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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Accused him of seeing someone else

41 replies

wookneecorn · 02/08/2021 22:01

I live with my partner in a house that is owned by his parents, parents don't live here and he pays to live here as do I. I don't need help getting out of the relationship, I would have somewhere to go.

We were going to try to TTC once we had everything sorted out which we obviously wont be going forward with before we have relationship issues sorted out unless we decide to split in which case we wouldn't go through with it at all.

I've suspected that he's been seeing someone else for weeks.

It got too much. He's at work, always works late and I've sent him a text telling him that I know he's seeing someone else. It feels unfair to have accused him of this with no proof but I feel inclined to go with my gut feeling even though he is otherwise a trustworthy person in general, but not entirely.

I don't suspect that he's seeing someone else because he works late (I know he does) A few examples are tht he's changed the way he talks and texts, it's unfamiliar and as if he's picked it up off someone else. Suddenly almost no time for me other than sex before bed. Significantly decreased interest in doing things together claiming he has no time and tries to get out of things such as family projects. I'm sick of it and he wasn't like this previously.

I'm not convinced I can entirely think straight. I've contacted my parents who will let me stay with them whilst I find my own place. Would it be inappropriate at all to just block and leave?

OP posts:

minniemouseshouses · 02/08/2021 22:09

Personally I wouldn’t be able to switch from TTC one minute and suddenly block and no contact the next? I don’t really understand your thinking - probably because I don’t have full info here. But don’t you want to talk to this man before you do anything drastic? Could it be other problems he is having, rather than another woman? What was his response to your text?

Original poster

wookneecorn · 02/08/2021 22:16

@minniemouseshouses
We are not curently trying to TTC. I said that we were going to TTC after planning it out first. I would've wanted to talk to him about this but he has been avoiding me talking to him about things in general and I do believe that he'd make an excuse of some sort and hope I forget about it. He frequently de-rails conversations. He has not been involving himself in a lot of important things because he's been busy at work or using excuses to get himself out of things. Showing no interest in anything anymore.

He hasn't responded to the text yet.

OP posts:

Marineboy67 · 02/08/2021 22:20

What's TTC?

Original poster

wookneecorn · 02/08/2021 22:21

@Marineboy67

Trying to concieve

OP posts:

SStopRaisingHim · 02/08/2021 22:28

Would it be inappropriate at all to just block and leave?

It would be extremely cruel.

Original poster

wookneecorn · 02/08/2021 22:32

@SStopRaisingHim

Jeez

OP posts:

Alpenguin · 02/08/2021 22:36

Maybe the plans talking about ttc in future are too much for him right now and he doesn’t know how to tell you?

SStopRaisingHim · 02/08/2021 22:41

[quote wookneecorn]@SStopRaisingHim

Jeez[/quote]
You’ve gone from wanting a baby with him to talking about not even showing the decency to end it with respect.

FrogsLoveRain · 02/08/2021 22:42

I cannot understand how you go from living with someone and considering having a baby with them to thinking about blocking them completely and leaving.

You need to speak to him. You need to explain how you feel and your concerns. After that, if you're not happy and things don't improve then you don't need to stay with him. But don't just block him and leave him.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2021 22:46

The relationship is over, as it clearly needs to be, but if he doesn't pose a danger to you I would have a parting of ways in person. Personally, I don't see the point in the two of you trying to talk things out, because that ship has sailed.

thinkingaboutitall · 02/08/2021 22:50

you don’t need an excuse to end the relationship. If it’s not working out for you, it’s fine to end it, especially before kids and further finances are involved

But you don’t need to use cheating as an excuse. Idk if he’s cheating or not, but regardless you’re obviously not happy with the state of the relationship.

Sarahlou63 · 02/08/2021 23:05

He doesn’t have to be seeing someone else. Maybe he just wants out but doesn’t know how to tell you.

lilmishap · 03/08/2021 19:09

Innapropriate - yes.
Cowardly, selfish and immature - also yes.

You sound like a really unsupportive partner and this is -- Wow!
I said that we were going to TTC after planning it out first. I would've wanted to talk to him about this
So you've decided you want a baby with him and you were going to tell him about your plans? How thoughtful.

He frequently de-rails conversations Does he? or does he frequently insist on talking about issues you do not care about? like what he feels or thinks ?

I do believe that he'd make an excuse of some sort and hope I forget about it
Why would he need an excuse to not want to be told that you are now trying for a baby if he likes it or not?

You don't sound as if you give a shit about this bloke.

lilmishap · 03/08/2021 19:10

What the eff is a family project when you don't have kids?

todaysdilemma · 03/08/2021 20:15

Why would you block and leave a man you even considered having kids with? Can you not sit him down and have a conversation where you let him know you're unhappy, give him the opportunity to share his thoughts, and if there's no resolution, you just end the relationship.

I'm getting the feeling you want to to leave and block, in anger, to teach him a lesson. Rather than for your own safety? If yes, this will not help you feel at peace with your decision - you owe it to yourself and him to force the conversation if you need to, but don't just leave in anger. The only person you'll hurt is yourself, as once the anger dissipates, the doubt and regret will set in. Not worth it - if he de-rails the convo, then let him know you're leaving. At least you'll feel better for having done it the right way.

litterbird · 03/08/2021 20:38

Blimey, that bloke has been at work working all day and probably has no idea how to respond to the bombshell of the text. Babies one minute.....you are cheating the next. You maybe right without any proof but I think you are correct in saying on your opening post: "I'm not convinced I can entirely think straight.". I think you need to spend some time apart as the relationship appears to have run its course and you maybe trying to find an excuse to leave. You dont need to have an excuse to leave. Take some time out at your parents and if you can, finish the relationship with some dignity for both of you by speaking to him and telling him it is over.

Original poster

wookneecorn · 03/08/2021 21:23

@lilmishap

You made several misjudged and derogatory assumptions, and I'm responding to set the record straight.

Cowardly, selfish and immature - also yes.
Those words don't define me. They define some thoughts that I wanted to explore before considering to follow through with anything.
You sound like a really unsupportive partner and this is -- Wow!
An assumption.
So you've decided you want a baby with him and you were going to tell him about your plans? How thoughtful.
He wanted a baby before he met me, we both did. We have both talked about it many times and he has once said that he doesn't want one with me. Quite the opposite.
Does he? or does he frequently insist on talking about issues you do not care about? like what he feels or thinks ?
I do care about his thoughts and feelings, and reminds him daily that he can talk to me about them.
Why would he need an excuse to not want to be told that you are now trying for a baby if he likes it or not?
He does want one, he's wanted one for years.
you don't sound as if you give a shit about this bloke.
I do, and who are you to tell me that I don't?
What the eff is a family project when you don't have kids?
we consider ourselves to be a family

@todaysdilemma
Why would you block and leave a man you even considered having kids with? Can you not sit him down and have a conversation where you let him know you're unhappy, give him the opportunity to share his thoughts, and if there's no resolution, you just end the relationship.
He's too busy/too tired to talk about anything that I want to talk about that's important, but he'll ignore me and derail it and want to talk about my day, for example. This isn't the way he used to behave. I think trying to schedule a time for us to talk about specific things is the next step
I'm getting the feeling you want to to leave and block, in anger, to teach him a lesson. Rather than for your own safety? If yes, this will not help you feel at peace with your decision - you owe it to yourself and him to force the conversation if you need to, but don't just leave in anger. The only person you'll hurt is yourself, as once the anger dissipates, the doubt and regret will set in. Not worth it - if he de-rails the convo, then let him know you're leaving. At least you'll feel better for having done it the right way.
I agree with what you have said and that I need to cool down and not make any rash decisions.
@litterbird
Blimey, that bloke has been at work working all day and probably has no idea how to respond to the bombshell of the text. Babies one minute.....you are cheating the next.
He didn't previously behave this way. When he wasn't like this, that's when we started talking about having a baby. I can't think what would suddenly explain his changed behaviour? It changed weeks ago.

OP posts:

lilmishap · 03/08/2021 22:45

he has once said that he doesn't want one with me
Then that conversation is over and done with. Him wanting kids for years is irrelevant if he doesn't want them with you.

Did you discuss the future of the relationship after he said that? Thats a pretty big statement for him to have made isn't it. If he wants kids but not with you then the relationship isn't going anywhere. Was this a recent chat?
Why didn't you break up at that time?

Now you've accused him of cheating via text but you've also considered ghosting him. . .You still want to 'discuss' the relationship to try and fix it though?

You're sending out plenty of mixed messages and I would be expecting a break up in either of your shoes because it sounds miserable.

lilmishap · 03/08/2021 23:37

I do care about his thoughts and feelings, and reminds him daily that he can talk to me about them

Do you not think this sounds a bit controlling?

He told you he doesn't want a baby with you and you've chosen to label that as unimportant (because he said he wanted one for years previously and you prefer that),
Him being tired is an 'excuse' (for not having the discussion you want to have about relationship issues),
Him asking about your day is 'derailing' (from whatever you want to discuss),
Him trying to get out of family projects pisses you off (aka shit you decided he would do with you on his days off)

But despite you ignoring him and his feelings so damn frequently, you remind him daily that you want him to tell you how he feels?

Your view of this relationship is a mess.
Does he know you have somewhere to go when it ends?

litterbird · 04/08/2021 06:25

“He didn't previously behave this way. When he wasn't like this, that's when we started talking about having a baby. I can't think what would suddenly explain his changed behaviour? It changed weeks ago.”

You say you can’t think what would have suddenly explained his change but you have thought about it. You just text him accusing him of cheating on you. You have come to that conclusion with no proof so you clearly have thought about it. My explanation of his change is purely he wants out of this relationship and doesn’t quite know how to do it.

category12 · 04/08/2021 06:55

Having been in a relationship where I'd got to the point that I knew there was no use in trying to have a conversation about what was bothering me, because we just went round in circles - I think it's fine for you to just up & leave and block, if you're sure you're done with the relationship.

Do what you need to do.

I do wonder what you were thinking, considering ttc when you didn't have a secure home? Seems like you were about to make yourself really vulnerable and dependent if you were living with him unmarried in a place owned by his parents, if you'd had a baby. You might want to rethink that sort of situation for future reference.

Fromablokespoint · 05/08/2021 12:31

"I said that we were going to TTC after planning it out first"

"We have both talked about it many times and he has once said that he doesn't want one with me."

How does that work?

Original poster

wookneecorn · 05/08/2021 15:24

Where have I said that he doesn't want one?

OP posts:

Original poster

wookneecorn · 05/08/2021 15:25

Oh, typo. I meant he has not once said that he doesn't want one with me

OP posts:

Suzi888 · 05/08/2021 15:27

I don’t know how old you both are, but you need to slap the breaks on ttc and work through your relationship first.
I wouldn’t be happy living in his parents house either, but that’s not what the thread is about so…

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