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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have you ever felt suffocated? Worried I do this!

37 replies

Funchs · 03/08/2021 11:15

I think I do this. I think I can be overbearing. Early in my relationship I would empty and load the dishwater and put a wash on when DP was in work and I was working from home. I would leave food for him sometimes. I would put flowers in the hallway. I would make the bed immaculately, leave notes or a bottle of his favourite beer in the fridge etc etc. I would arrange trips and send him plans of where to go. I guess part of this was I didn’t have many money worries so buying the odd thing or booking a trip wasn’t a big deal financially. But I know all of what I did was rooted in the idea of ‘please like me back.‘ blush

After a while I got the sense that the appreciation for what I was doing was not really there (understandable if someone is doing this all the time!).

It’s in my nature to want to do things for others and I sense I do this too much so it actually becomes overbearing. I still WANT to do all these things but I hold back as much as I can. It goes against what I feel and want to do.

Just wondering if you’re on the other side of this, how it makes you feel? Would this be too much for you?

(Posted in chat and realised this was better forum for the topic!)

OP posts:
spanishlinnet · 03/08/2021 11:21

It would make me feel great! But what you described - with the exception of making plans specifically for him telling him where to go on trips - is normal in my world. I do these things not because I want to be liked though. I'm a bit confused by your post. Has someone complained to you?

Original poster
Funchs · 03/08/2021 11:23

@spanishlinnet no nobody has complained other than I have been told by friends I do too much in my relationships and one ex boyfriend (a long time ago) said I focused too much and cared too much about my relationships (when we were in the process of breaking up…). That may have been more about me wanting to really make things work when he moved jobs/location though.

With my current partner I just want to do all I can to make his life better. Most of what I do is with him in mind. He made a comment a while ago that he enjoyed doing his own washing too sometimes. Not said in a nasty way, we were just discussing what house chores we didn’t mind doing. It made me think perhaps I am overbearing. Not sure…

OP posts:
Original poster
Funchs · 03/08/2021 11:24

@spanishlinnet I do it because I want him to be happy but also there is an element of feeling like I deserve to be loved if I do these things, like I’ve earned it. I think that’s the toxic bit maybe…

OP posts:
spanishlinnet · 03/08/2021 11:28

You sound bloody wonderful! Yes you need to rid yourself of those toxic thoughts. You deserve to be loved regardless, and happy days for the person who ends up being your partner because your compassionate nature is the cherry on top. I think you're over-thinking it and you're really just a naturally giving person.

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 03/08/2021 11:28

Are you living in these houses?

If not, while I appreciate a helping hand from a visiting partner, I'd find just taking over housework, and putting their stamp on my home, rather presumptuous.

Crikeyalmighty · 03/08/2021 11:29

I havent been the recipient of this type of thing (lucky person by the way) and you sound lovely- like you I have always been the giver, I did similar things. . I have however been on the end of smothering by someone with regards to hogging all your time, calls, wanting to be with you all the time, allowing little autonomy, thats really not so nice.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 03/08/2021 11:30

Were you doing all those housework things and flowers etc in HIS house or were you living together?

In a new relationship, I would've found most of those things pretty intrusive tbh. Like someone inserting themselves into my space.

You say he doesn't appreciate it but is it more that you need to feel appreciated or would like someone who will do nice things for you too?

ArsenicNLace · 03/08/2021 11:31

I think one concern could be that if this progresses and you live together/ start a family there will be an expectation that you will in effect be his PA because you've always done it.

Women, and it generally is women, seem to love playing the little housewife at first. Doing everything for 'their man' like marking their territory and hoping it'll make them indispensable.

They are then completely horrified and bemused that when circumstances change (eg they have children) that the boyfriend/husband still expects them to continue as before.

Original poster
Funchs · 03/08/2021 11:32

@spanishlinnet thanks that’s kind of you to say!!

@Hollyhocksarenotmessy no not in the same place. I stay more with him than him with me as I work remotely. I tend to just do things that I think would be nice but have started to worry he feels under pressure to be saying thank you etc or I don’t know really. I worry a lot.

@Crikeyalmighty yeah I try not to do that sort of thing. Not too many texts etc. I think I do ok on that front but I guess organising trips and tickets to theatre etc might be seen as controlling someone’s time?

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 03/08/2021 11:32

I would give someone’s housework a miss though if they actually like doing some stuff themselves— a guy who likes doing his washing! That’s a rarity

AtrociousCircumstance · 03/08/2021 11:34

Does he do nice things for you?

BatmanBaby · 03/08/2021 11:36

I would hate someone doing my washing when we're not actually living together! Same with the dishwasher, unless they were helping me clear up after sharing a meal etc!

The beers and notes would be lovely. Trips: it depends, do you say 'do you want do do something on x date' or 'would you like to go do y'? Or do you completly take over and tell them when and where they are going?

Original poster
Funchs · 03/08/2021 11:36

@AtrociousCircumstance yes he does. I am just too much I think sometimes. I just wonder how it would feel, whether it’s overbearing.

I’ve stopped with the washing a few months back, left him to that one Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Funchs · 03/08/2021 11:37

@BatmanBaby I make a suggestion with trips and have booked things on booking. Com and said we can cancel. He’s not very organised though so if I didn’t do that I’m not sure anything would ever be booked at all…

OP posts:
BatmanBaby · 03/08/2021 11:38

Trip wise that sounds lovely then :) I know I tend to take over the planning of dates etc much to my fiance's frustration at times lol

Branleuse · 03/08/2021 11:41

I think you sound lovely and romantic and thoughtful but in my opinion and experience, if you do this for someone that doesnt do the same for you, then they start expecting it and believing their own hype, and you get taken advantage of. You need to be careful if youre naturally a giver, as takers are much more common

Shurl · 03/08/2021 11:41

I have to say, if my partner did this (and we didn't live together) I would find it overbearing. Especially the house work. I am quite private about my house though and a bit prickly: I would see it as a judgement on my cleanliness or ability to manage my house.

Whether the rest is too much would depend on how often this was, I could potentially feel a bit "managed", particularly with the trip planning.

But how I feel is not the point, because we are not in a relationship and everyone has different expectations and love languages. You need to find someone to suit yours. The only thing to think about is how everything you do is about your dp. That might not be very healthy, make sure it is not rooted in poor self esteem

MiddleParking · 03/08/2021 11:41

My husband was a bit like you when we first get together. It was lovely but when it’s all the time there’s a bit of the law of diminishing returns in there I think - and plus if I hadn’t liked him as much it would have given me the ick to be honest.

Apeirogon · 03/08/2021 11:45

I think it's not so much that any of these things are wrong in themselves, it's maybe just the overall impression that it gives? I think we all tend to love and value people who seem to love and value themselves. Do you love and value yourself, OP? Do you sometimes spend time doing nice things for yourself?

In my experience, if you always put yourself second, other people do the same to you.

MiddleParking · 03/08/2021 11:49

Just to add, he calmed right down and that reduced the ‘please like me back’ vibe and it made me like him more. Now he still loves getting me great treats and presents, but it’s occasional and just thoughtful rather than needy.

Original poster
Funchs · 03/08/2021 11:53

@Apeirogon yes I think it’s the impression isn’t it!! Totally agree. I come across as he is all I think about. Which is true to an extent but actually doing things and buying things is me telling him that over and over isn’t it.

@MiddleParking in what way did it make you like him more? That’s interesting…i definitely feel DP is more ‘engaged’ with us when I’m not doing these things!

OP posts:
Original poster
Funchs · 03/08/2021 11:54

@MiddleParking and also what made him calm down if you don’t mind me asking?!

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 03/08/2021 11:59

[quote Funchs]@MiddleParking and also what made him calm down if you don’t mind me asking?![/quote]
Time I think? Possibly ran out of budget Grin

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/08/2021 12:15

I’d also find all this intrusive - particularly since it’s very clearly, and as you admit, a gesture of “please like me more than anyone else because I’m being so wonderful to you.” I don’t like being fussed over, and I want to like somebody because of who they are rather than what they’re desperate enough to put themselves out to do for me. I want a relationship with an equal, not a fawning pet. The power imbalance in the relationship that somebody would create by clearly being absolutely desperate to be liked and needed, would make me really uncomfortable.

There’s nothing wrong with doing nice things for somebody and wanting to make them happy, that’s lovely and how relationships should work. But it has to be equal and reciprocated, and it’s the exaggerated acts of putting yourself out and making yourself needed which jar a bit.

roarfeckingroarr · 03/08/2021 12:23

I wish you were my partner OP

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