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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Has anyone else experienced your husband being hostile to your own family

39 replies

Beau378 · 03/08/2021 08:04

I am looking for advice on what to do if your husband is hostile towards your own family. I don't wish to go into exact details about my situation on this public forum as I don't wish to be identified in any way, but any generic help would be very much appreciated.
He doesn't like the closeness I have with them and feels it's ok to criticise them. It's getting me down and I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to him and told him how it makes me feel but he becomes frustrated with me and the situation. I don't see anyway a good relationship between him and them can be resolved. He is also critical of me sometimes.
Do you stay in a marriage where your husband dislikes your family?

I am aware it's difficult for you to give advice if you don't know all the details. But I'm just looking for any advice on whether it's happened to you and what you possibly did to resolve it.

Thank you for any help :)

OP posts:

DinosaurDiana · 03/08/2021 08:05

He is driving a wedge between you so that you don’t see them. It’s a red flag for abusive behaviour.

DinosaurDiana · 03/08/2021 08:06

And no, you shouldn’t stay.
Do you have children ? A job ?

Original poster

Beau378 · 03/08/2021 08:07

I have a job, and 1 child

OP posts:

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 03/08/2021 08:14

@DinosaurDiana

He is driving a wedge between you so that you don’t see them. It’s a red flag for abusive behaviour.

I agree with this. It's a form of isolation and abuse. He is trying to get control of you.

My DSS met a woman he is now married to. She has systematically driven a wedge between him and all of his close and distant family. No-one in the family sees him now and due to her abuse of us we are cut off from them.

I bet if you were left money or property by a family member he would want the benefit of it though!

Maybe ask him to go to some counselling sessions if you want to stay with him. This would make me want to leave though. He sounds horrible.

TerraNovaTwo · 03/08/2021 08:15

Yes. This is abuse. In fact, ex humiliated me and them, both together and separately. He took every opportunity to belittle them and when I did confront him about it, he would twist it to make it their fault or accuse of me of doing it.

He's doing this to control isolate you. Don't think it won't escalate to physical abuse, sexual jealousy, criminal coercion or financial control. It will. Staying and putting up is by far MUCH more damaging for DC than leaving and healing.

gannett · 03/08/2021 08:19

It's hard to give any advice without knowing more details.

As PP have said he might be trying to isolate you from your family and driving a wedge between you.

But there's a thread on AIBU right now where the OP talks about her suffocating in-laws and that might be the case here too. What one person thinks is just close family can be too close for other people.

MichelleScarn · 03/08/2021 08:20

I suppose for me it would all hinge on the exactness of what exactly this is He doesn't like the closeness I have with them and feels it's ok to criticise them
Is the closeness you having a healthy relationship with them, phonecalls, seeing each other frequently in which case he's wrong, or you running everything in your life/marriage/childcare decisions by them?

TerraNovaTwo · 03/08/2021 08:20

Maybe ask him to go to some counselling sessions if you want to stay with him.

I did this with ex. Helped superficially for a bit. You should never enter couples counselling where there is any form of abuse, however, it needs to be just him.

It finally hit centre for me (after a year of him attending sessions for men who perpetrate domestic abuse) that he's just a shitty, highly dysfunctional person who chooses to be and will never change.

TerraNovaTwo · 03/08/2021 08:23

suffocating in-laws Even if, it's not an excuse to belittle, be hostile or isolate. On its own it's still a red flag. It can be tricky to pinpoint, but I'd bet OP's H is like this in other areas of his life, personally and professionally.

saraclara · 03/08/2021 08:25

I understand you not wanting to give details, but really we cannot advise you.

Like a pp, I read your OP and thought of the other thread running at the moment where the partner is feeling suffocated by the constant presence and calls from her in-laws. But I've also read threads where a spouse is absolutely keeping a woman from her family in order to control her.

Without knowing where your contact with your family lies between these two extremes, we can't really help you.

MichelleScarn · 03/08/2021 08:30

And there's also a long standing poster who will regulary something similar about her dp and his hostility to her parents, however neglects to say that they are literally pushing him out of his child's life and taking it over.

Original poster

Beau378 · 03/08/2021 08:30

No there is no suffocation from my family/ parents. They visit maybe once a month at most as they don't feel welcome by him here. He often makes an excuse to leave the house when they come around, or busies himself with some job around the house. He very rarely accompanies me when I go around to visit them.

OP posts:

crochetandcoffeebreaks · 03/08/2021 08:31

I've been through this OP but it stemmed from my own 'D'F being a controlling narcissist. I'd spent my entire life being controlled and then he wanted to control my marriage too. I didn't realise just how blind I was to it until he decided we should stay living under his roof, working in his office (so he could control the finances), how we should raise our future kids etc. The list goes on, but it was hard for me to see how bad it was at first, DH was the fresh set of eyes that I needed. Needless to say I'm now NC and feeling much more free for it.

MinesAPintOfTea · 03/08/2021 08:37

@Beau378

If he politely avoids them wherever possible, how is he hostile to them?

gannett · 03/08/2021 08:41

Two important questions for me would be:

Does he try to control your interactions with your family? He should be free to limit his own if he wants, but not to stop you seeing them as much as you want.

What's the root of the hostility? You haven't said anything about your family's attitude to him. Have they been hostile to him, or snubbed him, or made him feel unwelcome? If not why doesn't he like them? Hostility doesn't come out of thin air.

Fireflygal · 03/08/2021 08:42

@MichelleScarn, that's what I'm wondering!

Op, it obviously helps if your partner gets on with your parents but it isn't essential. He doesn't seem to prevent you from having a relationship, just isn't too keen to have a close relationship with them. I think it's fine if he's polite.

namechangeat11pm · 03/08/2021 08:43

My husband is like this.

I would meet my DDad most weeks and we would go for a dog walk or to a cafe or just sit and have a cup of tea and a chat together, but DH was the same and kept having a go at me about it and so I let the visits dwindle off. Shortly after my DDad passed away very suddenly, I wish I could go back in time and visit him even more and not less.

He has driven a wedge between my sisters and me, because he doesn't like them or their partners.

He's critical of me too.

I feel like a shell of a person. I'm absolutely miserable and because I've allowed it to go on for so long, I have no one I can lean on for any support either.

I'm trying to get things sorted so I can leave him.

Please, please leave him. He sounds awful. I'm sure your family will support you if you are close to them, and you will be much happier in the long run.

Original poster

Beau378 · 03/08/2021 08:44

He is hostile when they are in our house and he ignores them. Or leaves when they arrive. Or gets up to do a job around the house which needs doing there and then and can't wait. Or says a shrug hello and turns his head back to the TV

OP posts:

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/08/2021 08:45

I think a lot depends on if he doesn't like the closeness with your family because you are too enmeshed with your family (I've seen this) or if he's trying to isolation you from you family because he's controlling (I've seen this too).

TheSunShinesBrighter · 03/08/2021 08:48

Yes. He makes it difficult for me to invite them to visit/stay over because he so grumpy/ unfriendly throughout. Puts me on edge.
I visit them myself now and leave him at home.

I agree with posters saying that it is very wrong and this kind of behaviour can potentially isolate people from their own family.
Toxic.

TheSunShinesBrighter · 03/08/2021 08:50

Just to add, In my situation he NEVER complains or tries to stop me from going to them. Just doesn’t want to se them himself.

Oldbutstillgotit · 03/08/2021 08:53

@ namechangeat11pm

I have been following your other thread and am so sad you are in this situation x

Original poster

Beau378 · 03/08/2021 08:59

Thank you for your replies so far.

@Disfordarkchocolate
Interesting yes I wonder if I am too close to my family? What would you say is too close?
What kind of things would included "enmeshed with family"? Just trying to figure out if this could be the problem on my part.
If I become less close to them do you think the relationship between my husband and my family could be saved somehow?
How often is reasonable to see your family?

I do appreciate this help. I just want to make things better

OP posts:

IWantT0BreakFree · 03/08/2021 09:01

Without context this thread is pointless because nobody can offer meaningful advice (although it doesn’t stop some people leaping to extreme conclusions about abuse and control straight off the bat).

Maybe he is an abusive arsehole who wants to cut you off from your family.

Maybe there’s some huge backstory whereby your parents have done something to cause a rift and he’s not as quick to forgive as you are.

Maybe he finds your parents unpleasant in some way (critical of him? Disapproving of your marriage?).

Nobody can offer you advice on how to resolve it, or how we resolved it in our families, if we don't know what has caused it in your case. It's absolutely impossible to say.

TheSunShinesBrighter · 03/08/2021 09:01

I wonder if I am too close to my family? What would you say is too close?

You can be as close as you like to your own family.

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