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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he doing this on purpose?

32 replies

Sometimesidontknow · 03/08/2021 09:27

My husband will never tell me if he is running really late at work or if he has decided to go out for a drink after work. I’ve asked him several times just to drop me a quick text to say will be late don’t worry about dinner etc.

I worry a lot because I’m pretty sure he isn’t having just one drink and then he drives home. I’ll end up not being able to sleep as I don’t know what’s happening. When I approach the subject I either get a sorry babe I forgot or a full blown argument that he hardly ever goes out because of me. I don’t care if he stays after work at times but I just want a heads up as I’ll make dinner and wait he doesn’t turn up. He also expects the dinner even if he is extremely late.

I would never do this in return, in fact I don’t go anywhere as he always seems to ruin my nights out and need me to come home.

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 03/08/2021 09:29

Oh dear, he’d be ex-husband if he was mine.
This is control and abuse.
Do you have kids and a job ?

Original poster
Sometimesidontknow · 03/08/2021 09:45

1 young child and I have a part time job.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 03/08/2021 09:50

This is control and abuse.
Do you have kids and a job ?

This

I’m sorry OP if the real reason behind his behaviour has come as a shock but if you’re honest with yourself, there has probably been a lot more behaviour where your feelings aren’t considered.

minniemouseshouses · 03/08/2021 10:03

His behaviour re driving and drinking is dangerous. Shame on him for doing that to himself, you, child, others. He seems not a very kind husband and PP is right he is controlling. What do you want to do?

CandyLeBonBon · 03/08/2021 10:06

That's pretty out of order op. I imagine there's a lot more of this type of behaviour going on?

Unanananana · 03/08/2021 10:14

He drink drives. Thats a LTB on its own. No words for this.

As for his dinner, if it were me, he'd be wearing it. You need to protect yourself and your child. Is this how you want your child to treat you as they grow up? Because that is what they will learn from their father.

Original poster
Sometimesidontknow · 03/08/2021 10:19

He is a very strange person, I can’t talk to him at all. If I go against what he says he just gets angry or basically tells me I owe him everything. If I say to him please just drop me a msg he will literally just say fine I’ll never go out again. That’s not what I want at all.

Once his sister was rude to me and I simply said she said something quite hurtful on holiday and he absolutely flipped at her and didn’t talk to her for a year. Then all I heard was I disowned my sister for you, I never asked for that at all.

OP posts:
MangoBiscuit · 03/08/2021 10:23

First time, a mistake.
Second time, maybe a slip up.
All the times afterwards, yes it's on purpose. Your feelings are irrelevant. If he's putting you out, or upsetting you, it doesn't matter.

As PPs have said, good chance he's demonstrating this lack of respect elsewhere too.

I would be seriously considering the future of any relationship where my partner apparently had so little respect for me. Add in the drink driving and I would be getting my ducks in a row to LTB.

MangoBiscuit · 03/08/2021 10:25

Cross post, so he also gets angry, aggressive, guilt trips you, blames you for his choices/behaviour...

LTB

Original poster
Sometimesidontknow · 03/08/2021 10:48

It’s all been a bit fast and crazy our relationship. He really wanted a child and I wasn’t really sure with him. He said I got you a house and everything you wanted so now you need to pay me back. I kind of went along with it all and never stopped to really think actually I didn’t want a child with you because I feel like you don’t really like me. It all feels really odd. When I sit down and think about it it all feels really empty our relationship, just a series of I do this now you need to do that etc. He just never does anything sincere.

OP posts:
Outbutnotoutout · 03/08/2021 10:52

Are you married
Is your name on the deeds and mortgage

I would leave him

Imcatmum · 03/08/2021 10:54

Your posts get worse and worse. He sounds dangerous! And abusive. I hope you get out.

Nonmaquillee · 03/08/2021 10:55

@Sometimesidontknow

It’s all been a bit fast and crazy our relationship. He really wanted a child and I wasn’t really sure with him. He said I got you a house and everything you wanted so now you need to pay me back. I kind of went along with it all and never stopped to really think actually I didn’t want a child with you because I feel like you don’t really like me. It all feels really odd. When I sit down and think about it it all feels really empty our relationship, just a series of I do this now you need to do that etc. He just never does anything sincere.
Yes, he’s very controlling.

He’s also disrespectful and blatantly, deliberately fails to consider you and your needs.

My second ever LTB.

DinosaurDiana · 03/08/2021 11:15

Do you have your own bank account ? Are your wages paid into it ?

Sampafie · 03/08/2021 11:17

Tbh.. stop asking when he ll be back. Im not saying that you should do what he says, but if he sees you arent panicking when hes outside maybe he ll get reasonable and think, oh she hasnt checked up on me, let me give her a headsup.
You said he likes to drink and drive, not to be macabre but are you and your baby in his will? If anything happens you wanna be well provided for.

user16395699 · 03/08/2021 11:24

You are being abused and therefore so is your child, which will cause them lifelong damage.

What support do you need to leave him?

Bookworm20 · 03/08/2021 11:56

Its completely not normal for a partner not to have 5 seconds to drop a quick text to say, running late from work or just going for a pint with the lads after work.
Its called common respect. he doesn't have any.
And your updates suggest he very much thinks he can do what he wants and treat you however he wants and yes he sounds abusive.

Does he make you happy?
If the answer is no, then you leave. I know it isn't always that cut and dry but you do not 'owe' him anything.

Bananalanacake · 03/08/2021 12:17

He pressured you into having DC so it's more difficult for you to leave. The way he makes you come home on a night out is very controlling, what would happen if you went out for a night, leaving your DC with someone else so you know they are safe, and ignoring him trying to contact you. If you are scared of his reaction that is very bad.

Chocaholic9 · 03/08/2021 12:30

He does not sound like a good partner at all. He isn't respectful of your needs.

Lovelybottom · 03/08/2021 12:34

The first post suggested he was a rude, selfish demanding git. The subsequent posts clearly demonstrate he is an abusive, controlling twat.

bigbaggyeyes · 03/08/2021 12:36

Don't cook him his tea, if he goes out he gets cold food on a plate in the fridge at best

Don't have dc with him.

Did he buy the house for you? If that's the case I'm presuming the deeds to the house are in your name and yours alone.

The more you write the worse he sounds.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 03/08/2021 12:44

Agree with the readings of this as abusive. It's hard to accept that straight off, though.

I would say that from now on you'll start making dinner when he texts to say he's leaving work, so that it's ready at the right time and not dried up or wasted. No text, no dinner. And if it gets to say 9pm and nothing, kitchen is closed as you will assume he's getting something to eat out or at his desk. This is perfectly reasonable. If he is angry about that, it tells you something.

Tal45 · 03/08/2021 13:00

It all just sounds awful OP. You don't 'owe' him. Please don't waste any more of your life on him, do you have family you can go and stay with?

longtompot · 03/08/2021 13:01

Err wtf!? He really wanted a child and I wasn’t really sure with him. He said I got you a house and everything you wanted so now you need to pay me back.
It sounds like he sees you as a possession not a person.

Drink driving is so selfish, not just to you, but what about the effect on another families lives should he have a crash?

FinallyHere · 03/08/2021 13:01

I don’t go anywhere as he always seems to ruin my nights out and need me to come home.

Ok, this, this alone is all I need to read. This one is not a keeper, throw him back.

What is your situation, can you get somewhere to live without him?

Oh no, now I've read the thread, my heart goes out to you. Please get yourself snd your child away from this terrible situation.