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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone else experienced your husband being hostile to your own family

39 replies

Beau378 · 03/08/2021 08:04

I am looking for advice on what to do if your husband is hostile towards your own family. I don't wish to go into exact details about my situation on this public forum as I don't wish to be identified in any way, but any generic help would be very much appreciated.
He doesn't like the closeness I have with them and feels it's ok to criticise them. It's getting me down and I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to him and told him how it makes me feel but he becomes frustrated with me and the situation. I don't see anyway a good relationship between him and them can be resolved. He is also critical of me sometimes.
Do you stay in a marriage where your husband dislikes your family?

I am aware it's difficult for you to give advice if you don't know all the details. But I'm just looking for any advice on whether it's happened to you and what you possibly did to resolve it.

Thank you for any help :)

OP posts:
TheSunShinesBrighter · 03/08/2021 09:02

@IWantT0BreakFree

Without context this thread is pointless because nobody can offer meaningful advice (although it doesn’t stop some people leaping to extreme conclusions about abuse and control straight off the bat).

Maybe he is an abusive arsehole who wants to cut you off from your family.

Maybe there’s some huge backstory whereby your parents have done something to cause a rift and he’s not as quick to forgive as you are.

Maybe he finds your parents unpleasant in some way (critical of him? Disapproving of your marriage?).

Nobody can offer you advice on how to resolve it, or how we resolved it in our families, if we don't know what has caused it in your case. It's absolutely impossible to say.

Really good points.
Original poster
Beau378 · 03/08/2021 09:08

@IWantT0BreakFree

Agreed. You are right. It's impossible to for you to give advice without knowing all the details but I just don't feel like giving specific details on a public forum which could lead to a member of our family or friends know it's me. So I am sorry about that. It's just more general advice I'm after like the PP above. All great so far, and opening my eyes to explore what the possible problems are. So I do thank everyone for the help, even if it's generic

OP posts:
Shouldbedoing · 03/08/2021 09:33

Has he managed to limit your interactions with friends? I know motherhood can do that, but it's often the first thing to go. Has he been keen to move away from family and friends? It's very subtle how some men ease their way into control by isolating you.
Don't worry about outing yourself by posting too many details. The world is full of households leading identical lives. None of us are as unique as we would like to believe.

Ozanj · 03/08/2021 09:41

DH is like this a bit when it comes to my family. My solution so far, which has worked, is more visits without him. I also point out when he’s being rude so he can rein it in. But he is very much the same with his family too & that is one area I can’t seem to fix (it seems he makes Mil cry every time he calls her Sad)

Imcatmum · 03/08/2021 09:43

It depends on whether he has a point about your parents/family or not. If not, he's just a jerk not caring enough about you to even fake it.

YeokensYegg · 03/08/2021 09:46

I know you don't want to give too much detail.

How is he with his own parents? Does he see them often?

Where do you spend your holidays? Christmas? Summer?

How long are they staying when they visit?
Do they help you when they come? Are they critical?

MichelleScarn · 03/08/2021 09:51

How often is reasonable to see your family?

How often are you seeing them? Daily? Weekly, monthly?
Are you close in that your house is their house and he can't ever feel settled as they come and go at will, or do you just socialise and he's an arse about that?

j712adrian · 03/08/2021 10:02

Bloke here. I've had exactly the opposite experience at the age of 60 for the first time finding a family of a partner who were outright hostile to me from minute one. I managed three years before I got rid.

Hostile inwards or hostile outgoing, hard to see how you can get past this.

Disneycharacter · 03/08/2021 10:20

It's a classic abuse tactic. Isolate you and leave you friendless. I bet he's the same if you have a close friend. Look carefully at all behaviour. Does he check up on you, ask you where you're going, criticise your clothes choice?

MichelleScarn · 03/08/2021 10:28

@Disneycharacter

It's a classic abuse tactic. Isolate you and leave you friendless. I bet he's the same if you have a close friend. Look carefully at all behaviour. Does he check up on you, ask you where you're going, criticise your clothes choice?
That's not what op has said though? He's not stopping her seeing family, he's just not engaging with them when they visit. he ignores them. Or leaves when they arrive. Or gets up to do a job around the house which needs doing there and then and can't wait. Or says a shrug hello and turns his head back to the TV

Which does come across as rude, but depends on the context. Are they constantly there and require attention or does he never even acknowledge them on a weekly visit?

honeylulu · 03/08/2021 10:31

It's hard to tell without knowing what the dynamic is. He could be a control freak who would rather you were isolated from your family. You might be very much "in thrall" to your parents. Or he might just be a grumpy introvert who doesn't like other people much especially in his home.

My husband had a very enmeshed relationship with his very wealthy parents who'd use their wealth as a carrot to manipulate their adult children. MIL in particular was absolutely toxic. Could be very charming and generous as long as she got her own way. If you resisted though it was like a cobra was unleashed. FIL, DH and his siblings just let her get her own way "aww it's what she's like, she's our mum, what can you do". Once I'd been on the tail end of her toxicity a couple of times I started to avoid them whenever I could. My husband wasn't happy about this but I didn't see why I should lay myself out like a lamb to the slaughter (her DILs got the worst of her nastiness). He sort of got it but thought I should just bite my tongue and make an effort, that his mum was just "a bit difficult". He was blind to the reality of how cruel and vile she could actually be and that she took such pleasure in it.

reprehensibleme · 03/08/2021 10:39

DSIL - her family are close but not overpowering. Her parents looked after DNiece and used to do things like mow lawns because DBIL is a lazy shit who wouldn't do it himself or pay for someone else to do it. Every time they were going out for dinner with SIL's family, or going to their house, DBIL would purposely make them late - and not just 10 minutes but an hour or longer. He'd then sit around with a face like a smacked arse and demand they leave really early.

I've seen the dynamic, DBIL is a nasty piece of work and DSIL is just waiting until DNiece finishes uni then she's leaving.

MichelleScarn · 03/08/2021 10:45

The being late purposely is ridiculous and wrong, but why does she not mow her own lawn? Why is it being done for the male? If someone came and did housework would that be seen as being done for a female?

reprehensibleme · 03/08/2021 12:16

Because she worked, looked after DNiece, did all housework including general maintenance and it was something her Dad could do to help while her Mum was watching DN that took a little bit of the pressure off.

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