her because you know she doesn't like your dp but went ahead and invited him to a significant family occasion. She'd been around longer than he has and she thinks she is more part of the family than he is and has more right to be there. In her mind, you chose to invite dp over respecting her wishes not to have him there, so you put him first.

This is obviously ridiculous. Her attachment to you is v unhealthy. You've tried your best but she's still stuck in the same groove and won't be budged from her unreasonable expectations. Do you think she took against dp from the start because he seemed more likely to last than other boyfriends, and was therefore more of a threat to her?

Whatever, this is the end of the line for her. Sad, but true.

I think she's in love with you and can't handle it.

Your friend is jealous and won't be happy for you in a relationship ever. Let her go she's no friend if she can't explain herself.

I like @Lovelybottom's reply.

You have done all you can @LouLou3002. Your friend has behaved unreasonably and refuses to tell you why. It's frustrating and sad, but your friendship cannot continue like this.

I remember your last thread and to be honest I think you would have been better just leaving it, as you had done nothing wrong.

But, you got in touch again and tried to make things right, and she has proved again (if you needed more proof) that she has a warped view of the situation, is jealous that you have a serious bf, and isn't going to become reasonable suddenly.

It's not you, it's her. I would draw a line and walk away. If nothing else you have a clear conscience that you tried to make it right and she wasn't up for it.

OP you're flogging a dead horse here.

You were told multiple times on the previous thread that her reaction had nothing to do with you or your boyfriend and everything to do with her.

Why are you apologising to her for something which was totally engineered by her in the first place? In doing this you're basically giving her the upper hand and admitting you have done something wrong. Which you haven't.

It's hard to say goodbye to a long friendship but this person has shown you time and time again that she's jealous, irrational and controlling. You need to bite the bullet and move on.

@Panda8383 Thank you Panda, that is very interesting, I mentioned in my previous post that I had been with guys here and there but was never anything serious, and my last relationship turned to shit, so maybe she didn't like that I wasn't at her beck and call anymore? As you said, good luck to them, they aren't friends if they cant be happy for you.

@Lovelybottom I agree completely and I hate that feeling but I do feel as though there is more for me to say so that I'm satisfied. But I also do just think it's not worth it. I do just want this all to be over now x

@me4real Thank you so much for that response! you are amazing.
That would justify it for sure but that's not the case, she knows I'm a safe space and we have both been open about so much traumatic stuff we have experienced, she would have told me at the beginning I'm certain.

I do think it's a case of realizing it's a lot more serious than she had anticipated and maybe she feels pushed out, as you said. But I thought she knew me and knew that I would never and have never deserted her. I have made it very clear my door is always open to her.

That is how it comes across which pisses me off so much more, I thought we were better than that. All I've wanted is a mature, adult conversation and to live a peaceful life, I shouldn't have to pick between the two of them for that to happen.

We do have friends in common, yes but she is not as close with them so I don't think she would have confided in them about the situation. They all think it's really odd too, a few of them have spoken to her and she didn't even mention that there was a problem, just completely avoided it!

Regarding her fancying me, I really can't see it although a few other commenters did suggest this. I have only ever known her to be attracted to and date men but who knows? I felt as though I could talk to them about anything, so clearly we aren't on the same page, and she can't talk to me.
xx

@bigbaggyeyes That is literally it! I tried and my efforts were thrown back in my face which is very hurtful.
I know what she's like and I feel as though she has done this because she wants me to hurt and chase after her, but I'm not going to do that. I think this will end up being a situation where she is "cutting off her nose to spite her face".

@Thymeout I think you couldn't have worded it any better and that sounds to me what the issue is. How on earth is that logical to anyone? I would never expect that of her in her own home?

Yes, you may be right, now looking at it, in the beginning, although not fond of him, she didn't resent nor hate him as much as she does now.
Maybe she didn't anticipate that the relationship would become serious, but surely she should be happy with me. I feel like she's not a friend and wants me to be miserable.