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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Accused him of seeing someone else

41 replies

wookneecorn · 02/08/2021 22:01

I live with my partner in a house that is owned by his parents, parents don't live here and he pays to live here as do I. I don't need help getting out of the relationship, I would have somewhere to go.

We were going to try to TTC once we had everything sorted out which we obviously wont be going forward with before we have relationship issues sorted out unless we decide to split in which case we wouldn't go through with it at all.

I've suspected that he's been seeing someone else for weeks.

It got too much. He's at work, always works late and I've sent him a text telling him that I know he's seeing someone else. It feels unfair to have accused him of this with no proof but I feel inclined to go with my gut feeling even though he is otherwise a trustworthy person in general, but not entirely.

I don't suspect that he's seeing someone else because he works late (I know he does) A few examples are tht he's changed the way he talks and texts, it's unfamiliar and as if he's picked it up off someone else. Suddenly almost no time for me other than sex before bed. Significantly decreased interest in doing things together claiming he has no time and tries to get out of things such as family projects. I'm sick of it and he wasn't like this previously.

I'm not convinced I can entirely think straight. I've contacted my parents who will let me stay with them whilst I find my own place. Would it be inappropriate at all to just block and leave?

OP posts:

Original poster

wookneecorn · 05/08/2021 15:28

@catagory12
I do wonder what you were thinking, considering ttc when you didn't have a secure home? Seems like you were about to make yourself really vulnerable and dependent if you were living with him unmarried in a place owned by his parents, if you'd had a baby. You might want to rethink that sort of situation for future reference.

we would have gotten married, it would've been part of the plans.

OP posts:

Original poster

wookneecorn · 05/08/2021 15:29

@suzi888
I wouldn’t be happy living in his parents house either, but that’s not what the thread is about so…

His parents own the house but they rent it out to him and don't live there

OP posts:

Original poster

wookneecorn · 05/08/2021 15:35

@lilmishap
Him being tired is an 'excuse'
It is an excuse because he will then do something else like
play games on his computer
Him trying to get out of family projects pisses you off
we both decided to do it, but when it comes to actually doing it
he tries to get out of it

OP posts:

AlmostSummer21 · 05/08/2021 15:37

How old are you both?

How long have you been together?

category12 · 05/08/2021 17:37

we would have gotten married, it would've been part of the plans

Best to get married before you TTC if you're making yourself so vulnerable.

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 05/08/2021 20:36

This relationship doesn't sound like it's working for both of you at the minute. He won't talk to you about things that are Important to you, but will find time to play computer games.... and you've accused him of cheating with no proof, willing to leave him and block him with no explanation?? Yet you were going to TTC.
Is your relationship salvageable? I don't know.... but I do know you need to start talking to each other.
Seeing as though you feel he derails Important conversations, perhaps a text more along the lines of explaining how you are feeling, that you want to talk to him, BUT have your say with no interruption, and then offering him the same chance might have been nore useful than the one you sent. He may have things he wants to say to you. Only after some conversation between you both can you 2 decide if you can try to make your relationship work. Good luck.

Sakurami · 05/08/2021 20:43

That's a big leap that he's having an affair. Wtf??

lilmishap · 05/08/2021 21:25

You do not want the same things.
Accept that.

How did he react to the texts?

Bookworm20 · 06/08/2021 12:08

I think you are getting a hard time here. You obviously have noticed lots of little things in your relationship which is ringing alarm bells with you, but have no proof. So many people have been there and had the gut feeling and often unfortunately its correct. If he is basically avoiding you, it would suggest something is going on. whether another woman, an emotional affair is starting or whether he has other things on his mind which he doesn't want to share (in which case, why).

Wait and see what he replies. Has he read it yet do you know? I imagine if he isn't cheating, then he'd respond pretty damn quick with something like WTF or hopefully asking you why you think that and of course not etc etc

If he doesn't answer for some time, I'd imagine thats him trying to figure out how you know and what he should say - whether deny or face up. He won't do that the second he reads the text.

Will you believe him if he says he isn't? Thats the thing though.
You both need to have a conversation regardless and find out why the changes. Although if he IS, highlighting those changes will just make him aware to hide it more. So tricky one.

Original poster

wookneecorn · 06/08/2021 16:32

@category12
Best to get married before you TTC if you're making yourself so vulnerable
we would have got married before TTC

@Hiphopboppertybop99
and you've accused him of cheating with no proof, willing to leave him and block him with no explanation?? Yet you were going to TTC.
@Sakurami
That's a big leap that he's having an affair. Wtf??

He wasn't always like this. His behaviour has really changed.

@Bookworm20
He responded to the text with a question mark, and when he got home, he was too nice to me, it felt too odd and made me very uncomfortable. I feel ashamed to say that I was pretty rude to him, telling him to go away and leave me alone. so now we're not talking to each other
I don't know what I can reasonably do about this

OP posts:

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 06/08/2021 20:23

@wookneecorn - I understand his behaviour may have changed, and I'm not saying you're wrong to think the way you do, as the whole of my first paragraph points out your relationship (for both you and him) is not working at the minute.
What's happened since this afternoon? Did he deny an affair/ cheating?
The only thing you can BOTH reasonably do is sit down and talk and decide upon the future of your relationship. Good luck.

Original poster

wookneecorn · 06/08/2021 22:11

@Hihopboppertybob99
Since the text I sent, we haven't spoken about it. He hasn't denied it, but he hasn't said that he has been having an affair, either

We're still keeping to ourselves. I think a chat at some point would be a good idea. But I can't say I'm in the mood for it at the moment. My heads a mess and I'm feeling very emotional over the idea that he's cheating and the state of our relationship currently

OP posts:

Bookworm20 · 07/08/2021 09:17

So his response was just a ?. Not a what on earth are you talking about. And he hasn’t denied it.
Is he avoiding having the conversation with you?
I think you need to have that conversation op, however awkward. And hear what he has to say.
Has he even asked why you think he is?

mylovelydd · 07/08/2021 14:14

So since Monday he hasn't mentioned the text you sent him at all?
You need to have it out OP. I know you say you aren't in the mood for it but how can you live together thinking he's cheating? The atmosphere must be awful for you both.
Whether he is or isn't there is a clear breakdown in communication here so speak to him face to face today

Original poster

wookneecorn · 09/08/2021 18:29

I'll do it when he gets back from work. What should I do, keep demanding that we talk about it until he does?

OP posts:

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 09/08/2021 18:50

You sounds nuts OP

Perhaps it’s the way you type. Or that we only have snapshots and certain facts around this situation.

I do find myself wondering how the post would read from his point of view?
‘My DP constantly tries to schedule our lives, I need downtime, I’m frustrated that she keeps wanting to have pointless conversations about our relationship which are just about her thoughts, she’s been really off lately and so I’ve backed off and now she’s just texted me saying I’m cheating on her. Where the eff do I go with this?!’

Obviously you will tell me I’m wrong. I’m just telling you how you’ve come across to me.

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