Have you ever felt suffocated? Worried I do this!

[Funchs]

I think I do this. I think I can be overbearing. Early in my relationship I would empty and load the dishwater and put a wash on when DP was in work and I was working from home. I would leave food for him sometimes. I would put flowers in the hallway. I would make the bed immaculately, leave notes or a bottle of his favourite beer in the fridge etc etc. I would arrange trips and send him plans of where to go. I guess part of this was I didn’t have many money worries so buying the odd thing or booking a trip wasn’t a big deal financially. But I know all of what I did was rooted in the idea of ‘please like me back.‘ blush

After a while I got the sense that the appreciation for what I was doing was not really there (understandable if someone is doing this all the time!).

It’s in my nature to want to do things for others and I sense I do this too much so it actually becomes overbearing. I still WANT to do all these things but I hold back as much as I can. It goes against what I feel and want to do.

Just wondering if you’re on the other side of this, how it makes you feel? Would this be too much for you?

(Posted in chat and realised this was better forum for the topic!)

I would find this overbearing and not too far from lovebombing, I'm afraid.

Some of it is nice, of course. Everyone likes nice things done for them. I'd certainly appreciate food and drink left for me (a big part of how DP won me over). But all of this is too much. I'm capable of arranging my own life how I want it and I mostly prefer to do it my way rather than have things made "perfect". I also want to have a say in when and where I go on trips.

I think the most off-putting thing might be why you say you do these things... the "please like me" aspect. I'd find that unattractive, as I strongly dislike neediness, but it would also make me feel guilty. I'd be too aware of the power imbalance, I'd feel guilty that I didn't appreciate it, and I'd feel guilty that I couldn't give back a similar level in response.

To be clear you're certainly not a bad person for doing nice things, and don't beat yourself up over it.

But IMO you should work on your self-esteem and work towards being happy in and by yourself - a partner should like you for who you are not because you act as some sort of PA/maid.

I would find this too much. I would appreciate it but it would also piss me off a little I think, it would be like stepping on my autonomy.

I think your love language is acts of service and unless you have a partner who also feels that way, it might be too much. My ex’s love language was gift giving and there was always friction because mine isn’t, so we never fully appreciated anything the other did for us.

Its ott I'm afraid.

I'd find it really suffocating and needy I'm afraid.

And it's easy to tip into controlling too (or appearing so) if you're arranging all the trips etc.

It sounds like your walking a fine line between thoughtfulness and servitude. I’d quickly start feeling guilty and awkward if I felt a partner was doing stuff for me all the time. It wouldn’t feel like a partnership of equals.

Am with the would find it suffocating,

In fact I do find it suffocating my H does these things, he think it's a help and maybe it would be if he didn't follow it up with "look what I've done" please me love me for it...

Whilst it's lovely to do nice things for our OH, if there is an imbalance - one person (person A) doing most of the nice acts / being thoughtful / spoiling the other person (person B) - that keeps sending the message that person B is more important / needs impressing / deserves to be spoiled and that person A is in some way inferior / needs to work harder to impress.

If you don't value yourself as being equally important, and equally deserving of being looked after / spoiled, then others around you won't either.

You need to value yourself for other people to value you too.

Worst case, you end up with someone who thinks it's your job to do the washing / cleaning / holiday booking because that's what you've always done. They might even think you enjoy those things.

So value yourself more. It's great to do nice things for the people we love. But it has to be give and take for a healthy relationship to ensue. Remeber you're a great person and he is lucky to have you!

Aside from all the above, I would feel this was too much if I was on the receiving end.

Yes i’d find this suffocating - especially because it’s NOT just that you like doing nice things for him, there’s an agenda attached, a quid pro quo. I would find it too much and definitely presumptuous for someone to be doing my housework and tidying up, leaving things etc - i’d feel they were trying to play act being my live-in partner and would feel pressure to reciprocate. I would also find all the trips and suggestions of things to do a bit much - i’d feel like calm down, stop going at such a pace, i’d feel i was being moulded into their idealised receptacle of the issues driving them to behave this way.

And it’s SO hard to tell someone to stop doing these things as they are so ‘nice’ so you feel like an arse for saying it. But each gesture, each gift, each little love me love me want me - it’s so much pressure. I actually ended things with someone for this, it was just too much - and it didn’t even feel ‘real’. It felt more like they had an agenda and like they wanted to play this romantic part and it didn’t quite matter who was on the receiving end, it was all about their need, not about me at all.

@SilverRoe

Yes i’d find this suffocating - especially because it’s NOT just that you like doing nice things for him, there’s an agenda attached, a quid pro quo. I would find it too much and definitely presumptuous for someone to be doing my housework and tidying up, leaving things etc - i’d feel they were trying to play act being my live-in partner and would feel pressure to reciprocate. I would also find all the trips and suggestions of things to do a bit much - i’d feel like calm down, stop going at such a pace, i’d feel i was being moulded into their idealised receptacle of the issues driving them to behave this way.

And it’s SO hard to tell someone to stop doing these things as they are so ‘nice’ so you feel like an arse for saying it. But each gesture, each gift, each little love me love me want me - it’s so much pressure. I actually ended things with someone for this, it was just too much - and it didn’t even feel ‘real’. It felt more like they had an agenda and like they wanted to play this romantic part and it didn’t quite matter who was on the receiving end, it was all about their need, not about me at all.

I've felt exactly this in the past. It was suffocating and made me so, so anxious.

It also made me feel, and I think I was right in this, that he just wanted to be 'the perfect boyfriend' and so did identikit romantic things that weren't really about me - they were all about him fulfilling an image in his mind of what a good boyfriend does whether those things were too much for me or made me uncomfortable.

'So you'd rather be with someone who is an arsehole? Why don't women want the nice guy?' etc but he wasn't actually being nice, he was being overbearing and presumptuous.

I'm not saying you're that far OP, you don't sound like that but I'm trying to explain how from the recipient's POV it feels like you're having romance projected onto you so that you have to keep confirming yes you are great and yes you do so much for me and no I don't deserve you and no I can't believe how lucky I am etc.

No reaction seems to be enough as there's always another gift or act of service lined up rather than relaxing, genuinely relaxing, into the relationship and doing a nice level of kind things for each other. Mutual levels rather than a big mismatch.

I have found that people who are massive on doing acts of service often feel they need to do those things to 'keep' someone rather than letting things progress (or not) organically. It's certainly hard to break up with someone who always has a 'but I just did xyz for you!' up their sleeve. Mine turned nasty as soon as he realised I was done. Suddenly all those 'nice' gestures weren't the generous, selfless things he said they were whenever I said they were too much and / or made me uncomfortable. They were in fact reasons I owed him a relationship and / or was mean not to stay with him.

Again OP not saying you're as far gone as him but just thought it's helpful to hear from people who have been on the other side of it.

I think you’re in danger of mothering him and it’s way too much.

You’re fine just yourself without the endless acts of service, and your language when you talk about him is a bit subservient. you have him on a pedestal and you make it sound like he is the pivot upon which your life turns!

Not good

You’re fine just yourself without the endless acts of service, and your language when you talk about him is a bit subservient. you have him on a pedestal and you make it sound like he is the pivot upon which your life turns!

This is bang on. OP you can adore a partner without your entire world revolving around them or thinking about them constantly. Nobody's happiness should be entirely reliant on someone else. It's unhealthy for the person AND unfair, unrealistic pressure for the other person on the receiving end.